Is it normal to be shouted at in a relationship?

[Donotlikeloudnoise]

Just that really, as I am losing grip of what is acceptable and what is not. DP has angry outbursts, 2 this month,both in front of DC. Takes me the rest of the day to get over it

I did try the domestic violence line Attila..I think I dialled the wrong number as they said I was not high risk. The other line was busy. I will try Tuesday

Maybe once or twice in a marriage, over something thing big. But not on a regular basis no. Being very critical of your son too is a big red flag.

And the whole asking your kid if he scared him by shouting, when youve told him that's what happened. The point behind that is to show you he doesn't take you at your word. I knew someone that did things like this a lot. I would tell her something I knew and she would go 'I'll google it' ect... (basically 'I don't believe you'). It is part of 'crazy-making' where their ultimate aim is to get you to doubt yourself.

Just posting so I get a bit of a kick to actually do something, as I've been here before and backed down. This time I'm trying to let people know to give me a bit more confidence

Pinkbonbon
Yes I am full of self doubt. I think there is some coercive control going on here as well. Isolation for example and making me feel crap about how I look, and what I wear

No, it isn't normal but if you stay, your son will start to think it is.

Can I ask why you are NC with your family? Often abusive men will try to isolate you from any support network so that you are easier to control.

Does any of this ring true?

What are your options house and job wide? Do you work, have you got rented or bought house, have you got access to money to rent somewhere?

Well you don't need to doubt yourself any longer because we can see it too! Your feelings are perfectly valid and you are entitled to feel them, remember that.

If he's making you feel like shit about yourself and already starting the same on the kid by the sound of it, it's time to go.

Start thinking about the practicality of things. Don't get hung up on the worries if 'what if', everything can be fixed and dealt with slowly but surely once you are free of him. Just start making some plans. Havea wee word with woman's aid as they might have good advice for next steps.

Ok. I'm not NC with my family, but not local. He has fallen out with my family
Jaffacakes. Could only listen to the first bit ..but 1. He cannot tolerate being criticized and 2. If throws a complete tantrum if things do not go his way.
We are not married. Joint own house. I could afford somewhere small on my own, so lucky on that front..
Huge problem is DS. He will agree with anything DP says. I'm worried he would choose to live with DP just to keep the peace

No it’s not normal

How old is ds? If he is a teen and chooses to stay with dad then chances are he'll soon get sick of it. And if he's still a child, any judge is probably more likely to favor him staying with you anyway, especially considering you're capable of supporting. Best at least to have an environment where you and your son can be totally free of this man whatever happens. A safe space.

DS is just about to start secondary, so big change already
So worried as what he says to me in private is not what he will say to his dad.
Has also got to the point where he will pick up on something I have done 'wrong' and tell his dad. As if to get favour from him

He has fallen out with my family he has likely done this to isolate you. Are you able to contact them at all for emotional support even though you don't live close? If you had a good relationship with them prior to meeting your P then I'm sure they would be relieved you are reaching out. I would still recommend your local womens centre. They often do drop in clinics.

If alot of the video link rings too then you are likely dealing with a narcissist and definitely being emotionally abused (even without the video but that youtuber has some other excellent ones)

How old is your DS? If you believe he would say he wants to live with his dad out of fear then you can tell Cafcass that and they should take your concerns seriously. I would start documenting the abuse so you can later prove it if needed.

Look up the coercive control law and see if any of it applies to your situation. If it does, call the police and report him.

He is verbally abusing you and abusing your DS by making him witness it. I can attest first hand how damaging that is for children.

Pinkbonbon
Would it have to go to court ?
Thought in most cases custody is shared.
I have no objection to this, they seem to be ok with me out of the picture

Jaffacakes
Thank you

I have taped evidence
I play it sometimes to show myself I'm not imagining it ,,

Has also got to the point where he will pick up on something I have done 'wrong' and tell his dad. As if to get favour from him sad

My exH was a very abusive (and narcissistic man) and he set up that dynamic with my children. Are you sure he's not telling your son to report back to him? My ex used to go over every incident with my DS's telling them how I had behaved badly and was a liar etc etc and would make them tell him what I was doing. They would be hit if they didnt (found out all of this later). They used to say they wanted to visit their dad when in reality they were terrified of him. You need to step in and protect your son as I worry there is so much more to this that he hasnt told you. Don't make the same mistake I did in thinking he would never abuse his children

Wouldn't need to go to court unless you wanted to.

I'd say move back with the fam as they're far away but maybe not if they aren't supportive.

Just thinking, is he the sorta person that would actually want to do most of the caring for your son? Betting he'd rather you did it, despite what he might say.

your DS is already suffering because of his father, as well as you, you both deserve and need better
as previous posters have said, think about what your DS is learning about relationships and more generally about how to be a man

keep a diary, and save all texts

they seem to be ok with me out of the picture do you mean 'D'P and DS? I hope not, your son sounds in thrall to a bully. If this is his only role model its not ideal

If you get on okay with your family could you sign your DS into a school there and stay with them until you can get yourself a place? Before he settles into the new school. Or is it difficult for work?

Bionic
Yes, they seem like a team on their own. I genuinely think DS tells me everything. There have been a couple of instances ..ie a bit Draconian spending a lot of time practising handwriting when not up to scratch (think the quick brown fox etc written on a page of A4) but not generally too bad
Am I trivialising that too

I'm not sure about moving to family. DM has some strange ideas re relationships. (Just says she's sure there are people worse off!)
DS is in area too expensive and I'd struggle to get a school place

Life is too short to live like this. Please please please leave him. Your lovely boy shouldn’t be around all this hum

My XH shouted at me. And then at the children when they came along. His own father is a horrible, angry man who shouts at his wife and children.

I am glad my children will not see it as normal, and prefer to be alone than have that in my life.

After he left, about a month later, I realised I used to cry nearly every day at the shouting. Never again!