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Original poster

Being made to feel inadequate during sex - possible TMI

52 replies

Msgiggles30 · 26/08/2019 11:00

Hi I havent really got anyone to talk to about this in real life and just need to get it off my chest as feeling upset.

Last night I was having sex with my partner (this is not my boyfriend but an on off casual sex partner of 6 years) and he was a bit drunk - he doesnt normally drink much. He was struggling to hold his erection but seemed to be putting his frustration onto me. Things like getting annoyed when I couldnt get into the position he wanted, even saying try not to crush me! And also whilst giving him oral he was just telling me exactly what to do the whole duration of it and saying certain things just feel numb.

So obviously I am feeling upset now. Hes not been like this before, he is dominant and will tell me how to move etc but never like this totally critical way before. I dont want to get into an emotional conversation with him over one time as we arent in that type of relationship but also this has made me not want to continue. Am I over reacting? Is this his problem not mine? Feeling really rubbish but know ile probably be fine tomorrow once I stop replaying

OP posts:
ravenmum · 26/08/2019 11:06

If you don't like it, don't do it again. You don't even need to have a conversation about it, if you don't want to. Just say you don't want to meet up any more.

TheStuffedPenguin · 26/08/2019 11:08

On off casual sex for 6 years - is this really what you want out of life?

LittleMy20 · 26/08/2019 11:09

Get away from
Him.

Original poster
Msgiggles30 · 26/08/2019 11:14

No it's not what I want at all really but I just keep falling back into it - there have been breaks of over 6 months etc but never meet anyone else. Weve known each other since I was 16 and I'm 30 now so guess it's just been a comfortable thing. I think this should be what spurs me on to stop it as clearly he doesnt even have a basic level of care for me Blush. I didnt know if I was being dramatic because it's not been like that before but he was pushing his issue of being too drunk onto me I feel and I already have misgivings about being boring so that's not helpful

OP posts:
SpuriouserAndSpuriouser · 26/08/2019 11:19

The fact that sex with him makes you feel rubbish is a huge red flag. He’s making you miserable and there is nothing tying you to him, so just walk away. You deserve better!

Ellabella989 · 26/08/2019 11:20

He sounds awful!
Step away from him and see how much he cares when sex isn’t on the cards. I bet he’ll get hostile and then just stop contacting you. You deserve a lot better from someone who truly values you

TheStuffedPenguin · 26/08/2019 11:20

What do you want out of life ? A committed partner ? A family ?

FaithInfinity · 26/08/2019 11:21

This is not a healthy relationship. You should be with someone who builds you up, not knocks you down! It’s not going to change if he’s been domineering throughout and is starting to get worse now. I would honestly walk away, block and delete. You say you never meet anyone else but equally you keep falling back in with this guy.

I had a year where I didn’t date before I met DH. I needed some time to myself, had counselling to work on self-esteem issues so when I met him I was happy in myself which meant our relationship was much easier. I would strongly advise you take some time for yourself too.

Confusedbeetle · 26/08/2019 11:21

The best sex happens in a good loving relationship. You have no relationship with this man and the sex is bad. No one should ever ever comment or critisise somenone else in this way. There is nothing in it for you. He doesnt care for you or you him. What is the point?

Original poster
Msgiggles30 · 26/08/2019 11:22

Sorry I dont know how to directly reply to people. It never used to make me feel miserable, it used to make me feel confident and I enjoyed being pushed out of my comfort zone. But yesterday definitely did and I guess theres probably been a few other times too on a much subtler level maybe. I feel stupid at 30 which is why I dont want to bring this up in real life too although all my friends know the situation but not any details x

OP posts:
Jennifer2r · 26/08/2019 11:25

You should be able to have an 'emotional' conversation with even the most casual of sex partners.

You should be able to say

'I feel like..'
'I didn't like..'
'I'd prefer it if you didnt..'

Trust me I'm the queen of casual sex (through choice) and I wouldn't let anyone in my bed who was scared of me using language like that.

Walkamileinmyshoes · 26/08/2019 11:25

Jesus, he had erectile dysfunction- presumably because of the alcohol - and he blamed YOU?

It suited you for a while, but it doesn’t suit you anymore, so end it.

I have to ask - is he married? Why so on/off?

actuallyquitesmall · 26/08/2019 11:30

Just stop.

He clearly only uses you for one thing, and you aren't enjoying it. What possible reason could there be for carrying on with this? He doesn't love you, he doesn't even seem to care about you. All he wants is for you to 'service' his needs.

cacklingmags · 26/08/2019 11:37

Sounds nasty.

Original poster
Msgiggles30 · 26/08/2019 11:38

To answer a few questions - yes I want to settle down I have done the online dating thing etc to no avail. I have a good career, lots of freinds and a great family. I actually have pretty high self esteem but not when it comes to this - no idea why but have own issues about lack of experience.

No hes not married hes a commitment phobe I feel. He had a long term girlfriend but she cheated multiple times and was a bit abusive - I know this to be true I've also known her since teens.

The sex is not bad it's pretty good most times and we get on well. I will say when I dont like something but yesterday took me by surprise. However it is a red flag and tells me a lot about him and what I've known for a while which is it does really need to stop.

Thanks all for these responses it's what I need to hear

OP posts:
AlRehab · 26/08/2019 11:38

Cut him off. If he doesn’t make you feel good about yourself, it’s not worth it. You’re not a sex doll. He sounds inadequate and a bit pathetic. Bin him off.

Duchessgummybuns · 26/08/2019 11:41

I’d tell him I didn’t want to have sex with him anymore and if he asked why tell him because he couldn’t keep it up last time, but then I’m feeling particularly savage today. How dare he make you feel bad for it though.

OnlineAlienator · 26/08/2019 11:45

"When the fun stops, stop"

He blew it. Find someone better, casual sex is for enjoyment!!

TheStuffedPenguin · 26/08/2019 11:49

While you are still having sex with him then you are not open to online dating properly . Been there myself.

KUGA · 26/08/2019 11:51

What are you doing to yourself ?.
Hes a fkng user and your allowing him to use you. Hes treating you like an unpaid prostitute.
Dont have anything to do with him and get your self respect. Sorry if I sound harsh but thats how I feel.

Nanna50 · 26/08/2019 11:55

So he couldn’t keep a hard on because he was drunk and blamed you? You don’t need to explain why you don’t want to go there again, just don’t. You should be able to have a conversation with someone you have been having sex with for 6 years you should also be able to stop and say I’m not enjoying this.

Original poster
Msgiggles30 · 26/08/2019 11:55

I think you're right..I'm clinging onto something that's not right becasue it's easy and fits into my busy life. At one time I had feelings for him but for the last 2 years I've been feeling more annoyed by him and more and more that I want a proper relationship but in no way from him. Think this is the nail in the coffin that I need 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
SonataDentata · 26/08/2019 11:56

I really feel for you. I’ve found myself being drawn back into situations like this over the years, as dating (and being celibate while looking for someone) has never worked for me. Having a very sex drive is absolute torture. No advice but he does sound horrid and I sympathise Flowers

SonataDentata · 26/08/2019 11:57

*very high sex drive

Ginkypig · 26/08/2019 11:57

This isn't about the emotional element (although you should make sure you are actually ok and are really happy with a casual thing but only you can decide that, have a proper think about it and if you are then great but if not at least you know now) it's about basic respect for your sexual partner and fellow human being

You are absolutely within your rights to tell him you treated me like crap last night, you were pissed and behaved like a rude and nasty guy last night I'd say like a fucking arsehole towards me I deserved better than that and you having a drink was no excuse to treat anyone like that, Iv no interest in continuing any type of contact with you.

Don't contact me again. I expect at the very least basic respect from the people I sleep with and you blew it big time so don't bother calling again.

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