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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Narcissist mask has slipped, he scared me. Help me end things with minimal fallout

75 replies

Wonderrland · 31/08/2019 11:07

I've just got back from a trip away with a new-ish boyfriend and things turned nasty after we had a few glasses of fizz, for some ridiculous reason he thought it was acceptable to bring up out of the blue a non event from weeks ago (me being polite instead of rude to a random person who had spoken to me whilst out, in front of him I might add)

Nothing untoward or flirtatious whatsoever.

He launched into a tirade for over an hour about how I was 'engaging' him and was clearly giving out the wrong impression, he kept saying he felt disrespected and he swore at me. This continued on and on until I became tearful and quite frankly scared, I recorded what I could of the conversation and sent it to a relative along with the details of where we was staying and said if they hadn't heard from me by noon the next day then to come there or inform the police because I didn't know how much it would escalate. I still don't know whether I was over reacting by doing that but my gut tells me I wasn't. He was sat glaring at me and I genuinely believe he would have assaulted me the way it was going. The relative I sent all of this to said they were scared he was going to harm me based on how he was going off and the things he was saying.

I was continuously trying to diffuse the situation to no avail so I could go to sleep and leave first thing the next morning. He was full on bullying me by this point. I asked him to stop several times and was crying.

Eventually he stopped but only once I told him yes I must have been in the wrong and that he was right so I apologised and asked him to stop once more.

I don't for one second accept that but I was very anxious.

He then left the room and went on the balcony and began to cry, clearly because he realised he'd fucked it for himself. I ignored his histrionics and pretended to be sleeping, i then left first thing the next morning and was out the door by the time he was getting out of bed.

Wtf was that about? We've been seeing one another three months and it was like a mask had slipped and he's shown me a while other side to himself, and it's awful.

I've been on edge since I got home not knowing what to expect from him next, I've had some grovelling messages which I've ignored but I'm yet to block because I don't know how he'll react if I do. I know enough to know that the risk is heightened when you go NC. I can't call the police yet because other than an argument he hasn't done anything.

This is more than just a drunken tiff isn't it, he's psycho Sad

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 31/08/2019 11:12

Arrange to meet him in public and tell him the relationship isn't working, that you are not ready for an intense relationship (code for him being a fucking nutjob) and that you are ending it. Bring someone with you - large male if possible - to hover nearby and don't engage in discussion about it. Wish him well and walk away. Block his number and block him from all social media etc.

Drum2018 · 31/08/2019 11:12

Alternatively text him and then block but Ben prepared for him to turn up at your house if he's such a prick.

Wonderrland · 31/08/2019 11:22

The possibility of him turning up at my place worries me because I live alone with my child. It hadn't occurred to me to arrange to meet somewhere public to give him in-person closure but that is much preferable to him turning up here.

OP posts:
MrsMozartMkII · 31/08/2019 11:34

Keep a note of all that's happened and screenshot his messages.

MrsOnions · 31/08/2019 11:34

I think you should get some advice before speaking to him, maybe the Suzy Lamplugh Trust? I think they have a helpline.

Whosorrynow · 31/08/2019 11:35

I'm not sure if a face-to-face meeting is the best way to go, I would try and get everything ready and prepared first and then send a text letting him know that you feel this isn't working for you, do a bit of reading around narcissist websites maybe for advice on how to deal with this hopefully others with relevant experience will be along soon.
he sounds absolutely dreadful it must have been awful for you 😥

AgentJohnson · 31/08/2019 11:36

‘In person closure’ is not a thing. He has behaved appallingly and you owe him nothing. Send him a short text outlining his awful behaviour, telling him it’s over and you will block him and if he tries to contact you again you will inform the Police.

The worrying thing about your posts is that you say you’re really scared of him but don’t seem to extract yourself from being in his presence. You were scared enough to send a dramatic message to a relative but not scared enough to leave immediately,

Block and ignore and if he keeps trying to contact you, follow through and report him to the Police. Placating twats doesn’t stop their poor behaviour, it only gives the impression that you are somehow responsible for it.

Wonderrland · 31/08/2019 11:36

I have kept all messages and my relative has recordings of him blowing up which I sent as it happened.

I'm not familiar with that trust but would definitely speak with them if they're able to advise on this kind of thing

OP posts:
Isleepinahedgefund · 31/08/2019 11:37

Whatever your do, don't keep seeing him just because you think he might turn dangerous if you cut him off.

Contacting someone for advice is a good idea - I'd suggest a domestic abuse helpline.

Whosorrynow · 31/08/2019 11:38

Do you know much about this man and his history, do you know any of his close friends?
My feeling is that because it's a newish relationship he will let you go more easily than if it was a long term relationship.
I think you should still be careful and strategic though.

Wonderrland · 31/08/2019 11:39

The reason I didn't leave immediately is because I thought I'd be attacked if I tried to, I've been subject to DV in the past where this exact thing has happened and I've been hurt when I tried to leave.

I thought I had built myself up to be able to spot people like this from a mile off but clearly I was wrong.

OP posts:
Whosorrynow · 31/08/2019 11:41

AgentJohnson, my feeling is that the OP was just blindsided by his behaviour and that's why she wasn't able to get herself together and leave immediately or maybe some kind of gut instinct told her it wasn't safe?
I do agree with you that meeting him in person isn't a good idea, and isn't necessary.

Wonderrland · 31/08/2019 11:43

Yes exactly that, Whosorrynow

OP posts:
Whosorrynow · 31/08/2019 11:44

@Wonderr, I'm so sorry to hear that you've been a victim of domestic abuse in the past, it must have been terrifying to find yourself in this situation
my feeling is that this does make it it easier for you to spot predators, but unfortunately I think predators are also able to spot people who have been the victims of abuse.

whattodo12345 · 31/08/2019 11:45

Sorry your going threw this I am currently in the middle of leaving my narcissist ex boyfriend and it's very hard ☹️

I deffo recommend doing it via text however it's still not the easy way out. But it's only been 3 months for you so hopefully he won't fight too much and you will be free.

Good luck and let us know how you get on x

Whosorrynow · 31/08/2019 11:46

This isn't your fault Wonder, you've seen his true colours now and you know that you need to protect yourself

Windmillwhirl · 31/08/2019 11:49

I wouldn't meet him again. I'd text him that you were appalled by his behaviour and any contact, either by phone or in person, will be report to police.

He sounds incredibly unhinged.

MitziK · 31/08/2019 11:49

Don't meet him. If he turns up at your door, call the police and tell them it's an ex you left because he was becoming abusive and you're scared.

They won't be cross, they'll come along and tell him to go - if he argues, he'll soon learn what a burly copper thinks about abusers.

Do not let him in, do not engage with him at all, as it's obvious he thinks that talking like a normal human being means you're sexually interested in anybody you speak to, so would assume you're taking him back - and refusal at that point would make him dangerously angry.

Stone cold. No niceties. No 'not wanting a show for the neighbours'.

'We're through. Leave now or I will call the police to have you removed' said through a door chain.

JoyceJeffries · 31/08/2019 11:51

You don’t owe this man anything and tbh you’re lucky that you found out who he really is very early on.

I’d text him something like “please do not contact me again. You scared me last night and it would be inappropriate to continue in a relationship together”.

TheAlternativeTentacle · 31/08/2019 11:52

You do not have to meet him in public or otherwise.

But you do need to tell him that you want no further contact, otherwise if you need to take further action you will have to start there.

So perhaps: 'I have been advised that I need to inform you that i wish no further contact, please do not contact me again'. and then block him.

If he turns up at your house, call the police.

If he starts making fake social media accounts, come off it for a while and make sure you have your settings so that he can't befriend someone and read your updates from there.

Also, don't post anything that identifies your location at any time, or that you are away from your house at any time.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 31/08/2019 11:58

I would not meet him in person. Send him a breakup and no contact text in one: It is over between us due to your behaviour last night. I do not want any more contact with you in the future by any means.” Send by WhatsApp, screenshot the “read” report and then block on all media, phone numbers, emails. Do not cave in for a moment!

HollowTalk · 31/08/2019 11:58

Keep everything in writing from now on. I'm worried that if he realised you were recording him, then he'd be violent.

Don't even think of meeting up to end the relationship.

Whosorrynow · 31/08/2019 12:02

Please do not contact me you scared me last night
I appreciate I sound overly critical Joyce but saying 'please' implies that she is somehow at his mercy or beholden to him, saying 'you scared me last night' will be heard as an invitation to reply I'm not scary let me show you that you don't need to be afraid of me, or 'i didn't mean it' or some such thing.

Those words are too conciliatory, they are an invitation to negotiate with her, I think she needs to shut the door firmly in his face so that he knows there is no way to get his foot in the door.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 31/08/2019 12:04

Short text to say this relationship isn't working for me, I don't want to see you anymore. Then block. Don't get into discussing his behaviour, just dump him.

And bloody well done. You've seen it, you've taken action, you're ending it. Even if it is 'just' a gut reaction, you owe him nothing. He behaves in a way you don't like, you don't have to go out with him. It's as simple as that, although I know it's actually really hard. You did great.

Have you done the Freedom programme OP? I think it would help build your confidence.

Wonderrland · 31/08/2019 12:07

I'm taking everything on board thank you for the replies.

Yes he's unhinged by the looks of it.

I won't be meeting him at all either.

I have done the freedom program yes which is why I'm gutted that he's slipped through the net. I thought my screening process was top notch, after the first one I was sure I'd never let somebody like that in ever again Sad

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