I HATE him, but can't live without him ......

[Nightskywonder]

I'm in such a horrible 2 year relationship with a horrible man. He's a cocaine addict, super selfish, his hygiene deteriorates from time to time. He goes out and I don't hear from him for hours or days. He pressures me into having sex when he's been taking drugs and when I do he literally uses me to go as hard and as fast as he can until he finishes ... I hate him! ..... I've left him so many times yet I completely breakdown and I mean fall to pieces at the thought of not being with this horrible selfish, drug using man. I feel trapped, like I can't escape, but it's ME that's keeping me there ... I really don't know what to do to get away and STAY away from him. My heart just breaks and I can't function in daily life, work etc when I leave him, I think of the good, although there's not much and I feel like I can't breathe without him ... ... Not really sure what I'm asking as it's only myself that can leave. Anyone experienced this please and had a happy ending? X

Stupid melodrama. Just don't get pregnant.

@Nightskywonder you can live without him but you must cut ALL ties, move out, change phone number, the lot. I was in a similar relationship many years ago and it took me a long time to move on but I got there, and was so much happier for it. I found a confidence and self worth I never had before, and I met a good man, who treats me with total respect. Please, please get away from him before he destroys you completely. You can do this. 💐💐💐

Op please ignore the abusive messages on here. Those posters do not deserve to be listened to. You need to get some help. It sounds like a living he'll and you have to make the decision and choose a better life for you. Anxiety and stress take your breath away...you can actually breath if you choose to. Leave! Just run and don't look back. Call women's aid and see your GP for a referral to therapy or pay for one if you can but you are going to need some support irl. Your post was so disturbing as was some of the mean replies. You deserve some happiness

Are you addicted to the highs and lows of this relationship? Did you grow up with parents who treated each other/you badly?
You need to work on your self-esteem, counselling/therapy would be perfect for you.

You aren’t happy with this man. He won’t change. He enjoys abusing you and chooses to do it every time. A happy ending? Realising you deserve more and being content on your own.

@Allinadaystwerk

Op please ignore the abusive messages on here. Those posters do not deserve to be listened to.

Does it occur to you that maybe some of us posting have been through very similar experiences and know exactly what we're talking about?

Does it occur to you that maybe some of us posting have been through very similar experiences and know exactly what we're talking about?

Does it occur to you that even if this is true, calling a woman who is being sexually abused 'a convenient wank sock' is completely despicable?

Does it occur to you that maybe some of us posting have been through very similar experiences and know exactly what we're talking about?

Does it occur to you that even if this is true, calling a woman who is being sexually abused 'a convenient wank sock' is completely despicable?

Actually, mners speaking to me in terms that made me realise how exh thought of me made me leave.

Exh treated me as a wank sock. Pressured and conversed me into sex and didnt give a shit if I enjoyed it.

When I read statements, that verbailsed how he treated me and how little respect he had for me. I left.

So you have your point of view, others have a different one

Read her op. I said that's how he's treating her based on her own (extremely melodramatic) description. He isn't interested in her sexually at all.

She is not trapped in this situation.

By her own very clear description, she can leave and has done so more than once. He does nothing to stop her leaving or to force her to come back.

The entire thing keeping her in this situation is her own self-created image of this passionate dramatic situation.

In her own words.

She needs to start seeing the situation for what it really is. And that starts by reframing it in her own mind in a way that reflects the reality, not the self-created melodrama

Sorry my post was in reply to @ArianaCandelabra

I cross posted with you @Ilikethisone but thank you, yes that is exactly what I was getting at, and I'm so glad to hear that you got yourself out of that situation. I did too

The “wank sock” comment above is completely despicable.

This woman is suffering. Why add to it by being unkind to her? None of us know exactly what is going on - but clearly he is sexually abusing her - that in itself is enough for us to show her compassion, surely?

OP, perhaps start with trying to address your own mental health, which must, understandably, be compromised at present. See a GP, who may recommend medication and/or counselling. In my experience, nothing can come right on the outside until you are right on the inside. Easy to say and hard to do, though.......

@tinyvulture did you read Ilikethisone 's post?

The op is suffering because of the way she's depicting this situation in her own mind. It's only her who can free herself. She needs to start seeing it for what it really is.

I felt like that about my ex husband. He was as disgusting as this guy but pretty awful nonetheless.
Felt he was the love of my life etc etc.
He dumped me when I became ill after 20 years and it was only then I realised what an utter prick he was, initial fear and sadness but then the fresh air blew in.
leave him, work through youer feelings with counselling etc then never go back.
It's like giving up smoking or drugs, you know they will kill you but you still do it.
It's great when you are over it.
Then get some help for your SELF ESTEEM!!!!

that should say wasn't as disgusting as that guy.

Read her op. I said that's how he's treating her based on her own (extremely melodramatic) description.

So now she's melodramatic?

You're the one who used that horrible, derogatory phrase about a women being sexually abused by her partner. Pressuring someone for sex is a straightforward issue of abuse.

I agree that OP needs to leave her partner, but she is clearly experiencing difficulties with that. It's why I suggested therapy. Not everybody is born with the skills they need to make good choices for themselves. And against that backdrop you stride in and call OP a melodramatic wank sock.

As I said - despicable. And you can double down and pretend you're just concerned and trying to help, but that's a comfortable lie you're telling yourself so do don't have to acknowledge how awful you actually were.

Have it your way @ArianaCandelabra

Ignore those posters who've explained exactly why we needed to hear it in those terms to actually make the break and leave.

Ignore actual first hand experience and just make some vague comment about "therapy", lol.

And if you can't see that "I HATE HIM BUT I CAN'T BREATHE WITHOUT HIM" is melodramatic then there really is no point.

If op wants to respond she will. And I hope and believe she will, even if it takes a while. That's what matters. Not you

The ending of a relationship is always hard and it's easier to convince yourself of all their good points rather than be alone and going through the grief. But you HAVE to go through this before you can properly move on.
I've had to have therapy before after a relationship ended and the therapist told me that when we are grieving the loss of a relationship, all our minds want to do is take away the pain in the short term (ie go back to the comfort of what we know rather than the scariness of the unknown future). This is not a long-term fix as the cycle just gets repeated and repeated as long as the ex takes you back.
It's like ripping a plaster off... you have to be strong and remind yourself this is about the LONG TERM not the short term 'fix' of taking away the pain. Breakups hurt whether it's you or your ex who instigate it. Highly recommend getting therapy too xx

Ignore those posters who've explained exactly why we needed to hear it in those terms to actually make the break and leave.

Don't pretend that you're in a position to know what OP needs. You're making a whole lot of assumptions, acting as though they're facts, and completely ignoring the very real possibility that if OP is somebody who has serious issues with her self esteem and sense of self worth, you saying it's her fault she's in the situation she is and calling her vile, shaming names is potentially going to cause her real harm.

Please tell me there are no children in the middle of this mess?

OP: Please say something
Poster 1: Opinion
Poster 2: You didn’t say the right thing!
Poster 3: You’re disgusting, Poster 1
Poster 2: You didn’t say the right thing!
Poster 4: Opinion
Posters 2 and 3: You didn’t say the right thing (add vicious personal attack)
OP: Hello? Hello?

MN eats itself again.

OP - one tiny step at a time. Start by identifying where you can go when you leave.

Some people are missing the point.

No one here thinks she is a wank sock.

He is treating her as one. While op still believes he actually does Carr about hee she wont leave.

Some posters (I didnt say it so have no horse in this race) can understand that the OP really needs to hear exactly how he views her so she can make that break.

some of us posting have been through very similar experiences and know exactly what we're talking about?

Which is exactly why the cruelty of some of these replies is so nasty. You were never trauma bonded; you were never completely enmeshed in an abusive relationship. If you had been you would understand. If you come back and say that you were, then shame on you for abusing another woman.

OP, many people in abusive relationships either take a very long time to be able to leave or they never do.

I was ‘addicted’ to an abusive man. His behaviour was different to your partner, but he was absolutely wicked to me. I was lucky because he ended it, although it felt like hell at the time.

For months I was distraught and experienced physical pain as I processed the ending. I’m a grown woman, with a professional career, but because of my childhood I was co-dependent with a narcissist abuser. I am in therapy and working through all of this. It is hard and painful but worth it.

Look after yourself. You are worth it. You deserve better.

If you leave him - and you know that you should - you will survive. It will be hard, and you will be tempted to go back, but if you keep away eventually you will experience tremendous freedom and relief.

OP, please do get some help with being able to a) break away from him, and b) make healthier choices in your relationships.

Therapy can be life-changing and life-affirming. It's hard work, but when you begin to understand that your choices now have been shaped by your relationships with your family growing up, you can start to find a different sense of freedom - and to find yourself.