Is it reasonable to ask for help with a house deposit?

[pandapickle]

Years ago DH asked his father if there was any way he could help with a house deposit for us and now it is constantly getting chucked back in our faces.

For a bit of context, FIL had taken DH along (no reason he needed to be there) to a meeting at the bank where his Grandmother signed over a significant amount (6 figures) to FIL to help him with his property. I suspect FIL wanted DH there as an implication that 'it will all go to him someday'.

FIL is now painting us as money grabbing. We've never asked for anything before and always pay for our own lunch when we see them.

Is it bad to have asked?

What flis said

YWBU to ask but he is being entirely unreasonable to keep bringing it up. I'd be tempted to tell him to fuck off and have nothing more to do with him.

"I think it really changed my perception of my DF and people in general - that it wasn't safe to ask for help."

Oh come on, you weren't drowning or in need of urgent private medical care.

That's the thing, no matter how many times people say differently, saying no causes offence.

I guess in your case, your hurt at him implying that you were rude matches his hurt at you putting him in that position.

And I know you thought an email would give him time to think, but I think the impersonal, almost business-like and transactional nature of an email was a mistake. It would have been better to ask in person, or not at all since he would have offered it to you already if he wanted to.

itsmecathycomehome - if FIL purely earned all that money himself of course it is his to enjoy. But he didn't earn it all himself, he took a huge amount from his Mother, and likely will again. Also, he has implied to his Mother that it will go to us while being very clear to us not to expect a penny. My example is maybe a bit muddied as to me FIL doesn't seem terribly honest.

I think it was very rude to ask. It’s not upto anyone else to fund your lifestyle choices.

It doesn’t matter how FIL got his money, it’s his not yours. I can see why he isn’t rushing to hand it over to you.

Unreasonable to ask, totally reasonable to offer

No of course not. It's the responsibility of older members of the family to help the younger ones, and this is DH's father!

FIL is a selfish old man!

I don't understand why it's bad to ask? Some families are very odd!

Ywnbu.
I feel sorry for all of the posters on this thread, who are obviously part of families that discourage asking each other for help.
DH will only inherit it anyway, what's the point in FIL being dead and unable to see where his money is going. People are bonkers, and he sounds a right grump bringing it up again - do you think he's just annoyed because you live far away from him?

As for the other poster who mentioned the deposit/house thing between siblings, that is even more crazy that parents would treat their children so unequally. The mind boggles.

I would never ask my parents for money. I think it is v unreasonable to do so. I am middle aged and I think my generation were brought up to believe you always stand on your own two feet , you made your bed etc etc.
I am not saying that is right but just how it was so it may be a generational thing .

Some people are just not “giving” in any way. They like their money to be for them. It’s reasonable to explain you don’t have the money and you cannot help because you need the money. If you don’t need all of it, many parents like to help and loan billions each year. The 10th biggest “mortgage” lender! So very many do help.

I think in the case above, it wasn’t for a first property. It was to get a bigger one. Maybe that was the problem?

This is our problem. I suspect OH's parents would be willing to help but do not want to ask and they've never offered.

Unfortunately it's not a case of 'funding a lifestyle' as one pp put it. It's literally about putting a secure roof over your head.

Did you ask for a loan or for the money as a gift? My SIL has taken plenty from MIL including her wedding and car payments. DH have never asked for anything as we think it's rude to ask. SIL even asked MIL to release half the equity on her property so she could pay deposit on her property. DH went apeshit as he believed that this should be kept to fund MIL future (sheltered housing, care etc). I think SIL is entitled and selfish but I think if one sibling is given money the others should be given the same, otherwise problems arise. I was sole carer of my DM but her will was split evenly among siblings.

If people have it and want to give it, they will offer.

Yes you were unreasonable to ask

You're saying he lives away and doesn't know much about your lives but you still think it's reasonable to ask for cash?

He’s basically factored all his mother’s money into his early retirement, I imagine.

But that aside I can see why someone with many years of retirement ahead of them(30-40 years) and a possible need for Care home fees etc needs to be careful with their capital.

Throwing it back in your face is horrible behaviour. Worse than saying ‘that won’t be possible but I will make sure you get an inheritance in my will’.

"It's the responsibility of older members of the family to help the younger ones"

I think this sounds so entitled.

My friends gave their ds a wonderful childhood, paid for a private education, give generous gifts to their grandchildren, babysit regularly, look after their gc for up to a week at a time so that the parents can go on holiday, insured him on their car when he had a problem with his and are just generally lovely and kind.

But now it's their responsibility to give him
£££ for a bigger house too? Not something they could choose to do if they find themselves in a position to do so, but their actual responsibility?

And because they said no they have to feel embarrassed every time they spend money on something non-essential.

As pp said, perhaps it is generational or perhaps some won't know how it feels until they're the ones being asked.

There is a difference between offering a voluntary gift, and being asked for money imo.

But in OP's case fil is certainly wrong to keep mentioning it. Did you follow his suggestion to ask your own parents?

I think he is selfish and he really rubbed DH’s face in it in bringing him along to a meeting whereby FIL was given a lot of money by his own mother (it’s a very “I’m alright, Jack” attitude). If he brings it up again, maybe ask whose idea it was that he received all that money from his mother, and did she expect that some of it was to be given to DH?

I do think some people need to remember people now need their savings in case they need care. If you'd received money for a house or whatever and the people who gave it to you ended up needing it for care would you be prepared to care for them?

I think it really changed my perception of my DF and people in general - that it wasn't safe to ask for help Saying it wasn't "safe" to ask for help seems dramatic. It's the use of the word safe I think. Especially as it was money for savings rather than because you had no money to pay rent or something. He gave your sister money as she got married.
My parents gave my sister 10k for her first house, lovely! Me and my other sister got nothing because they'd split. It never crossed my mind to think I should receive the same anyway. But I could go and have gone to my parents when I've needed genuine help. Such as for emotional help one of the times I was raped. Or when I became a single parent - they both offered for me and my son to stay (which I did a few times for weekends etc when things got a bit much) or even move in if I'd needed it. Just because someone can't or doesn't want to give you money doesn't mean they can't help in more important (imo) ways.

However, in OP situation the fil sounds weird!

I don't think it is wrong to ask if you know your parents are in a position to easily afford to help without compromising their own financial security, especially in your situation where you knew that FIL has already benefited from money being passed down the generations.

You obviously need to word your request in a way that gives your parents the option of saying no without feeling terribly guilty.

Sounds like your FIL is being a knob. Can you afford to offer to pay back the money in order to shut him up?

Something about asking just doesn't feel right to me to be honest. I would never ask my parents and they wouldn't expect me to. It just feels a bit cheeky. I guess it's that I feel like they gave you everything they would up until 18 to try and give you a good start, and then it's your call as to what you do with that.

So FIL accepts money from another family member to help with a property but OP is unreasonable for asking him for help. what??
You've done nothing wrong here OP. I was brought up in the type of family that are close enough to be able to ask for help and be able to decline without offending.
Were you asking for a loan? If so, I don't see the problem. If you were expecting him just to give you some money then that maybe slightly different but I think his behaviour is disgusting tbh.