Marriage over ..

[Budders12]

As you probably gather from the late night post things are not overly good for me. Tonight my DH has decided that what he wants to end our relationship. It’s second time round for us both. My children (teenagers) have lived with us, his DD in her own place. My DD has been seriously ill over the last two years with the last nine months trying to be a normal teenager. However that also means normal teenage moods and tantrums. Because of what she has been through I have been too soft and given in to her and it’s this that has caused upset and argument between myself and my DH. After the upset tonight where DD also said she hated me and called me names, I drove her over to a friends’s house for the night; however the issue is that she had been in hospital earlier today for four hours as they checked on her due to excruciating pains and the thought they the illness has reappeared. My DH was cross that she even thought about a social when we were all on tenter hooks over her health. I am just so over protective but I do feel like I’m piggy in the middle. To make life easier I suppose this is the right thing to do. I’m just heartbroken but think we both need peace. I suppose I just need to gauge other’s thoughts. I spoke to my brother and he said what DH is thinking and feeling is justified in the circumstances.

So because he cried he will punish your daughter for wanting to see her friends? And won't engage with counseling/nurse because he doesn't believe in it? He sounds emotionally stunted. Why should it be up to him what she does?

You can't make the two men walk in her shoes, as such, if they don't empathise naturally. I don't know how you persuade them. You could point out how ludicrous it is to try to stop a 19yr old going out if she wants to.

@Budders12

It's not an excuse at all and does not justify her behaviour. How long can you let this go on. She will hopefully be off living a typical uni / young persons life within the next 2 or 3 years. At that point finally you and your husband can hopefully relax and enjoy a less stressful life. I'm honestly rooting for this to happen for you!

I feel for your daughter so much, to have cancer at 17 knowing her father died from it must have been scary as hell. Does that mean she gets to ruin the lives of those who love her. I think like a previous poster suggested she needs counselling ASAP and you have to start to implement some rules. Even if you and your husband do split you.won't want to live constantly in conflict with her.

Reading your posts I see you trying to look after your daughter, prevent a relapse, keep the peace, it must be so draining.

please don't give up trying to save your marriage. I really hope you get a resolution.

Ps - in years to come she will be mortified by her behaviour and will be grateful for everything you did for her. I was an awful teen was only when I had kids I realised my mother was a saint!

Oh op ,how awful for you .
Have you tried talking to your daughter and explaining how her behaviour is effecting your marriage.
I think you do need to cut her some slack ,as she is very young to be dealing with this,
I think your dh ,needs to be more understanding as well.
It might not be the end of your marriage,today is a new day ,try again to talk to them both ,x

You could refer yourself to talking space ,get someone for you to talk to Xs tuck in the middle like this you must need it .
I have to say I actually think your dh is the one being difficult,I think he should be more supportive,and I know how my dh would be if it were our dd ,there would be nothing he wouldn’t do for her .he should not be putting you in the middle .if he can’t see he’s wrong ,maybe he should go ..but that’s not what you want ,so I hope you get them both to listen and understand the others point of view
Look after yourself op. X

@Templetonstunafish - yes emotionally he holds it in. I think he’s had to over the years (these aren’t excuses) just due to so much in his family life. He’s a get on with it type of person and has been the most amazing of step parents, both kids would go to him to talk before me. He’s calmed me, taught me to smile and we have (had) the same goals. He’s my rock and the thought of not being with him makes my heart break. I just don’t get why and how he (and my brother) just don’t get that being what she’s been through is going to change her ... and the fallout is massive ..

I honestly think he behaved really poorly, laying on about the cancer coming back and crying at her.

@Poochandmutt - he’s her Step dad - and has been brilliant up until now. Just the last few months they’ve clashed and he’s not quite so tolerant of her behaviour.
He has his own daughter who has a place of her own and I never ever interfere with their relationship and never say anything when she asks him for money or comes round every week with a face lol thunder saying how tired she is .....

@category12 I think the thing is he didn’t expect himself to cry and it took him aback a little, so felt embarrassed that he had been so open with his emotions. Yesterday when she was having all these tests because of the pain emotions were heightened. He just didn’t get why she could be crying out in pain one moment and out on the razz the next ...

Because she wants normality and to forget the pain and think about something else. It's simple enough. He's not being fair expecting her to react the way he thinks he would, or how he thinks she should.

You are dd's mother. Your partner is not her father. Your love is unconditional. His isn't. There lies the tension. Both expect you to put them first. The one you put second has to compromise or cut free or be cut free. If neither will compromise you have to chose I think. Your dd is your dd and is more vulnerable. With live she will recover and be whole again. Ultimately your partner is not giving the 110% suppirt required at a time like this - hd probably can't because the unconditional bond isn't there. It's all part of the fragility of step families. As a step daughter, I say put your child first.

@CrispMornings - yes she has to come first

I'm sorry Budders, but I'd do the same as you - put my dd first, above a grown man. Age-wise, yes your dd is an adult etc, but after what she's been through, i would cut her slack. I would empathise with where her anger is coming from (she must have been terrified at the thought of the cancer coming back), and yes i would have driven her to her friends house (or facilitated her going).

Your dh is old enough to be able to handle his emotions better than her, and i think he needs to step back when she plays up, not threaten to leave you.

I think at this stage counselling is probably the only way to have these discussions as a good counsellor will allow you both to speak and hear each other's points of view. If he doesn't want to engage in marriage guidance and he really feels it's over, then I don't think there's much you can do. But i would comfort myself that perhaps he was not as wonderful as i thought if he was not willing to engage in counselling to save the marriage.

Gosh I don’t blame you at all for taking her to her friends. She’s spent hours in hospital thinking the cancer is back! She just wants normality.

I do think you are ALL under a huge amount of stress and that is totally understandable.. It’s so sad if your marriage ends because of this stress.

I’d ask your Dh to go to a few sessions of counselling together. You both need to talk about what’s going on and how you can support each other and get through this stressful time together.

Of course she wants to see her friends and i 'd drive her there too.
She is seriously ill and staying with her friends will be a relief for her.
I don't think you should end your marriage op.
It is hard all round but I think your dh needs to take a step back and think how much he would be doing if it was his child who had cancer.
In all honesty I would be doing anything my child asked in those circumstances.

He just didn’t get why she could be crying out in pain one moment and out on the razz the next ...

He sounds like an idiot TBH. It's perfectly possible, and not unusual, to be in agony for a while and then for the pain to subside within minutes. Add to the fact that your daughter may have had an additional psychosomatic basis for her pain (fear that her cancer was back).

Your DB and DH lack any emotional intelligence. Given the awful situation your poor DD has found herself in her emotions will be all over the place. My DH has cancer and my DM lives with the fear of hers coming back. And I totally get it, scan fear is common and none of us know how we will cope living with cancer or with the fear of it returning. My DH has been awful too to all of us, but I haven’t given up on him and upped and left. If your DH doesn’t want to get any help or support then I would let him walk away as you need to be strong for your DD and he should want to be too and sadly isn’t capable ....

@Grimbles - that’s what the doc said too

Op this sounds so hard and I am really sorry you are all going through this. I can really understand why everybody is acting the way they are.

One little point I don't think has been made is that your DD may feel safer with limits put on her. Her lashing out is understandable. But she may in part be lashing out to test if there is anything solid out there for her to hold onto. You tolerating terrible behavior may deep down be more frightening. (To put it bluntly it sends the message: yes, I am afraid you are dying- after all, who could be strict with a kid in such an awful situation?....).... when maybe being stricter would actually be more reassuring (saying: yup- we all go through tough times, but the absolutes of respect and kindness etc are all still there and required).....

I would recommend this even if your husband is gone, as I think it could help your DD, but if there is a chance to save your marriage, then it may help with this too.

I agree and I’ve tried saying that.

Hang on a minute, what about you? Where’s your support?

Your H and your DD are being arses but for totally understandable reasons. You all sound incredibly scared and you all have different ways of dealing with that fear. You’ve all been surviving and survival mode is excellent at getting you through the shit short term but long term the very same coping mechanisms can be very damaging.

You’re H sounds scared and frustrated by his helplessness and the same goes for your DD. Unfortunately, their fear and frustration has a convenient target, you. This is a role you don’t have to accept, you can sympathise because you’re in pain too but that sympathy isn’t a free pass to abuse.

You can not force either of them into counselling but you do need to start looking after yourself. You’re not a referee, you are a human who has had a breathtaking amount of shit to deal with.

Stop being so bloody understanding of them both. Who’s looking out for you, who has your back? Where do you go for support? There’s so much any human can take and you can not prioritise your DD if the person she relies upon is not being taken cared of.

OP give yourself a god damn break and don’t take your resilience for granted. I’m sending you the hugest of hugs.

Hi OP,
As someone who has had cancer whilst being married I can tell you that it is hard on the husband too. He obviously cares alot about you and your daughter or he wouldn't be crying. Can I suggest that you and he go on a break for a couple of days away to have some special time. Not necessarily to talk the difficult things through, although you can do that, but to remind yourselves of your relationship and why you married each other. It might also be good for your daughter too to get away and spend time elsewhere, so she can have a bit of space as well.
I wish you all the best and don't be too hard on yourselves, these things take their to on everyone. Xx

My sister had cancer as a teen. She missed out on so much, put up with so many indignities. It left her disfigured and full of rage. My Mum and I tolerated her anger and shouting and outbursts because we knew we had to - we loved her and she needed our support and understanding and compassion.

My Dad didn’t understand - like someone has already said, he lacked the emotional intelligence and still does. But he had the sense to back away and be as supportive as he could from a slight distance. He would never have kicked off at her or us. He understood just a little and tried his best. My sister was the most important member of our family for many years. Life revolved around her. We all accepted that. Cancer sucks.

I am so so sorry for what you are going through. You are clearly doing your very best and there isn’t enough of you to pacify everyone so you have done the right thing and are trying to help your poor daughter cope with the shit hand she has been dealt. Honestly, I think your husband needs to take a bit of time to calm down and see things from your perspective and your daughters, not just his own. It’s shit, I know it is, but everyone is trying their best.

I was trying to think of this earlier:

Rings of grief
“Draw a small circle and put the name of the person closest to the tragedy in the middle of that circle. Then, draw a larger concentric circle and put the name of the person closest to the center person–for adults, this is usually a spouse or partner, but may be children, parents, a colleague, or closest friend. Keep drawing larger circles around the other circles and add the layers of people–close friends, more distant friends, members of the community, etc. Here are the rules: The person in the center circle can cope any way he/she wants. The job of those in the larger circles is to listen and support. When talking to a person in a circle smaller than yours, remember that you are talking to someone closer to the tragedy. Your job is to help. You are not allowed to dump your anger, fear, or grief to people in circles smaller than yours. Express these emotions to those in your circle or larger circles. The concept is simple - comfort in, dump out."

I hope you and your dh sort it out, it is so tough on everybody. Hopefully everyone just needed to blow off steam.