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Original poster

Was my male friend in the wrong or me ?

84 replies

French189 · 26/08/2019 10:45

It happened a while ago but he brought it up again in a conversation.
He was a student in a town about 3h away from me. I did like him and maybe wanted something. It was confusing as he would flirt but didn't want anything, but that was fully my fault for continuing and not just moving on.

Anyway, I had been talking about going to see him one weekend and he didnt seem to have much free time. He eventually found one weekend and as it's 3h each way, I assumed I wouldn't be going for just one day.
He asked me how long I was coming for, I said I could stay over and offered to get a hotel nearby. I admit I wanted to stay at his but that wasn't my choice to make.
Anyway I had paid for my train and everything was booked, and he knew.
2 days before he told me online that he couldnt do this weekend anymore as he had a party to go to, said he would repay me half my ticket, but didnt suggest an alternative weekend.
He claimed that he 'couldn't invite me to the party' as he 'didnt know the girl hosting well enough'.
I wasn't happy as I had already paid and he knew it; I was on a low salary too and didn't fancy just losing 50 quid (half the ticket price).
I told him it wasn't cool at all and that I wasn't happy. He got very angry and défensive and said that this was an important party to him. I said he could have surely explained that his friend was coming from 3h away and had already booked it, but he claimed it was impossible.
I said that he hadnt seemed that keen on me coming and that this was maybe an excuse.
He was so angry that in the end I ended up apologising for overreacting, said I would see him in the day and then go do my own thing in the evening and get a hotel.
However it was too late and he told me 'do not bother coming to my city , I dont want you here'.
I told him that I had paid money, this was a big touristic city and that if I wanted to go see it on my own I had every right to do so.

What do people think about the party ? And about telling me not to come at all to the city (even just on my own)

OP posts:
Original poster
French189 · 26/08/2019 10:46

I admit because I had feelings I had been even more keen to see him. He clearly wasn't that keen and I wish I had just left it.

OP posts:
bigchris · 26/08/2019 10:48

Wow he's an utter arsehole

GilbertMarkham · 26/08/2019 10:48

I find it strange that he couldn't take you along (having explained the situation to the 'hostess' bit much more importantly than that, I think you should stop pursuing a 'friendship' with someone you really want more with.

You just going to end up being treated like crap.

Original poster
French189 · 26/08/2019 10:49

Thanks for the replies. Yes, well he never explained anything to the host, he just told me 'I dont think I can ask her'...

OP posts:
Cobblersandhogwash · 26/08/2019 10:50

He behaved like a knob.

He didn't want you at the party in case people thought you were a couple.

I would have faded from view after an episode like that.

You're still friends?

Original poster
French189 · 26/08/2019 10:50

I could fully understand if he were ill or some sort of family problem came up but..

OP posts:
Tableclothing · 26/08/2019 10:50

He's not even a friend. I wouldn't bother with him again. Plan out a lot of fun/interesting things to do and enjoy your weekend.

GilbertMarkham · 26/08/2019 10:51

I suspect he was the interested in/involved with someone attending the party and didn't want to be bothered by you being there- either because he couldn't concentrate fully on them, or he knew it would upset you and didn't want to deal with that, or that they would ask who you were and what was going on between you two (and that would cause him hassle) ....

bigchris · 26/08/2019 10:51

The party is clearly about a girl he likes

He knows you like him and is telling you in a horrid way he doesn't reciprocate

Original poster
French189 · 26/08/2019 10:52

Thanks for the replies. That does make sense that he may have liked someone there/didn't want people to think we were an item.

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 26/08/2019 10:53

He didn't want you at the party in case people thought you were a couple.

That's what I was trying to say (but managed to waffle on for paragraphs).

As to not visiting the town on your own at all - bizarre and not his decision/business. Maybe he thought you'd inevitably call on him, try to meet him - back to the reasons above as to why he didn't want you around.

NewMe2019 · 26/08/2019 10:53

He's not a friend at all. It's that simple.

Original poster
French189 · 26/08/2019 10:56

Thanks. Yes, he clearly isn't a 'good friend' and I was wasting my time when I had feelings, why didnt I just leave it.
Yes I agree. It's a massive touristy town, I have no idea where he lives and had every right to go on my own and not need to see him.

OP posts:
GreenPillows · 26/08/2019 10:57

I think he deep down knew he was being a twot, was ashamed, and that's why he doubled down and was so defensive.

I also think he liked you being into him for his ego but freaked out.

I had a friend like this too. Sympathies, OP. I ended up very hurt as this was the sort of thing he'd do. But to look at the bright side once I realised he wasn't into me I quickly realised he wasn't actually a good friends, not really, and now I have totally forgotten he exists apart from every now and then when I read a MN post like this.

KeepStill · 26/08/2019 10:58

Being devil’s advocate, one reading of the situation is that you were the one pushing to visit, he was already uncomfortable with the idea of you visiting for a day because he, unlike you, didn’t want a relationship, hence him not ‘having much free time’, then he panicked and got rude when it was clear you planned to stay overnight and hoped to spend the night with him.

He didn’t behave well, but I think this is one of the situations where, if you flipped the sexes, it would look as if you were harassing him.

NameChangeNugget · 26/08/2019 11:00

What a wanker.

He didn’t want to be seen with you

Badwifey · 26/08/2019 11:01

He sound like a dickhead. He is stringing you along because he knows how you feel. You need to move on and ditch him. £100 is a huge amount of money to waste. He could easily have explained to his friends that he had a visitor coming or he could have not gone at all. I suspect as someone else said above he is clearly interested in someone at this party and doesn't want to have to explain your situation or... He is actually going on a date with someone and made up the party so as to keep you strung...

Original poster
French189 · 26/08/2019 11:01

Yes, I maybe was pushing in the sense that I was the only one trying to make plans. We spoke online almost every day, I had known him for 2 years and he was often very flirty so I guess I thought he might actually want to see me.
He probably was being extremely defensive out of guilt.
I told him I would get a hotel but it's true I wanted him to ask me to stay there.
Anyway yeah, I really wish I had just left it.

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 26/08/2019 11:02

It was confusing as he would flirt but didn't want anything

He's not a nice person and not a real friend. He clearly likes the attention and is happy to take the company etc when it suits him; but doesn't want you around when he's involved with someone/interested in someone.

He's not being honest - if he was really decent he would just say "I'm not interested in anything romantic with you, and it's extremely unlikely to change, but we can be platonic friends", then what problem would it be to have you visit or take you along around a girlfriend/potential girlfriend and just genuinely introduce you as a friend; but he's not mature if honest enough to do that.

Maybe he thinks if he's that honest, you'll walk/cut all contact and he'll lose one of his sources of attention and company when he's at a loose end.

It's not a true friendship, sorry.

And quite honestly,bits not from your side either because it sounds like you want more than friendship - it's going to masochistic and shitty for you to continue being "friends" with him.

You'd be better to.concentrate on getting more true friends and meeting a boyfriend who's interested and genuine back. You will if you need enough people.

Carthage · 26/08/2019 11:03

Did you actually go on the weekend in the end OP and why are you still 'friends' with him?

Also did you bring it up in conversation?

GilbertMarkham · 26/08/2019 11:03

*meet

saraclara · 26/08/2019 11:03

So if this happened a while ago, what did you do and how did it pan out? And why did it come up in conversation again recently?

Musti · 26/08/2019 11:04

You were both being unreasonable. You pushed him into reluctantly accepting your visit and then when he was invited to a party that he really wanted to go, he was annoyed that you had persuaded him to accept. I would not communicate with him until you get over any feelings you have for him and then see if you can just be friends.

GilbertMarkham · 26/08/2019 11:05

He doesn't sound like all that great a person anyway, even if he did want a relationship or was a true platonic friend .. he sounds immature and a bit of a dick. I mean "don't come to my city at all", wff?

PegasusReturns · 26/08/2019 11:06

Are you still friends with this man?! Your OP implies you are Shock

He's horrible.