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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have a hall pass (i think?)

62 replies

JustAnotherMumHere · 30/08/2019 08:48

Dh and I have had difficulties in the past but we’re pretty solid right now. He can see I’m a bit “restless”. I want to party when I can’t for example. I’m in my mid twenties, I had my babies in my early 20s. I feel like I missed part of my growing up.

He says he wants to watch me have sex with an 18 year old guy. He wants to watch me control them or something and he thinks it’ll be good for me to realise I haven’t lost me. He’s always said he doesn’t me mind flirting around if I’m out.

But I’m not and never have been attracted to young guys. I kinda like old guys (dh is same age as me...)

I told him about my fantasy of meeting some guy in the gym (I don’t even go to the gym... Hmm and fucking them there..) and he just told me to get a gym membership.

So now after this conversation I can’t stop fantasying about the missed opportunities I’ve had with older guys.

There is one guy i met as a teenager who was interested and we kept in touch but it abruptly stopped when i met dh and i feel like we never “finished” (we never had the chance to fuck even though we both wanted to). He lives on the other side of the world so it would honestly just be a one off. I’ve written a draft message to him and debating about sending it.. even just writing out gave me butterflies - something I feel I’ve lacked for years. I Have no idea about his personal life at the moment.. but it doesn’t hurt to let him know the offer is there right?

There’s another guy who i met at a work conference who we play linkedIn “ping pong” (ie i look up his profile and then he looks up mine.. on repeat) but he works for the sister company where i work (but I’m quitting that job and he lives in another country - so it that fine?) i would hate that our colleagues / my former colleagues know this...

Of course I don’t want him to watch. I’m still debating about if he should know.. I’m trying to assess if he would like hearing these desires or be hurt by it. He’s craving to know my fantasies and i just hide them from him...

But is this a hall pass? Is this acceptable to act on my imaginations? Can I just flirt a bit? Would acting on this put an end to the fantasy?

Argh. Please no one be angry at what I’m writing, i love dh and he is the one - I’m just trying to solve this merry go round in my head.

I asked two close friends, one said just party out these feelings, don’t act. The other was more curious as to why he wants to give me a hall pass but didn’t really comment on if I should use it.

Shit I can’t believe I’m going to post this...

OP posts:
FuriousVexation · 30/08/2019 10:26

You need to clarify with your H exactly what he has agreed to.

If he's given you "permission" to fuck a guy while he watches (which probably means he's into either cuckold or hotwifing) then that's all he's given permission for.

He hasn't said "Sure, go fuck anyone you want!"

If you want permission to open the relationship then you both need to be on the same page.

Original poster
JustAnotherMumHere · 30/08/2019 10:31

Thanks @Lucie8881 and @FuriousVexation Star

OP posts:
KOKOtiltomorrow · 30/08/2019 10:41

Me and DH do dirty talk about fucking other people - but that's where it ends. In our heads we'd love a threesome (for me it would be me, Dh and another woman, for him it would be him, me and another guy) but neither of us could cope with it in reality I don't think. so for us, its best left in the imagination.

Josuk · 30/08/2019 10:46

@BarbaraStrozzi

Thank you Barbara for your helpful suggestion...And I also appreciate your attempts to make sure OP stays on the straight and narrow...

However - in addition to reading that the OP doesn’t have the specific cuckold fantasy - she did sound to me like she had fantasies. And possibly desires that she wanted to explore. And so did her H.
And I don’t think anything is wrong with thinking of fantasies and boundaries and discuss it with your partner. And it’s good to know how and where those fantasies can be fulfilled....
I think is far better to be open about these things in a relationship than to get to a point many years later where you wish you had.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 30/08/2019 10:48

I think you're mistaking your dh's cuckold fantasy/fetish, for a "hall pass". He wants something out of it - to watch and get his kicks

I agree. He's told you about quite a specific fantasy he has - he wants to watch you dominate a younger man. That's not a hall pass.

You need to have a conversation about this, properly. Is it what you both want, or a fantasy to talk about? What are the conditions? Protection, how often you see someone, if this is a one off thing, whether DH has to be present, if any acts are off limits. Be really clear about whether you're both free to sleep with other people, and what existing boundaries stay boundaries.

It could well just be a fantasy that he enjoys exploring with you but doesn't intend to take further, or it could be that he wants an open relationship, or that he wants to watch, or that he's genuinely happy for you to have sex with someone else on some scale.

Divebar · 30/08/2019 10:55

I think you should read up about Hotwifing and Cuckolding so you understand what they are ( they’re not the same thing necessarily). Your partner has disclosed a fantasy to you and there’s nothing wrong with discussing that with him. There’s also nothing wrong with telling him about your fantasies about older men either... seems like he might be open to hearing about them. Whether you pursue them are a different matter but they might be a useful fantasy element of your sex life as a PP has pointed out. ( and if you want more info I wouldn’t come here for it. You don’t generally see much support for anything beyond standard monogamous relationships here )

yellowallpaper · 30/08/2019 11:01

Rather than focusing on the sexual fantasies you have outlined, perhaps decide on some sexual practices that excite both of you and don't include other people. Outdoor sex, risky environmental sex, personal porn, bondage and so on.

Even just date nights with an abstention leading up to the date to add some anticipation to your sex lives, and take your focus of other people

user1481840227 · 30/08/2019 11:04

Definitely not a hall pass!! and I really don't see how you can interpret it as one, to the point where now you're planning on cheating without telling him!

A huge amount of people 'missed out on opportunities' and will never have had them, but most choose to be faithful because they love their partner and don't want to lose them...so you would need to be very very clear about what your partner is allowing before you act on anything.

You say you need to have a heart to heart with your partner when you're confident enough to voice this, but yet you've written out a draft message to another guy and think it wouldn't be any harm to send it, there sounds like there is something wrong there!

AgentJohnson · 30/08/2019 11:11

He was angry at you and therefore went to a strip club, yeah right! In the nicest possible way, your relationship isn’t mature enough to go beyond talking about fantasies.

Acting out isn’t communicating and the fact that he is using his ‘anger’ as justification for his actions, suggests he isn’t mature enough to take responsibility for them. I would tread very carefully with this one, I can easily seeing him blaming you for behaviour he encourages.

Frith2013 · 30/08/2019 11:17

How revolting.

Branleuse · 30/08/2019 11:20

He wants to be a cuck. Not that uncommon.
If youre up for it, then have a big talk. You might be able to get some stuff out of your system and he might get off on it. You dont have to let him watch, but he would probably at least want you to tell him about it.

Be careful about fetlife though. Its pretty sleazy and grim if you delve into it, but it would probably help you find people

81Byerley · 30/08/2019 11:21

It all sounds a bit sleazy to me.

Baguetteaboutit · 30/08/2019 11:24

Seems like a car crash waiting to happen, still, no problem, just a couple of kids for collateral damage. Hmm

Branleuse · 30/08/2019 11:25

so do most peoples sex lives and fantasys sound sleazy if you actually find out about them. As long as everyone is willing and consenting though, thats the important thing

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 30/08/2019 11:33

Please no one be angry at what I’m writing, i love dh and he is the one 😂😂 yes his clearly the one that’s why you want to ride someone else cock.

Seriously some weirdos really do exists. If you can’t see this has trouble written all over it then you are beyond help.

Messaging a man that now lives on the other side of the world and telling him you want to fuck, is unhinged. I doubt your vagina is that appealing he’ll be on the first flight back Hmm

Also many people have fantasy’s but they really live up to what you imagine if you are stupid enough to act it out

Original poster
JustAnotherMumHere · 30/08/2019 11:46

Bit harsh here guys...

I think it was clear if you read the previous messages that I got the idea, what’s the point in ramping up the abuse?

OP posts:
Catbrat · 30/08/2019 12:04

In my experience the fantasy is better then the reality. Before I met my now OH I had a fair few one night stands from Tinder, the build up, the talking about what we would do etc was always better than the actual meeting, the sex, 9 times out of 10 was shit, and afterwards I felt disappointed and it certainly didn't live up to the picture and excitement I had in my head.
I think you need to talk to your OH and be honest with each other, maybe something along the lines of swinging might be good for you, or going to a sex club (if there is one in your area) just watching others, or them watching you might me enough of a kick. But I certainly wouldn't take what he has said as a go ahead to do anything, what he's said isn't clear enough, if you do involve someone else, make sure its a willing adult, not a teenager.

Someonetookmyusername · 30/08/2019 12:07

Whoah P1nkHeartLovesCake are you having a bad day?

If your husband is great and the one talk to him about it. As pps have said fantasy and reality are 2 very different things.

Do not go along with anything you don't want to do, same for your husband.

Croquembou · 30/08/2019 12:09

yes his clearly the one that’s why you want to ride someone else cock.

Oh, behave yourself. For plenty of people sex and love and relationships are completely separate. It's absolutely fine if that isn't for you but it doesn't exist.

Croquembou · 30/08/2019 12:10

*doesn't mean it doesn't exist

Belfield · 30/08/2019 12:40

The op has already dismissed the idea and can see it was not a hall pass so I don't understand why people are now turning on her and bringing her children into it. I think you should have a closer look at your DH. Sometimes controlling men like to suggest you have sex in front of them. It's to dominate you. Also the blaming you for his decision to go to a strip club. It may be nothing but no harm evaluating.

Original poster
JustAnotherMumHere · 30/08/2019 12:45

Thank you @belfield

No the strip club thing was something that he apologised for and felt terrible about afterwards. He really regrets that I can see that.

His ideas might just be fantasies as well, I’m not going through with his ideas though if they aren’t fantasies.

By teen, his words were actually 18-19yo, I just wrote teen because I assumed people would get that. Anyway not gonna happen.

OP posts:
sprouts21 · 30/08/2019 12:48

I'm quite concerned about him having gone to a strip club because he was angry with you. That's not a normal response to feeling angry. What was he angry about and what happened at the strip club? How do you feel about the fact he did this?

I would not play these games with a man who cheats on you and acts out sexually in a vengeful way.

I initially also thought about cuckolding but it's also worth noting that many cheaters will also suggest threesomes/ swinging.

MissFloof · 30/08/2019 14:03

Sex is a really heated topic on mum's net when it comes to relationships. If it is both consenting and both comfortable it's fine. So just have an open discussion with each other.
However, I would tell you to avoid it. Fantasy is much better. Me and partner were going to do it but I chickened out.. I thought I was comfortable with it but in the end i hated the idea of sleepping with someone else. It may turn me on but I just want to be with my bf and only my boyfriend.
I consentually messaged other men, photos of myself which was okay at the start. Really excited partner but in the end I felt him getting jealous when these men asked about my day etc.. (all these men knew the situation). So I made the decision to stop. Neither of us will ever be ready tbh and I think there will always be regrets (or at least in my situation, in my relationship)

Good luck x

Original poster
JustAnotherMumHere · 30/08/2019 14:17

Thank you @missfloof this is a perfect answer.
Didn’t really know where to go other than here but I know to not post on here again after some of these answers Wink

OP posts: