Was my male friend in the wrong or me ?

[French189]

It happened a while ago but he brought it up again in a conversation.
He was a student in a town about 3h away from me. I did like him and maybe wanted something. It was confusing as he would flirt but didn't want anything, but that was fully my fault for continuing and not just moving on.

Anyway, I had been talking about going to see him one weekend and he didnt seem to have much free time. He eventually found one weekend and as it's 3h each way, I assumed I wouldn't be going for just one day.
He asked me how long I was coming for, I said I could stay over and offered to get a hotel nearby. I admit I wanted to stay at his but that wasn't my choice to make.
Anyway I had paid for my train and everything was booked, and he knew.
2 days before he told me online that he couldnt do this weekend anymore as he had a party to go to, said he would repay me half my ticket, but didnt suggest an alternative weekend.
He claimed that he 'couldn't invite me to the party' as he 'didnt know the girl hosting well enough'.
I wasn't happy as I had already paid and he knew it; I was on a low salary too and didn't fancy just losing 50 quid (half the ticket price).
I told him it wasn't cool at all and that I wasn't happy. He got very angry and défensive and said that this was an important party to him. I said he could have surely explained that his friend was coming from 3h away and had already booked it, but he claimed it was impossible.
I said that he hadnt seemed that keen on me coming and that this was maybe an excuse.
He was so angry that in the end I ended up apologising for overreacting, said I would see him in the day and then go do my own thing in the evening and get a hotel.
However it was too late and he told me 'do not bother coming to my city , I dont want you here'.
I told him that I had paid money, this was a big touristic city and that if I wanted to go see it on my own I had every right to do so.

What do people think about the party ? And about telling me not to come at all to the city (even just on my own)

You're well shot of this ship op. He sounds like he was keeping you as a backup option.
I do have to address Pp saying if the roles were reversed it would be harassment, they are talking nonsense. Men still have the upper hand in society and often feel they can keep women hanging on. Women don't have the history of violence and extreme actions against men that men have against women. Which is why is is completely different for a man to pursue a woman. Don't talk crap just to have something to say.

And of course the person gets some stimulation, attention, validation, mild entertainment out of it (with little effort) so they'll keep doing it.

It most probably was an ego boost and he was flattered by my attention /it reassured him to know I was there.
I was very weak and I should have been able to say right, whatever then, and just fully leave it after the party incident.

He has asked me for naked photos before which I have very stupidly sent.

What an utter shit. Too late now but please don’t send any more naked photos to any man (or woman 🤷🏻‍♀️) - you can never ever get them back.

Well done for blocking him. He sounds vile.

I dont think he was as keen on you as you were on him TBH.!.However as he has behaved so badly maybe not much of a loss?.Building you up and letting you down is classic bad behaviour of a controlling type of man!

Try and retain the lesson you have learned from this: no matter how chatty/flirty someone is online, if they aren't enthusiastic about meeting you, back off and stop pushing. Otherwise you end up pretty much forcing the person to be rude to you, because you're not taking the hint.
It does sound like this particular man was getting some amusement and an ego boost out of your desperation, which isn't nice, but even a basically OK person might end up making 'feeble' excuses if they don't want to see you but you keep countering every objection they make.

Glad you blocked him OP

He’s just not that into you.

As the book says. You are both at fault but then again, testing the water of a possible love interest is often tricky. You pushed and he wasn’t interested, but you pushed more. He didn’t want to say he wasnt interested and like most people, would rather the friendship faded away rather than say ‘I’m just not that into you’.

There are other men. Don’t hate this man for it. It’s experience.

Learn from this mistake.
Six of one and half a dozen of the other.

Thanks, you are very right about me pushing. I just wasnt able to believe that he would sext me online, ask for naked pics and tell me that he wanted to sleep with me etc. And then not actually ever want to see me in person. It sounds stupid but I found it hard to fathom. I could understand from some randomer online who I didnt know at all but not a guy id known a couple of years.

He used you for “kicks” and you fed his ego.
Now he’s probably got a sexual partner but thought he might be able to get a bit off you too and he’s taken guilt to himself.
Glad you blocked him. Keep it that way, he’s a prick.

It's possible that when he cancelled on meeting up that he either a. Had met someone and didn't want to cheat (he presumed sex was on the cards whether you stayed at his or a hotel) or ... (Possibly being too generous to him) he had a conscience crisis and didn't want to meet and have sex with you when he knew you liked him, wanted more and he knew he didn't. Then hed definitely be using &,abusing someone in a much more solid way than just sexting/pics/flirtation and perhaps he had enough conscience to not want to go there.

It is also easy to get carried away sexting.

I hate to say this OP. But he might have had a girlfriend but enjoyed this virtual cheating asking for naked pictures and flirting and using you for his own sexual gratification. Not thinking about your feelings whatsoever and then panicking when you decided to come down. Because the reality of cheating on his girlfriend and getting caught out became all too real. Just incase some horrible coincidence you bumped in to each other.

I hate to admit I have had male friends in my past who have used me who I thought were good friends at the time. You only find out and kick yourself later on when you realise that when you have nothing to give them, they don't want your friendship.

You probably still have some feelings there because your posting about this. It's unfortunate but you will find someone who treats you like a queen and this joker will go in the little box of mistakes not even worth a mention.

It's hard when you have those feelings, which can pop up against your own good sense and be impossible to control! I understand why you kept engaging with him. However, he is a total f*ckboy OP. He likes the attention but won't return anything and gets defensive when called out on it. In turn, you probably didn't act sensibly because of your feelings. It happens. Good that you got rid, keep rid. You are better than some little twit.

Yeah, that would fit with his extreme reluctance to have you visit at all - and his angry/tense behaviour around the short meeting he did do; didn't want to explain to a gf what he was doing/who he was meeting, scared of being seen ... He couldn't really be open and honest about meeting you as a platonic friend because he knew he'd be lying by omission (and outright) if he said you were just platonic, with him having sexted, got nude pics etc you.

Thanks for the replies. I don't know about him actually having someone but him being interested in someone, very likely.

If I ever cut contact he would eventually come back messaging me which I somehow convinced myself was him missing me because he liked me.

Now I know that he was just missing the attention and something to get off to.

Once, he actually talked to me about a girl he liked and he was upset because she had slept with someone else. Then, in the same sentence he asked me if he could send me a naked picture of himself. I told him how dare he see me as some sort of ego boost and try and take advantage like that, he apologised and I didn't speak to him for months.

I really should not have tried to arrange seeing him. If he had actually wanted to, he would have asked me himself but he never did and that's the bottom line.

Oh dear. He probably showed all his mates those naked photos.
He more or less told you he had no feelings for you , yet you still sent photos. Tbh I'd work on your own self worth . If someone shows you who they are, believe them .

Dude. He’s not keen. At all.

Had you ever met him before this incident or was it just an online flirtation up to that point?
It sounds like he was just messing about, getting off on talking about wanting to have sex with you, naked pictures etc. Then when you said you were going to his city he panicked - maybe he already has a gf there or is interested in someone etc. Or maybe he was worried that you wanted a relationship with him which he wasn't interested in.

In the future, if you're not sensing enthusiasm to meet up with someone when you mention it or they never make the suggestion themselves, just leave it. If the person is in to you then they'll be really keen to see you and you'll be able to sense it.

No we dont speak at all now and he is blocked.
Why are you still bothered about it then?
Learn from it, don’t send naked pics and move on

It sounds like he didn’t want you to go at all, and only finally relented to be polite. And then he thought better of it.

Why did you keep pushing to go somewhere when he didn’t want you there? Even before he took the cowards way out?

In my experience the guys who want your nude pics are going to distance themselves from you physically. Or just pure one night stand. Don’t send them to anyone again.

Did you only know this guy online?

No I had known him for 2 years before, and seen him both in a group and on a one-on-one basis.
We had slept together twice before but each time after he told me that it had been a mistake to do so.
It was just a big mess and there was fault on both sides, as I say if he had no interest in knowing me I just cant get why he messaged me so much (sometimes of his own accord)

You need to stop asking why he did or didn’t do x,y and z and start asking yourself why you were so desperate for the affections of someone who clearly didn’t respect you.

He was never your friend, that’s a label you gave to your attachment to him as an excuse to be around him. He smells your desperation a mile off and is willing to use that against you.

You need to start taking responsibility for your behaviour in this because that’s the only behaviour you can change.

Delete and block him now.