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Original poster

Girlfriend upset about my friendships with women.

56 replies

Whatamugiwas · 01/09/2019 22:28

My girlfriend ( 1year together) is not happy about my friendships with women . I have been friends with some of the women since school. One friend In particular, she wants me to cut contact with who I’m
Very close to. She thinks i feel more for her and that the contact and the friendship is too full on at my end. I’ve explained that she is a close friend but my girlfriend was upset with recent social media and messaging interaction. I find myself not contacting my friend very much anymore and things have cooled between us. My friend seems her usual self but does not bother too much with me now which makes me sad.I find myself texting my friend when my girlfriend goes home but my friend is not interested in much contact anymore . What’s up? Should I have done this and agreed to cut contact ? I think I’ve lost my friend.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 02/09/2019 08:56

I think it depends on how much contact with your 'friend'
I have very close friends.
But we don't have contact every day.
Sometimes go weeks without messaging.
We make plans to get together and that's when we catch up.
If you are sending multiple messages a day to this woman then I would find that too much.
If you are only messaging once a week then your girlfriend is being controlling.
If it's loads of messages every day then she has a point.

Windmillwhirl · 02/09/2019 09:13

Her insecurity, her issues. No way would I cut out friends for a partner. It's controlling and sets a precedent.

If she doesn't trust you, op, she shouldn't be with you.

Original poster
Whatamugiwas · 02/09/2019 09:42

I work with my friend but we were friends before we worked with each other. I now feel that I cannot respond to work group chats with my friend in it . I feel like my phone has to be off when I’m with my girlfriend in case a message comes in from
Group and my friends name pops up.
We had plenty of contact. It was only funny stuff , work stuff, nothing dodgy but she feels that I’m too close to her as we were very close and my girlfriend knows that I talked about everything to my friend . She said the contact wasn’t normal . My friend seems to have cottoned on and is now like a stranger to me . She will only talk about simple things like the weather or work related issues . I think my friend might be pissed with me . I can’t go back on things now

OP posts:
EAIOU · 02/09/2019 09:53

How old are you OP? You sound youngish.

I think you've made your own mind up.

Your friend means more to you that your girlfriend by your posting. That's ok too.

I'd imagine it's a difficult position you're in.

What are your plans now?

simone1863 · 02/09/2019 09:56

Get rid

BlingLoving · 02/09/2019 10:01

Oh dear, it's still not clear exactly what level of contact you and this friend had. Personally, I think existing opposite sex friendships when you get together with someone should be respected and maintained. I do see that making NEW opposite gender friendships of that level of closeness is a bit more tricky and can be fraught.

DH has a group of male friends he's been friends with since high school. they have a WhatsApp group. there was a brief period a while ago where messaging on that group seemed to be more important than anything else - eg he'd be so busy messaging he'd not get around to getting DC to bed or whatever - I was annoyed. Ditto, I'd have been annoyed if him and i were doing something together and he was constantly messaging them (he didn't do that). The gender of the friend/s is irrelevant.

But assuming your messaging was NOT impacting your time with your GF, then you should not have ditched your friend because of a new partner. It's controlling of her and shows you to be a bit weak. I I was your friend I would probably also have stepped back on the basis that clearly this wasn't a real friendship but rather a fake friendship while you were single.

Original poster
Whatamugiwas · 02/09/2019 10:01

Late twenties . Girlfriend is younger. She said I have her on a pedestal which is true when I thought about it. Is there anything I can do to keep my friendship with my friend or is it too late .

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 02/09/2019 10:09

You have your friend on a pedestal?

Yeah, OK, in that case your girlfriend has a point doesn't she?

Sigh.

Original poster
Whatamugiwas · 02/09/2019 10:12

I mean I think very highly of her and have huge respect for her . I don’t think she is better then my girlfriend .

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 02/09/2019 10:13

I would have said there is no way a gf should be asking you to cut ties with a girl friend you've known from school that nothing ever happened with. But you said she did it AFTER seeing a message she didn't like the look if from her, girls have a sixth sense for when other lasses fancy their partners. Maybe the reason the other girl is backing off now is actually because she realises you have a gf and so it isn't appropriate to be around you as there were some inapropriate exchanges or she fancies you.

Otherwise, you simply need to apologise to the friend for being distant as you weren't sure how to approach things, tell her (and your gf) that she is a valued friend and invite her to dinner with you and your gf. Your gf has to become friends with her too. Or at least, be given the opportunity to see her as - not a threat.

If your gf is not willing to do this then she potentially unreasonable (unless she is sure this girl fancies you, in which case I understand) and you need to consider what is more important, attempting to save the friendship or staying with gf.

If gf is this way with any other longterm female friend, the issue may lie with her. But you should always introduce good girl mates to partners so that they can that it is a valued friendship, nothing more.

ShatnersWig · 02/09/2019 10:13

Well I would expect you too. She's a friend.

Sheesh.

Clearly, it's either your girlfriend or your friend. Get off the fence and make a decision and stick with it.

Pinkbonbon · 02/09/2019 10:15

*can see that.

Because with all the texting and fb messaging women, it can make anyone's mind run amoc and think something is happening.

FoookinHell · 02/09/2019 10:17

@ShatnersWig

Maybe my opinion is rained by past experiences but either way I can’t see this having a happy ending as the op will end up resentful he’s lost friendships and the girlfriend is already not tolerating it well.

AmIThough · 02/09/2019 10:24

It sounds like your girlfriend gets upset if you even receive a message from this friend while you're together - is that true?

Has she met the friend? If not, that might help her realise there's nothing more there.

If you were given the ultimatum, who would you pick?

My DP is friends with women. He's older than me and I was young and paranoid when we got together. But now I trust him implicitly. Maybe the age thing is an issue?

Pinkmonkeybird · 02/09/2019 10:25

OP, I think @ShatnersWig is right. It sounds like there is more to it than her just being a friend. Holding her on a pedestal is just....a bit too adoring IMO. Are you sure you do not have sexual feelings for this 'friend'.

I also agree with everything @hellsbellsmelons said.

Original poster
Whatamugiwas · 02/09/2019 10:42

I love my girlfriend and see a future with her. I love my friend as a friend . No attraction on either side. She is also in a relationship for years . I have fancied my friend some years ago my friend never realised and it faded away. I don’t have those feelings for her now. I can see why my girlfriend could think that there was more to it but there isn’t .the nature of our friendship was fun and we got on very well. Some would say the word ‘ clicked’. I get or got on better with my friend that’s any one else in my life so I am sad now.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 02/09/2019 11:14

Sounds like you need to fight for the friendship then. Even better that she gas a partner because you can do a double date. Hopefully this is still a possibility. You just have to make sure you approach it the right way.

'Hey gf, look, I miss my friend, as a friend and I would like it if we could go to dinner with her and her partner, then you could get to know her better. I was wrong not to introduce you to her sooner and realise that that along with the closeness of the friendship could have caused you to feel uncomfortable. But i have known her since school and realise distancing myself from her to make you comfortable was also the wrong approach because friends shouldn't just ditch friends like that. You want to be with someine who dies the niral thing dint you? ...so do you think I could try and get us all together some night for a curry, i think you would actually quite like her. We can also do the same with some of our other friends too if you like'. Something along those lines.

If she us adamant it's a no and throws a fut, might be time to rethink the relationship.

Pinkbonbon · 02/09/2019 11:15

Ugh sorry typos

*who does the moral thing don't you?
*throws a fit

Everafter1 · 02/09/2019 11:39

Tbh if you've fancied the friend in the past and still hold her on a pedestal I can see your gfs point. It has been more than friends before so she has her concerns & it makes her uncomfortable.

EAIOU · 02/09/2019 12:08

I can see why your gf is acting in the way she does.

Was just like my first thought in the first comment I made. Shes picking up on it all.

Quite honestly you believe you've made the wrong choice and that says it all. Its not going to work with ultimatums in your relationship unless you both follow through with them.

I'd say your better off chasing your friendship and letting your girlfriend go and find someone who will meet her needs too.

SavingSpaces2019 · 02/09/2019 14:13

You chose to put the feelings of your current shagging partner above those of a long time, trusted friend.

As a woman, i too have been pissed off when male friends have done this to me because their immature, jealous and controlling gf's decided out friendship of 10+ years was 'inappropriate'.

If you're not prepared to stand up for yourself and your friendships, then how the hell is your friend meant to carry on trusting you?
How can she still be your friend when she knows your gf will start accusing her of flirting with you and you won't do fuck all about it?

user1479305498 · 02/09/2019 14:40

You will get mixed messages here Op, a lot of women have been very ‘cool’ about opposite sex friendships only to find the 10 texts a day type ‘friendships’ became a bit more than that — in my own defence I only felt like this in 2 instances and in both cases it was ‘a lot’ of texting (multiple multiple times daily) and was being deleted, hidden and never mentioned, even though in one case (because I snooped) it was all pure trivia and initiated by a rather lonely single mum employee he felt awkward to tell her to give it a rest. If you don’t do any of that and aren’t at this 10 times every day or so, it’s an over reaction on her part.

Popandhop · 02/09/2019 14:52

Messaging once your girlfriend has gone is dishonest and will only make her gut feeling something is going on stronger .
If you found out your girlfriend was doing something behind your back it would make you lose some trust in her even if it is something as small as innocent texts.

Is she like this with all your female friends? If yes huge red flag, if no, is she insisting you end all contact or just wanting you to reign it in abit? Also if the answer was no I wouldn't say she is controlling and insecure there is just something about this friendship making her uncomfortable and I think you should acknowledge that and take her feelings into account

The way you write makes me feel you care more for your friend then your girlfriend, even if you don't realise it.

Messaging behind your girlfriends back and telling your friend everything (I'm guessing this includes relationship stuff) is a slippery slope to the start of an emotional affair.

ukgift2016 · 02/09/2019 14:55

If my boyfriend was behaving like a love sick puppy over a female friend, I happily let him go.

My boyfriend has distanced himself from a female friend who I felt threatened by. I had good reasons for this and he put me first. Any man who chose a female friend over me would be gone.

RantyAnty · 02/09/2019 17:48

How does your friend's DP feel about your friendship?

Why in nearly a year have you never introduced your GF to the friend?

I understand you want to keep your friend. I think that if you want to have a LTR, marriage, and a family with someone, you'll have to tone it down with the friend. No woman will ever put up with it.

If you had a wife, I don't think you'd be happy if your wife put a friendship with another man above you.