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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My new partner has killed my cat by accident

93 replies

Lorddenning1 · 31/08/2019 08:59

Just that really, it was a tragic accident, we got in the car to go out for the evening and we were travelling around 15 mph when he jumped out and there was no time to react.
He hit him and then I watched my little boy pass away and to make matters worst his injuries were quite severe so I have that forever in my mind :(
It's only been a day and I'm devastated, telling the kids this morning was grim and my oldest is very upset. Can me and my partner get through this, how do we get through this, he is in pieces too :(

OP posts:
gingersausage · 31/08/2019 10:50

Your boyfriend didn’t kill your cat. Sadly your cat died in a road accident. You have to reframe it in your mind to this.

The day after it happened is not the best time to be trying to figure out how to get over it. Allow yourself time to grieve the death of your pet, but try not to dwell on the circumstances of that death. The loss is the heartbreaking part, however that loss occurs, so just be sad for your kitty.

YouJustDoYou · 31/08/2019 10:54

Your boyfriend didn't "kill your cat". The cat jumped in front of the car - it was an accident. The fact your bf is upset speaks volumes.

Piggywaspushed · 31/08/2019 10:55

Oh flamingo, how lovely you are!

Piggywaspushed · 31/08/2019 10:57

OP, I understood your post. I just think you maybe worded your title a bit clumsily but it is perfectly clear you do not blame your DP.

Topseyt · 31/08/2019 11:01

This happened to a friend of mine who was pulling into her own driveway when her own cat shot directly under the wheels of her car and died.

I know it was awful for them. It is awful for you and your DP now. It was an accident. You both need time to process it.

Cats are free spirits, especially when they go outdoors. My cat liked to roam. I always feared this sort of thing when we had him, although it wasn't how he died in the end (old age). All of the neighbourhood cats round here do love to roam in the road, and a couple in particular rub all the way round my car and lie down underneath it. It makes me paranoid that I could injure or kill one of them too in a similar way to your DP. I'm afraid it is the reason I will not get another cat, though we are all different there.

Be kind to yourselves. Give yourselves time. Flowers for you.

InsertFunnyUsername · 31/08/2019 11:01

Just be sad, cry and miss your cat for now. Like you said it was an accident. Your partner will be blaming himself enough, especially seeing how upset your DC are. My DF run over our cat when we were young, she survived but he was so upset everytime he saw her with her little bandages so I can only imagine how he would have felt. I'm sorry this happened OP it will get easier Flowers

popsadaisy · 31/08/2019 11:05

So sorry you've had to go through this I can't imagine how awful that must have been for you and him. Time is a great healer and I wouldn't give up on your relationship just yet. I bet he's mortified. Be kind to yourself and grieve the loss of your little boy x

funnelfanjo · 31/08/2019 11:06

It’s coming up to a years anniversary since my lovely boy cat ran out in front of a car. I ended up comforting the driver who was as upset as me and also had the shock of it happening.

You can’t get over it in a day, you’re grieving and the grieving process is different for everyone and takes time. Just be kind to each other, and it’s ok to get upset.

FuriousVexation · 31/08/2019 11:07

Im so so sorry OP.

I lost my heart cat to a road accident 10 years ago and I still miss her so much.

My uncle accidentally killed his family dog when he was coming onto the drive and she jumped out.

Please don't listen to twats telling you that cats shouldn't be let out. Their nature is to roam and explore. They NEED to go out, just as humans do! Yeah you can keep them in 24/7 but I think it's very cruel to do so.

tierraJ · 31/08/2019 11:08

So sorry to hear about the loss of your cat xx

Everafter1 · 31/08/2019 11:09

I'm so sorry for your loss 😔 this is really heartbreaking.

It adds another layer for you because you'll no doubt be reluctant to express some of your feelings as you'll not want to make your partner feel any worse.

It's a tragic accident & your dp will be feeling tremendous guilt but it must be horrible for you. The loss is greater for you. Although it was an accident you'll be feeling so confused as it was caused by someone you love.

It would be very hard to get by but just now it's too early to say. Take the time you need to grieve & do what you need to do. You'll be adjusting to the difference in your daily life. If you need any space your dp will understand. It will get easier over time.

Topseyt · 31/08/2019 11:11

Illuminated, bugger off.

By the way, you didn't even get your correction correct. It is predators, not preditors!

EdnaAdaSmith · 31/08/2019 11:18

Sorry for your loss, telling the children must have been horrible. Do they know who was driving?

People seem to use the word partner very loosely these days - is this actually your life partner whom you've been with for a year or two and just new as in you haven't been living together long, or someone you've only just started dating, hasn't met the children but you like a lot so far?

It makes a difference IMO because a brand ew relationship might not weather this despite it being illogical, especially if this is one of the first associations the children have with him! Whereas if you have been together longer there's a solid foundation, the children already know him and have other associations than just the guy who ran over our cat...

InsertFunnyUsername · 31/08/2019 11:18

I tried to keep my cat indoors and he hated it, would bolt to the door any given chance and would climb out the top windows. Once he was out he was a bugger to get back in. It wasn't fair on him so I let him out to roam and he loves it. I would hate to be trapped indoors 24/7.

Illuminated · 31/08/2019 11:22

Illuminated, bugger off.
Yeh, no. It is what it is. I am sorry it happened but posters that say cats should run free have no idea. Little regard for the safety of the cat they supposedly love or that of wildlife. So bugger off yourself. Ignorant fool.

By the way, you didn't even get your correction correct. It is predators, not preditors!

Auto correct Hmm... Must be brilliant to be perfect up there on your high horse amongst your ignorance and self importance :)

AryaStarkWolf · 31/08/2019 11:55

I have to say I'm not sure I'd be able to forgive him fully

Just as well the OP DP isn't your DP then, poor guy :/

Zakana · 31/08/2019 11:59

I am deeply sorry for your loss OP and I feel that your DP feels awful also, even though there is little he could have done. Hugs to you all xxx

TwoCanPlayAtThatGame · 31/08/2019 12:20

I am sorry it happened but posters that say cats should run free have no idea. Little regard for the safety of the cat they supposedly love or that of wildlife.

What do you suggest then? That they are cooped up in a house for their entire lives?

They're animals. They belong outside fulfilling their natural instincts. Not stuck indoors.

Thecabbageassasin · 31/08/2019 12:36

It's a thread about the validity of the ops feelings towards her partner after he accidently ran over her pet, not an aibu about letting my cats roam free.
Perhaps start your own thread and stop hijacking this one.

EssexSexpot · 31/08/2019 12:48

So sorry OP - how awful for you all.

Don't make any decisions while the pain is very raw, it will be altering your perceptions and making you feel things that won't last.

Look after yourselves and each other for a while. You'll get through it with time and love Thanks

Topseyt · 31/08/2019 14:02

No, Illuminated, I don't intend to go anywhere. You don't sound as though you have much experience of cats, or if you do then you are choosing to be obtuse about it.

Some of them may gradually become housecats as they age. Mine did. Generally though, as young and energetic animals, they don't do well remaining cooped up for too long. Many can become destructive indoors with little to exercise their natural instincts. They are hunters. Predators. Some more than others. That isn't something that can easily be catered for indoors.

Hadjab · 31/08/2019 17:52

I have to say I'm not sure I'd be able to forgive him fully. I realise that it was an accident but it would be always be in the back of my mind

WTF?

Umm, key word is accident

MilkshakeMonkey · 31/08/2019 18:20

You are grieving. I’m sure he understands that.
Even in a non-traumatic death (like put to sleep) you would ask “what if”.
I recommend googling Blue Cross Pet Bereavement, it’s great website with useful information for you and your children at this difficult time

Funguy · 31/08/2019 19:13

So sorry, maybe a virtual hug will help Flowers

Absolom · 01/09/2019 00:14

Generally though, as young and energetic animals, they don't do well remaining cooped up for too long. Many can become destructive indoors with little to exercise their natural instincts.

I have indoor only cats. They've always been indoors. They know no different. They will be a product of their upbringing though. If they're allowed out to attack other animals then that's what they're used to.

They are hunters. Predators. Some more than others. That isn't something that can easily be catered for indoors.

This is why I keep them indoors. Because wildlife deserves to be there but introduced species don't have the right to hunt and kill them. Some areas in my country ban cats roaming for this reason. Not only damage cats can do but cats can be killed by cars, unsavoury people or stolen for pets or as dog fighting bait... There's many reasons why I keep mine but each to their own... It is wrong though, that they cannot live a fulfilling life indoors if that's the only life they know.

OP I'm sorry for your loss. It will take some time to get over.

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