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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Having to accept I will never have a wedding

75 replies

noweddingforme · 25/08/2019 19:51

DP has made it very clear he would consider spending anymore that the cost of 4 people in a registry office a waste of money & people only spend more than that because of social media.

I know there’s more to life than a wedding day but wondering wether to just ‘file’ the idea away

I wouldn’t want anything lavish, just a party with family and friends.

OP posts:
NameChangeNugget · 25/08/2019 22:21

I agree with your DP

Layleah · 25/08/2019 23:29

This is shitty. Anyone simply saying they agree with your partner is missing the point.. Your partner sounds selfish and unwilling to compromise or care about your needs and wants.
Ditch him and find someone who cares for you

Londongirl07 · 25/08/2019 23:50

Trust me when I say it is a huge waste for one day, yes it is lovely to have that big day but if you both truly love each other then why not elope? It’s only about you two and no one else.

I’ve been married and now divorced but if I am to do it again I’ve now realised it’s a huge waste and it should be about the 2 of you and that’s it although it is tempting as my partner is Greek so the money dance would be nice hahahahaha but I’d rather elope with him and I find that so romantic

stoneagemum · 26/08/2019 00:18

Do the cheepo signing of the registrar ASAP with him if you are planning to stay long term as his attitude has shown his opinion on money. At least being married will protect you financially when you finally have enough of his cheep arse ways

SinglePringle · 26/08/2019 00:39

My mother told me from when I was about age 16 that she would never pay for my wedding. Not a jot. Nada.

Left me with a profound sense of unworthyness. Other people’s families took joy and pride in their children’s weddings. My mother thought a wedding day a waste of money. I’ve been single all my life and feel pretty much unworthy of a relationship. Not saying my mothers POV is the only reason (there are a few...!) but I know it’s been a contributing factor. After all, if your mum thinks you unworthy of the joy (and one can have a lovely wedding without 💸💸💸), then...

When someone tells you what they think of you, believe them.

Deadringer · 26/08/2019 00:49

Who is he, your manager? Next time he says he won't spend money on his wedding, just say that's ok if that's what you want, but when I get married I am having a wedding.

MoaningMinnie1 · 26/08/2019 01:15

Arthuria, a marriage at the registrar is a wedding! It can be as simple or elaborate as you like.

I'm inclined to agree with the op's partner as long as he isn't saying it for miserly reasons. However, op, if you want a bit more than just a ceremony with two witnesses, say so. You're entitled to have what you want within reason. Some people go out for a meal at a restaurant afterwards with family and close friends, or to the pub for buffet and bevvies.
Good luck whatever you decide.

Tongo · 26/08/2019 04:23

You don’t sound compatible at all. If he’s not listening to your needs and this is making you unhappy why don’t you go find yourself somebody who wants what you want. You don’t have to compromise on this. Find somebody who wants to make you happy over and above his own weird opinions.

chocatoo · 26/08/2019 05:02

If he doesn’t love you enough to give you this, he doesn’t love you enough for you to spend your life with him.

JudgeLinda · 26/08/2019 05:06

Why don't you have a small family wedding abroad? Cyprus is a popular venue.

blackcat86 · 26/08/2019 05:11

So where does he see the relationship going then and how does he plan to protect you and any possible DC financially should something happen to him? Without you as next of kin he presumably has family would be entitled to his assets instead of you as you're not married.

BestBeforeYesterday · 26/08/2019 05:29

I agree lavish weddings are a waste of money, but surely you can meet in the middle somewhere? And does his attitude mean you will never host big parties in the future - for a DC's christening, for example?

I also don't understand your point about all your money being joint. Does this mean you don't work? If you do work and have your own salary, surely you can spend it on whatever you wish?

BitOfFun · 26/08/2019 05:30

It doesn't matter whether posters on here agree with him or not- the point is that you are being shut down about the way you feel. It does not bode well.

Newmumma83 · 26/08/2019 05:42

@noweddingforme if you do a registry wedding or church I don’t believe the cost is different for 4 or 50 it’s jsut how many you can fit in.

The party part does cost but you could always do a twilight wedding to
Save money.

Or you could hire a village hall for the after party and everyone brings buffet food if he doesn’t want to spend out.. Hall hire for a birthday for 4 hours is about £50 ...
my friends partner is the same he knows she want to have a big wedding but he won’t do it or get engaged ... she loves him to pieces and says it doesn’t bother her but I know it does but it’s not a deal breaker.

Windmillwhirl · 26/08/2019 05:53

His attitude doesn't bode well for a future together!

I agree with this.

A wedding is important to you. Surely he could compromise to make you happy. I think he's being quite mean and his attitude reeks of 'my way or the highway'.

Is he generally tight with money? I totally understand you wanting to celebrate on a small scale, at least.

Coyoacan · 26/08/2019 05:59

I'm with your dp. I've been to big weddings where the newly weds went to live in the in-laws spare room afterwards because they couldn't afford the rent.

tribpot · 26/08/2019 06:08

Our money is joint so I wouldn’t spend money on something we both didn’t agree to.
Is this how he treats the money as well? So cars, holidays, houses - these are all fully joint decisions?

What would either of you do if you wanted to buy something the other didn't want to fund? Go out and earn some separate money?

NabooThatsWho · 26/08/2019 06:14

Are you compatible? Is he a bit tight? And controlling?

I think big weddings are a waste of money, but having your close family and friends there is important. It’s meant to be a celebration! You shouldn’t have to compromise when you aren’t asking for much.

Sounds like your problems run deeper than this wedding issue.

Original poster
noweddingforme · 26/08/2019 07:45

I did get upset when we were discussing it at that point he said I was emotionally blackmailing him Sad My ex left me as we were planning a wedding so I suppose it feels like a double rejection.

We both work and so far we have always discussed big joint purchases - however there is a big holiday that I want to take the kids on in a couple of years that he does not want to spend money on & I think I will use my savings for it & it’s up to him wether he wants to join us!

OP posts:
mostlydrinkstea · 26/08/2019 07:58

It costs about the same for a marriage in church as a marriage in a registry office. I did one where the bride borrowed a nice dress, the groom wore his best suit and flowers were out of a friend's garden. Job done. I think they went onto a pub afterwards.

It sounds as if there are other issues below the surface. Marriage gives financial and legal security. Can you sort that out without getting married? Life insurance, wills and tenancy agreements? If he won't talk about this you have much bigger problems.

Cambionome · 26/08/2019 08:38

Good post from drinkstea.

Have you thought about the possible financial and legal implications of not being married, op? Not trying to sound patronising but it is worth thinking about.

Namenic · 26/08/2019 08:44

Does he like holidays - they are expensive and a ‘waste’, would be spend on a big birthday party or go with friends on a night out? All are ‘waste’ but they are social things that people enjoy. I would say it is important to get married for the legal protections so do it anyway. He is being unreasonable to not to want something small - could be a bring and share tea somewhere - doesn’t have to be expensive.

Original poster
noweddingforme · 26/08/2019 08:50

Yes I have already been through a separation where we were not married and ultimately I would have been worse off if we had been married.

He would agree to getting married however with no fuss & that’s the part I am disappointed about.

OP posts:
ChuckleBuckles · 26/08/2019 09:01

Which is the bigger waste for you OP, money spent on a wedding or a lifetime spent with a man who does not care what you want and is unwilling to meet you half way?

Fonduefrolics · 26/08/2019 09:28

It is actually cheaper to get married in a small room with only 2 witnesses (£57 plus £30 booking fee where I was wed) as opposed to £250 plus £30 for 70 guests. I couldn’t afford a massive fairytale wedding wedding so went with what I could pay for myself -70 guests and pub after. I’d be trying to get to the bottom of why he wants a small wedding - are you both skint, does he not like a fuss or is this about him getting his own way? As a PP said, what about all the other life events you may wish to celebrate - honeymoon, Christening, significant birthdays...any room for compromise here or is it his way or the highway?