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Original poster

Is it reasonable to ask for help with a house deposit?

69 replies

pandapickle · 28/08/2019 08:37

Years ago DH asked his father if there was any way he could help with a house deposit for us and now it is constantly getting chucked back in our faces.

For a bit of context, FIL had taken DH along (no reason he needed to be there) to a meeting at the bank where his Grandmother signed over a significant amount (6 figures) to FIL to help him with his property. I suspect FIL wanted DH there as an implication that 'it will all go to him someday'.

FIL is now painting us as money grabbing. We've never asked for anything before and always pay for our own lunch when we see them.

Is it bad to have asked?

OP posts:
OhHimAgain · 28/08/2019 08:48

Yes.

hellsbellsmelons · 28/08/2019 08:48

You can ask, of course.
My dad helped my DSis with her house deposit.
And I know he would help me if I needed it and I'd have no problem asking.
However, FIL doesn't sound very willing so I think you will need to find another way.

OhHimAgain · 28/08/2019 08:49

Yes, it's unreasonable to ask.

PaterPower · 28/08/2019 08:55

I don’t agree that it’s unreasonable to ask, unless what you asked for was well outside his ability to afford.

Did you get any help from him?

itsmecathycomehome · 28/08/2019 09:07

I think it's unreasonable to ask. I've got four kids of house-buying age. I know they're all saving for deposits and so on, and would offer to help out if I could.

Unless you lived miles apart, and he had no idea of your desire to buy a house, it is not fair to ask and put him in a very awkward position. If he had wanted to help, he would have helped.

Personally, if I inherited a lump sum I would want to give some of it to dc. But if they asked me for it before it was offered, I'd think it was a cheek.

The only time it's acceptable to ask for money imo is if you are in dire straits and genuinely unable to dig yourself out.

PennyPittstop · 28/08/2019 09:10

I think it depends on the individual circumstances. My parents helped my brother buy his first house. Most parents in my social circle expect to help with a deposit now because it's so hard to raise enough to get on the housing ladder. How you asked, your relationship with the parent, the parents financial position and the terms of what you were asking for will of course all have impact on how they view the request. I do feel that constantly throwing it back at you is a bit harsh because it's not like you were asking to borrow money for a car or holiday. A house is to help set you up for life.

daisypond · 28/08/2019 09:10

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask at all. This is family, not some random on the street.

LemonAddict · 28/08/2019 09:11

The big questions are... did he help you... and have you paid him back?

WhoKnewBeefStew · 28/08/2019 09:13

I wouldnt have asked... only time I'd ever ask to borrow money is if it was an emergency and not a situation of my doing.

AgentJohnson · 28/08/2019 09:13

Unfair is the wrong word but he’s a hypocrite.

Mermaidsinthesand · 28/08/2019 09:19

Your FiL is no better got his mum to sign over money

It's not unreasonable if he can help given the climate we live in right now

Outlookmainlyfair · 28/08/2019 09:20

Why is it so bad to ask? Of course you can ask and he can say yes or no. It was a request not s demand.
Did he offer to help?
He is being a git for bringing it up the whole time.

Zenithbear · 28/08/2019 10:11

Yes it is unreasonable to ask. Your Fil is unreasonable to keep going on about it.
It seems to be becoming a bit too normal to expect parents to stump up house deposits. If you want something save up for it. If you are offered it, then take it.

Original poster
pandapickle · 28/08/2019 11:31

Thanks for replies, interesting to get a mix of responses.

He said he couldn't give us anything, which was genuinely fine with us. The reply wasn't just 'no' but included a suggestion that my parents help us. At the time we asked it was felt very 'time sensitive' as we didn't have room for a second child in our flat. We've decided since then not to have a second child.

I definitely didn't feel 'owed' anything and recently DH and I have dramatically changed our lifestyle so we can start to put money away for DS.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 28/08/2019 11:36

How can he chuck it back in your faces if he did nothing to help anyway.
Next time just tell him to fuck off.
What a dick he is.

Original poster
pandapickle · 28/08/2019 11:44

Also, I think everyone is right that it's down to circumstances. FIL lives nowhere near us so wouldn't know very much about the details of our lives. At that point in time his lifestyle was much more lavish than ours. He owns two properties and retired at 50.

OP posts:
TheFlis12345 · 28/08/2019 12:46

Next time he mentions it, give him a head tilt and say he must be confused, he got help funding his property from a parent but you didn’t as he refused.

Griefmonster · 28/08/2019 12:59

I asked my DF for a contribution to our savings for a deposit as he had given money to my DSis for her wedding. Asked (I thought) very respectfully in an email to give him and his DW time to discuss and not put them on the spot. He said no and said he was appalled I'd asked. I was very hurt. Not that he'd said no but that he implied it was rude and presumptuous to ask.

It was my DSis's suggestion I ask (as she knew me and DP at the time wouldn't get married or if we did, would do a low key cheap thing ourselves. The amount I suggested was the equivelant to what DF had given her for her wedding). DSis was mortified for me. I think it really changed my perception of my DF and people in general - that it wasn't safe to ask for help. It has taken me years to realise it is fine to ask for help as long as you know they person is equipped to give an honest answer. I think my DF's issue was he didn't have the emotional maturity to say no so had to blame me for asking in the first place.

For those saying it's unreasonable to ask - can you give us an insight please? Why is it not possible to say no and move on?

Bookworm4 · 28/08/2019 13:02

Does he not realise he’s retired and comfortable because HIS parent gave him £100ks? Hope they don’t think they’re avoiding care costs, they’ll get a shock.

Griefmonster · 28/08/2019 13:03

(and I don't think you were unreasonable to ask!)

Medievalist · 28/08/2019 13:08

Of course you weren't unreasonable to ask. Sad that he refused but appalling that he won't let it drop. If my adult dcs asked me and I couldn't help I would be sad about that, would explain why I couldn't help and leave it there.

Longsight2019 · 28/08/2019 13:36

Some families are simply not very good at discussing money. I’m a true believer of what you do for one, you do for the other/s. I have friends who have given their children the cash equivalent of uni fees when one went and the other didn’t. There are examples of huge disparity in my wife’s family regarding this. Cars bought for one, when the other paid back her loan from her dad in full. One even a private education, the other nothing. Very odd people.

Don’t feel guilty because you asked.

sunshinesupermum · 28/08/2019 13:44

You weren't unreasonable to ask. Not sure why FiL is so off with you now when he didn't give you anything!

My kids have never asked but I have offered, even though as a single mum it's been difficult. In one case I offered the money as a loan but had to ask for it back after a year and it was paid back in instalments.

itsmecathycomehome · 28/08/2019 16:23

"For those saying it's unreasonable to ask - can you give us an insight please? Why is it not possible to say no and move on?"

I think it puts older people in a difficult position. You can't say 'I haven't got it' because they know you have. So you are basically left with 'I don't want to' which you then feel the need to justify, and then you feel mean even if your reasons are sound.

It is not asking for an evening of babysitting, it is asking for tens of thousands of pounds. Which you then have to duplicate across all of your children in order to be fair.

You are also asking for money you actually know that they don't want to give to you - if they had wanted to, they'd have done it by now.

I think it's a new thing actually. People used to wait patiently to inherit but many of my friends have been asked for it early.

itsmecathycomehome · 28/08/2019 16:29

"At that point in time his lifestyle was much more lavish than ours. He owns two properties and retired at 50."

And that's what I mean really. Some of my friends have nice lifestyles but everything is planned and accounted for to fund the rest of their lives. Their children asked them for money and they said no, but now feel judged and guilty every time they book a holiday.