Do mummy's boys ever change?

[MG08]

I swear my husband thinks he's married to his mother. It's always been a relationship that has made me feel slightly uncomfortable but its getting a bit much now.

His mother has been verbally abusive to me and made threats regarding her son ever being made upset by me, he was standing in the room at the time and didn't say a word, even when she told me to shut up, in fact he just stood there crying and then told me to apologise.

She has ruined so many occasions but he never says anything to her, instead he moans a little bit about the situation to me and then carries on happy families once he's gotten over it after a few days. He was upset with her behaviour once regarding our daughters 1st birthday party and didn't speak to her for a couple of weeks, but then he told her that he missed her so much and that was that, he was over it and she knew she could always do as she pleased.

I have no relationship with her now as I needed to cut all ties for my own happiness. My husband takes our daughter to see his parents on his own. He went there recently and they appear to have had a little cosy chat about things, me I assume, and she has said she will always be there for him. I'm not sure how it always gets turned around so that I become the problem. They way they talk is like I've had an affair and they're trying to support him through life with his horrible wife, when in fact he gets his dinner cooked for him every night, clothes washed, house cleaned, daughter cared for so all he ever has to do is the fun parenting. He doesnt realise how easy he has it.

Now given this current situation is due to how she has treated me so badly in the past and I had had enough so confronted her about it and she completely kicked off, denying any of her behaviour and shouting abuse at me, my husband continuously tells me he's unhappy, with our marriage I assume. He doesn't communicate with me, I tell him certain things upset me and he literally doesn't even respond.

My mum looks after our daughter when I go to work and if I see her on my days off I have to lie to my husband because he gets the hump that I've seen her again, he thinks his parents have to have the exact same amount of contact as mine , regardless of the things they have done, and the fact they have made this situation for themselves.

I don't think I can live like this any longer. He hasn't matured and is very much still a boy who wants his mummy, I mean he even calls her mummy on texts which makes me shudder. I always thought things would change when we got engaged, moved in with each other, got married, had a baby, but now I've run out of life events to depend on and think I need to accept that his mum will always be his number one and I cannot live like this. We have no intimacy anymore, he doesn't ever tell me he loves me and never kisses me goodbye.

Does anyone have any advice on whether they were in a similar situation with a mummy's boy and it did all work out or whether they left and their life was better for it? I'm finding his behaviour embarrassing and humiliating now.

My ex was the same, 18 years I put up with it - won't change. He's been living back with mummy for 3 years

OP the housework divide etc is really irrelevant as you can't do right here. If you stop doing this it will be oh look how useless your wife is can't even cook and clean for you. Again making her look the better woman (bullshit but now those family has been conditioned like you said)

I think you need to tell him in no uncertain terms that the relationship isnunhealthy, and his actions such as not sticking up for you just demonstrate this. You as his wife need to come first and if he cannot do that then you will find someone who will (or be better off alone in any case)

Ask him what he intends upon doing when his mother has passed away and he has no relationships or support. Tell him you wish to move further away and see what his reaction is. It is normal for people to live more than 5 mins away from their parents.

A councillor would not tell you to attempt a relationship with someone who has told you to shut up and been verbally abusive to you, they may be able to make him realise how unhealthy this all is.

H’s primary emotional relationship is with his mother. Their codependency is not going to change. This dysfunctional pattern was set decades ago. To break it would take an intense desire to change, much self-awareness, and individual therapy to strengthen his boundaries and learn new, positive coping strategies.

I would not spend the rest of my life doing the pick-me-dance. His enmeshment with mummy will always grind you down. Do you want to expose your daughter to this unhealthy relationship model?

You really do deserve a relationship where you are always #1.

Thank you both, I really appreciate your replies. I am definitely thinking of my daughter in this situation, as you say I don't want her to grow up thinking this is the norm and to settle for the same. You're hitting the nail on the head there MsDogLady, I have been doing the pick me dance since we got together, and I've realised I'm embarrassing myself. I wish he would have some sort of therapy but he never would and I don't think he'll ever see a problem with their relationship, he's got her unconditional love and she won't nag him to do his fair share, she'll always be on his side and tell him how amazing he is, life is easy with her.

I agree Bluetue, if I started not doing things for him around the home it would be used against me. She already tells him he's lost weight and before we lived together she would make him go home after he'd stayed over so she could do his breakfast (again it's only now I realise he was at fault for actually going!).

He knows I would like to move, he was looking at houses and jobs etc in the area too at first, but then that fizzled out. We're going on holiday to the area next week, unfortunate timing as a holiday is actually the last thing I want right now as it'll feel awkward, but maybe I can mention again about wanting to live there so he can't say it's come from nowhere.

I hope that would be the case with a counsellor but again I do think he would think they were in the wrong for telling him such things because he doesn't see a problem with their relationship and can't betray his precious mummy. Maybe its worth trying though just to see, but I think he'd shut down, he can't even speak to me about things.

Thanks again for all your help. It's making me see how things really are and that a future without all this may be better in the long run. I just don't want to fail my daughter.

They don't change sadly. My ex moved his mum in twice and in that time she treated me like a slave and stole from me. Before she moved in she used to call him up begging for money (she was a teacher working full time) at the time we were both min wage and I remember coming home finding him in tears stressing about money he was giving her.

They moved out 5 years ago and last I heard still live together. He's now not got a job and isolated from all his friends. She meanwhile is like the cat who got the cream. It's pretty creepy to be honest.

Good luck OP.

I'll also just add that although its frustrating to do all the housework and childcare, that isn't my issue.

It certainly is, you’re perpetuating a dynamic that you rail against and that you blame his mother for. You don’t need his permission to have equality in your marriage.

Of course his Mum lives down the road. Explain the thought process that led you to make a series of decisions that were never in your interests? You married a future version of him that never was going to exist.

His views and behaviour is very entrenched and he shows no sign of changing. Your options are, accept it or move on. You could move but he would be entitled to challenge it if you planned to move so far away.

It’s hard to see how he’s going to change: he’s stood back while his mum has been abusive to you and all the normal adult milestones haven’t made him any different. He’s prioritising his mum above you and nothing seems to change that.

Just think about your daughter for a minute. She's a baby now, but how will it be for her when she's twenty, if you stay together? Watching her father alwasy defer to his mother, watching her mum always being second best, igored, ridden over.

She may well grow up thinking this is how relationships are, and then sleep walk into a very similar one herself, because 'that's how men are'.

You don't want that for her. You don't even want it for you. He won't change. My XH was very attached to his mother, because she'd moulded him to be that way - he'd leave me caring for our five kids alone, so he could pop over and do some little jobs for her...

Urgh, the sound of him makes my skin crawl.

Send him home to Mummy!

Sounds like you're pretty much a single parent already; crack on and stop worrying about what his Mother thinks about you. You're already doing everything yourself (I have no idea why) so it won't be any more work; if anything it will be less as you won't have to look after him.

Thanks for all your replies, there's certainly a lot for me to think about. He's all I've ever know and it's a scary thought being without him, but I think I've reached my limit.

Imagine your dd growing up to think she needs to be like you in a relationship. The servant girl effectively...

Whose idea was it to live so close to his parents?

I don't see it changing either without a lot of therapy. It is deeply ingrained in him and his mum is still meddling.

I don't know if you can get him to a few sessions and maybe the therapist can't wake him up?

Not in my experience. Find someone who has actually grown up and acts like an adult!

We both decided to live here, my parents live in the same place too but slightly further and I'm an independent adult so it doesn't make a difference to me whether they were close or not. We both grew up here and wanted to stay but I regret it now. His mum has major issues when I said they couldn't just turn up here and had to call beforehand, this was one of the reasons for an argument because they have an open door policy so we should too. She really couldn't understand why I wouldn't want them just turning up. Of course the day she shouted abuse at me was when they had just turned up unannounced but my husband let them in the came and told me they were downstairs and wanted a chat with me!

I need to get our holiday out the way and then have a serious think about my future. It's so difficult, because it's always been like this is feels like we'd just always be together, no matter what. I would be lost without him, but I'm not sure he'd beg me to stay either, he'd probably have happy visions of living back with mummy and daddy if I told him it was over.

You need to move on from him - he’s no great catch is he. Tied to mummies apron strings. How odd - is his father around@?
I’d cut my loses with him - he’s not going to change at all - he’s ball less - how unattractive.
He puts her first - could you move in with your parents or tell him you need a break.
Re moving away I’d ask a solicitor for advice on this. If you stayed local the usual access is every other weekend an a night in the week.
Would be facilitate that.
I hope you have friends in real life. Rally them round.

His dad is around, and also under the thumb of my MIL.

If we had a break I would ask him to leave as all my daughters stuff is here.

I couldn't have her go away for a night, I really couldn't deal with that. I mean she doesn't sleep anyway and my husband can only try and settle her for about 5 minutes before he gets fed up and I go in, but I think spending a night without her would break me.

I know how you feel op, I was the same and put up with so much until I was at the end of my tether. I thought he would be happy to go back home so was pleasantly surprised when he cried and fought for us and so gave him another chance. It lasted a matter of weeks. That's why I say exhaust every possibility so you don't spend the next 5 years in limbo thinking perhaps things will change but will know either way whether he has potential to change or like another poster said his behaviour is entrenched and so if you walk away you don't waste the next 5 or so years like this. These kind of people have been indoctrinated from an early age and their loyalty/dependence unhealthily developed to their mothers/family. Their wives are the outsiders for them as absurd as it is to fathom.

I’d like to hear the other side of story here. On the face of it though, he ain’t going to change

What other side?
This pretty cut and dried!

OP - sometimes they can change if they can embrace the fact that this is not normal.
Would he do some reading?
If so, get him google FOG - fear obligation guilt.

Also get him to read some books from Amazon - in their search section type 'sons of narcissistic mothers'
If he won't do any reading then I'm afraid this is going to be like flogging a dead horse.

Honestly!? I'd cut and run.

Thank you all. I'm the same in the sense that I don't want to waste time seeing if he'll change, he's been telling me he will for the last 9 years. I definitely feel like the outsider. Sorry you had to go through it too Ididit2019.

The other side would be "There's nothing wrong with my relationship with my mother and you need to love her as much as I do so that I am happy".

Thank you hellsbellsmelons, I don't think he'd do any reading, 1 because he wouldn't read any of the pregnancy books/articles when I was expecting and 2 because he doesn't think there is a problem with their relationship. It might help me though so I'll take a look, thanks so much.

Does anyone know about Grandparents right when you seperate, would their contact just be when my husband had her? They wouldn't be entitled to time on top of that would they? And what if my husband wants to see our daughter every day?

Grandparents have no rights and they are not entitled in anyway to visitation. They would be able to see her If your husband took her for a visit.

Thank you, that's reassuring.

Your MIL is a red herring. You married a selfish man. If you didn't do the housework it wouldn't get done you say. Lazy shit of a man with no respect for you. That's your problem. MIL could drop dead tomorrow, or he could cut her off, and you'd still have a husband who would happily leave all the shitwork to you. Bollocks to that. Divorce the selfish bastard. At least with MIL babying him same as you do, you won't have to worry about where he'll live and whether the children will have their pants washed by someone on his contact time.

I’m really interested to know where you are at with this relationship at the moment? I am in the exact same position right now and just had our first therapy session today which opened my eyes to how bad things really are. Where are you now 2 years down the line?