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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Scared my ex is going to kill me

57 replies

Spanckd · 28/08/2019 14:52

I was in court recently and amazingly, they have agreed that until fact finding is done and he's deemed safe (which may never happen), he won't be seeing his son. This is what I wanted, as he is abusive and cruel and has really hurt me and my son psychologically and emotionally. The courts took it extremely seriously and were kind and understanding. My problem is, I am absolutely terrified of my ex. He is a narcissist and loves to be in control. He genuinely thought that court would go his way, but it hasn't. He's ended up with a non mol and CAFCASS telling him he cannot have access to his baby son. He is extremely aggressive and angry. He always used to tell me he wishes he could kill his ex, burn her house down, hire a hit man etc. Before the non mol he sent me threatening texts. He is an angry angry man and I am so, so scared of him. He knows where I live and I am waiting for him to just turn up anyday and do the unthinkable. I have no proof that he would ever do anything like this. I just think everyone has their breaking point and I am scared he is close to his. Is my only option to just wait and hope he doesn't do anything stupid?

OP posts:
1FineDane · 30/08/2019 15:44

If you see him in your vicinity, 999 immediately, ask for police, state non-mol in place and that you can see him or whatever. They should respond as a priority.

1FineDane · 30/08/2019 15:45

If he breaches the non-mol order, I think he could face sentencing. Not 100% sure on that.

1FineDane · 30/08/2019 15:46

If he contacts you and breaches the non-mol order in any way, by any means of contact contrary to the order, 999.

BaloneyBar · 30/08/2019 16:23

I know I have already recommended the book Stop Signs - but I do think it could help you OP. It also looks at the future if you have to deal with your ex, for example, in relation to children. I found it very clear and comforting as it laid things out issue by issue, rationally and simply.

The most dangerous time is early after the breakup, as you probably know, or at trigger points. So if you can get through the next period, you will be in a better position: stay strong, stay vigilant, you will find a way.

Stuckandsad · 30/08/2019 16:27

I think you need a refuge through womens aid lovely. You can be sent anywhere but its safest going g forward

TruthOnTrial · 30/08/2019 16:32

This sounds horrendous to be in fear of your life.

Please make sure that the police have a cooy of the non-mol and its conditions, and thst it has power of arrest attached.

This would also mean that your address and ohone number are flagged as priority response because of the potential risk you face.

Theres a national scheme called 'sanctuary' that can locked down your house, including letterboxes and cameras. Use them urgently to get your house secured.

Dont be scared to tell people either.

Yiur neighbours will be your eyes and ears when you are not listening and looking. They will notice and should alert police immediately no matter what 'intent' they place upon him being there. Use them.

I am sorry I wasnt able to RTFT but wanted to post in support and also note down what I could that might help. Flowers

HalloumiGus · 30/08/2019 16:48

You've had really good advice OP. Just want to say well done for getting free and wish you well x

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 30/08/2019 17:40

Nothing to add to the excellent advice you've had. I just wanted to say how blown away I am by your courage and your passionate devotion to your son. You're an amazing woman.

NorbertHerbertGruntfuttock · 30/08/2019 17:45

Tell all the neighbours where you are moving from to keep a look out for him. Tell them the make/colour/registration of his car and tell them to warn you if he appears where he thinks you are. Do this at the address where your DDad has moved from too. At least that way you have the heads up and something to go to the police with verified by an independent person.

I was scared my ex would kill me. I think if I had stayed any longer he would have.

Whosorrynow · 30/08/2019 18:02

Godspeed OP

Original poster
Spanckd · 30/08/2019 23:02

Anyone awake? I can't sleep

OP posts:
Louigoo · 30/08/2019 23:11

I’m here feel free to message me if you need a chat

Mrsmummy90 · 30/08/2019 23:21

Are you at your dads now? Hoping you get some much needed rest.

Oldstyle · 30/08/2019 23:22

Hi OP. I'm here. Happy to listen or just hand-hold. You are right to be worried. Please do insist on appropriate support from the police. Must be so tough for you but you have done a brave thing to get free of him. Sending hugs.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 30/08/2019 23:38

This must be absolutely terrifying for you.

When my sister left her husband she was convinced he would kill her; he is a violent man and also had guns (legally). I won’t go into specifics but I think he came very close. It was an awful awful time.

Anyway, what I’ve come on here to say is that, seven years down the line, things have calmed down to the extent that they are civil to each other. He has moved on to someone else and is even being decent to the children.

I think this has happened by my sister just keeping her head down and biding her time. For my own part, I find it awful that we all have to act like nothing ever happened in order to keep the peace, but it’s what my sister wants and seems to have won her her freedom back.

So I very much agree with a previous poster that there is a chance that time will solve this, if you are able t keep yourself out of contact with him for a decent length of time.

pog100 · 30/08/2019 23:56

I remember previous threads about him, OP, he sounds vile. You've done all the right things and I'm so glad the courts have supported you. As most of the PP have said, I think you need to formally flag with the police the danger of the situation, and maybe draw comparisons with some of the more dramatic consequences of police not taking such dangers seriously.
For now though, you sound safe with your Dad, so relax and sleep!

Original poster
Spanckd · 31/08/2019 00:27

I don't think the police care, sadly.

OP posts:
TruthOnTrial · 31/08/2019 01:09

It very much depends on what part of the country you are in and what programmes.of education on DA they run, plus the attitude they have towards believing women.

However, in your case, you have a non-mol and if they are issued with a copy they are duty bound to arrest any infractions, and place your address and ohone number on priority response.

Please check whether your non-mol has power of arrest attached to it.

You can read the condition out to them and report that he is breaking it, i.e. if he comes to your home, or is seen by other witnesses, or uses others to get to you and so on, depending what is on it.

No surprise you can't sleep, you are in fear of your life. Just make sure all is safely locked, leave you car always parked facing outward to get away from.anywhere quickly if you need, and your phone in your hand, or under your pillow in bed. If you hear a noise in the night call the police first, worry about that later. They should be involved, whenever you feel scared, even if they treat you shit, you must call and be safe.

EverTheConundrum · 31/08/2019 01:38

You need to call Women's Aid ASAP and get into a safe house. They're honestly not that bad, I've lived in two before. Really good facilities for kids and play workers etc. They'll give you everything you need. Women's Aid are amazing. Even if you don't want to go to a safe house, the advice they can offer is invaluable. They also can speak to police/work/landlords etc on your behalf

Cantcopewithheranymore · 02/09/2019 23:56

@Spanckd Are you ok OP? X

NorbertHerbertGruntfuttock · 03/09/2019 06:33

Are you OK Spanckd ?

Original poster
Spanckd · 03/09/2019 10:06

I'm ok. Still at my dad's. Went to police station yesterday and they put me on high alert list (or something along those lines. Basically I will be a category A call if I do a silent 999 call). Still hugely stressed and anxious

OP posts:
bombomboobah · 03/09/2019 10:31

It's good that you're ok Spanckd😊 is your dad able to be supportive?
It sounds as if the police are taking you seriously, are they able to be reassuring?

Original poster
Spanckd · 03/09/2019 10:46

To be honest there's only so much they can do. If my ex manages to find me and wants to do something then he will. Deep down I don't think he will but it's in the back of my mind. In reality he's a coward. Dad is very supportive

OP posts:
bombomboobah · 03/09/2019 11:33

The fact that the police are taking you seriously and your dad takes you seriously, I hope that makes you feel more reassured
obviously it's nigh on impossible to take a dispassionate look at a situation where your life is in danger, but your ex's main objective is probably to cause you as much fear and stress as possible, if he were to actually harm you that would bring a whole load of trouble that he wouldn't want at all, so the most likely thing is that he wants to ramp up the fear as much as possible because he enjoys being in control but he won't actually do anything.

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