Is it normal to be shouted at in a relationship?

[Donotlikeloudnoise]

Just that really, as I am losing grip of what is acceptable and what is not. DP has angry outbursts, 2 this month,both in front of DC. Takes me the rest of the day to get over it

I think it's quite normal for someone to lose their rag once in a while. I certainly have. Shouting isn't pleasant but it's hardly on the same spectrum as physically lashing out. My dp has shouted at me a handful of times and each time I've remained calm and asked him not to speak to me like that and once he's calmed down he has always apologised.

I think people sometimes lose sight of reality on here. It's a loud decibel, it's not abuse

Having said that I suppose someone constantly shouting and using it as a form of fear and control is a different matter.

I get shouted and sworn at a lot at work... i would not tolerate it again in my home life. My exH was a shouter, and we all walked on eggshells around him. My current partner is very calm and gentle and softly-spoken.

I'm sure you'll get a lot of 'its abuse' on here but actually anger is a perfectly acceptable emotion to have. It's something he needs to be careful of in front of children because, as you say, it's scaring them.

I would be more worried about why he's shouting, I'd tell my husband to do one shouting at me for not cleaning the kitchen!

Your DS agrees with your DP all the time for one reason and one reason only. He is frightened of him and his outbursts.

This is no way to live and you don't have to put up with it. I agree with other PPs in that if you want to go to counselling, then go by yourself. Never go to joint counselling if you are in an abusive relationship.

Do you really want your DS to learn that this is how to treat women?

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

He has created a really fucked up dynamic with your son - you need to get him out of there. Even if he has access, at least you can reach your son what is right and open his eyes up to his father's behaviour. He may even benefit from counselling.

@NeatFreakMama - yes it is a healthy emotion if someone is threatening you, your loved ones or something extremely precious to you. But it's really not healthy at all to shout in every day life. It should be a rare emotion expressed only when valid. To rant about kitchen tidiness is abuse.He could shut up and tidy it himself.

My ex used to shout and call names as well as picking ridiculous bits out of apparent thin air to argue about. I would not say abusive exactly but definitely not a healthy relationship. My DP does not shout. I could understand shouting as a fear/ anger reaction in certain circumstances but would not expect to be shouted at iyswim

@GilbertMarkham
Thank you for the link. I shall read some tomorrow when I get a chance.
I'm especially interested in how things seem normal and fine for a while (like today) which makes you think it's ok.

Read that link someone posted 'why do they do it'
I have been for the last few days and it has changed everything
I knew i was in a shit relationship with what I thought was mild elements of abuse
But now I know it's full blown abuse mainly thanks to that book
I have to leave
Unlike you I can't afford to leave yet
One day hopefully but for now I'm trapped
So if I could afford it I would be gone tomorrow!
Stay strong x

Wow. I just read the abuser as parent chapter and my blood turned cold. Some of the really weird specific details were straight from my childhood. I had no idea my dad was so text book in his abuse. That has actually shocked me.

@ milliefiori I disagree that it's not healthy to show anger, it's such a demonized emotion. If he's angry, he's angry but it's the expression of the anger. I also think everything gets labelled abuse here quickly, being angry and showing someone you trust that is not always abuse.

How are you doing OP? Another one here saying no, this is not normal. If my DP shouted at me for a messy kitchen I would tell him to fuck off and go and live with his mother then.

@ floating Object
Just in a state of confusion and exhaustion. Everything is calm at the moment so beginning to think I am exaggerating x

I wish I had a good friend to confide in and listen to the tape (s) to put it in perspective

So today this happened. DP woke up and said how about a cuddle and a shag. Now stormed off because I don't want sex.
Like I should want to after all the shouting etc Thing is some of this is my fault, I just can't face being intimate after the constant cristism about my weight,it's just non stop. Comparing me to other women ..how they make an effort and I don't.

It's been ongoing for years unfortunately and I can see his point, but it's like a vicious circle

He says any man would be the same in a sexless 'relationship'......

Also, the thing is he never just wants a cuddle, which would be nice. There is always the pressure there for sex

💐 please leave

You need to leave him. He is a bad, bad man.

But the sex bit is my fault. Also need HRT as my sex drive has gone completely. I'm seeing a counsellor to sort my head out

Errrmmm, no, the sex bit is not your fault. No normal person would go from being abused to ‘yeah, let’s have a shag, why not, since we’re getting on so well’.