Is it reasonable to ask for help with a house deposit?

[pandapickle]

Years ago DH asked his father if there was any way he could help with a house deposit for us and now it is constantly getting chucked back in our faces.

For a bit of context, FIL had taken DH along (no reason he needed to be there) to a meeting at the bank where his Grandmother signed over a significant amount (6 figures) to FIL to help him with his property. I suspect FIL wanted DH there as an implication that 'it will all go to him someday'.

FIL is now painting us as money grabbing. We've never asked for anything before and always pay for our own lunch when we see them.

Is it bad to have asked?

Yes, it’s cheeky and very rude to ask for money.

But FIL was given that money. We don't know that he asked for it. Theres a difference.

It's interesting what PPs pick up on - I said my DF being appalled at me asking made me feel like I couldn't ask for help because people might take offence if I did (feeling unsafe in the emotional sense was perhaps the wrong word!). So my discomfort wasn't at being told I was rude or that the "help" I requested wasn't forthcoming, but that the very fact I asked was appalling (his words, not mine).

Now I'm a parent I would always hope my DC could ask for anything they feel they need. If I can give it freely, I will. If I can't (or don't want to), I'll explain why. So I ask again - for those who say it's unreasonable to ask - why? Because you don't like saying no? Because it's awkward for you? It might just be a personal, gut response. It just feels that way. Clearly that's how my DF felt. And perhaps OPs FIL.

I said 'accepted' not asked for. I still think there is something wrong in a family if you can't ask for help. Period.

Completely agree with @crappyday2018

If you can't ask parents, who can you ask? They can say no if they don't want to help or can't afford it. I'm always prepared to be asked.

Most parents will help if they can but not all have the money.

When my kids grow up, I hope to god they feel close enough to me to be able to ask for help. I'm also pretty confident that if I feel they are asking for help when they can easily help themselves, I'm the type of mother to tell them to bugger off without causing offence and then leave it at that!

I agree too. I’m rather taken aback by the number thinking it’s unreasonable to ask. I’m middle aged and my family members have always helped and supported each other where they can.

My dad is loaded and I would never ask for a penny. I’m from a big family and my parents have always talked about the need to be completely fair so I’d never ask for anything, especially not for contribution to a wedding or a house because if they gave it they’d feel they had to give equally to all of us. My parents are divorced and my mum has much less but has often offered with small things which I’ve nearly always declined with thanks as I know she’d feel the need to level it with my siblings.

Neither parent had help from their own parents, my dad spent years supporting his mum before she died at a huge cost. Dad has been very hard up, especially after the divorce, but is now enjoying his wealth and retirement and DH and I expect to work for everything we have.

I’m close with both my parents but the idea of going cap in hand makes me cringe!

I'm sure I read a statistic somewhere about the number of deposits for FTB's being funded fully or partially by parents. I think that says something about the state of the economy. Some people simply cannot get on the ladder these days without help from parents/family members. I most definitely would want to help my children where I could.

Yes, crappyday, most of us feel like that. It is very difficult for would-be first time buyers to get a deposit together, never mind all the other fees and the things that have to be purchased.

It's certainly not unreasonable to ask parents for help if they can afford it but, as someone above said, it is unreasonable to be miffed if they refuse.

"So I ask again - for those who say it's unreasonable to ask - why?"

Because it puts people in an awkward position if they say no.

I just can't imagine asking anyone, even my parents, for money unless it was for something vital.

I suppose it is a bit like your 8yo really really wanting a new toy. If you know he wants it, and can afford to buy it as a glorious surprise, you will. If he asks you to buy it, or tries to persuade you why you should buy it, or tries to justify how easily you could afford to buy it for him, it just feels wrong.

If you've got a close relationship then they know that you want to get married or buy a house, and will offer if they want to.

If you don't have a close relationship, then it's really a bit of a cheek to ask imo.

Borrowing is different. If you know they have readily available cash, and a plan for repayment, then ask away. But to ask for a cash gift is wrong I think.

itsmecathycomehome Agree 100%.
Also on an abstract level: you're helping to keep house prices artificially inflated. If 50% of people are running around getting cash handouts to help them get on the property ladder, then where does that leave the other 50%?
Sorry, got a bit of a bee in my bonnet about that one, thinking of this woman who's super right on and anti private school and yadda yadda yadda, but also got given 50k as a deposit for her house.

My dad is loaded and tbh i am hurt that he has never offered to help. So while he goes on the 7th holiday this year , i am struggling to find permanent employment. My fault apparently for not working hard enough.

What sort of help malificent? Just a general top-up of income until you find a job? Because that sounds quite open ended.

Also, are you close, and do you do nice things for him too?

How does he chuck it back in your face and paint you as money grabbing?

Gamma

You need the other thread

I know haha, reported it straight away!