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Original poster

Was my male friend in the wrong or me ?

84 replies

French189 · 26/08/2019 10:45

It happened a while ago but he brought it up again in a conversation.
He was a student in a town about 3h away from me. I did like him and maybe wanted something. It was confusing as he would flirt but didn't want anything, but that was fully my fault for continuing and not just moving on.

Anyway, I had been talking about going to see him one weekend and he didnt seem to have much free time. He eventually found one weekend and as it's 3h each way, I assumed I wouldn't be going for just one day.
He asked me how long I was coming for, I said I could stay over and offered to get a hotel nearby. I admit I wanted to stay at his but that wasn't my choice to make.
Anyway I had paid for my train and everything was booked, and he knew.
2 days before he told me online that he couldnt do this weekend anymore as he had a party to go to, said he would repay me half my ticket, but didnt suggest an alternative weekend.
He claimed that he 'couldn't invite me to the party' as he 'didnt know the girl hosting well enough'.
I wasn't happy as I had already paid and he knew it; I was on a low salary too and didn't fancy just losing 50 quid (half the ticket price).
I told him it wasn't cool at all and that I wasn't happy. He got very angry and défensive and said that this was an important party to him. I said he could have surely explained that his friend was coming from 3h away and had already booked it, but he claimed it was impossible.
I said that he hadnt seemed that keen on me coming and that this was maybe an excuse.
He was so angry that in the end I ended up apologising for overreacting, said I would see him in the day and then go do my own thing in the evening and get a hotel.
However it was too late and he told me 'do not bother coming to my city , I dont want you here'.
I told him that I had paid money, this was a big touristic city and that if I wanted to go see it on my own I had every right to do so.

What do people think about the party ? And about telling me not to come at all to the city (even just on my own)

OP posts:
CalmFizz · 26/08/2019 11:07

You say this was a while ago, how long are we talking? I’m assuming you’re all young/students.

Do you still tolerate this persons behaviour/treatment of you?

Original poster
French189 · 26/08/2019 11:10

Thanks for the answers. In the end my housemate offered to come with me which was nice, so I told him I would be going with her and that I wasn't going to waste the money/wanted to still see the city.
This wasn't good enough for him and he said I was 'forcing him to see me' even though I had told him that i did not need to see him there.
He came and met us for a coffee and I hoped it would be ok, he was friendly and it was fine, then as soon as we left he was ice cold by text.

OP posts:
Iamtooknackeredtorun · 26/08/2019 11:11

Having read your update if you ever have anything to so with him again then, in the nicest possible way, you are a fool.

slipperywhensparticus · 26/08/2019 11:12

You should have said fuck off and blocked him

Original poster
French189 · 26/08/2019 11:13

I said to him that he had no right to 'ban' people from cities and he said 'let's be clear, you weren't coming for the city'.
We are late 20s and he was doing a Masters.
I cut him out for a while but he 'came back'. But when I mentioned meeting again he was very vague and non-committal to any dates.
I have wasted a lot of time so since blocked him, we ended up in a discussion of why does he talk/flirt online but never wants to see me and he told me I was very attractive but just a friend.
I was silly to carry on talking/trying to see him, a waste of time when I should have moved on initially. It's a lesson learned anyway.

OP posts:
TheStuffedPenguin · 26/08/2019 11:15

So you are still chatting to this guy ? You haven't got the message yet that he doesn't want to be with you in the way you want ?

Original poster
French189 · 26/08/2019 11:16

No we dont speak at all now and he is blocked.

OP posts:
Tojigornot · 26/08/2019 11:16

How long ago was this?

maddy68 · 26/08/2019 11:16

He behaved very badly however I feel you were over invested in the relationship. The fact he was busy and it was difficult to arrange a date days it all. Back off, block him. Move on

Original poster
French189 · 26/08/2019 11:17

I cut him out for a couple months but he ended up 'coming back' messaging me to say that i looked really pretty on my profile pic.
I think as others said he enjoyed the attention and it was an ego boost. But I was wrong to keep trying.

OP posts:
TheStuffedPenguin · 26/08/2019 11:18

No we dont speak at all now and he is blocked

Great news - chalk it up to experience and move on .Don't chew over it .

Original poster
French189 · 26/08/2019 11:19

The being too busy was just another say to say he wasnt interested but sadly I believed what I wanted to. I think because he messaged every day online and flirty that he may actually want to see me but I was stupid.

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 26/08/2019 11:19

The poster who said the party may have been an excuse/lie could well be right.

Why would it be such an issue to bring a friend along to a party. I mean student/young person parties are usually pretty informal (understatement).

Perhaps he got involved with someone and was spending the weekend with them (esp since he identified a free weekend but then tried to cancel.at quite short notice (or had another girl.wanting to visit) or who knows .. but in any case some situation where he didn't want younaround, knowing your feelings are not entirely platonic and possibly getting jealousy/hassle from the girl...

Perhaps he didn't want to say that (again more dishonesty and immaturity) so just made up an excuse.

The 'feeling forced to meet' - yeah he knew he'd feel and look rude and odd not to meet s supposed friend visiting his town, even for a brief time, so he fitted in the coffee - but resented it.

Clearly he likes the good guy act and feels compelled to do it, but can't not be an asshole behind it.

joystir59 · 26/08/2019 11:20

He doesn't like you or want to see you. Let him go.

cacklingmags · 26/08/2019 11:22

Total knob. End the friendship.

GilbertMarkham · 26/08/2019 11:23

"he said 'let's be clear, you weren't coming for the city'."

He absolutely knew you were into him, wanted more with him and he was very unfair to keep flirting when he didn't want more.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 26/08/2019 11:24

Honestly OP, you come across a bit stalkerish and tone deaf. My reading of is that the guy has tried to spell it out to you that he is not interested, yet you keep persisting. If he had wanted to see you, he would have invited you, yet you basically invited yourself.

Move on and find someone who likes you.

GilbertMarkham · 26/08/2019 11:25

Quite arrogant too - couldn't believe even a smidgeon of what you were doing could just be making the best of an inconvenient situation/waste of money that he'd stuck you with by cancelling with 2 days notice.

GilbertMarkham · 26/08/2019 11:27

you come across a bit stalkerish and tone deaf

She doesn't actually.

She's admitted she pushed when she shouldn't have.

Also it's easy to be "confused" when a man flirts with you and leaves messaged about you looking pretty in your profile photo etc.

Come on,the strung her along a bit too.

INeedAFlerken · 26/08/2019 11:27

Keep him blocked.

He's a dick. Enjoyed the online attention from you, liked the boost it gave him, but wanted to control your attention. Game playing arsehole.

You are well rid of him at all levels. Feel sorry for whomever ends up dating the prick.

GilbertMarkham · 26/08/2019 11:28

*he strung her along a bit too

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 26/08/2019 11:29

What type of student party do you have to ask the hostess to bring someone. Nah, he panicked, he never wanted you there/was on a better offer. How the hell did you remain friends though?

MollyButton · 26/08/2019 11:32

Keep him blocked - and keep something to remind you not to contact him again. It sounds as if he is the type to keep crawling out of the woodwork somewhere every while just to boost his ego that your still there "just hanging on for him".
He's not a nice person and very self absorbed - a lucky break for you that he wasn't interested.

Original poster
French189 · 26/08/2019 11:34

Thanks for the replies, I am well rid for sure. Very true about the student party.. It was hardly some sort of exclusive members party.
He has asked me for naked photos before which I have very stupidly sent.
There is no friendship at all now and no contact and I recognise that he would not have been a good partner in any shape or form.
If I ever find myself in such a situation again I will know to move on right away rather than remain in a situation with someone who clearly doesn't have feelings, it is a complete waste of time.

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 26/08/2019 11:34

It can be confusing when someone is fairly crappy about meetings; but maintains in regular, consistent contact electronically, initiates contact if you drop out, flirts etc.

Ops not the first to fall into that trap and won't be the last.

What opened my eyes to some extent was reading in a relationships book (maybe the rules of HJNTIY, can't remember) that electronic contact is actually an easy, low effort, low sacrifice activity that means next to nothing.

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