Dp deserves better than me but he won't listen

[OhLookItsThatTime]

I've come to realise that my dp and I are not very well suited.

We have been together 6 years and have 2 children together.

After having our second child I have completely stopped caring for dp.

It sounds very cold and heartless, I know.

I show him no affection and am more happy when he's out at work or just out the house.

I've tried telling him that I want to leave him so he can be with someone who cares for him and loves him but he just brushes it off.

Obviously I don't want to split our family up but it's not fair on me or dp or our children to live in a household where we don't get on.

I feel like he's wasting his life being with me but he just won't listen.
I don't want to just leave him as I want him to understand my reasons first.

How can I make him realise what I'm trying to say?

Hi OP. It sounds like you may be depressed and also overwhelmed. Taking care of 2 young kids and a partner is no easy task.

I would go and talk to your GP then also look into any help you can get to care for your partner so you can all regrain some sort of life.

What was he diagnosed with? Is it very limiting?

I don't want to just leave him as I want him to understand my reasons first.
I'm afraid that you can't make other people do what you want them to do.

Apart from anything else, what does this sound like to him, from his side? Maybe "Let's act as if you are OK with splitting up because you want to be in a better relationship" or "Agree that I am being a nice person by dumping you"?

That may not be what you mean, but would you want to agree with the person dumping you that it was a good idea?

It’s understandable to feel overwhelmed with two small children and a poorly partner. Before you make any life changing decisions I would want to make certain that this was me talking and not a mental health condition.

I'd imagine OP that your DH is very scared. He probably recognises that he needs constant support but cannot see how, should you leave him, where he would meet someone who would be willing to take him on and care for him, instead being left on his own. You're making an assumption that everyone goes on to meet someone new. That's not always the case.
His preference on balance would be to be with someone who clearly cares for him and does what she can after taking care of his DC over being on his own.

@OhLookItsThatTime you sound depressed, and overwhelmed maybe since your second child?

From the op I thought this.

How do you think being a single parent will improve things?

If you don't care about dh why would care about his happiness?

Doesn't add up?

Maybe get checked at gp for depression.

This is a big problem with depression.
Your original OP sounds selfish and emotionally manipulative - like you want him to feel grateful for leaving him (and possibly devastating him).

Are you REALLY saying:
'I can't cope with this (His illness and a little baby.) I love him but I can't care for him - it's too much. I'm depressed and feel numb towards him'?
Or, are you saying:
'I don't love him anymore and I really don't want to be lumbered with him, I'm looking to find an excuse for a way out which doesn't make me look bad'?

Sorry, poorly phrased...is this what you really want or is this the effects of depression/PND making you think this?

you wanting him to understand just how much youve gone off him first is actually pretty cruel. If you have fallen out of love with him and its not just a rocky patch, then insisting he listen to you describing this is selfish and no, he doesnt need to understand that.

Shit or get off the pot. Make the decison yourself.

Tell him your heart isnt in it and make arrangements to dissolve the partnership. Stop trying to make him do it. Thats really shitty behaviour

So leave then! Stop dressing it up, tell him you are leaving and the reason why and then just go.

Total attention seek if you ask me.

Everyone understand what you're trying to say. You're manipulating him so that you come out looking better.

Just say it's over and make steps to leave.
And this whole he can se ether kids every day is BS. That never works out. You'll need a real visitation schedule. You can't be wishy washy with the breakdown of a family. You need to put your big girl pants on and sort the business out.

He probably does understand OP

But he has decided that he wants to stay with someone who doesnt love him, because realistically if he needs a lot of care he's not going to find someone else just like that willing to devote themselves to him is he? He won't get to see his DC everyday, especially if he struggles to care for them by himself

So, are you going to stay?

No because your not leaving for him, you are leaving for you. And you need to own that. You are going to hurt him, and that's okay, but don't assuage your guilt by pretending you are doing it for him.

You need to just leave if you want to. You can't expect him to just understand why you are leaving and be him at with it.

You've came to the conclusion that you don't want to be in the relationship. You've explained to him you want out so he's well aware now. There's no taking that back. There's nothing more to do except leave if you're genuine about it.

People break up all the time for various reasons even when there are kids involved. It's rare it's a mutual split. There's usually one who wants out and the other doesn't.

Someone who doesn't want to break up isn't going to do it for you.

I think you want to have your cake and eat it - you don't want to be with your DP, but you also don't want to bear the emotional burden / guilt of being the one who leaves. So you keep telling him to leave, hoping he will save you from having to actively end your marriage yourself.

It's not fair on him at all. He obviously wants the relationship to work. So you either take steps to try and fix it (including marriage counselling etc), or you leave. Stop making excuses for why you think it should be him not you and just do it.

another woman isnt going to come along and be all delighted to have a new partner that needs a significant amount of care, willing to devote herself to him. Please dont bullshit people.

You do not have to do it. If you dont love him, walk away, and he needs to sort out his own care

another woman isnt going to come along and be all delighted to have a new partner that needs a significant amount of care, willing to devote herself to him.

I also agree with this. It doesn't mean you are obliged to stay and care for him, at all. But he's probably much more realistic about his dating prospects with a serious medical condition, and I think it's probably not helpful for you to pretend he'll walk into a new relationship that's much better for him. The likelihood of that is quite low.

you might be best living apart. Tell him that youd like to stay friends, but you cant go on pretending that this is a relationship for you anymore and that you dont want to hurt him, but you cant live a lie.

Then make your plans to move out

I think the problem is that deep down you feel guilty about abandoning him - you say you're not married but if a long term relationship the whole "in sickness & in health" rule kind of still applies... you didn't make the vow but hey still not a great look.

So what you're trying to do is "make" him see that you're doing this for him. But he is ill health with long term medical conditions, is he really going to ever understand or accept that you don't love him & want to leave ? You want him to give a blessing & it all to end on a positive note. But the thing is, you can't make someone come to that same conclusion you have. You want to leave, but what if he will always feel abandoned ? Just deal with the guilt, own it & move out with some dignity.

I know you may feel like this is the dignified way, but in reality it sounds quite cruel. What you're asking them to do is to not only accept that you're leaving, but feel as though this is for their benefit ? You can't say that. You know you're doing this for you. To wrap it up as a selfless act is kind of emotionally manipulative.

@OhLookItsThatTime Its clear what you want to do, and why - but it's also clear that he won't hear it. Probably because while it is admirable that you want a conversation, to make him understand and to absolve yourself a bit, you're selling him a bit of a fantasy. The idea that you'll walk away from him and he'll find a woman who will love him and look after him like you feel he deserves to be looked after, and help him to have the kids half the time and still be an amazing dad, despite his condition.

And realistically, he's going to know that's not hugely likely. And he's also going to be scared about the future, and his condition, and how things would work with his kids. And perhaps about how he'll afford the lifestyle he wants, too.

He has one way of trying to stop this from happening, and that's to avoid that conversation with you. If you can't tell him you're unhappy and you're leaving, and you won't leave without telling him that, he can hold the status quo for a while at least. He's got just as much chance of you changing your mind if he can avoid the conversation for a while as he has of finding someone who will happily provide the love and care he needs. He's just betting on you, as you have history, a family together and presumably you did used to have feelings for him.

If you strongly believe this is better for everyone, and you don't think it's likely to change, you'll have to take charge and get things moving. You may get an opportunity to discuss the whys with him down the road, or he may prefer not to know, but otherwise you'll be stuck in a limbo. That remains the case however noble your intentions.

There is nothing more infuriating than someone telling you that they don't want to be with you for your own good. How fucking arrogant, if you don't want to be with him it's fine, but don't try to dress it up as in his best interests just so you can feel that there is some sort of altruistic purpose behind the break up and so you don't need to feel guilty for leaving him

You have told him the reason why.

So leave. He can try and brush it off. So tell him you are leaving and leave. You dint have to do a midnight flit.

Basically, you want him to dump you so you dont look like the bad guy.

You arent just disappearing. You have told him you shouldnt be together. Stop saying 'you should dump me' and tell him the truth 'I dont want to continue this relationship' then leave.

Just be a big girl, make sure they are adequately financially provided for, and leave. If you do have depression, it may be easier to get better when you are not looking after three other people at the same time. Maybe the time apart will give you both a bit of breathing space for you both to figure out what you wa t.

But if you really dont love hom and dont want to be with him, leave him, and stop manipulating him.

There is nothing noble about manipulating someone to break up with you because you don’t want to be the bad guy.

He doesn’t agree with your reasons for ending your relationship, he doesn’t have to and you can’t make him. If you want out, you’re going to have to tell him you want out.

I think what Lymehouse posted bears repeating and I'm going to go slightly against the grain.

I don't think "I don't love you anymore" is an understandable reason.

A reason? Maybe. But understandable? No. It begs the question "WHY don't you love me anymore"?

Imagine a film critic doing the same:

"I give "Toy Story 4" 2 stars. Because I, although I once loved the Toy Story franchise, I don't love it anymore."

So I think if you actually want your H to understand you'll have to present whichever of the the two interpretations Lymehouse offered - because I think these more accurately nail things on the head.

Are you REALLY saying:
'I can't cope with this (His illness and a little baby.) I love him but I can't care for him - it's too much. I'm depressed and feel numb towards him'?
Or, are you saying:
'I don't love him anymore and I really don't want to be lumbered with him, I'm looking to find an excuse for a way out which doesn't make me look bad'?

"I just fell out of love" is an incredibly passive explanation. It treats feelings as if their random clouds that defy the laws of physics.

PING! OMG! I love you!
*PING! OMG! Now I don't!

Totally not my fault! They just vanished like a phone signal affected by... well, who knows? The weather? A technical error? It doesn't matter - all that matters is they're gone.

And that might be true, but again, that doesn't it understandable. Because if feelings can just switch off for no given reason they why can't they just switch back on again, for no given reason?

And truly, if you want him to have a hope in Hell of finding someone more suitable for him, then you definitely owe him more. Because if you don't, the most perfect person may come along but he'll be thinking "well, she might seem perfect but experience has shown me that any feelings she has could switch off randomly at any point and that will be perfectly valid - I'll be abandoned again and confused and I just have to accept that. In fact, given its already happened with a person I loved I should EXPECT that will happen.

Take it from a person who wrestles daily with this myself. I'm long over my divorce. We have a very amicable arrangement. I would love another relationship, but I just can't trust myself to start one because - if my take my ex at her word - no matter how suitable or infatuated the person is, they could turn on a dime and cheat on me just because "feelings change" overnight.

What were things like before your DP got sick, OP? You say you have 2 kids together and he got sick after they were born. You allude to him needing looking after. So you have 2 young kids and a partner to care for. Do you work as well? Having to be a partner's carer can massively affect a relationship and maybe if you had some practical support, the relationship may improve. Is DP's condition something for which he'd be entitled to social care support? Local support group for him to take some of the load off you? I'd also echo PP's suggestion of seeing GP re possible depression - if you're chronically stressed and exhausted from trying to do too much by yourself, depression can creep up on you and make you feel like you're not good enough.

Sorry but I agree with almost everyone else that you are being selfish and unkind.

Telling him you are going to leave but not leaving.

Put the guy out of his misery and leave. Stop trying to get him to validate it by "understanding" just so you can feel better about yourself for leaving him.

Can't believe you can't see how awful you're being.