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Original poster

Having to accept I will never have a wedding

75 replies

noweddingforme · 25/08/2019 19:51

DP has made it very clear he would consider spending anymore that the cost of 4 people in a registry office a waste of money & people only spend more than that because of social media.

I know there’s more to life than a wedding day but wondering wether to just ‘file’ the idea away

I wouldn’t want anything lavish, just a party with family and friends.

OP posts:
tribpot · 25/08/2019 19:54

Is there a reason why you can't pay for it?

I don't think it's a very good indication of a marriage that there is no room for compromise on this. Do you think he doesn't want to get married and this is a convenient excuse, or he just doesn't want to pay for it?

peardrops1 · 25/08/2019 19:59

I do sort of agree weddings can be a waste of money (I say that as someone planning her own!) but I do think he ought to take your feelings into account as well as his own. Is there any grounds for compromise? Could you have a small wedding, with only immediate family and very close friends? If he won't shift at all, I'd be a little worried. Is he usually rigid in his views? Is he just afraid it'll spiral into a massive wedding? How much have you discussed it?

CoraPirbright · 25/08/2019 19:59

Goodness - is he willing to let you wear a new pretty dress?

Is everything always on his terms?

Quaffy · 25/08/2019 20:00

Does he know how you feel? Why aren’t your feelings on it relevant to him if so?

Scott72 · 25/08/2019 20:04

The legal commitment is far more important than the party, but your desire for a modest wedding party is still very reasonable! If he's completely unwilling to compromise he sounds like a grumpy unreasonable beggar.

Cambionome · 25/08/2019 20:16

Are you allowed to have an opinion or don't your wishes matter, op?

VeryQuaintIrene · 25/08/2019 20:22

I sort of agree with him, but still, having a party with all your friends to celebrate a very important day in your collective life hardly seems excessive. How is he about celebration/fun/enjoyment generally?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 25/08/2019 20:30

I agree with him as well to an extent. Most weddings nowadays seem to be all about the brides big day, the photos and then seeing them on social media constantly.

A marriage is about the vows and for that you do only need four people and none of the extras.

I wouldn’t fund a child’s wedding for this reason, if they want to waste money on the perfect day that’s down to them. I’d rather the money be spent on property as much more sensible.

Why does he have to fund it though? If you want the extras then surely you just pay for them?

lunaland · 25/08/2019 20:31

Marriage often involves compromise and that starts with the wedding.
I wanted to keep it just us and my husband wanted a huge white wedding. In the end we had a smallish wedding and reception and it was wonderful.
Your partner needs to take into account your opinion too.

KellyHall · 25/08/2019 20:35

If you're anything like me, you'll be so emotional that you'll hardly remember the short ceremony anyway. It's the reception where you get to interact with people more. If he's willing to get married at all, he obviously is happy to get married. My first husband let me have everything I wanted for our wedding then didn't want any of the same things in life, my second husband and I compromised on various parts of our wedding and have a much more balanced relationship in general.

Chitarra · 25/08/2019 20:37

Who wants to get married, OP? If he doesn’t really want to get married (eg he thinks of it as ‘only a piece of paper’) and this is his suggested compromise, then I think that’s fair enough actually.

If you both want to get married then you need to agree on something that would make you both happy. How about a registry office followed by a meal out for a very small group of family and close friends?

HeckyPeck · 25/08/2019 20:39

DP has made it very clear he would consider spending anymore that the cost of 4 people in a registry office a waste of money & people only spend more than that because of social media.

What a bizarre opinion.

Weddings with family/friends and a party after have been around long before social media!

Why does he get the final say?

Inviting 4 people to a registry office wouldn’t be cheaper than having 50 or however many fit in the room. They don’t charge per person.

A village hall + buffet could be done inexpensively.

Does he think you want a really expensive wedding?

Could you price up your idea and show it won’t cost thousands?

cakeandchampagne · 25/08/2019 20:41

What else is he controlling or refusing to compromise on?

tma1968 · 25/08/2019 20:53

@noweddingforme i had this with my now husband. hes a bit tight, didnt see the point in getting married but when i stamped my foot he went along with it. i had everything on the cheap but it was lovely, as you say just a party for our family and friends. at the time i was happy to settle for that but whilst im definitely not a bridezilla and would never waste thousands on a wedding, i now feel cheated. i want to know why my husband didnt want me to have my special day? why everything was begrudged? why he didnt want to indulge me and spoil me? i have thrown it in his face a hundred times and i seriously wish i'd never bothered. it said a lot about how my husband is and i wish i'd have opened my eyes and saw what his meanness would mean in our future life. he had about 8 grand in the bank at the time but i had to have the cheapest of everything. we only got a meal after the registery office
because his parents offered to pay for it. he wanted us to just wait around for the night time to start. ive no idea why i wanted to marry him actually!

Original poster
noweddingforme · 25/08/2019 21:07

Our money is joint so I wouldn’t spend money on something we both didn’t agree to.

I asked him how much he thinks is reasonable to spend on a wedding & he wouldn’t give me a figure.

He’s not one for family dos anyway & I love a wedding/kids party & he wouldn’t want a fuss.

To clarify, he means a ceremony with no reception is all that is needed.

I think I’ll just think of it as he doesn’t want to get married rather than thinking about not having a wedding - if that makes sense.

OP posts:
MrsTumbletap · 25/08/2019 21:10

As someone who had the big fancy wedding, I am inclined to agree with your DP.

I think weddings are a big waste of money, it's about promising a life together, not chair covers and photographers, all that stuff is artificial nonsense that doesn't really mean anything. (My opinión and happily married for many years now)

How much would he be willing to spend? £1000? You could offer to pay another £1000 on top and then you do kind of compromise? You can have a nice wedding for that money.

yikesanddang · 25/08/2019 21:15

& people only spend more than that because of social media.

He dies realise doesn't he, that people has big weddings before the advent of social media?

Butterymuffin · 25/08/2019 21:18

Who brought up the idea of getting married at all, you or him? Does he actually want to? Who earns more? Is he as tight over other things?

Original poster
noweddingforme · 25/08/2019 21:19

yikes I did try and make that point - a lot of my friends got married around 10 years ago & had the ‘big weddings’ but once he gets on his SM soapbox it’s hard to get a word in!

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 25/08/2019 21:20

I agree that weddings are a waste of money but I wouldn’t veto a reception and would compromise. It sounds like he isn’t a particularly social person and that’s probably the real reason behind his objection.

I think you need to stop focusing on the wedding and start questioning your compatibility to the person you want to marry.

shiveringtimber · 25/08/2019 21:28

His attitude doesn't bode well for a future together!

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 25/08/2019 22:11

He is right - it is the signature that counts and the years after.
The money could be spent on far more important things.

Or - could your family and friends give you a party as a wedding present?!

bwydda · 25/08/2019 22:15

I think that the lack of compromise, and that you've said you can't get a word in edgeways is not indicative of a good relationship.

Dh is autistic. He struggles with crowds and attention. He didn't want a big wedding. I didn't want a contract. We compromised and met in the middle. A good platform I feel for a future where we don't always agree. No partner should tred roughshod over the thoughts and feelings of the other. That's what your partner is doing.

ArthuriaAugustaDarcy · 25/08/2019 22:18

I think I’ll just think of it as he doesn’t want to get married rather than thinking about not having a wedding

Why, OP?

I would marry my DP like the proverbial shot, should he ask me to. There is nothing I would rather do. However, I would be horrified by the idea of anything other than a register office ceremony with a couple of witnesses. I would marry him wearing a bin bag. So it's quite the reverse of your theory: I want to marry him, but I don't want a wedding.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 25/08/2019 22:19

Are you talking about a wedding? Or are you really talking about marriage? Because what's at stake here feels more significant than a registry office ceremony. You're talking about compatibility.