Called out by DH - I think it's the end

[nunnun]

My DH basically told me today that he's sick of me sponging off him and I think it's the final nail in the coffin of our marriage. He works, I don't. I call myself a housewife. Our kids are adults. He's a hard worker, I'm bone idle and often do very little all day and spend too much time on mumsnet and fbook. I don't pull my weight and I've been getting away with it for too long. I haven't had a job for so long I'm virtually unemployable. He likes to cook so I don't bother. I do not treat him with respect as much as I should. He says I'm a misery. We haven't had sex for ten years. He's mostly good-natured but can be verbally nasty to me, is critical and picks on me. I can't remember the last time we went out together in the evening or the last time we had even a weekend away. Part of me is too scared to leave because I can't face the nastiness of a divorce. But this is an awful way to live isn't it?

ah @KetoWithIF
Sorry misread your post! Ignore my waffle.

You didn't misread my post, KetoWithIF, because you're second post was just as special and inspiring. I hope OP reads your posts and concentrates on them. They are obviously very heartfelt and I think anyone can see that. I can't give better advice and it's not like I speak from a great position, but @nunnun on the back of things said, better than I can put it, you need to find that small part of yourself, that is your own and take tiny steps to realising you are an individual again. You are not alone in feeling this way.

Such a long time out of the job market, you must feel that you wouldn't know how to do a job again, OP, but it is like riding a bike, you never forget.

I have a phobia of bureaucracy and now I'm having to face up to it, because the shit has hit the fan for me too. Good luck!

Thank you for your replies and advice, especially those that have really understood what I mean. It isn't a reverse, this is mine my DH and life and it doesn't make me feel good to write these things about myself. Yes, I do know that I need to take control of my life but I've got to the stage that I'm worried about his reaction if I stand up for myself - he's very pushy and persistent and I wouldn't know how to answer him because he twists my words and I get confused. He's never been physically violent towards me.

We are in a rut and have been for a long time. Our days are divided up between us into a series of tasks around the house - he does this, I do that - and the weeks just slip by, I feel more like an employee than a partner. I think sometimes he despises me.

It’s great you’ve recognised the problem and as a PP said perhaps this is the spur you need to improve! Start cooking? Start doing more around the house? Start to build your confidence up and look for a job? It seems you’ve lost yourself but it’s never too late to find yourself again!

You sounds depressed and have given up, not just on your marriage, but YOURSELF.

Honestly, I'd start by seeing the GP about depression. If you have depression, decide on your treatment plan whether that's meds, counselling, both, whatever.

Even if you want to go on as you are, your DH is giving clear warning that he's about to pull the plug on all this, so you your life is going to change whether you want it to or not.

The best thing would be to start taking charge NOW and make the changes you need to make. Then you'll be ready for your marriage perhaps ending.

You never know - getting help and turning your life around might make you see your DH differently and improve the marriage anyway.
It's a win-win either way.

You just can't go on like this OP.

Look into retraining and get a job. No matter what happens with your marriage you need to get out of this rut.

It sounds like he has never actually fully appreciated you and because of this, you've fallen into a rut/routine of not doing anything worthwhile because even when you are doing worthwhile things, there's no appreciation for it so why bother.

You should bother. I would start by considering leaving. Anyone that describes their partner as 'sponging' off them doesn't have much respect for their partner. There's much better ways to phrase it. Retrain. The Open University have several courses you can do or you could even do less time consuming one's first to ease you in. If you don't want to leave, retraining is definitely the way forward at least.

I can see why he'd get frustrated but I don't think he realises that he is fuelling your low state of mind even more and not helping. He wants you to have some get up and go and respect for yourself but he's showing you very little so it's a vicious circle.

It's one of two ways as I've said above. He is a decent guy that has lost some respect for you and it's worth working on or he is actually 90% of the reason why you've fallen into this rut. Which do you think it is?

I agree with much of what @AMAM8916 has said. Also the term 'sponging', he does not appreciate what you have put into this relationship and family. There is no winning here. But you are starting off again from a poor position because you gave it all to your kids. He needs to recognise that, does he in anyway recognise that?

I can see this from both sides and have sympathy for both of you. Is this really worth salvaging?

@KetoWithIF what lovely supportive posts. You should be proud to know you are making such a positive difference to the lives of others.

I'd be feeling the same way as your husband if I was in his shoes!
Why should he work hard and cook for very little back in your part!

After so long out of work you no doubt feel incredibly overwhelmed and likely don't have the confidence to just start applying for a job. It may take some time to get to that place. Plenty of people return to work after long periods off, eg. illness, raising a family

Everything you are saying points to depression. You have to take a step in the right direction, and I'd suggest picking up your phone and calling your GP as soon as possible.

Things need to change, make it happen one step at a time.

Get a job - any job that brings some money in will do.

A bit of volunteering can't lift the financial burden in the slightest. But a job, whether it's cleaning, a bit of admin, temping, whatever, will show you're making efforts to change your lives.

After all, if you refuse on whatever grounds, there's a good chance he'll leave and then you'll have no choice but to work, as Universal Credit won't let you get away with it.

DP was like that. He had anxiety/low self esteem and tried saying he'd be a house husband. Not good enough for me - I had to work to keep a roof over our heads, and I was on the point of saying I was done, as the mental and physical load of work, the bills, the housework and shit meals had got me to the brink of calling him a fucking cocklodger/sponge/leech and to piss off and find somebody else to live off.

Admittedly, this coincided with a bereavement and my impending redundancy, so I wasn't in the mindset to be particularly tactful anymore, so I think he was aware that I was just at my absolute limit. I think what actually got him to realise was an exhausted 'You know you'll have to get a job when I drop dead from a heart attack, don't you?', followed by my going to bed every night at 7pm.

But it had to get to that point for him to realise it was going to end things if he continued to sit back and leave me to do the grown up stuff.

He got some temping work. Then he got a job and the worry, stress and gut churning anxiety I had at 4am, knowing as soon as I left for work, he'd be asleep or pottering about online, lifted immediately.

And he's actually happier - he bought a much needed washing machine with his first pay and he seems quite proud of himself for doing that. It's an obvious symbol of him contributing, combined with getting up, making sure he has clean work clothes, dealing with people, etc.

I would say to start by applying for some jobs.

I had been basically out of work for 20 year, apart from an occasional casual job, at the beginning of this year - and got a new one within a couple of months. It has increased my self-confidence massively and provides a bit of security when dealing with the rest of my life.

I am sure you can do this too. It doesn't have to be high powered to start with, just something to build your confidence. I would also suggest that visiting the GP might be a good starting place.
And start thinking about what you want? Where you want to live? Do you still want to be with him? And where do you want to be when you retire? What kind of holidays do you want? What is really important to you?
Life is too short.

Thank you all. You have given me inspiration. I've made an appointment to talk to the doctor this week and discuss my mental health and self esteem. It's a start.