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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I HATE him, but can't live without him ......

74 replies

Nightskywonder · 30/08/2019 22:51

I'm in such a horrible 2 year relationship with a horrible man. He's a cocaine addict, super selfish, his hygiene deteriorates from time to time. He goes out and I don't hear from him for hours or days. He pressures me into having sex when he's been taking drugs and when I do he literally uses me to go as hard and as fast as he can until he finishes ... I hate him! ..... I've left him so many times yet I completely breakdown and I mean fall to pieces at the thought of not being with this horrible selfish, drug using man. I feel trapped, like I can't escape, but it's ME that's keeping me there ... I really don't know what to do to get away and STAY away from him. My heart just breaks and I can't function in daily life, work etc when I leave him, I think of the good, although there's not much and I feel like I can't breathe without him ... Sad ... Not really sure what I'm asking as it's only myself that can leave. Anyone experienced this please and had a happy ending? X

OP posts:
toadabode · 30/08/2019 22:54

This reply has been deleted

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Orangepearl · 30/08/2019 22:58

He’s only a man wtf.

Ellisandra · 30/08/2019 22:58

Did that make you feel good @toadabode ? What a nasty thing to say.

OP, no experience, but not an arsehole Hmm so I’ll say that recognising it is at least part of the way to getting out. There will be a reason you’re with him, and you are NOT the only one. Counselling to understand what you’re getting from this and why, may help. Good luck.

SmellbowSpaceBowl · 30/08/2019 23:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Louigoo · 30/08/2019 23:06

You CAN live without him. And you will.

Blueuggboots · 30/08/2019 23:09

I'm sorry but you're being ridiculous!
I would suggest you're addicted to the drama.
You can and should live without him.

RJonezy · 30/08/2019 23:09

T@toadabode what a nasty thing to say. I really hope the same doesn't happen to you! What great advice. Jesus.

Couldn't read and run on that one.

OP I give you strength Thanks

Cabezona · 30/08/2019 23:09

Your heart breaking when he leaves is temporary. Him being a cunt is permanent.

Remember this and it will get easier.

You do not love him and I would suggest speaking to your GP because it sounds like something from your past may be affecting you?!

cranstonmanor · 30/08/2019 23:38

What makes you go back?

RosaWaiting · 30/08/2019 23:41

Some people want to keep pushing the self destruct button

That’s what you’re doing

Is it to avoid taking responsibility for yourself?

category12 · 30/08/2019 23:45

Have you done the Freedom programme? You could also look into co-dependence and traumatic bonding, and see if any of that has resonance for you.

Mrsmummy90 · 30/08/2019 23:49

I was in a relationship with someone I despised but also felt I couldn't leave.

I knew the relationship was destroying me but I felt addicted to him.
Eventually, after years of emotional, physical and sexual abuse, I finally left and never looked back.

I'm now happily married with the most amazing man I've ever met and we have two beautiful daughters.

I honestly don't know why I stayed in a terrible relationship for so long but once you leave and have had time to heal, you will see that you are worth so much more and don't need him.

PerfectionistProcrastinator · 30/08/2019 23:50

It is perfectly possible to continue to breathe without him in your life. You CAN live without him, you just don’t want to.

Passmeagin · 30/08/2019 23:51

Some of these comments are awful. Op you really need some professional help to help you gain some self worth. You deserve so much better. You really do. It's hard when you believe that's all you're worth and when you genuinely believe you love them. Please leave and work on yourself. It'll be the best thing you ever do. Trust me I've been there and come out the other side

ArianaCandelabra · 30/08/2019 23:55

Love, you are in urgent need of very intensive therapy.

Nobody needs a man. Nobody can't live without a partner. What you have is an emotional dependency on an abuser, and the only way to get through that is to learn how from a therapist.

One day this is going to be a shitty distant memory - now is the time to start taking steps towards that future.

Belfield · 30/08/2019 23:59

You need therapy OP. This is not love. This is low self esteem and a man seeing that you do not think highly of yourself. Probably related to childhood. Therapy will help you. Best wishes

user1479305498 · 31/08/2019 00:15

OP, I think you like the drama, this is not a criticism by the way, some people just can’t cope with normal/mundane. I had a friend like this , the minute she met anyone who wasn’t causing her mental havoc daily, she actually found it ‘boring’. It was if she needed her life to be an episode of Eastenders. Please think on this and be honest about whether it’s the fact you thrive on drama, maybe that’s what makes you feel’alive’ because I can assure you there are way nicer ways to live and nicer people to share lives with - just depends what floats your boat

RavenLG · 31/08/2019 00:25

You lived without him before and you can live without him now.

Does this person bring light into your life? Do they make life easier? Do they love you with their entire being? Do they appreciate you? Do you make you happy more than sad?

Just think about what you want in life, in a long term relationship, in a family. Does this person have the capability to bring you your dreams?

PeterthePainter · 31/08/2019 00:35

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AgentJohnson · 31/08/2019 00:58

You lived without him before and you can live without him now.

^This

This isn’t about him, it’s about you. You need IRL professional support to break the cycle.

You can do this but you’re going to need help.

Boxerbinky · 31/08/2019 06:17

I also spent too many years on a coke addicted waste of space, he didn't force me into sex, but he burnt through all my savings (including an inheritance from my mum) and put me into massive debt. I also believe he was regularly cheating, though This was the least of my worries at the time!

He could wrap me round his little finger, I kept believing he would change, retrospectively I think this is because he had worn me down, my self esteem was at an all time low, I became depressed and withdrawn. I don't think it helped that I was also in a job that I didn't like too.

I also didn't think I could be without him. I was wrong and so are you. Leaving him was the best thing I've ever done! Over the few years I've been away from him I have changed jobs, pulled myself out of debt (amazing how easy that is to do when you don't have someone draining it quicker than its earned). In short I regained my confidence and self esteem.

You can do the same OP! Xx

nrpmum · 31/08/2019 06:25

I was married to a man exactly like this for 5 years. It took me being hospitalised (he was violent too) for me to see this wasn't normal.

My exh used the next 15 years to torment me as we had a child together. I had non-molestation orders and all sorts.

Getting out is hard, staying away is harder, but when you do get out do the freedom program because you'll recognise how much more you really are worth, and you will thrive.

greentheme23 · 31/08/2019 06:26

Like he's addicted to coke. You are addicted to him. Go cold turkey op. Cut ties. Move. Get away.

Don't know why people have to respond to ops very abusive and awful situation with more abuse? What kind of people are you?

PhilCornwall1 · 31/08/2019 07:35

Too much drama, get some self worth and go.

Ilikethisone · 31/08/2019 07:40

Of course you can live without him.

It hurts when you end a relationship.

You need to accept that and wait for it to pass.

As pp said, you lived without him before him. You can do it again.

People dont keep repeating their behaviour, unless they are getting something out of it.

So what are you getting out of this?

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