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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Narcissist mask has slipped, he scared me. Help me end things with minimal fallout

75 replies

Wonderrland · 31/08/2019 11:07

I've just got back from a trip away with a new-ish boyfriend and things turned nasty after we had a few glasses of fizz, for some ridiculous reason he thought it was acceptable to bring up out of the blue a non event from weeks ago (me being polite instead of rude to a random person who had spoken to me whilst out, in front of him I might add)

Nothing untoward or flirtatious whatsoever.

He launched into a tirade for over an hour about how I was 'engaging' him and was clearly giving out the wrong impression, he kept saying he felt disrespected and he swore at me. This continued on and on until I became tearful and quite frankly scared, I recorded what I could of the conversation and sent it to a relative along with the details of where we was staying and said if they hadn't heard from me by noon the next day then to come there or inform the police because I didn't know how much it would escalate. I still don't know whether I was over reacting by doing that but my gut tells me I wasn't. He was sat glaring at me and I genuinely believe he would have assaulted me the way it was going. The relative I sent all of this to said they were scared he was going to harm me based on how he was going off and the things he was saying.

I was continuously trying to diffuse the situation to no avail so I could go to sleep and leave first thing the next morning. He was full on bullying me by this point. I asked him to stop several times and was crying.

Eventually he stopped but only once I told him yes I must have been in the wrong and that he was right so I apologised and asked him to stop once more.

I don't for one second accept that but I was very anxious.

He then left the room and went on the balcony and began to cry, clearly because he realised he'd fucked it for himself. I ignored his histrionics and pretended to be sleeping, i then left first thing the next morning and was out the door by the time he was getting out of bed.

Wtf was that about? We've been seeing one another three months and it was like a mask had slipped and he's shown me a while other side to himself, and it's awful.

I've been on edge since I got home not knowing what to expect from him next, I've had some grovelling messages which I've ignored but I'm yet to block because I don't know how he'll react if I do. I know enough to know that the risk is heightened when you go NC. I can't call the police yet because other than an argument he hasn't done anything.

This is more than just a drunken tiff isn't it, he's psycho

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 31/08/2019 13:03

Text him saying it isn't working out and it has ended I know you are scared but the sooner you do it the better for you.

Whosorrynow · 31/08/2019 13:05

I don't know how clever these guys are, some must be operating entirely on unconscious instinct but some of them are consciously directing things and that is much more alarming

Mrsjayy · 31/08/2019 13:06

This is down to him not you he showed himself and you have realised quickly your freedom programme is working but you are human you cant be scrutinising everybody.

SorryDidISayThatOutLoud · 31/08/2019 13:07

Gobbolino's message is the one to send. It's exact, and to the point.

Yours was submissive. 'I don't want to be in your life' is wrong - you don't want HIM in your life! Also 'I want to be left alone' - well that's not true is it, you only want HIM to leave you alone. You don't need to tell him he was aggressive and paranoid. You don't have to explain.

Send: 'Our relationship is now over. Do not contact me and do not come to my home or place of work etc. If you do, the police will be called'

YouJustDoYou · 31/08/2019 13:11

Jesus, what a psycho. Sorry you had to go through that op - and agree with pp with the short and to thepoint message.

Loubuz · 31/08/2019 13:16

Agree with pp, log it with the police 111 is it? Ask for their advice, then they have a note if you need to call in future

Redcrayons · 31/08/2019 13:24

I put up with 20 years of this shit. Well done for recognising it straight away.

Don't meet up, you don't owe him in-person closure or any kind of closure. Chances are it won't escalate, but err on the side of caution.

annielouise · 31/08/2019 13:25

I noticed your phrasing on one point like some others - you said "I don't want to be in your life anymore" - NO - "You don't want him in your life anymore". I think this speaks volumes.

The man is potentially dangerous. He senses weakness in you. I'd text him something more blunt like "It's over. Don't contact me again."

31RueCambon75001 · 31/08/2019 13:31

Ps, my first relationship after classic abusive narc who used to RAGE at me for hours was with a spiritual narcissist.

I think it is quite normal to get caught twice. Dont berate yrslf. You sound aware. No denial. You saw it when it showed itself. You will be ok.

Ilovechocolate01 · 31/08/2019 13:35

@Wonderrland I thought I had built myself up to be able to spot people like this from a mile off but clearly I was wrong.

People like that are very clever at showing one side of them. It's not you at all he's probably had a lot of practise of what to do and say. He had a few drinks and forgot this. Think of it as a lucky escape he's shown his true colours only 3 months in where you (and your child) can walk away.

sonjadog · 31/08/2019 13:52

I used to date guys just like this one in my twenties. I wouldn't put up with their shit now. Good for you for getting out of there and realizing the relationship is a no go. I never had trouble with the break-ups of any of the similar guys that I dated. I think they were so arrogant that they couldn't accept that they might not be the prizes they thought they were. Hopefully this guy will similarly disappear from your life without any bother.

Whosorrynow · 31/08/2019 16:40

my guess is that the more time and effort an abusive person has put into manipulating you the more he (or she) would resist being given the heave ho

Original poster

Wonderrland · 31/08/2019 20:31

Thank you all, I've blocked him since my last reply and what I said was

"This relationship is over and I don't want you to contact me anymore. Don't attempt to come to my home or work, and if you do I will be contacting the police" then i ghosted him and blocked before he had a chance to reply.

He saw the message almost instantly so I think he was hanging around waiting for me to reply to his earlier messages.

I also found a letter in my luggage when I got home that he'd written me at some point after the argument, the irony being that in said letter he said he wants to care for and protect me.

Fucking hypocrite, I'm quite hurt and in shock to tell the truth. I didn't see any of it coming and was so happy in his company until he did that

We had got tipsy together on other occasions and he hadn't behaved like that. I think a PP is right about him feeling comfortable with the fact we had gone away and I was stuck there away from home.

OP posts:

TheAlternativeTentacle · 31/08/2019 21:00

Well done.

Give yourself a big pat on the back.

cacklingmags · 31/08/2019 21:36

Well done OP for spotting the nasty little fucker for who he is and for telling him where to go. Takes a lot of courage in the patriarchy to see a bastard off.

Whosorrynow · 31/08/2019 22:02

The letter thing sounds quite sinister and gaslightery😠
It is very upsetting and shocking 😟
how are you, you poor thing

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 31/08/2019 22:19

OP, I hope this doesnt sound patronising but I'm so immensely proud of you. I've also been in several abusive relationships and I know that feeling you're describing where you instantly recognise this person is the same as the last abuser and it's like shivers down your spine. I understand why you didnt leave immediately too. I have been in a similar situation before and went into survival mode where I felt the safest option at the time was to calm the person down until it was safe to escape.

You've done so well to end it immediately and have the trust in yourself to believe your instincts. Please don't beat yourself up for finding yourself with another abusive man, I have fallen for the trap several times as I always try to go for the opposite of the last guy I was with and end up with a different type of narc each time. Remember that these guys are highly manipulative and it's not until their true colours show that you see them for what they are.

Have you ever looked into cPTSD? Your response to the situation (fight, flight, freeze) sounds very similar to me and I've been having EMDR to specifically treat this. It's very common in women who have been in abusive relationships and a situation like this can bring back flashbacks and horrible memories so it might be worth looking into if you start experiencing this.

I'm so sorry this happened to you

DarklyDreamingDexter · 01/09/2019 08:42

That's absolutely terrifying, to come out of the blue like that. Your reply was spot on. I sincerely hope you don't get anymore contact from him.

YouJustDoYou · 01/09/2019 09:10

OP, god, well well done - the message was perfect. Good for you

WinkyisbackontheButterBeer · 01/09/2019 09:23

I think, in your position, I would make an application to look him up under Claire’s law.
Not because it would change my decision but because any results might give an insight into how he might react. They might also give reason to contact the police earlier rather than later.

something2say · 01/09/2019 09:34

Hello, wow yes what a dangerous man, and yes he did it when he knew youd be a trapped audience...

I want to also say that placating a dangerous man is good because as you say, he calms and you're safer.

And then step two, as soon as it's safe you're out of there.

Now I reckon he'll come round. So, dont open door no matter what. Close front curtains. If he doesn't go away, ring 999 immediately and give your location. I suspect this chap might be a Clares law candidate. I'd suggest a call to the police as well, now, to give them a heads up. This, the moment you've left, is the most dangerous time.

Might you ring them???

Stuckandsad · 01/09/2019 10:11

Wow well done OP. I'm so impressed how quickly you reacted and how well you kept your wits about you 😊
I stayed with a man like this for 2 years, his style is just like your dates. it's quite unnerving how well you have described it. His name doesnt begin with a P does it? Anyway, it's with the police now after it escalated etc. You should be proud of yourself for seeing him for what he is right away.
Keep all communications and if he contacts you even once more, get straight to the police and make a statement

Techway · 01/09/2019 10:39

You did really well. Anyone who has been faced with a similar man knows that they have to calm the situation for their own safety. You judged what was best. I also agree that telling them that they are scary, risks escalating their behaviour.

Hopefully he will just accept the message but terrifying that he will move on to someone else quickly I really wish there was a way to identify these men so others don't face similar situations.

In my case, the new gf knows that I was scared of Ex but I because she has been lovebombed she is likely to assume I am just unreasonable/over anxious type. Narcisstics believe their "feelings are facts" so they are lovely until you cause some "slight" and only then do you see the rage.

A tactic that may root them out is to say "No" often and early as that is often a trigger. However 3 months is very reasonable so I don't think you can blame yourself.

contrary13 · 01/09/2019 12:05

"In my case, the new gf knows that I was scared of Ex but I because she has been lovebombed she is likely to assume I am just unreasonable/over anxious type. Narcisstics believe their "feelings are facts" so they are lovely until you cause some "slight" and only then do you see the rage."

^^ This. My daughter has a diagnosis of NPD, and they do put masks up. Which then slip. And their true personalities/selves pop out. And yes, they believe they're the ones who're right/the victim in every scenario... and become violent/aggressive/enraged when challenged on this. They also rewrite history, so be prepared for that, OP.

Don't meet him in person. For your own safety. Or, if you must, make sure it's in a crowded place, you have someone with you, and and keep your voice level. Don't raise it. NPD sufferers use you raising your voice as a weapon ("oh, she started screeching at me", sort of thing). But 3 months, in my own experience of living with a NPD sufferer (it is an illness, but then... my daughter has a genuine diagnosis, not simply armchair shrinks diagnosing) is about the right time frame for a mask to slip.

Make sure you're safe, OP. And yes: block on SM accounts!!! I cannot advise this enough.

Techway · 01/09/2019 12:28

@contrary13, how old is your daughter? Given you (I assume) were involved in her childhood do you believe the cause is nature or nurture? I am now leaning towards nature because whilst Ex did have an abusive childhood he is by far more affected than his siblings. Equally his mum is the only narcisstic one out of her siblings.

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