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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Girlfriend upset about my friendships with women.

56 replies

Whatamugiwas · 01/09/2019 22:28

My girlfriend ( 1year together) is not happy about my friendships with women . I have been friends with some of the women since school. One friend In particular, she wants me to cut contact with who I’m
Very close to. She thinks i feel more for her and that the contact and the friendship is too full on at my end. I’ve explained that she is a close friend but my girlfriend was upset with recent social media and messaging interaction. I find myself not contacting my friend very much anymore and things have cooled between us. My friend seems her usual self but does not bother too much with me now which makes me sad.I find myself texting my friend when my girlfriend goes home but my friend is not interested in much contact anymore . What’s up? Should I have done this and agreed to cut contact ? I think I’ve lost my friend.

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 01/09/2019 22:43

My ex partner was like this. Hated the fact that I had close female friends, some of whom I'd known 20+ years. I ensured she was not left out, that we socialised together. Was fine as long as my friends weren't single but when one or two split with their boyfriends my ex really took against them. As if they were competition for her in some way.

Note I say ex partner. My friends were here long before she was, I'd never slept or kissed any of them or given her any cause for concern. I will never let someone "new" dictate my friendships.

Original poster

Whatamugiwas · 01/09/2019 22:48

I have and now I think I’ve lost one of my closest friends. She has stopped replying and reacting to my contact or else waits days before replying. She isn’t angry but is definitely cooler to me. I’m mad with myself

OP posts:

Noodles4Me · 01/09/2019 22:51

I think she is more than a friend if you feel this way. Any you've slept with her too? Hmmm

Original poster

Whatamugiwas · 01/09/2019 22:53

No I haven’t .

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 01/09/2019 22:55

Noodles where does the OP say he has slept with this friend? Why do you immediately suggest he feels something more than friendship? I think most people would be upset if a friend of many years standing was backing away due to being dumped as a friend through no fault of their own

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/09/2019 22:56

Was it the content of the messaging or the volume your GF had an issue with?

FWIW I had had male friends and DH couldn't care less but the messages have been above reproach.

FoookinHell · 01/09/2019 22:58

I wouldn’t be ok with this. You text her when your girlfriend has gone home, you sound a little bit too invested in this ‘friendship’ You actually sound a lot more upset by her not responding for days than you do about how your girlfriend feels.

AMAM8916 · 01/09/2019 22:58

It depends how much you were contacting this friend. Can you elaborate?

ShatnersWig · 01/09/2019 23:01

Foookin he's only texting her after his gf has gone home because she wants him to cut all contact with this friend who has been around far, far longer. If a man was asking his girlfriend not to contact her male friend it would be called controlling behaviour.

Singletomingle · 01/09/2019 23:04

My ex was like this she said she was uncomfortable with me talking to female friends eventually even if I met them in the street she would get upset. Then she accused me of wanting to spend too much time with male friends until I was completely alienated from anyone I called a friend. I'd get away now before it gets worse.

Sunflower20 · 01/09/2019 23:07

If you are upset about losing your friend maybe you should rethink your relationship. It's about who is more important to you.

FoookinHell · 01/09/2019 23:08

Shatners (sorry haven’t worked out how to bold) in my opinion if you’re the texting someone late at night of the opposite sex, there is usually more than friendship on your mind. Why not text her during the day, I’m sure he doesn’t spend every waking moment with his girlfriend.

ShatnersWig · 01/09/2019 23:11

Foookin he doesn't say he only texts her late at night, merely after his gf has gone home. That could equate to an afternoon. But presumably he doesn't text her in the day because he and she are at work.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 01/09/2019 23:28

Having been through a marriage to somebody who was irratuonally jealous and controlling, I'd say this is a huge red flag. Nobody has the right to tell a partner who they can or can't be friends with. You'll find loads of women on here who will mjnimise her actions because they do the same thing - but it isn't okay. Read any definition of domestic abuse or coercive control, and preventing you from having friendships and making untrue accusations are both right up there in the list of signs. Get rid of her - she'll only get worse

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/09/2019 23:31

Nobody has the right to tell a partner who they can or can't be friends with.

Well the one exception to that in my circle was the GF who wanted to remain friends with the man she'd cheated on my friend with. I thought he was within his rights to object to that.

ShatnersWig · 01/09/2019 23:33

MrsT I think that's a definite exception!

Noodles4Me · 01/09/2019 23:52

Apologies OP, when you said "I have" I thought that was in response to Shatners post about not sleeping with his female friends. My mistake.

I think you can have whichever friends you like, but sometimes it does change when you are in a relationship. But this doesn't mean you let them go ... easier said that done.

PaterPower · 02/09/2019 07:52

Start of what will be an increasingly slippery slope IMO.

End the relationship and find someone less controlling or you’ll be looking back in a year’s time and wondering what the hell happened to your life.

EAIOU · 02/09/2019 08:26

I think that you've focused more on the actual friend in your post than your girlfriend. How shes feeling and behaving towards you.

Theres not much about your girlfriend in there apart from wanting you to lessen contact.

Is it possible you maybe do care more for her for your friend? If so, that's fine but maybe your girlfriend isn't right for you.

Noone has the right to tell you who to be friends with but if you are giving more attention and acting differently towards your friend then maybe your girlfriend has picked up on this.

Theres nothing wrong with opposite sex friendships at all but maybe your girlfriend is getting the wrong impression but your messaging interactions. I dont think you should have to wait until she goes home until you message her but I also dont think you should he spending a lot of time messaging your friend when your spending limited time with your girlfriend either.

It's on you to decide what you do but from your post, you seem more concerned about your friends well being that your girlfriends. I hope it gets resolved for you all.

ShatnersWig · 02/09/2019 08:30

I also dont think you should he spending a lot of time messaging your friend when your spending limited time with your girlfriend either

Can you please point EAIOU out where the OP says he is spending limited time with his girlfriend? I can't see it.

EAIOU · 02/09/2019 08:41

@Shatnerswig.

She goes home. So they dont live together. So I assume they have days/evenings together. (Work situation possibly)

So if the girlfriend is at his on their quality time together and she feels threatened by the messaging or the closeness of the relationship with his friend, then would it be so bad to focus on her for a bit.

Did you miss out where I said:

Theres nothing wrong with opposite sex friendships.

Noone has the right to tell you who to be friends with.

There's obviously insecurity on the girlfriends part but maybe looking at why she feels threatened would help. But as the OP hasnt returned to divulge the amount of messaging then we are left with what's there.

It's one friend in particular who the gf was concerned about and he has chose to focus on this person in his further posts. What he's lost etc and her behaviour towards him.

Min2345 · 02/09/2019 08:46

Personally I would end things with the GF. Once you start playing to someone else’s rules, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery.

ShatnersWig · 02/09/2019 08:48

Yes, I saw that. But just because people don't live together doesn't imply limited time together. Hell, I know loads of unmarried couples who see their other halves more than married couples.

They could be spending most evenings and most of each weekend together. I don't call that limited time. If he only sees her one or two nights a week, I would agree that might be limited time.

You're now saying that if the girlfriend is threatened by the messaging or his closeness with this friend, the OP should focus on her (girlfriend) for a bit. But he's already doing that. He's cut back and almost never seeing his friend, who is understandably upset and likewise backing off.

Regardless of all that, the OP's girlfriend didn't ask him to consider spending less time with but asked him to cut contact. That's controlling and crossing a line and you know perfectly well if this was a man telling a woman she had to cut contact with a male friend, not one response on this thread would say this wasn't controlling behaviour.

misspiggy19 · 02/09/2019 08:50

**Start of what will be an increasingly slippery slope IMO.

End the relationship and find someone less controlling or you’ll be looking back in a year’s time and wondering what the hell happened to your life.**

^This. Get rid of the girlfriend

EAIOU · 02/09/2019 08:54

@Shatnerswig.

I read it like she wanted him to and he done it. So physically he made that choice and subconsciously he regrets it. On this post he has made it quote clear he regrets it so he has made the wrong decision as it doesn't sit well with him. I agree with where do you draw the line but weve all made presumptions based on the limited time together.

I live with my DP and we both work, have a little one so we have actual limited quality time together. Sometimes it is literally a film in the evening before bed etc if he was to spend that evening messaging someone all evening, I would feel a bit put out.

I value him and my time with him. We dont get time to do much together these days. So I maybe have my own perceptions and that influenced my reaction to the post.

BUT, the fact he still slighted and (maybe rightly so) by his friendship loss means he knows who is more important to him. I'm a massive advocate for friendships too. I have really good people in my life and I wouldnt cut a single one of them out because someone else didn't like it.

However there is no backstory is my life. There could be with the OP.

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