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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have a hall pass (i think?)

62 replies

JustAnotherMumHere · 30/08/2019 08:48

Dh and I have had difficulties in the past but we’re pretty solid right now. He can see I’m a bit “restless”. I want to party when I can’t for example. I’m in my mid twenties, I had my babies in my early 20s. I feel like I missed part of my growing up.

He says he wants to watch me have sex with an 18 year old guy. He wants to watch me control them or something and he thinks it’ll be good for me to realise I haven’t lost me. He’s always said he doesn’t me mind flirting around if I’m out.

But I’m not and never have been attracted to young guys. I kinda like old guys (dh is same age as me...)

I told him about my fantasy of meeting some guy in the gym (I don’t even go to the gym... Hmm and fucking them there..) and he just told me to get a gym membership.

So now after this conversation I can’t stop fantasying about the missed opportunities I’ve had with older guys.

There is one guy i met as a teenager who was interested and we kept in touch but it abruptly stopped when i met dh and i feel like we never “finished” (we never had the chance to fuck even though we both wanted to). He lives on the other side of the world so it would honestly just be a one off. I’ve written a draft message to him and debating about sending it.. even just writing out gave me butterflies - something I feel I’ve lacked for years. I Have no idea about his personal life at the moment.. but it doesn’t hurt to let him know the offer is there right?

There’s another guy who i met at a work conference who we play linkedIn “ping pong” (ie i look up his profile and then he looks up mine.. on repeat) but he works for the sister company where i work (but I’m quitting that job and he lives in another country - so it that fine?) i would hate that our colleagues / my former colleagues know this...

Of course I don’t want him to watch. I’m still debating about if he should know.. I’m trying to assess if he would like hearing these desires or be hurt by it. He’s craving to know my fantasies and i just hide them from him...

But is this a hall pass? Is this acceptable to act on my imaginations? Can I just flirt a bit? Would acting on this put an end to the fantasy?

Argh. Please no one be angry at what I’m writing, i love dh and he is the one - I’m just trying to solve this merry go round in my head.

I asked two close friends, one said just party out these feelings, don’t act. The other was more curious as to why he wants to give me a hall pass but didn’t really comment on if I should use it.

Shit I can’t believe I’m going to post this...

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 30/08/2019 08:51

Are you sure your dh means it and it's not just a fantasy?

How would you feel if he did it?

You need to have a really honest discussion about opening your relationship

TwoCanPlayAtThatGame · 30/08/2019 08:56

God, how grim.

I think that in relationships where people step outside of the primary relationship, one of the rules is generally that there is transparency and honesty.

It's up to you and your partner what boundaries your relationship has but, it appears that, contacting someone in secret for sex is not the boundary your boyfriend is suggesting.

I think you both need to he very clear on what the parameters are - for both of you - before you take this any further!

Original poster
JustAnotherMumHere · 30/08/2019 09:00

That’s a really good point Shoxfordian. I guess we need to have a heart to heart on the subject when I’m confident enough to voice this.

As for if he had this option, I don’t know. If he did it without permission I wouldn’t end us, but if he had permission to.. I don’t know what I would think. Or if I would give it. Which is partly why I’m so confused by these feelings..

OP posts:
Original poster
JustAnotherMumHere · 30/08/2019 09:03

Thank you @TwoCanPlayAtThatGame I’ll do this with honesty if I do it.

I don’t want to talk to him about it though unless I know this is something I actually want. It’d be silly to bring it up if I don’t really want this..

Sorry for not making sense..

OP posts:
category12 · 30/08/2019 09:05

I think you're mistaking your dh's cuckold fantasy/fetish, for a "hall pass". He wants something out of it - to watch and get his kicks.

The reality of you actually acting on it may explode your marriage, if he doesn't feel like he expects to feel about it. It certainly isn't the same thing as you going off and fucking someone else without him getting his jollies out of it.

Shoxfordian · 30/08/2019 09:05

There's a book called Ethical Slut about open relationships, and lots of other online information. I recommend researching it all really thoroughly and discussing it all in depth before making any decisions

Original poster
JustAnotherMumHere · 30/08/2019 09:09

Fair point @category12 ..

OP posts:
BarbaraStrozzi · 30/08/2019 09:11

I think you're mistaking your dh's cuckold fantasy/fetish, for a "hall pass". He wants something out of it - to watch and get his kicks

That was my immediate first thought on reading this.

A "hall pass" would be if one partner had lost their libido and agreed to the other having discreet affairs.

This is using you as a prop or walk on extra in his fantasy life.

The only time I've come across this with a friend, it was very much an extension of her husband's controlling and abusive behaviour in other parts of their marriage and it damn near destroyed her, and later her relationship with her daughter when it all came out in the girl's teens that her parentage might be in doubt.

AMAM8916 · 30/08/2019 09:13

You're 20 odd, you already want others, your husband hasn't given you a 'hall pass', he's suggested you have sex with someone infront of him, you've suggested you might not tell which is cheating and in the middle of all these extreme desires you and your husband have, there's at least two young children.

Sounds lovely...

Juells · 30/08/2019 09:16

Someone I knew used to force his wife to have sex with other men so he could watch. It was abusive, not 'giving his wife freedom'.

Original poster
JustAnotherMumHere · 30/08/2019 09:21

Thanks everyone for putting these silly ideas to rest Flowers

Ps. He went to strip club about a year ago or so because he was angry at me. Only only told me recently. I think that’s why I’ve been feeling this.. idk.. it’s not the same at least.

And thanks for explaining what a hall pass is. I only found the term via google. Not really clued up on this sorta stuff.

I wouldn’t do anything to jeopardise us.

@Juells he isn’t forcing. That would be rape. He just voiced his wishes. Nothing wrong in that.

OP posts:
Juells · 30/08/2019 09:25

Ps. He went to strip club about a year ago or so because he was angry at me.

he went to a strip club because he wanted to.

*He just voiced his wishes. Nothing wrong in that.8

I didn't mean to imply he was forcing you, just that he isn't necessarily suggesting it for your sake.

BarbaraStrozzi · 30/08/2019 09:27

Flowers OP - sounds a bit as though there are other issues there and this is just the one that's crystallised things enough for you to seek out people to talk to about it.

I don't think anyone thinks he's proposing to force you into it - but there can be levels of coercion, control and manipulation in a relationship which though not overt force are nonetheless damaging and unhealthy.

My sense is that cuckolding fantasies are rarely benign for the woman.

category12 · 30/08/2019 09:29

Hot wife/cuckold is a reasonably common fetish. Given he wants you to dominate the bloke, you have someone there who's got some kink going on. It wouldn't be a bad call for you to join fetlife if it's something you want to pursue or find out more about.

pooopypants · 30/08/2019 09:30

Could he be suggesting something like a swingers club? Just a thought as a friend has recently visited one (yes, not me, genuinely a friend!) with her DH and they love it, though they don't join in with other couples

category12 · 30/08/2019 09:30

cuckolding fantasies are rarely benign for the woman

Yeah, I tend to think there's a lot of misogyny in it.

Imtootired · 30/08/2019 09:31

Maybe this is “kinkshaming” but I would feel sick if my partner wanted to watch me have sex with an 18 year old. Really disturbing in regards to a teenager and disrespect and gross to his partner. I dread to think what he’s want for the next time

Original poster
JustAnotherMumHere · 30/08/2019 09:37

I’m not comfortable with this “cuckolding” (never heard the term before now..) so I’m not going to do anything I don’t want to do. But I don’t mind him sharing his ideas.

OP posts:
Josuk · 30/08/2019 09:52

OP - MN isn’t the best place to discuss your fantasies that are anything but sex with one man (H) for the rest of your life.
Reality is - there are many versions of healthy relationships out there.
And - especially for marriages that started so young - where both of you missed out on meeting and experimenting with other people prior to settling down - keeping sex life interesting and exciting over the years can be a challenge.
So - maybe it’s fantasies only that will be a trick for you both.
Or maybe - you two will get to explore them.
Great thing is that these days you can find outlets for any fantasy - and lots of willing participants....
For what you mentioned specifically - there are swingers clubs; or women-led sex clubs like Killing Kittens, for eg.
Of course - before you embark on any of that - you and your H need to talk and agree on boundaries. And keep talking and checking in - because one might not really know their boundaries before they actually get into the new situation....

MissFloof · 30/08/2019 09:52

My bf has the same fantasies. No, it isn't a hall pass. He wants to be there and involved or just wants to talk about it. I think if you sleep with someone without his involvement it would be cheating.
If you sleep with someone without telling him, deffo cheating.
You both need to have a serious conversation but in my opinion.. Cuck/threesomes should stay fantasy

Juells · 30/08/2019 09:55

When I lived in Wiltshire there was a case where a couple drove around, with the wife signalling to other drivers that they should follow them for sex (dogging). They were tracked down by the police (can't remember why) but the upshot was that the husband was charged and found guilty of forcing sex by threats and menaces - the wife hadn't wanted to do it, but he'd threatened to leave she didn't take part.

Again, I'm not in any was saying that the situation is the same, but that those incidents have coloured my view of what seems like a jolly swinging lifestyle, where it looks like the wife is doing what she wants to do.

scubadive · 30/08/2019 09:58

You’re mid twenties and had your babies early twenties?? They are still really young then.

Look after your young children and put them first, why are you focusing on sex with other people. This shouldn’t be you’re priority right now!

BarbaraStrozzi · 30/08/2019 10:09

Josuk - always a good idea to read the whole thread. Your post is now immediately after OP's in which she says she isn't happy with the idea of cuckolding! So it's a no from her, and in relationships, no trumps yes.

This isn't a happy mutual exploration of swinging, this is a case where one partner's suggested something, the other isn't happy, and is wanting to talk through her feelings of discomfort.

Original poster
JustAnotherMumHere · 30/08/2019 10:19

Sorry @scubadive but this isn’t the 1950s. We have shared responsibility in our house. If dh can go partying for a weekend in ibiza then so can I (just if we do it at the same time the kids go to grandparents who are happy to spend more time with them).

We aren’t bad parents for not devoting ourselves 100% to our kids. We spoil them with love and attention and plenty of material goods and vacations as well. They are extremely lucky children and have it better than the majority of kids.

But I can still have a sex life even if my youngest is 3yo.

OP posts:
Lucie8881 · 30/08/2019 10:19

Look after your young children and put them first, why are you focusing on sex with other people. This shouldn’t be you’re priority right now!

Of course you should still look after your sex life after you have children! Neglecting that aspect of your relationship is what leads to further issue. Bringing the care of the children into the equation is just mixing up two totally different aspects of relationship/family dynamics.

However, the OP and her DH seem to be on different pages when it comes to their wants and needs. Only open discussion can remedy that, you both seem to be able to communicate freely so that's a good start. It's also important to acknowledge that fantasy and reality can be very different. Once you've actually acted out a fantasy how you both feel afterwards may be different to how you had anticipated.

All that being said, there are plenty of couples that do enjoy sexual relationships outside what is considered the 'norm'. The key being they both enjoy, it's all open, honest and consensual. Emphasis on communication.