Marriage over ..

[Budders12]

As you probably gather from the late night post things are not overly good for me. Tonight my DH has decided that what he wants to end our relationship. It’s second time round for us both. My children (teenagers) have lived with us, his DD in her own place. My DD has been seriously ill over the last two years with the last nine months trying to be a normal teenager. However that also means normal teenage moods and tantrums. Because of what she has been through I have been too soft and given in to her and it’s this that has caused upset and argument between myself and my DH. After the upset tonight where DD also said she hated me and called me names, I drove her over to a friends’s house for the night; however the issue is that she had been in hospital earlier today for four hours as they checked on her due to excruciating pains and the thought they the illness has reappeared. My DH was cross that she even thought about a social when we were all on tenter hooks over her health. I am just so over protective but I do feel like I’m piggy in the middle. To make life easier I suppose this is the right thing to do. I’m just heartbroken but think we both need peace. I suppose I just need to gauge other’s thoughts. I spoke to my brother and he said what DH is thinking and feeling is justified in the circumstances.

Probably not what you want to hear but sounds like your daughter is ruling the roost and manipulating you. She said she hated you and called you names, no punishment instead you drive her to a friends house. Can I ask how old she is?

I know having a poorly child - no matter how old they are is stressful, but your husband has been through this too over the last 2 years. I think he has every right asking should she be out if she really did have excruciating pain today. Must also be hard for him to see her disrespect you.

Your brother agrees with your husband, is he normally a rational objective man? Can they both be wrong?

No it’s not what I want hear but I was expecting it. I suppose I can’t see the wood for the trees. She’s my daughter and I know what she’s doing is wrong. She’s coming up 19 (early academic year birthday) and had to go back a year because of her health which she is hating doing but has had no choice.
Seems as though I’ve messed up big time. And I know there is no going back - happened only a few months ago too and DH said I had to choose him or her and I chose her. We worked through that. But this time there will be no talking or reasoning through to sort. Thank you for taking the time to post,

This also won't be what you want to hear. Your dd treats you and others like shit and you allow it as she has been ill. Even your db sees it. You are not doing her any favours by allowing her to act this way, indeed she'll come a cropper when she meets someone who will not tolerate her behaviour in a professional environment.

I'd say it's time to reset the boundaries and call a family meeting where the house rules are set out and everyone has to abide by them whoever they are.

And please stop rewarding her bad behaviour, driving her where she wants to go after she said she hates you is not on. While it is awful she's been so unwell, it is not a green light to act disrespectfully.

Yes she does why can’t I see that. She’s been physically impaired because of her illness which doesn’t help. I want her to talk to someone’s as there’s so much going on in her head. I’m trying to support and be there but just not to know what to.
A house meeting and chat I don’t think will repair my marriage.
I’m looking at places she can live but financially we can’t afford to support her.
I suppose now I’ve just got to accept what’s done is done and can’t be undone. My DH has had enough.

Why is it too late? Are you willing to lose your husband over this?

Take control and decide what you want. If you want your husband back go and fight for him and tell him. Agree a strategy on how you will handle your daughter from now on. And stick to it!

At 19 she is not really the hormonal teenager you describe. She's a grown woman old enough to get married vote etc. I thought from your post she was about 14! You are making excuses for her behaviour.

The hospital released her after four hours so whilst she may have been seriously ill over the last 2 years today can't have been that serious. Now she's off out tonight after causing you and your husband to argue.

Is she well enough now to work?

Thanks. We had a house meeting and chatted and laid cards on table a couple months ago.
She had cancer finishing treatment last October but had major surgery removing part of her leg. It’s that that’s caused the problem today as she seems to be losing bloody supply to another part of her body so it’s gone numb. She’s pushed and pushed herself to be normal and will not be kind to herself and just rest. That’s what the frustration is and what caused the row last night. That she should rest and not go out ...

Is she in counselling?

No she can’t work as physically not strong enough yet. She’s trying to complete her studies as missed most of her A levels and has had to go back a year.
We’re all scared that the pain and what is happening is the cancer coming back.
I want to fight for nut husband but I know that he is tired and exasperated with it all and like you have all said I’m making excuses.
She’s kicking out big time too - frustration, anger at what’s happened to her and I’m her emotional punchbag as she has no other parent just me.

She’s got an assigned YP nurse who’s highly trained and who she can talk things through but this is a whole family issue as this has affected us all. My DH won’t “chat” with the YP nurse as he doesn’t believe in it and is too “proud” and self contained. It’s so bloody hard as her having this has just changed the family dynamic. I don’t know who to turn to and what to do ...

It sounds like you have all been through the mill seriously. I would say you would all benefit from counselling. Is this an option?

Christ! There are some hard posters here. Your dd has been through hell and I think it's understandable that she lashes out sometimes. I am sure it's not fun being her verbal punching bag but then it's not fun having cancer as a teenager and having part of your leg removed. All the pain and anguish boils over sometimes and unfortunately as someone who loves her unconditionally you bear the brunt of it

Your dh won't chat with the YP nurse because he doesn't believe in it? What a twat

I do feel for you OP - a dd who is struggling and lashing out at you and a unsupportive dh

I would say yes, but I know DH won’t because he’s private and will just say it’s a load of cr@p. He goes with his gut. Last night when he said it was over I know he meant it. And the is no going back
DD won’t have counselling but for different reasons.
I can do it but it’s got to be all or nothing. The damage to our relationship is done

No other posters haven’t been harsh I don’t tell the full story, just snippets.
But does it make it any better.
My brother takes my DH point that her behaviour is unreasonable and I pamper to her ever whim.
They can’t see why I’m so overprotective.
The daft thing is they have both got daughters and worship the ground they walk on. They bend over backwards to help and support them and I never say a word.

Any 19 year old girl whose had cancer is going to hate the world and be angry. Your her mum and the easiest person to lash out at, bless you that's why you will be the one she's lashing out at.

I can't imagine the stress you've been under. While she's been poorly and no doubt you are afraid it come come back at any minute. Your husband obviously cares about her too or he wouldn't be concerned about her being out tonight.

Losing your husband won't make your daughter any happier and certainly won't suddenly make her life easier. At 19 she's had an incredibly tough 2 years but allowing her to control you isn't doing her any favours.

In another year or two hopefully she will be in uni or taking year out doing something she loves.

Please think about yourself now and try to get out of the choosing him or her mindset. You love them both and can have a relationship with both. You need to take the control away from your daughter and show your husband that he is important to you and that you don't want to lose him. It's easy for me to say but I'd be drawing up house rules and making it clear that while she's in your home she respects them.

Is her birth father in the picture can she spend any time with him to give you a break to try to ease the pressure on your relationship with your husband

@LimitIsUp I'll agree I was harsh however we only saw the initial post and didn't know the full story.

My heart goes out to the OP and it's dead easy to sit here and say what we would do when we aren't in her situation

No, her Dad died when she was eight from cancer hence this is a second marriage for me and my DH.

@Givemealittkewan - you weren’t harsh as you didn’t know the full background. But my brother does and yet he agrees with what my DH says which is why I was expecting similar comments.
I’m in such turmoil but is what she’s been through an excuse for such rudeness and behaviour?
She apologised to me and her DSD but he still wants to end the relationship as he said by my action of taking her to the bus last night even after her tantrum and shouting, I made a choice.

Shit. Her dad died of cancer, she's been suffering with cancer, and having to go back a year at school? And you'd just spent four hours at hospital for tests in case the cancer is back?

Yes, I'd let her go to her friends and yes, I'd suck up a little anger.

It doesn't sound like the time at all to be all disciplinarian and she's an adult anyway. How exactly are you going to stop her?!

If your partner can't deal with it, well, I'd let him go.

We’ve had several instances since April where we have had such massive upsets with her. So this I think is the straw that had broken my DH’s back. He laid his emotional cards on the table and started crying saying he thought that the cancer was coming back. I think he now feels embarrassed that he did that too and she just carried on wanting to go out .... it’s such a mess.

And sorry you're going through all this.

@category12 - my train of thought but I don’t want the last bit to happen... but how can I make DH and my brother too, see that she’s got so much going on.

My ex had osteosacoma as a teenager, he had limb saving surgery but the treatment and after effects of it all did affect him. He made friends with people who later passed away. Missed out on work opportunities due to his disability. I think pp have been harsh. This girl is very angry she lost part of a limb she has an uncertainty of what her future holds regular check ups etc. Has she got a counselor? Tbh I think you're dh is abit off dick given the circumstances.

Of course she still wanted to go out, she wants to be away from it, not having her worst fears spelt out and dealing with her stepdad's emotions over it.