Scared my ex is going to kill me

[Spanckd]

I was in court recently and amazingly, they have agreed that until fact finding is done and he's deemed safe (which may never happen), he won't be seeing his son. This is what I wanted, as he is abusive and cruel and has really hurt me and my son psychologically and emotionally. The courts took it extremely seriously and were kind and understanding. My problem is, I am absolutely terrified of my ex. He is a narcissist and loves to be in control. He genuinely thought that court would go his way, but it hasn't. He's ended up with a non mol and CAFCASS telling him he cannot have access to his baby son. He is extremely aggressive and angry. He always used to tell me he wishes he could kill his ex, burn her house down, hire a hit man etc. Before the non mol he sent me threatening texts. He is an angry angry man and I am so, so scared of him. He knows where I live and I am waiting for him to just turn up anyday and do the unthinkable. I have no proof that he would ever do anything like this. I just think everyone has their breaking point and I am scared he is close to his. Is my only option to just wait and hope he doesn't do anything stupid?

You need to get any and every help you can to move.

seriously, get yourselves to a safe place and keep your heads down.

lock down social media, get a new day to day tel no, new email etc and keep the others on the back burner just in case there are any threats.

I've changed my number. Don't have him on social media (not do I post anything anyway), I'm living with my parents and can't afford my own place at the moment. Courts took me really seriously but police weren't so great as they didn't seem to understand coercive control very well. I just have a horrid gut feeling

Phone the police and ask to speak to them about his threats in the past, and known behaviour. Get yourself on their databases as a potential high risk victim.

So sorry you are going through this. I have been in a similar situation. If you haven't already can you communicate these concerns to every agency that is working with you? Cafcass, the police ( should be able to mark you as high risk)..make sure they have the correct phone number for you. Could you consider living in a shelter temporarily? Is there someone else you can stay with, even if just for a few nights so you can think clearly. I agree with the other poster. Lock down social media as much as possible. Are thee any security measures you could add. Ring doorbell etc. I wonder if a safeguarding police officer may be able to advise on funding for any of those measures. They just gave me a personal alarm.

Women's aid near you? May be helpful for some support.

Don't be alone and have a very low threshold of suspicion if some thing worries or alarms you report it all to the police.

Stay safe sweetie

I've had so much help from women's aid. I'm trying to get help from a local charity. I don't have any money to put up cameras but will look in to it and ask my parents to help. I'm going to go and stay with my dad who has just moved house and my ex has no idea. I am at home on my own and just feel freaked out.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-49481998 this fits my situation perfectly. He abused his ex too.

When you speak to the police again, show them the article. Maybe they'll understand a bit better.

Good luck and don't take any chances

I feel like the police are just going to say 'well what exactly do you want us to do?' - I already have a non molestation order. But it provides no physical safety. I just need advice.

Just go to your dad if that's safe. Can you be rehoused & disappear? Women's aid and solicitor may help you get further injunctions and liaise with police, they should give you panic button, but best to get away.

You need to inform the police now - if they ignore your plea this could be extremely dangerous for you and they will be to blame for not taking you seriously

I'm going to my dad's tonight and will stay there for a while. I need to get my own place. Just have no money until my maternity leave is over

Take your fear seriously & don't be put off my the police if they don't. Ask at your local station for an appointment with the most senior officer stationed there, they will get you that appointment. Explain to them your fears & their causes, that much of the threat centres on an infant, and that your ex has made explicit violent threats. Give them your current permanent address & the one you'll be moving to temporarily. Reports of trouble at either of these addresses will send up a flare.
The senior officer you deal with will absolutely make sure that other officers are made well aware of the potentially fatal consequences of your situation.
Hoping all goes well for you & that you find peace, safety & stability for you & your son.

The book "Stop Signs" by Lynn Fairweather is excellent. Worth buying off Amazon, as it pulls not punches, is very clear and very practical.
The author actually worked in a battered women's shelter as an assistant and counsellor when she found herself in a dangerous relationship.

Practically, I think you are right to get away somewhere safe and secret as soon as you can, as the early weeks are probably the most dangerous. In extreme cases, she suggests 'extreme relocation'. In the book, the final chapters are very practical steps you can take to raise your security, achieve high level alertness, dealing with police and child services, and building alliances with people who can help you. It is American, but lots apply here. You can read it easily in a day.

Try housing department. See shelter website for vulnerable homeless criteria. They may acceptvyou as homeless and your dad a son temp accom. It looks like you can't go home

Hi there,

Please seek support and take your gut feeling seriously. Report your concerns to the police and self refer to your local domestic violence support.

I was almost killed by my ex. The support I received from agencies was incredible and he is now in prison. Please don't underestimate how men who think in a particular way can react when they have lost control. Take care.

I was just about to post that BBC link to you Op. Alice was a close friend of mine, and I saw first hand the way his behaviour changed during their relationship, how it impacted her, and how she was fobbed off by the police before he killed her. Her parents are doing an incredible job at raising awareness but the failings in the mindset and training of the average police officer in this area is still putting the lives of women in danger, and I say that as someone that is generally very supportive of the police.

Its good that you can stay with your dad. You need support to contact the police and not take no for an answer or let them fob you off. Tell them you have a genuine fear for your life and that of your son, based on your ex's pattern of behaviour and concerns that it will escalate based on the court proceedings. Ask them for help and advice to keep yourself and your son safe, and if you can be put on a priority list or flare list for calls. Have someone with you to give you support and step in if they try and fob you off.

If you can get a recording doorbell or cctv then put it up. Make sure doors and windows are closed and locked. If he appears, immediately call the police and ask them to remove him. Don't listen to him, don't let him plead or reason with you. Make sure those closest to you know to tell you if he contacts them in order to get to you and if he does, report the messages to the police. Please make the most of the support offered by domestic abuse agencies and try not to be alone, even if just to give you peace of mind.

Good luck Op. I'm sorry this is happening to you, and I sincerely hope that the non mol gives him a wake up call to de-escalate his behaviour and leave you alone. You deserve better than this.

I had a friend who had an abusive ex and the fire service gave her something to fit to her letterbox in case he tried to pour petrol through the letterbox. Might be worth asking.

Op are you ok?

The police can do a risk assessment and they can fit a panic alarm to the house. You can also get your number flagged and home flagged with the police so they respond quickly.

Some great advice already given. The only thing I can think of is:
Did you keep any of the previous threatening texts he sent? That might help the police take you seriously.
Sorry that you're going through this.

He always used to tell me he wishes he could kill his ex, burn her house down, hire a hit man etc

Wasn't this a bit concerning to you? I'd be petrified if a BF said that to me.

Did he say these things when you were happy in a relationship with him?

I do hope you get to a safe place with your baby. Your dad's sounds like a safe bet.

Get yourself a personal panic alarm, that goes everywhere with you. It makes a screeching piercing noise when set off.

Try not to do your daily trips routinely, where monitoring your
movements would be easy.

If he knows where you work and you're worried he would try and target you there on return from Mat leave... let your employers know.

My employer has a domestic abuse policy and we take these things seriously.

Tell your dad to withhold his details on the electoral register and to not post his address anywhere.

It's terrible that the police don't take this more seriously.

There must be something the police can do to help? My friend has an abusive ex. The police have fitted special locks to her windows and doors, removed her letterbox. installed a panic button and put her on ‘gold alert’ which means the police have to respond to her immediately. I agree staying out the house would be best in the meantime. He’s more unlikely to go for you in the house than in public with witnesses

It's good that you're staying with your dad at an address that your ex is unaware of. But will there still be anyone at the address he DOES know? Because if anyone is (your mum?) then they need protection.

My mum is there. I don't know if he would be stupid enough to do anything but I still worry about it. The fact that I'm worried says a lot. I have been out all day today with my son and am heading to an art exhibition now to take my mind off things. I hate feeling like this. The whole court process is going in my favour (or I could say my son's favour because I know that this is what is best for him). It's so scary that one day the man I am scared might kill me, or hurt my son to get back at me might have access unsupervised to my little boy. He's already shown signs of putting my son at risk to jury me. He cancelled an important medical appointment just to spite me. I was devastated.