pregnancy is freaking boyfriend out - what should she do?

[scruffymomma]

Hello

I'm posting on behalf of a friend who I think has got a problem with her dp.
She's in the early stages of pg and she's going through the usual symptoms - nausea, tiredness etc, nothing at all out of the ordinary.
Problem is her partner just does not get it. He's complaining cause she's not how she used to be and can't understand why she doesn't feel up to decorating the house etc.
he's generalyl behaving like a spoilt child who's had his toys taken away.

This will be their first child and they are both lovely people, they've got the usual ups and downs of all couples but he's always been a bit emotionally egocentric - relying on her to be the sensible one etc. Looks like her pg is just totally freaking him out now and he's being a bit of a knob to her.

She's not asking for special treatment, just a bit of understanding.

Maybe he needs a bit of support too?

Any advice dear readers?

Hi scruffymomma- I think men deal with it in a variety of ways....my lovely XP dealt with it by walking away. I htink she needs to sit with him and tell him exactly how she is feeling...and maybe ask him how he feels, as maybe he is freaking out a bit and this is his way of dealing with it?
Wish your friend all the best xx

she should give him some reading material

and a swift kick up the arse

totally agree on the arse kicking - would love to administer myself, I think she's thinking "can I do this myself" already. I think of course she could if she had to though it's not by any means an easy solution.

I just want to give her some practical advice rather than man bash which is no use to anyone.
nailpolish - can you recommend any reading in particular?

thanks

Well before everyone gets in and calls him a twat, just thought I'd give a bloke's perspective.

From my side, I was just very excited throughout and hopefully fairly sympathetic although to be fair it wasn't too tough - DW was very well and usual self through pregnancy. On the other hand, couple of guys I know who are ostensibly pretty good guys were less useful to their partners than you might have expected (bit like your friend's partner).

Couple of thoughts on maybe why.

Firstly, in the early stages the 'pregnancy' seems pretty ethereal to guys: the girl doesn't look/act any different, the birth is the best part of a year away and your day-to-day life hasn't really changed in any way. Whilst the girl lives with it every minute of every day, guys don't and so don't necessarily 'get' what being pregnant means.

Secondly, even though I was very excited about it, you still go through periods of "oh shit, what've we done, oh my god, we'll never have a nice holiday/ dinner out/ lie-in ever ever again, oh my god, oh my god". Girls undoubtedly have these too but blokes are crap and talking about it (and besides, none of their mates want to hear about it, unlike the girl's mates).

Those being born in mind, he still needs a kick in the pants. I'd recommend another bloke (who's been through it) telling him to sort himself out as that's likely to carry a lot of effect. It'll also give him a chance to talk about it guy-to-guy and might give him some reassurance if he needs it. There's also lots of good books out there as well (From Lad to Dad being quite a good one I recall).

There's a good book called "You're Pregnant too Mate" which might help him.

sorry, i cant think of anything in particular, maybe someone can recommend a "pregnancy for idiots" manual detailing the physiological changes and why women are tired during pg, etc. maybe from a male perspective? although its early he should attend the antenatal classes too

only advice i can think of to pass on to him is:

'Get a farkin' grip!'

My DH was a bit like this 1st time round, thrilled that I was pg, but no idea what to do/how to cope (I was really ill when pg).

He did some things that were horrendously insensitive (I was being sick and he laughed and took a photo!). He actually really thought it was funny, as though I had drunk too much or somthing.

Later, I was hospitalised and instead of arriving when visiting hours started, he went to buy a new book for himself and was half an hour late, having promised to come on time! He could not understand why I was upset (well upset is an understatement).

The above examples - neither of them had a shred of malice intended even though they hurt me a lot.

I would recommend trying not to argue/get cross about it and trying to cut him some slack because men and women are just not on the same page sometimes. It is even harder though when you see other women's DH/DP behaving so thoughtfully so she must try not to think about them!

Thank you cestlavie, I know not all men are useless as my dh has been amazing. pg and parenthood are scary prospects for both mum & dad.

My concern is that if he thinks it's hard now it's about to get waaaaaay harder in about 6 months time.

Dads out there, did you have some sort of revelation when it came to the crunch? Did it make any mums or dads change their ways(for better or worse?) I get the feeling that a lot of people get into this parenting lark thinking it'll somehow fix their relationship (though that's not a comment on my friend's situation)

just looked up the books, they look helpful. I think he's feeling a bit usurped, maybe a book all about him would help .

photography of sickness, omg!! I hope it was a digital camera