Marriage over ..

[Budders12]

As you probably gather from the late night post things are not overly good for me. Tonight my DH has decided that what he wants to end our relationship. It’s second time round for us both. My children (teenagers) have lived with us, his DD in her own place. My DD has been seriously ill over the last two years with the last nine months trying to be a normal teenager. However that also means normal teenage moods and tantrums. Because of what she has been through I have been too soft and given in to her and it’s this that has caused upset and argument between myself and my DH. After the upset tonight where DD also said she hated me and called me names, I drove her over to a friends’s house for the night; however the issue is that she had been in hospital earlier today for four hours as they checked on her due to excruciating pains and the thought they the illness has reappeared. My DH was cross that she even thought about a social when we were all on tenter hooks over her health. I am just so over protective but I do feel like I’m piggy in the middle. To make life easier I suppose this is the right thing to do. I’m just heartbroken but think we both need peace. I suppose I just need to gauge other’s thoughts. I spoke to my brother and he said what DH is thinking and feeling is justified in the circumstances.

@category12 - that is such a good idea. Emotions were so high last night it was difficult for anyone to think straight. There is no talking today just silence. Kids in their rooms sleeping everything off. There needs to be a conversation but I don’t have the energy to start it ... thank you for all your words of wisdom - just don’t want to share with those who know us as it becomes taking sides - natural. Hope you all have a peaceful Sunday xx

Oh darling I can't imagine what u are going through!it must be really frustrating for u to have a child in and out of hospital and relationship that is coming to an end!but also know that u are not alone lots of people go through that !as a mum I know u want to care for ur child and make her happy as ur heart feels for her but I also think that you should take a step back and get a breather .ur daughter is 19 apart from being a teenager she's got health issues that is stressing her out at the same time so I don't blame u for being soft on her hun.what u need is to take care of YOURSELF u seem very stressed and that will not do u or her any good.you need to start self healing either it's going away for a few days or seeking professional help anyway u feel like will help u .i think start doing fun things with ur daughter things that u both enjoy like getting ur nails done ,going to the cinema ,going on holiday ...something that will be fun and bring u two closer .something good for ur soul.u are the woman the mother we control the mood of the house so start focusing on healing and relaxing and trust me ur daughter will feel that too .Happy mum happy children I really believe in that saying

@ferimama - I didn’t think I was bu obviously am trying to juggle family relationship balls. Atmosphere in house is not pleasant 😔

@Budders12 I know hun we all have a time in our life that we feel like we are getting pulled and pushed at all angles !but the logical thing is to stop and think what can be done ?ur priority is ur kids right?u can get married a million times but u have only one chance to have a good relationship with ur children .I'm sure u are an amazing mum but sometimes there is so much pressure that we loose ourselves and forget who we are and what we are capable of.I'm sure ur daughter knows that as well!a mother and child bond is the strongest love in the universe but there is so much negativity in ur house !u should start cleaning the air .ur partner wants to end this so f..him end it!u can find many more options in the future men r not like woman they move on in a split of a finger although it's heart breaking and u feel like the world is crushing down on ur head but the world hasn't ended !get ur s..t together and be selfish for once .start loving and respecting urself the rest will follow.no matter how many people tell u what to do at the end of the day u have to get ur mindset straight and gather up ur family whether he wants to be a part of it or not !sorry for being honest but I'm very straight forward and I know how u feel so don't give up on urself hun!we are living in a day and age that thank god we have these chat groups to release ourselves .u will only get stronger I promise u that

@Budders12 oh and remember for ur daughter he's her father and it's just natural for her to lash out !plus she's only 19 still a child she doesn't have that much experience and her condition is not helping!ur husband shouldn't made such a decision at this time but he has and it's going to be his loss! just start by bringing in the light in the very dark stressful moment and I promise u next year this time u guys will not even remember how hard it was!

@Budders12 oh sorry didn't ask is it his step dad or real dad?anyway it doesn't matter all this is just stressful for her as much as it is for u babe

When he says chose him or her, what exactly does that mean? That you kick her out?

How can you chose a man over your child. I think he's incredibly unreasonable.

Your DD is trying to make the most of her life when she has the strength. The face that he refused to listen or talk to the YP nurse says a lot.

He thinks they'll tell him this is normal behaviour in her situation, then he can't use it as a stick to beat you with.

She's missed a lot of school...she sees her friends ahead of her...she has the pain of her illness and the fear that comes with it...off course it will make her lash out sometimes.

That doesn't mean it's okay or easy to deal with...but by giving you an ultimatum...he was way out line.

Who gives such an ultimatum to the mother of a child in this situation.

I'd let him go!
Concentrate on supporting / prioritising your daughter as you are doing! She's angry right now and her behaviour may be 'off' but she has very valid reasons for this......life has been rather cruel to her!

Things will naturally improve as she gets older and more accepting of her situation and hopefully once her health issues are more stable!

Good luck, I really feel for you but it sounds like you are a great mum with your priorities in the right place!

It’s two week since I posted and after all your kindness, advice and support I thought I’d just let you know what’s happened.
There were lots of tears and talking. The discussion was that if there was a choice to be made then there was no choice, it would always be my daughter.
However I put it to them both that in all this there was me as piggy in the middle. Both were making emotional demands and playing with my feelings. If they both loved me then they would think twice about their behaviour, my daughter with her rudeness (illness aside, name calling to the extreme and tantrums because she’s not getting her way) and my husband’s inability to deal rationally with a fallout and think that kicking my daughter out is a solution ... it made them both stop ad think. I was ready to go but for me but not for either of them as I’m drained.
So talking tears and tentative steps, we find ourselves moving forward.
The two of them are more relaxed and talking; my daughter had softened towards me and her Step- Dad and doesn’t seem so angry (though I know she is hurting). She’s more willing to talk rather than go on the attack and I’ve asked her to say something calmly when she wants to rather than let it build up,
I’ve also said similar to my husband and he is different; he’s softened too, more the man that was before all this “shit” started two years ago; he’s recognised that he was wrong making me make a choice which was a non-starter.

We have got to move forward; the love is there but we’ve drowned in what’s happened to our funny family unit. As with every situation we come across there is no rule book just have to work through it as best we can making what decisions we can. All three knew that the option to split would have left three (four if my son is included) very miserable and unhappy people.
Thank you all once again for all your support and advice - bloody exhausting this adult / parent thing.
Hoping all is well with you all .

Well done Budders12, they are both understandably wrapped up in their emotions but you succeeded in getting across how their behaviour affects you. You are right, there are no rules for situations like this, but you have opened up the channels of communication again and hopefully you can all move forward together in dealing with it. Others will be along with wiser words than me, but I just wanted to say well done and I wish you all the best. 👍🏻💐

I think I read a previous post where your DD was in hospital, came out then wanted to go out with her friends and your DH told you she was manipulating you and you were too soft with her. Is that correct? I think he's probably had enough of it. Not sure where you go from here really. I think the behaviours in your DD have probably become entrenched and you facilitate it. Have you thought of family counselling?

Thank you for taking the time to post the update, OP. It sounds like a positive move and talking things through is really the only way forward. I think it was important for your daughter to hear that she would always come first, i suspect this helped cool her down and she was able to be more rational as a result. Onwards and upwards and wishing you all the very best.

Thank you for your update - I am so glad that you are all talking and listening and acknowledging each other more. I really do appreciate how tough it is for all of you in different ways and once again I’m so sorry you are going through this.
At the risk of sounding patronising - well done you for finding a way forward.
Love and hugs to you.