Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Being made to feel inadequate during sex - possible TMI

52 replies

Msgiggles30 · 26/08/2019 11:00

Hi I havent really got anyone to talk to about this in real life and just need to get it off my chest as feeling upset.

Last night I was having sex with my partner (this is not my boyfriend but an on off casual sex partner of 6 years) and he was a bit drunk - he doesnt normally drink much. He was struggling to hold his erection but seemed to be putting his frustration onto me. Things like getting annoyed when I couldnt get into the position he wanted, even saying try not to crush me! And also whilst giving him oral he was just telling me exactly what to do the whole duration of it and saying certain things just feel numb.

So obviously I am feeling upset now. Hes not been like this before, he is dominant and will tell me how to move etc but never like this totally critical way before. I dont want to get into an emotional conversation with him over one time as we arent in that type of relationship but also this has made me not want to continue. Am I over reacting? Is this his problem not mine? Feeling really rubbish but know ile probably be fine tomorrow once I stop replaying

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 26/08/2019 11:58

Clearly he couldn't keep his erection because of the drink, was probably embarrassed and wanted to make out it was your fault. He sounds charming. If he isn't even a b/f then I'd be cutting him loose, asshole

ScreamingLadySutch · 26/08/2019 11:59

"but for the last 2 years I've been feeling more annoyed by him and more and more that I want a proper relationship but in no way from him. "

YESSSS! That is the real you talking, not the self doubter. Now, listen to her, she is MIGHTY.

You deserve to be loved, OP, because you are loveable.

Original poster
Msgiggles30 · 26/08/2019 12:02

That's a good message Ginky pig I feel like I'm just going to leave it and delete his number but if he contacts me that will be my repsonse.

I dont mind people being harsh, I'm actually quite harsh myself and dont take this in my daily life so I really dont know why I do if to myself with him. I dont feel like an unpaid prostitute or such like because I contact him for it just as much as he does to me and I'm not at his becking call I will say no to going over etc if not feeling it; but it has gone on way too long in this manor and I'm not getting much out of it the last year.

OP posts:
Original poster
Msgiggles30 · 26/08/2019 12:04

*manner!

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 26/08/2019 12:16

Casual sex can be great if you’re both respectful of each other.

He isn’t respectful of you.

If you do want to carry on casual sex whilst looking for a longer term partner, find a nicer person to do it with.

WinterHare · 26/08/2019 12:17

Great message from @Ginkypig

I've been in a similar situation in the past OP and like you, something didn't sit right for a few years and then it just stared me in the face and I knew I had to end it, it wasn't fun anymore and I felt used and taken for granted.

His erection problems last night were not your fault and his lack of sensitivity would have pushed me over the edge.

GilbertMarkham · 26/08/2019 12:26

He's lucky he's had a woman willing to have sex with him regularly without strings for years.
Plenty of men pay for that.

Yet he can't even limit his drinking so he can keep a hard on (actually I always found even if a drunk.man keep a hard on drunk, he could bang away (or be sucked) for eons without climaxing, which is uncomfortable, boring and shit.

Giving you undiplomatic instructions and complaining - again, maybe if he's paid you - otherwise, fuck off.

If you're going to have casual sex with someone, may as well find someone who can keep it up, makes an effort, is appreciative, not critical, doesn't get drunk beforehand, and if they have any suggestions, can express them diplomatically.

But it sounds like maybe you should trying someone for a relationship anyway. Online dating us very very tough. Try activities, hobbies etc.

GilbertMarkham · 26/08/2019 12:27

*trying to meet someone

Treesthemovie · 26/08/2019 12:43

So you have had feeling for him in the past, are you sure you don't still have some sort of feelings for him, six years is a very long time to have a casual arrangement with someone and you don't seem casual about cutting him off after he was a wanker.

Elieza · 26/08/2019 12:48

You’re right to let this one go. He’s not a catch. He suited you in the past. No more.
And of course he blamed an embarrassing erection issue on you. I mean there’s no way that could be his fault could it do it must be yours.
Drunken idiot.
You deserve better than him. Value yourself and move on.

ravenmum · 26/08/2019 13:27

As you mention feeling boring, do you think you call him because you fancy sex with him, or because you want to "prove" that you are not boring / inexperienced?

SignedUpJust4This · 26/08/2019 16:04

You are just a series of holes to him. He has no respect for you. And he's shit in the sack. Easiest decision ever.

BaloneyBar · 26/08/2019 16:32

Things like getting annoyed when I couldnt get into the position he wanted, even saying try not to crush me!

What an absolute, unutterably unpleasant and nasty creep and cretin. A porn-hound no doubt, who treats you like an inanimate object.

Honestly, tell him to go fuck himself.

31RueCambon75001 · 26/08/2019 16:34

hmm, on off (bad) casual sex for SIX YEARS with a man who sounds like a grumpy blamer............ This HAS to be eroding your self-confidence!

31RueCambon75001 · 26/08/2019 16:38

@TheStuffedPenguin I agree with what you say, OP won't / can't be fully open to making new connections when this is going on.

I had a boyfriend years ago who wouldn't call himself a boyfriend so I continued to OLD, but I compared everybody to him, and I was so ''bonded'' to him at the time that OLD was hopeless.

billy1966 · 26/08/2019 16:56

OP, nothing wrong with having a casual sexual relationship if it works for you.

But as Ginky pig wrote he blew it big time by blaming his ED on you. The cheek of him.

If he contacts you again I think her message is a good one.

You sound lovely and need to focus on what you want and need and leave this awful man to his own devices.

Being treated like that is so not good for you.

Mollyboboff · 26/08/2019 17:01

No hes not married hes a commitment phobe I feel. He had a long term girlfriend but she cheated multiple times and was a bit abusive - I know this to be true I've also known her since teens.

So does that mean you had sex with him whilst he was with her ?

Aside from that , if you want to settle down with someone , give him up and set your sights higher.

Original poster
Msgiggles30 · 26/08/2019 17:09

Thanks all I am crying but laughing out loud at some of these responses. I 100% know he does not deserve me and not sure why I have done it for so long, I think alot comes from boredom, im currently off work for the summer holidays and once I go back to work I know I will be able to forget about it.

I didnt know if I was overreacting because this hasnt been the norm at all over the time we've known eachother but I know he doesnt respect me now. I do have feelings for him in terms of a genuine care and there were some what ifs years ago but I wouldnt want a relationship with him we are too different and I want more for my life. I'm just overthinking at the moment and feeling am I that crap but deep down i know I'm not and it's his issue

OP posts:
Original poster
Msgiggles30 · 26/08/2019 17:10

No Mollybob they had been split up about a year but I went to school with her and we have mutual freinds who have said it's the truth as I know some men make up excuses about horrid ex girlfriends Hmm

OP posts:
ThatCurlyGirl · 26/08/2019 17:11

Am I over reacting?

You ABSOLUTELY aren't!

Never ever ever ever be someone's back up plan.

Ever.

Ever. Ever. Ever. It never works.

You sound like a lovely woman, who has her head screwed on but has had it damaged by being treated this way.

Every day you perpetuate this relationship (in which he makes you feel a bit shitter about yourself and a bit more doubtful of your boundaries) you're a day further away from a healthy and happy relationship.

I took a step back from a situation like this and thought who the FUCK does he think he is treating me like this?!

It's embarrassing for him not for you, but you need to leave. And be prepared - he'll absolutely come running and lovebomb you when you leave because his failsafe plan is over but that will be all the more reason to have let him go.

Come on OP - move on and get happy, you can do it SmileThanks

Original poster
Msgiggles30 · 26/08/2019 17:18

Thanks curly I know you're right! And I do have the rest of my life sorted and pretty strong willed however I'm a bad people pleaser so I think that's half the issue here. These posts have made me feel much better and stronger about this even the harsh ones Wink. I've also come to realise through discussion although I say 'casual sex' we are more intertwined after all this time than I care to admit which is even more reason to cut it off now x

OP posts:
ThatCurlyGirl · 26/08/2019 17:29

Ah good I'm so glad you know you're worth more @Msgiggles30 it's not about whether it's casual or not, it's about whether it makes you feel happy or feel shit!

I think the term 'casual sex' is too reductive in society - I had one relationship that I guess would be classed as this on paper but he treated me beautifully, was one of the best friends I've ever had, respected me etc and is still a good friend and my god he was good in bed. And everywhere else, ahem.

You don't have to want to be with someone long term and marry them to treat someone well and expect them to treat you well too - don't put up with it if it doesn't make you happy.

Hope you can cut ties and find happier times SmileThanks

Original poster
Msgiggles30 · 27/08/2019 12:35

Yes just need to work on putting what I know to be true into practise now!

OP posts:
Dieu · 27/08/2019 16:19

Hi OP. Sorry you found yourself in that position (pun unintended!) with him.
I wonder if subconsciously, you feel that you will always have him to fall back on, which makes you less proactive about actually meeting somebody new. This would be understandable if you were a good match, but he doesn't sound right for you at all. The healthiest thing to do would be to cut this off, hard as it may be. You're still very young, but can you imagine letting it drift on with this guy, for more years to come, and end up saddling yourself with him ... and his floppy cock?! Move on, you deserve more.

Original poster
Msgiggles30 · 27/08/2019 16:52

Haha Dieu that really made me laugh! You are right I do use him as a fall back but no dont want the next few years to look the same. Just need to get through this week sticking to my resolve now and then when I'm back to my hectic work there wont be time to think about it!

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread