I have a hall pass (i think?)

[JustAnotherMumHere]

Dh and I have had difficulties in the past but we’re pretty solid right now. He can see I’m a bit “restless”. I want to party when I can’t for example. I’m in my mid twenties, I had my babies in my early 20s. I feel like I missed part of my growing up.

He says he wants to watch me have sex with an 18 year old guy. He wants to watch me control them or something and he thinks it’ll be good for me to realise I haven’t lost me. He’s always said he doesn’t me mind flirting around if I’m out.

But I’m not and never have been attracted to young guys. I kinda like old guys (dh is same age as me...)

I told him about my fantasy of meeting some guy in the gym (I don’t even go to the gym... and fucking them there..) and he just told me to get a gym membership.

So now after this conversation I can’t stop fantasying about the missed opportunities I’ve had with older guys.

There is one guy i met as a teenager who was interested and we kept in touch but it abruptly stopped when i met dh and i feel like we never “finished” (we never had the chance to fuck even though we both wanted to). He lives on the other side of the world so it would honestly just be a one off. I’ve written a draft message to him and debating about sending it.. even just writing out gave me butterflies - something I feel I’ve lacked for years. I Have no idea about his personal life at the moment.. but it doesn’t hurt to let him know the offer is there right?

There’s another guy who i met at a work conference who we play linkedIn “ping pong” (ie i look up his profile and then he looks up mine.. on repeat) but he works for the sister company where i work (but I’m quitting that job and he lives in another country - so it that fine?) i would hate that our colleagues / my former colleagues know this...

Of course I don’t want him to watch. I’m still debating about if he should know.. I’m trying to assess if he would like hearing these desires or be hurt by it. He’s craving to know my fantasies and i just hide them from him...

But is this a hall pass? Is this acceptable to act on my imaginations? Can I just flirt a bit? Would acting on this put an end to the fantasy?

Argh. Please no one be angry at what I’m writing, i love dh and he is the one - I’m just trying to solve this merry go round in my head.

I asked two close friends, one said just party out these feelings, don’t act. The other was more curious as to why he wants to give me a hall pass but didn’t really comment on if I should use it.

Shit I can’t believe I’m going to post this...

I’m not comfortable with this “cuckolding” (never heard the term before now..) so I’m not going to do anything I don’t want to do. But I don’t mind him sharing his ideas

This basically says, 'I was happy to go off fucking other people when I thought I was going to be able to act like a singleton but now I know that my partner might have wanted to get involved - Well, Fuck That - i'm not interested anymore'

I wouldn't say it's abuse, more opinions. You must realise that messaging someone to come half way around the world for a shag is living in cookoo land a bit

JustAnotherMumHere, If a man posted here and said his partner wanted to watch him with another woman and he assumed it gave him a hall pass to cheat and not tell her then he would have got far worse replies.

Reddit have a forum called r/sex where it's full of sex positive and very open minded people, but even on there you will get lots of similar replies to here because you are taking a fantasy he wants to be involved in and deciding that it gives you a hall pass to cheat!

Why are people so judgemental that at the first sign of something “ non vanilla” they trot out words like sleazy and rank. As an example Anal sex. Obviously only wanted by oppressive porn obsessed men. I’m not saying get into hotwifing but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it if two people both want to do it. How can you be confident your partner isn’t harbouring a kink if you’re so quick to jump on the slightest thing as sleazy.? Truly some people need to spend some time on a sex forum and find out the full range of people’s interests and you’ll soon see that hot wife is not all that unconventional after all.

The OP might have got different replies if it was just questions about hotwifing or whatever. The difference in this case is that he agreed to that and she decided she didn't want him to watch or know and that she had a hall pass.

The only other issue I have with it is the idea of her having sex with an 18/19 year old. She'd probably find a few who would jump at the chance, but at that age would they have the emotional maturity to handle the weirdness of the situation, being watched etc. would they feel a lot of pressure with another man in the room. The idea of it being a teenager makes it sound sleazy to me!!

I reckon your dh is encouraging this because he wants an excuse to sleep with other women.

I think the issue is he raised the possibility of sleeping with another man which she really wasn’t expecting to be on the agenda. And having had the prospect introduced started to think about opportunities missed and all the wild oats not sowed. ( and what her preference actually is which is older men) All that just seems to have got a bit muddled as she’s worked through it. She hasn’t asked about hotwife directly because I don’t think she knew what hot wife was. I think people have given her an unnecessarily hard time.

Sown. Doh! Posting on the beach and I can hardly see my screen

Unfortunately OP, your post involves some different approaches to a relationship which some people find difficult to process.

I second a PP here and say join FetLife. Great website. You can read up on stuff there. It's a bit like Facebook for kink. Could give you a few ideas if you wanted to go down that avenue.

I know people who have completely open and honest relationships, who fuck other people at the weekend, get turned on by seeing their significant other fuck other people, who like watching other people fuck... all consenting adults. The key is honesty and communication.

They're all personal kinks and everyone is entitled to them without judgement. Unfortunately, you won't find acceptance everywhere you go and not all people will understand it.

Perhaps now you feel they are best kept as fantasies. Maybe later on, you might want to act on them. But there is nothing wrong with your feelings and desires. And there is nothing wrong with your OH's feelings and desires. Please don't walk away from here thinking that what you feel is wrong... it's not. Its just there are some close minded people who like to put people into boxes. And if you don't fit in a box, you're wrong. Life just shouldn't be that way.

I disagree Divebar, you'd have to be living under a rock to not know that some people like wife sharing or threesomes or watching their partner with someone else. It was clear as day that her partner wanted to be there watching so it was a sexual thing for him too!

I really don't believe that someone can misinterpret something like that that their partner wants to be involved in, and then think that means they can go off and have sex with whoever they like and not tell their partner (cheat).

If someone came on here and said they had a fantasy to watch their husband with another woman, but then the husband didn't take her up on the offer and she found out later that he had cheated on her with someone from his past or someone he'd met at a work conference, and his explanation was that he thought he had a 'hall pass' then every single person on here would call him a liar!!

Posters who are open to open relationships and exploring their sexual side in ways you describe, have made it very clear that communication is vital. However, from what you’ve written, not only are you not on the same page, you also appear to have difficulties communicating clearly with each other to get closer to the same page.

Posters who are open to open relationships and exploring their sexual side in ways you describe, have made it very clear that communication is vital. However, from what you’ve written, not only are you not on the same page, you also appear to have difficulties communicating clearly with each other to get closer to the same page.