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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp deserves better than me but he won't listen

80 replies

OhLookItsThatTime · 26/08/2019 06:53

I've come to realise that my dp and I are not very well suited.

We have been together 6 years and have 2 children together.

After having our second child I have completely stopped caring for dp.

It sounds very cold and heartless, I know.

I show him no affection and am more happy when he's out at work or just out the house.

I've tried telling him that I want to leave him so he can be with someone who cares for him and loves him but he just brushes it off.

Obviously I don't want to split our family up but it's not fair on me or dp or our children to live in a household where we don't get on.

I feel like he's wasting his life being with me but he just won't listen.
I don't want to just leave him as I want him to understand my reasons first.

How can I make him realise what I'm trying to say?

OP posts:
JiltedJohnsJulie · 26/08/2019 08:08

How old is your littlest? Have you ruled out post natal depression? This too.

Snog · 26/08/2019 08:12

You tell him you don't love him any more. That's all you need to do, it says everything and he will understand but of course probably won't like it.
Then you leave.
If you are saying that you need to be the good guy here that's not going to happen because he doesn't want it to be over.

I'm unclear as to why you need mumsnet advice on this tbh

HattieHu · 26/08/2019 08:14

Just leave then. I think it's manipulative to keep saying this but not taking action.

Lymehouse · 26/08/2019 08:17

I think the OP knows that she's about to hurt him badly and split up the family.
She doesn't want to be held responsible or feel the guilt for that so is trying to convince her DH that she's doing it for him.
I can't tell you how annoyed this kind of manipulative shit makes me.

beccarocksbaby · 26/08/2019 08:18

But you've explained your thoughts by the sound of it repeatedly and you're still there. It very much does sound like you're trying to force him to pull the trigger by repeating your reasons so you don't have to. Why? Why not just get on with it?

By the sound of it he understands he just disagrees.

So you need to finalise things if that's what you want, stop dragging the guy through the mill with this "you deserve better" stuff. Breakups are not the place for that. You either breakup or you try and improve things at this point.

PP are right, he's clinging to hope cause you've not done it yet. He's clearly not going to no matter how much you say he deserves better so crack on and get it done if you're gonna.

Demogorgmum · 26/08/2019 08:20

Like a pp I too am here to mention depression. I have it and feel numb to emotion a lot.

YouJustDoYou · 26/08/2019 08:21

Yes but by you telling him you don't want him/he needs to be with someone else, you ARE trying to get HIM to leave. your way is like putting someone through mental torture, he’ll be clinging on to the fact you’re still there and take it to mean there is a chance only for you to dump him in the end anyway. Just leave to poor guy and let him move on

^^This.

Original poster
OhLookItsThatTime · 26/08/2019 08:24

My youngest is 2 years old.

I'm actually surprised that many of you don't understand this situation.

OP posts:
SeaBear11 · 26/08/2019 08:24

Maybe he doesn’t give much of a shit about you either. Maybe he doesn’t want to lose his kids at best 50% of the time.

MissSmiley · 26/08/2019 08:25

@OhLookItsThatTime you sound depressed, and overwhelmed maybe since your second child?

PaddyF0dder · 26/08/2019 08:29

Poor guy.

He does deserve better.

Original poster
OhLookItsThatTime · 26/08/2019 08:32

@PaddyF0dder exactly!

OP posts:
Original poster
OhLookItsThatTime · 26/08/2019 08:33

@MissSmiley definitely overwhelmed.

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 26/08/2019 08:33

Before you do anything permanent, go to the go and check for pnd.

Footle · 26/08/2019 08:34

His 'medical issues' that you can't cope with .. what does this mean?

beccarocksbaby · 26/08/2019 08:35

I'm actually surprised that many of you don't understand this situation.

So literally everyone else is wrong and you are right. What's the point of the thread if you don't want to listen to the overwhelming feeling?

If he deserves better bugger off and let him have better. You've explained it to him.

Northernsoullover · 26/08/2019 08:37

I do understand completely, but as has been said now you need to follow through with it. Its awful when you fall out of love with someone. You feel so guilty especially if they still love you. But you have to leave, they will be devastated BUT after you have gone the healing process begins. At the moment you are peeling off a plaster very slowly.
Its likely he does understand but as you are still there he has hope and a little bit of denial. The kindest thing you can do is leave.

Doormat247 · 26/08/2019 08:42

@OhLookItsThatTime I had a very similar situation with my exh (although no kids). He also had a medical condition I struggled to cope with, as you mentioned too.
I knew he'd be better finding someone else who could give him what he wanted. He eventually agreed and said he just wanted me to be happy - but nothing really came from this. It all blew up one day when he lost his temper and attacked me (defo didn't see that coming) so we finally ended it and I felt huge relief.
Sounds like you need to really enforce what you want. Don't pander to him.

On another note, I also didn't feel I could give anyone else affection but I was wrong. It was just being with my exh that made me dead inside and refuse physical touch such as hugs. I surprised myself at being able to do all the normal things I didn't think I was capable of. Sounds like you need some time to yourself though, so if being alone is right for you then do it. Good luck.

SoyDora · 26/08/2019 08:49

I don't want to just leave without him knowing why that would be plain selfish

You’ve explained your reasons. There’s nothing else to do except leave.

Lymehouse · 26/08/2019 08:49

Is there going to be a massive drip feed whereby OP reveals that her DH's medical condition means that she is his full time carer or impacts heavily on every aspect of their life together?

Original poster
OhLookItsThatTime · 26/08/2019 08:51

@Doormat247 you have explained my situation better than I could!

Since the birth of our second child not only have I had the children to care for but that is when dp was diagnosed with his illness.

He isn't able to look after them how he once did and I feel like if he was with another woman who could dedicate her time and love to just him, it would be a much better life for him.

He would still be able to see the children every day if he wanted to.

I always put my children first and this means I can't do everything for him that he needs.

OP posts:
SoyDora · 26/08/2019 09:11

But what else can you do except tell him how you feel, and leave? It’s up to him how he processes the information.

Hoodiesallsummer · 26/08/2019 09:16

I don’t think it’s your place to tell him to find another woman who can look after him. Maybe he won’t find one or doesn’t want to. Just end it and then let him lead his life the way he wants.

mrscampbellblackagain · 26/08/2019 09:23

Are you worried that others will judge you for leaving him when he is ill? Although not clear how ill he is really.

RoLaren · 26/08/2019 09:27

Some of the things you say, OP, like 'I have no interest in any other future relationships for myself' are indicative of a deeper problem. Have you received support for your mental health?

I'm speaking from experience, not trying to be critical. Depression, personality disorders etc. can cause these types of feelings.

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