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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My new partner has killed my cat by accident

93 replies

Lorddenning1 · 31/08/2019 08:59

Just that really, it was a tragic accident, we got in the car to go out for the evening and we were travelling around 15 mph when he jumped out and there was no time to react.
He hit him and then I watched my little boy pass away and to make matters worst his injuries were quite severe so I have that forever in my mind :(
It's only been a day and I'm devastated, telling the kids this morning was grim and my oldest is very upset. Can me and my partner get through this, how do we get through this, he is in pieces too :(

OP posts:
Wehttam · 31/08/2019 09:37

Be sad at the loss of the cat not how he died otherwise it’ll just keep playing on your mind.

StoppinBy · 31/08/2019 09:38

I can't believe the people saying they couldn't get past this, the person who needs to keep their pet safe is you, not people doing 15 down the road. There is nothing to get over in my mind (apart of the terrible loss of your pet of course), he didn't do anything, if you let your cat roam this is just one of the unfortunate risks.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 31/08/2019 09:42

You said the cat jumped out in front of the car.

therefore your new partner didn't kill the cat.
it was an accident.
the cat was hit by the car, that doesn't mean your partner killed the cat.

Hoodiesallsummer · 31/08/2019 09:43

It was an accident but I can understand why you would have mixed feelings about it all and it could affect your new relationship.

Catsandchardonnay · 31/08/2019 09:52

I absolutely love cats (even more than chardonnay!), I have 3 and have been through similar feelings when I’ve lost them in the past. One in particular who was my baby when I was going through fertility issues died of cancer and I was heartbroken. But you do get through it.

What you have to think of is that you gave your cat the best life possible and the way you are feeling now is because he was so special in your life and what he added to your life is why you have the pain if you see what I mean? You wouldn’t have chosen not to have him to not have the pain now, I hope this makes sense. You are honouring what he brought to your life by feeling this way. You loved him and were with him when he dies, his last memory will be you. Get out all the photos you have of him and have a good cry. Believe me, you will feel better over time, and perhaps even ready to give a home to another lovely cat (or maybe 3 😺)

To those saying you should have kept him in - what a nonsense. Cats are free spirits, they are meant to roam. He was just doing what he loved to do.

To those saying you shouldn’t forgive your partner - what a nonsense too. It was an accident pure and simple and your DP is really upset.

Flowers for you and DP and your kids and of course your lovely boy.

TwoCanPlayAtThatGame · 31/08/2019 09:52

I personally would never forgive him

What is there to forgive him for though? It was an accident and the OP says herself there was nothing he could have done.

I did this once OP although it was on a 40mph road and the cat just ran out of the hedgerow in front of me. It was horrific. It died instantly and, as there were no houses nearby, I just lifted him off the road onto the verge so that he at least wouldn't be crushed further.

I felt terrible about it and it haunted me for ages (still does on that same stretch of road). It happened nearly 10 years ago.

I'd be a bit Hmm if someone said they weren't going to 'forgive' me for it though. There was literally nothing I could have done. I applied the brakes (I was the only car on the road) but it was too close.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/08/2019 09:55

It could have been you driving. It just so happened to be your new partner. Sorry for your loss. 🌷

Daylily34 · 31/08/2019 10:00

My dad did the same to our family cat when I was a kid . If your partner is very upset too - that’s all you need to know really . Accidents happen

SunshineCake · 31/08/2019 10:02

FlamingoQueen - how lovely you are Flowers.

I rang to report the body of a cat by the road and I was impressed how immediately the receptionist said they would send someone round to pick him up. A few hours later I ad a call to say they had located the owner.

Oakandlove · 31/08/2019 10:02

It is raw and horribly sad, but you also know it was an accident and you have to really tell him, it is ok. 'We are all sad, but in no way do we blame you, it will be ok'.

helpmeiamatoad · 31/08/2019 10:03

I’m so sorry for your loss! This is the reason I only have indoor cats, their lack of road safety terrifies me. Your partner must be feeling awful Sad

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 31/08/2019 10:05

Of course it's horrible, losing any pet is horrible, but particularly in your case. But it will get less raw, honestly.

Please don't blame your partner, even just in your head - he must feel awful enough anyway.

I once ran over a little dog in a car park. I was only doing about 10 mph max, but the owners had opened their car door before putting it on the lead and it just charged off straight under my wheels. It was just awful, but unavoidable from my POV. Sadly these horrible things do sometimes happen.

DBML · 31/08/2019 10:10

Imagine what your partner is thinking. How he’s killed the pet you all love. He watched you sob. He’s probably equally traumatised.
My dad hit my kitten over when I was 17. It was an accident. I was upset but you get over it.

Whatnotwot · 31/08/2019 10:11

How do I get through this. I’m raw and sad and I keep getting upset but I don’t want to infront of him.

It’s ok to be raw and sad. Your beautiful cat has died so how could you feel otherwise😞.

There are two things going on here: Raw grief along with not wanting to upset your partner under the circumstances by showing your grief. Just remind your partner that you are upset but not with him because you totally know it was an accident and he couldn’t possibly have stopped the car in time. You can’t expect yourself to not act upset because it is a horrible thing to have happened and more so, to have seen.

Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to cry. Your feelings are a testament to the love you had for your cat. It will get easier but for now you will be raw. Give it time and be kind to yourself and your partner who I’m sure must feel dreadful 💐

thedancingbear · 31/08/2019 10:14

The people suggesting that they should or could not forgive him, when it was an accident over which he had precisely zero control or responsibility are fucking unhinged.

This is the MN relationships board at its very, very worst. For some posters the answer to literally every question is 'LTB'.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 31/08/2019 10:16

^This^

Thecabbageassasin · 31/08/2019 10:19

I can totally understand where you are coming from, even though it is an accident you will have conflicted feelings towards your partner.
For the posters that don't get it perhaps consider how you would feel if your partner accidently broke something of yours that had huge sentimental value, would you just brush that one off in an instant too.
Of course you will feel anger and resentment towards him, but its early days and you are grieving for your loss, totally natural, but you'll get there. Flowers

Illuminated · 31/08/2019 10:24

To those saying you should have kept him in - what a nonsense. Cats are free spirits, they are meant to roam. He was just doing what he loved to do.

No THIS is nonsense. Thankfully we live in an area where it's law to keep them in and not have them roam. They're predictors and no doubt killed plenty of innocent wildlife before it had its day. I love cats, we have cats and it's my responsibility to keep them and the wildlife around us safe by keeping them in.... FOR THEIR SAFETY as much as for the safety of the wildlife around...

If you let your cat free roam for its "happiness" (which is rubbish anyway they'd much prefer you kept them safe than make up your interpretation of their preference) then you risk them getting killed by cars or other less savoury ways......

I am truly sorry to the OP it would be awful but posts like my bold are ridiculous and I feel sorry for any animal in that posters care.

Illuminated · 31/08/2019 10:25

*preditors
Not predictors... Hmm

Thecabbageassasin · 31/08/2019 10:28

Illuminated. Do fuck off with your nonsense. The Op has just lost a much loved pet.
If you want to start a thread about the rights and wrongs of letting cats roam, feel free, but this is not the place.

WombatChocolate · 31/08/2019 10:30

Although you have got horrible images in your head, the fact you were there is actually a good thing because you know your boyfriend had no chance of stopping - if you hadn't been there you might have had a little nagging doubt about it. You need to feel for him because what he's going through being the driver is harder to deal with.

And yes to it being very raw today but time helping a lot. You will move beyond it and cope.

Don't use the phrase 'partner killed cat' - it's sensationalist and either used to attract followers to this thread, designed to make boyfriend sound like the baddie or terrible use of English. Regardless I'd stop using that phrase on paper, out loud and in your head as it's not helping. You coukd get the thread title changed.

Perhaps there's a bit if you that wants to blame him even though you know it wasn't his fault. That will be your response to the grief and feeling helpless, but you have to resist giving into that and also to letting a thread like this feed that feeling - notice some people say they wouldn't forgive...and even by asking the Q about getting through it, you are entertaining the idea that you won't be able to or shouldn't.

Be sad and be sad too for your boyfriend...and accept it as a terrible tragedy.....and don't try to analyse it too much.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 31/08/2019 10:32

Of course you're upset but it will subside with time. I would be honest with your partner, in that you're upset but know it wasn't his fault.

Our cat was put to sleep a few weeks ago after a very sudden and traumatic illness. Our oldest was very upset but now a few weeks down the line, she's okay about it all.

What helped us was putting all the cat things in the garage to avoid seeing things that reminded us. Of course we remembered her but it wasn't in our line of sight all the time. We've now got a little cat ornament in the garden as a little ode to our cat and hopefully a smiley reminder.

Crazybunnylady123 · 31/08/2019 10:35

Sorry for your loss. Cats leave pawprints on our hearts. Flowers

CatPunsFreakMeowt · 31/08/2019 10:40

To those saying you should have kept him in - what a nonsense. Cats are free spirits, they are meant to roam. He was just doing what he loved to do

Absolute rubbish! Letting your cat roam is sure fire way to make it very likely they will suffer a violent, early and unnecessary death. Cats are not free spirits any more than dogs are.

cookiechomper · 31/08/2019 10:42

I'm sorry for your loss. But there is nothing to forgive your boyfriend for, it was an accident and there was nothing he could have done. It could have been anyone driving the car, the cat still would have jumped out and been killed. The cat died by running in front of a car, your partner didn't kill it.

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