Do mummy's boys ever change?

[MG08]

I swear my husband thinks he's married to his mother. It's always been a relationship that has made me feel slightly uncomfortable but its getting a bit much now.

His mother has been verbally abusive to me and made threats regarding her son ever being made upset by me, he was standing in the room at the time and didn't say a word, even when she told me to shut up, in fact he just stood there crying and then told me to apologise.

She has ruined so many occasions but he never says anything to her, instead he moans a little bit about the situation to me and then carries on happy families once he's gotten over it after a few days. He was upset with her behaviour once regarding our daughters 1st birthday party and didn't speak to her for a couple of weeks, but then he told her that he missed her so much and that was that, he was over it and she knew she could always do as she pleased.

I have no relationship with her now as I needed to cut all ties for my own happiness. My husband takes our daughter to see his parents on his own. He went there recently and they appear to have had a little cosy chat about things, me I assume, and she has said she will always be there for him. I'm not sure how it always gets turned around so that I become the problem. They way they talk is like I've had an affair and they're trying to support him through life with his horrible wife, when in fact he gets his dinner cooked for him every night, clothes washed, house cleaned, daughter cared for so all he ever has to do is the fun parenting. He doesnt realise how easy he has it.

Now given this current situation is due to how she has treated me so badly in the past and I had had enough so confronted her about it and she completely kicked off, denying any of her behaviour and shouting abuse at me, my husband continuously tells me he's unhappy, with our marriage I assume. He doesn't communicate with me, I tell him certain things upset me and he literally doesn't even respond.

My mum looks after our daughter when I go to work and if I see her on my days off I have to lie to my husband because he gets the hump that I've seen her again, he thinks his parents have to have the exact same amount of contact as mine , regardless of the things they have done, and the fact they have made this situation for themselves.

I don't think I can live like this any longer. He hasn't matured and is very much still a boy who wants his mummy, I mean he even calls her mummy on texts which makes me shudder. I always thought things would change when we got engaged, moved in with each other, got married, had a baby, but now I've run out of life events to depend on and think I need to accept that his mum will always be his number one and I cannot live like this. We have no intimacy anymore, he doesn't ever tell me he loves me and never kisses me goodbye.

Does anyone have any advice on whether they were in a similar situation with a mummy's boy and it did all work out or whether they left and their life was better for it? I'm finding his behaviour embarrassing and humiliating now.

don't think I can live like this any longer. He hasn't matured and is very much still a boy who wants his mummy

With respect you did say this

when in fact he gets his dinner cooked for him every night, clothes washed, house cleaned, daughter cared for so all he ever has to do is the fun parenting. He doesnt realise how easy he has it

The answer is staring you in the face. You are not in competition with her.

This who he was, is and probably always will be. Marrying a man who is emotionally dependent on another woman was never going to end well.

You sleepwalked right into this. So now you’re awake, what are you going to do about it?

How you’ve maintained an attraction to this man is impressive.

What is the father like?

Give him a 50 /50 life.
Chores /childcare /responsibility of his own life.
You have given him another dm!!
You!!

You poor lass, it sounds awful and you have been patient.

He won't change op, and it's a damn shame you didn't heed the red flags that were waving in your face before you married him. You're married to a man child, take it or leave it. Those are your only options.

I know I haven't helped myself by doing everything for him but it doesn't get done otherwise.

His father doesn't do anything around the home, he works and his wife stayed at home, that's what his childhood was. Its all males in their family too, the only females and his nan and his mum and no one would dare do anything to upset either of them.

Before we had our daughter I worked full time and was the breadwinner and I still did everything. I'm part time now and I think he believes that on my days off I lounge around, but it's hard work with a toddler and some days he doesn't even do anything at work and he still comes home and sits around.

So instead of finding a reasonable partner, you moved in, married and had a child with a wanker hoping that he’d change. No sympathy for anyone in this situation. Leave him

Nope they don't change. Ex left 2 weeks ago tomorrow straight back into mummy's pocket. I was naive to think he'd change and wasted 6 years of my life on him.

Would you give marriage counseling a go? Commit to a few sessions to try help him understand how he's behaving and how this affects you. My DH/manchild/Mummy's boy finally "got it" a little bit when it was spelt out by a 3rd party (counselor) didn't change him mind you, but finally he stopped suggesting it was all in my head.

Use the time it takes to go through the counseling process to get your ducks in a row (financially for example if needs be) in case the counseling does not work and you do end up separating

I'm afraid they don't ever really change.
I too ignored the many red flags as I assumed that he'd mature along the way but no, Mummy dear has well and truly conditioned him and I'm having to accept how things are but don't expect that we will have a particularly lengthy marriage!

I feel for you op, ignore such 'helpful' posters like Raphael34, such a lack of empathy clearly demonstrates unhappiness.

I am divorced from a man child. Initially I blamed the mother but I realised it was him. She caused a wedge but he is the one who allowed it, enabled it-most of all I think because it suited him himself. I also thought maybe after buying a house, then the birth of my first child, then the second. Nothing changed. He actually didn't show any signs before marriage but literally the day after we came back from honeymoon it all changed. Life is hard now but less so than the daily frustration and upset that I had with him. She always came first up until the day we divorced. Even a separation didn't jolt him into changing.

I was married to one for 10 years and he didn't change. Never lifted a finger. He was the only boy in a house of girls and was brought up to believe that women looked after men. Finally left the bastard and now he tries to have our daughter run round after him while she's there. Men like that don't change.

Thank you for your advise. I've only ever been with him and I guess I was too scared to end things earlier on, he always told me he would change and I genuinely thought all these life events would make me mean something to him. I had a traumatic birth and thought that would make him respect me but he still brought his mum round within hours of us getting home when I'd not slept for 2 days and had needed surgery.

I don't think our relationship can work anymore, I agree with you Ididit2019, I always blamed his mum but now I can see all these has happened because he hasn't ever done anything about it.

I don't know what to do, the thought of separating and having to share my daughter is too painful to even think about. I know that's not a good reason to stay but I find it so difficult being without her.

I don't think he'd go to counselling, or he would and he'd just sit there not saying anything then go and tell his mum about it and she'd say don't let your horrible wife make you do it anymore my darling boy.

He told her about an argument we had one and she said she wanted to come and bring him back home. Despite his home being where he currently was and has been for the last 3 years, and that home also including his wife and child but she wanted him.

This is well worth a read community.babycenter.com/post/a62791180/mil-ruining-vacay-541

Men like this don't change, at least not without realising their enmeshment is unhealthy and getting therapy.

He will never ever be in a happy and fulfilled relationship because what woman would put up with this?? His mother has failed him as she won't be around forever and then he will be on his own, it's very selfish of her but also very foolish of him.

Thank you bluetue I'll have a read.

His uncles age 50 still live with his nan and share a bedroom, despite there being a spare one. They have never been in a relationship, well one has but when she wanted it to get more serious in terms of future marriage etc they split up and are now just friends because he didn't want that. I think MIL knows this can be a possibility for her sons as its normal life for her brothers. If we split up he would just slot straight back into their home, have her tuck him in and wash his pants.

So he doesn't see the issue with living at home with mummy into adulthood because it's the norm in his family.

Perhaps a lot of parents would love their kids to stay kids forever, but normal parents know this isn't healthy as ultimately they won't be around forever so their children need to be able to form their own healthy relationships. Really I think in these scenarios she is in the wrong and this is a failure on his parents part in not producing an independent adult.

You really ought to spell this out to him, as it may not have occurred to him before. His response will tell you all you need to know.

Not being with my children all the time was a big factor in not splitting earlier but soon it was too big a price to pay as life became unbearable. But before I took those steps I tried everything-counselling, moving further away, employing different communication tactics, exposing him to healthier family units where husbands had cut the apron strings! For the sake of you and your child try different things so if you do ultimately decide it is over you know in your heart and mind you tried everything and it was him who left you with little choice due to the choices he made if he doesn't make the change.

His mum has a lot to answer for but it sounds like you pretty much took on her role, perpetuating the unhealthy dynamic.

Thank you, bluetue, I think he knows it's not normal but as it's his family it's normal for them if you know want I mean. I've said to him before that his mum wants him with her and he just said I know.

I'm sorry you had to go through all of that Ididit2019. He sees my brother and sister in laws marriage, my brother is an independent man and does equal shares of housework and parenting, even though my SIL works 2 days a week and he works 5 she will still have lie ins at the weekend and he'll make dinner etc. He always stands up for his wife, whether or not they always agree is unknown, to us it is perceived that they are a strong team and that's how it should be to outsiders. My husband sees this but I honestly don't think he would even think about how that's a different relationship to ours or that he should change. His colleagues aren't married apart from one, and all my husband does is moan about how he says he's cooking for his wife or taking her out or buying her this and that. He doesn't have any friends either so doesn't hear people speak about their marriages and wives.

We live down the road from his parents, I find it suffocating at the moment and even going to the shops causes me to panic in case I see them. I would like to move elsewhere in the country, 200 miles away, if we separated can he stop me?

I would like to try counselling but I honestly don't think he would speak, and I'm worried about the counsellor telling me to make an effort with his parents when I am more than done and cannot have them in my life.

If there's any chance of you moving now take it. Otherwise I'm afraid you will find moving after divorce next to impossible.

I'll also just add that although its frustrating to do all the housework and childcare, that isn't my issue. If that was the issue I'd stop doing stuff and tell him to get on with it. My issue is that his mum can do all these things to me and his loyalty is with her. If I stopped doing things for him I don't think that would make that side of things change?

My dad wants to speak to him as when he asked him if he could marry me, my dad spoke about his mothers treatment of me and told my husband he had to put me first etc and my husband made promises to him. It may be old fashioned but my dad wants to speak to him about the promises he hasn't kept because if he'd have known that he wouldn't have given permission.

If he would just run back to mummy does that mean you get to stay where you are? Can you go back full time and pay the rent/mortgage. If he doesn’t contribute to housework, you have no sex life and his mummy is no 1 would it really make a difference if he left. My dh is a mummy’s boy but his mum lives abroad so I don’t see it much and I don’t do everything for him as I just tell him he has the same two hands I do.

Your situation sounds so similar to mine op. From the standing there and taking the mothers side and making me apologise to my ex having no friends either. I realise now it was actually a result of his mother's control and his dependency on her that he couldn't forge healthy relationships. These men only change if they want to but often instead of having their eyes opened they choose to blame their wives instead. They erode your respect and love for them through their actions. I would start pointing out how she is making his life difficult and the impact it is having on his present and future. At the moment her voice is the one he hears. Maybe that will change if he starts to see how his life is becoming damaged as a result

I imagine I would stay in our home and he'd go back to his parents. I already pay our mortgage in full now and he pays all the bills. But I couldn't live that close to him if we were separated and I would have to move. My parents have said they would support me until I was settled. Can he stop me moving far away before a divorce? I am a bit naive and don't really understand these things.

He really can't see what she is doing, I've said many times but he still always blames me.

I will say he's made thinking about leaving easier as we don't have much of a relationship and I know what its like to do it all myself at home, in fact there would be less work.

I do love him and I would miss him dearly but I do wonder if this is it, is this my life for the next however many years, I want more than this. I also feel more reassured in the fact that he's pushed me away.