I HATE him, but can't live without him ......

[Nightskywonder]

I'm in such a horrible 2 year relationship with a horrible man. He's a cocaine addict, super selfish, his hygiene deteriorates from time to time. He goes out and I don't hear from him for hours or days. He pressures me into having sex when he's been taking drugs and when I do he literally uses me to go as hard and as fast as he can until he finishes ... I hate him! ..... I've left him so many times yet I completely breakdown and I mean fall to pieces at the thought of not being with this horrible selfish, drug using man. I feel trapped, like I can't escape, but it's ME that's keeping me there ... I really don't know what to do to get away and STAY away from him. My heart just breaks and I can't function in daily life, work etc when I leave him, I think of the good, although there's not much and I feel like I can't breathe without him ... ... Not really sure what I'm asking as it's only myself that can leave. Anyone experienced this please and had a happy ending? X

@IrisAtwood - A really insightful and compassionate post.

OP, I hope you're able to sift through the vitriolic bollocks and see that this is not your fault (though it is your responsibility to deal with it, unfortunately), and that you can change.

Thank you for the kind supportive comments and also thank you for the direct but blunt comments, maybe I need to hear it, as for the horrible comments I'll just pay no attention, I have not meant to make anyone angry I just genuinely feel I need help or advice on my situation, that's why I posted.

I know it's on me to leave, but unless you've been in this situation (as a few previous posters have) you won't really understand. When I met him I was confident, had lots of friends a career that I love (I'm a physiotherapist) but I have allowed him to take all that away. I can only work with women, I'm not to go out drinking etc. and so much more.

If I saw this happening to one of my friends I'd be telling her to get out & stop being so stupid. But here I find myself. Thanks again for the supportive comments, I will take your advice and look into therapy, look into trauma bonding and the freedom course.

I'm going through exactly the same at the minute. It's hard wanting them when you know they'll hurt you. Sending love xx

When there is time and distance between you and this genuinely toxic relationship, you will look back and think why did I waste so much time, love and energy. Don't waste a second more.. build your strength, make a plan and move on. I promise I don't know one person that has been in a similar situation that didn't wish they'd left sooner. Good luck xxxx

Hi. You've probably got quite low self esteem after putting up with this behaviour for 2 years. This in turn isn't making you strong enough to leave and stay away.

You need to work on your self esteem so that you then have a strong sense of self and truly believe you deserve better. Once you have that, you won't turn back. The best way for you to built your self esteem is to have counselling. Your GP can help with that and also any underlying depression or anxiety. Please do go and deal with this as soon as possible. It's bad now but it will get even worse. Get out while you are still somewhat you

Take the step of putting some distance between you.
Treat it as if it is an addiction.

OP you need to reframe this.

He hasnr taken anything away. You have given it away.

You have the power to take it back. Stop thinking of yourself as a victim of circumstance or of his.

Realise that you do have power in your own life and you absolutley can choose to not have him in your life and get your life back.

What on earth do you see in this loser?

You need to distance yourself from this man now!

You deserve a happy life, this does not sound like one! You need to find the strength to leave for a longer period to understand that you can be happy without him. Imagine yourself with everything you have ever wanted... it's all possible.
I'm assuming at this point there are no DC to consider but what if there were? Would you want your children seeing this? This to be their norm? Leave now before you are tied to this man for life! Some therapy will help.

I wish you well

This quote is very true. I think you need to see a counsellor and work through the issues you have that mean that you don't value yourself and your own happiness. You deserve happiness, everyone does. Get some help to work on yourself and why you feel the way you do and little by little you will move on and find somebody who respects you and treats you well.

It isn't melodrama - it is addiction - YOUR addiction, OP. It involves trauma bonding too, as mentioned by a PP.

But it isn't melodrama - I too remember how broken I used to feel, yes, barely able to breathe.

This article will explain things more, and gives some first steps on breaking free. Ignore that it talks about 'a narcissist' - the process is biochemically the same, whatever the diagnosis (or not) of the person:
blog.melanietoniaevans.com/what-it-means-to-be-addicted-to-a-narcissist-and-how-to-break-free-from-it/

"If I saw this happening to one of my friends I'd be telling her to get out & stop being so stupid".

You wouldn't want this situation for a friend OP so please don't settle with it for yourself. You could do so, so much better and you won't have a chance to possibly meet Mr Right if you stay with Mr Wrong. We only get one life and this man deserves no more of your precious time.

Leave him, cut all ties and give yourself time to heal and to grieve the relationship you wanted it to be. Remember that you will survive and go on to thrive without him.

Take care

I was there too, @Nightskywonder. You can do it.

@Nightskywonder I’ve pm’d you x

I've left him again, I have to pack his stuff up. I feel so elated yet anxious at the same time. This is always the way. A few days and it hits me, that feeling like I can't cope. I know I have to put everything into this, this time. He treats me like nothing, treats my home like a doss house, I know I deserve better. He's been so awful to me the past two weeks, I can't do anything right ... I'd NEVER ever associated myself with someone like him usually, especially with the drug use as I'm so against it, I just need to keep this in mind. I've read back over all your comments and I will be doing my best to use the advice given to stay away from him once and for all. Thanks again everyone

My boyfriend takes crack with prostitutes.

Sounds like you’re trauma bonded to him Night Sky xx

@Nightskywonder

I've left him again, I have to pack his stuff up. I feel so elated yet anxious at the same time. This is always the way. A few days and it hits me, that feeling like I can't cope. I know I have to put everything into this, this time. He treats me like nothing, treats my home like a doss house, I know I deserve better. He's been so awful to me the past two weeks, I can't do anything right ... I'd NEVER ever associated myself with someone like him usually, especially with the drug use as I'm so against it, I just need to keep this in mind. I've read back over all your comments and I will be doing my best to use the advice given to stay away from him once and for all. Thanks again everyone

You say when you leave him you think of the good. There can't be anything good about a relationship like this !

I hate him for doing this to you. Had a similar experience. Drug addicts are basically like narcissists in their selifishness and the erratic nature can be really addictive. I kind of see it like stopping smoking. You might fail to stop the first time but don't stop trying. I had enough eventually and have nothing but contempt for him.

I am not sure if this applies to you but I recommend reading the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. This has been hugely beneficial to me in understanding how i act in relationships and I wish I had read it decades ago. Also I think counselling would be really helpful. Hearing yourself repeat this stuff to a counsellor and having them convey to you that it is not acceptable really helps with resetting boundaries in my experience.

Also, as a temporary measure, just start doing nice things for yourself just for you. I decided to treat myself to nice pyjamas after a day of no contact. It's surprising how much of a difference this makes as you are kind of rewarding yourself and telling yourself you have worth.

Hope some of this helps.

Also read Reinventing Your Life by Jefrrey Young and and Janet Klosko. Terrible title, great book.

Sorry, I didn't read all of the posts before my comment. My ex was a drug addict and a twat but not controlling. Although the books I suggested were helpful for me I think the advice from posters who have actually experienced this kind of abuse will be more helpful. I've heard good things about the Freedom Programme. I really hope you are OK. I don't think you're melodramatic. You're in a lot of pain.

@Nightskywonder last post over a year ago. I wonder how it all worked out for her.

Realised this belatedly. Hopefully she got out and has been too busy rebuilding her life to have time to post....