Called out by DH - I think it's the end

[nunnun]

My DH basically told me today that he's sick of me sponging off him and I think it's the final nail in the coffin of our marriage. He works, I don't. I call myself a housewife. Our kids are adults. He's a hard worker, I'm bone idle and often do very little all day and spend too much time on mumsnet and fbook. I don't pull my weight and I've been getting away with it for too long. I haven't had a job for so long I'm virtually unemployable. He likes to cook so I don't bother. I do not treat him with respect as much as I should. He says I'm a misery. We haven't had sex for ten years. He's mostly good-natured but can be verbally nasty to me, is critical and picks on me. I can't remember the last time we went out together in the evening or the last time we had even a weekend away. Part of me is too scared to leave because I can't face the nastiness of a divorce. But this is an awful way to live isn't it?

It sounds awful. Don't be scared of being on your own. It can be much better than a bad relationship once you get past the fear.

Can I ask why you haven't gone back to work in so long? I'm guessing it's not actually that you are 'idle'.

Maybe get a job?

It doesn’t sound like a great life for either of you.
Do look into moving on, both of you deserve a peaceful life.

It sounds as though you've got yourself stuck in a rut and maybe this is the push you need to improve things.
You don't say anything about how you feel about your DH. Do you want to salvage your relationship?
Your whole post is quite passive. Maybe your DH doesn't know what else to do.

Why don't you work? Why haven't you been out together? Why haven't you had sex?

sorry are you saying what he says is true or not?

Theres so much you can do! You sound like someone who has been quite passive in your relationship and your own life and let me tell you.... it could well be a positive! Because you have so much room for improvement! I think deep down you do see his point.... and all you need is a kick up the backside. Get up, start being proactive. Noone is gonna forever serve u all in a silver platter. Hell! You have so much life to live! Dont give up on your marriage, get started improving yourself. Youll be so happy afterwards on all fronts. Your husband will probably too!

I am sorry that you are going through all this. I also think you are being too hard on yourself. Why didn't you work? Was it because he preferred you to raise the kids? Did he support you/encourage you to go back to work? I can only imagine its an impossible task when you have been out the game for a long time.
However- FB, Mumsnet, not doing much at home, etc- it's not good for you, or for a relationship.
The way you treat yourself is the way people will treat you. Use your time wisely!

It sounds like your marriage has not been strong for a long time. Are you in love? Or just living an easy life?

I promise you life is more full filling when you have a purpose, good habits and feel productive- no husband needed.

Good luck

I had what most would think of as a good job but I left when I became depressed and I haven't worked since. I'm ashamed to say that was more than15 years ago.

Did you get treatment for the depression?

How old are you? What do you want to do?

You have no life OP! You need to get out there and get a life for yourself, get a job, get hobbies and friends, get a sex life. Make a life for yourself. Don’t vegetate just because someone else is bankrolling you. Get some pride.

Oh dear. In that case, I can see your h's point of view.

Why should he work when you don't ? Why does he cook? What do you do with your life? What have you done about your depression??

Don’t feel shame OP. Ask your DH, any DC and your doctor for help in getting out of this passive nightmare you've fallen into. You only get one life, you have to find a way to live it, not sleepwalk through it.

Could you find a job? Maybe suggest a date night? If it's too late for your marriage, you'll still need a job anyhow.

Is what he’s saying about you true?

Sounds like you would both be happier apart - you're absolutely right that it's no way to live.

If this was a bloke the word ‘cocklodger’ would be creeping in here to be honest’. If it’s true OP, I feel sorry because you are clearly depressed to have that amount of a lack of pride. Maybe it’s sortable, nYbe it’s nit but you clearly need to take a look at your life

You sound in a rut. Can't say I blame your husband for wanting out of the marriage. It's not fair that he works and keeps house while you do nothing. You already know this though, don't you? You've lost your identity and feel that you aren't qualified enough for any kind of employment. You're wrong. You need to start focusing on the end goal, which would be to get off your arse, get assertive and apply for jobs. Recruitment agencies are a good place to start. Even doing volunteer work would build your self esteem and get you back engaging with people. Having a job, a social circle and your own money will bring you happiness. It's time to kick start your new life and stop just existing.

Sounds like a reverse.

Didn't you have a baby this year?

Well, you've reached a crossroads and you both need to decide which road to take now.

You can either talk about your problem and decide how you can resolve them together, or you can separate and work on them separately. What do you both want to do?

If your mental health is preventing you from action, please go to the doctor's and get help. Perhaps that's the first step?

The lack of sex and not going out are easy problems to solve - just do it! Your job prospects will take some more thought and work, but it's not a hopeless situation. Think about what you'd be interested in doing and look into retraining.

Whatever you both decide, good luck

Sounds very like a reverse.

I don't blame him for what he's said if it's true.