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Original poster

Having to accept I will never have a wedding

75 replies

noweddingforme · 25/08/2019 19:51

DP has made it very clear he would consider spending anymore that the cost of 4 people in a registry office a waste of money & people only spend more than that because of social media.

I know there’s more to life than a wedding day but wondering wether to just ‘file’ the idea away

I wouldn’t want anything lavish, just a party with family and friends.

OP posts:

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 26/08/2019 09:47

Why does he have to give in and if he doesn’t he’s in the wrong? He wants to marry you but doesn’t want a wedding. If you actually do want to marry him surely that’s enough.

You don’t sound compatible though money wise and that usually ends in disaster.

AMAM8916 · 26/08/2019 11:18

Most people don't have a big wedding in order to show off or put it on social media. Most people have a big wedding to create memories with their friends and family, have a good meal together and for everyone to get dressed up and enjoy the day to celebrate two people making vows and coming together as a legal partnership.

I had a fairly big wedding and I barely remember the ceremony because of nerves and how quick it was. I do however remember the meal and the party afterwards and how happy everyone was. It's the big meal and party that most people remember I find because it lasts longer.

If his attitude is that he doesn't want to spend money on making good memories with a wedding or a holiday, what kind of life does he want? Where money is only spent on practical things? That is no way to live. You can't take money with you when you go but obviously it's sensible not to go wild in life so that your kids have something when you do go.

I think weddings, holidays and parties tend to be the things we look at photos of and remember the fond times. Of course we look at photos of every day life too where we've taken snaps of the kids in the paddling pool etc but it's nice to fondly remember a wedding or holiday, especially in times where you can't afford a holiday that year or times are tough.

If he can't meet you in the middle on this and the holiday, what else will he not meet you in the middle on? I actually work solely so me, DH and DS can have a good holiday every year, go out for meals and have nice days out. We could cope with me not working if we didn't want those things and just wanted to eat, have a roof over our heads and lead a modest life. But I want my DS to grow up and be like remember that holiday we had in X year and remember that time we went to that theme park and dad was too scared to go on the rollercoaster. Without these things, what do the kids have to remember?

TheStuffedPenguin · 26/08/2019 11:33

He dies realise doesn't he, that people has big weddings before the advent of social media?

Not to the extent of now- all these hen parties to far off places and photos of bridesmaids and bride getting ready with Mrs etc on all the robes, the chair stuff, the table stuff, the groom etc socks , etc etc etc , it is all to excess . Tens of thousands spent on one day and yes I think it is all encouraged by social media - the same with all these make up groups ,clothes groups etc on FB . Spend, spend with no thought of tomorrow .

1300cakes · 26/08/2019 12:45

I think you should meet in the middle. It isn't a choice between "in the smallest room at the registry office, wearing tracksuits" and "an extravaganza that would put a kardashian wedding to shame".

As for it being a waste, that's a matter of opinion. I assume he never goes out, isn't a member of a gym or anything, owns the cheapest car available or no car, shops exclusively at thrift stores and cooks every meal from scratch. Anything else would be a waste, right?

Nautiloid · 26/08/2019 13:53

15 years ago I had a big wedding. It was a great day but...and I know it's easy for me to say having had it...but given my time again I wouldn't bother.
Loads of stress and expense for one day that passes in a flash and is nothing to do with actual marriage.

tribpot · 26/08/2019 14:42

So you could use your savings to pay for the wedding but you prefer to use them to take the kids on a big holiday? (I'm not criticising, that's what I would do too).

The fact he doesn't want to spend money on that either makes me wonder what he does want to spend money on. Is he the children's father?

bobsyourauntie · 26/08/2019 14:47

Can you not reach some sort of compromise with him, where you have a very small actual wedding ceremony, and then just have a party later on that day or another day? That way, you wouldn't have to have the reception, but you could have a party to celebrate? It wouldn't have to cost a lot then, just hire of a venue and a band/disco depending on funds.

Original poster

noweddingforme · 26/08/2019 15:10

bobsyourauntie that’s exactly the type of wedding I would want.

OP posts:

Original poster

noweddingforme · 26/08/2019 15:11

tribpot he wants to get things done in the house - which I do too but I would also like a wedding.

OP posts:

123344user · 26/08/2019 15:38

As someone who literally did get married "in the smallest room at the registry office, wearing tracksuits" - we at least took the witnesses out for a meal!

blahblahblahblahhh · 26/08/2019 15:40

I had a massive wedding party 300 guests local village hall and bbq.
Total cost for everything including church ceremony, decor, cake, dress and two week honeymoon was £6k.
Would have cost me a 4K without a honeymoon.

blahblahblahblahhh · 26/08/2019 15:42

It is entirely possible to do things very cheap

KeepStill · 26/08/2019 15:45

I agree with your DP. DP wanted to get married and have a big wedding, whereas I didn’t want to get married at all — my compromise was to agree to a marriage, but no wedding — just us with two friends as witnesses and no rings, flowers, music etc. We did go for a wonderful lunch afterwards, though...

OhTheRoses · 26/08/2019 15:58

Hmm. Mixed feelings here. Nearly 30 years ago DH proposed. I just wanted to marry him and would have been happy with a registry office and lunch for closest rellys. He wanted the "white" wedding. His family were practising Christians.

So, we had one. 100 guests. Proper formal invitations, proper order of service, tent, sit down meal, paid bar (fizz, pimms and beer flowed), cake, ribbony albeit family cars, flowers and more flowers from the garden, photos, string quartet, early bow cover things on chairs. Cost about £7k all up in 1991.

What surprised me and hit me for six was the spirituality of the vows and blessing of the rings before God. It was breathtaking. I still get emotional about it and there began a Christian journey. Unsought, unexpected. Nothing to do with a wedding; everything to do with a marriage and something sacred.

Why did I arrive there? Because I compromise and did what my partner wanted. 28 years on op.......... There have been a lot of compromises, underpinned by a very sound marriage.

Hope some of that makes sense. Good luck.

Oysterbabe · 26/08/2019 16:56

Is he generally very frugal or is it just over this? Do you think he actually wants to get married? I had a pretty small wedding, just family and close friends, ceremony and reception in a hotel. It was lovely. There is a significant middle ground between both of your ideals that surely he should entertain.

MulticolourMophead · 26/08/2019 17:47

There is a middle ground between just the ceremony at the register office, and a lavish do costing tens of thousands.

And most weddings fall in there, somewhere along the middle gound.

We've had a few weddings in the family in the last 2-3 years. Full of family and friends, not massive expensive occasions, but we had a good time. Very little went up on SM, the days were all about celebrating with the couple. (And I know one of the fathers well, always has an eye for a bargain, can guarantee the wedding wasn't a massive expense.)

That your DP isn't willing to compromise, or even talk about it, strikes me as a red flag. As did the comment about you emotionally blackmailing him when you tried to talk. I don't think there was any emotional blackmail from you, unless you were trying to browbeat him into said lavish wedding. And I'm not getting that vibe from you.

That he isn't interested in the idea of spending money on a holiday for the DC isn't good either. He wants everything his own way and isn't bothered about your feelings.

OP, I think you need to take some time to see if this relationship is right for you. You say you discuss all joint purchases, etc, but who actually gets what they want from these discussions? Has your DP ever changed his mind and agreed with your POV? On these discussions, or anything, really? Are you the one doing all the compromising?

I ask these questions not to get an answer myself, but to give you things to think about.

Shoxfordian · 26/08/2019 18:58

He seems unreasonable
If marriage matters to you then you should tell him it's important and its what you want. Doesn't seem like you always stand up for yourself

KeepStill · 26/08/2019 19:23

If marriage matters to you then you should tell him it's important and its what you want.

But he's fine with marriage. It's a wedding he doesn't want.

Londongirl07 · 26/08/2019 23:28

If it was a woman saying she wants to get married but not the wedding a lot people will be saying the husband to be needs to respect her decision.

At the end of the day you’re lucky he wants to marry you at all!

I’m not trying to be rude, but do you want a marriage or a party? If you truly love him surely being committed in marriage is what’s important. Not an overpriced party that lasts less than 24 hours.

If he is being sensible with the money you should be happy rather than having a man splashing the cash and putting your family in a financial situation

GreenTulips · 26/08/2019 23:34

Can you not just get married on the big holiday (I’m assuming Disney land?)

Then have a summer BBQ?

We had a small wedding because we already had children and a house - seemed a waste of money really.

DulciUke · 27/08/2019 03:15

He sounds like a tightwad and the fact that he refuses to compromise is a red flag to me. What other things is he going to refuse to pay for in the future? Are you prepared to spend all of your holidays without him? If one of your kids wants to get Into sport or some other hobby, will he view that as a waste of money? I think that you need a broader conversation than just the wedding because it sounds like you have different feelings re finances. It's fine that he wants to save for work on the house, but what would happen if you told him that it was ok to renovate this part of the house, but not that? How would he react if you were the one telling him what the money could be spent on?

Toneitdown · 27/08/2019 04:24

You should be able to compromise and meet in the middle somewhere. If he isn't prepared to compromise at all on something that's important to you then that's a sign you shouldn't be getting married.

MulticolourMophead · 27/08/2019 19:48

If it was a woman saying she wants to get married but not the wedding a lot people will be saying the husband to be needs to respect her decision.

No, I wouldn't. I'd say the same. A marriage and wedding should be something discussed between the couple, and a fair compromise reached. Not one side dictating.

timeisnotaline · 27/08/2019 19:57

What if you wanted a big birthday party op? Could you get married at the registry with witnesses the day before having a big birthday party?

At the end of the day you’re lucky he wants to marry you at all!
What big hairy steaming bollocks. I’m sure he is lucky to have you.

june2007 · 27/08/2019 19:57

For me I love being part of someones special day, start of a new journey witnessing people commit to each other ect. However if your worried about Money, or you already live together then keep it small. I would rather a registry offie wedding then no wedding.

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