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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it normal to be shouted at in a relationship?

98 replies

Donotlikeloudnoise · 24/08/2019 17:52

Just that really, as I am losing grip of what is acceptable and what is not. DP has angry outbursts, 2 this month,both in front of DC. Takes me the rest of the day to get over it

OP posts:
Original poster
Donotlikeloudnoise · 24/08/2019 19:25

I'm going to take strength from the words here. I just wish I could magic myself out

OP posts:
Original poster
Donotlikeloudnoise · 24/08/2019 19:26

Picklejam Flowers

OP posts:
sackrifice · 24/08/2019 19:27

He will agree with anything DP says

He's probably petrified of him.

ThirdThoughts · 24/08/2019 21:19

It's the dynamic that having someone controlling and unpredictably explosive in the home, they become the sun that everyone revolves around plus the tiptoeing on eggshells thing.

I remember in counselling I talked a lot about my dad. A lot. He took up a lot of my head space as I would get myself in knots about things he had said or done, or how I had felt or what I had done to deserve the way he treated me.

When I was asked about my mum I was stumped for anything to say for a long time. I realise now that she was emotionally unavailable and busy with my siblings and that I am a bit angry with her for staying with him.

But because I had to be hyperaware of my dad's moods for emotional self preservation he sucked up all of my attention and headspace. I was always second guessing myself worried I would upset him.

I think that if you seperated, although your son will still feel some turmoil in his relationship with his dad - that having a home away from that will give him some space to help him dissengage from that gravitational pull. If you leave and he ends up spending a lot of time with his dad, at least he still has a life raft in you and a seperate home. But you might find that you ending the relationship and living free of his drama and intimidation gives your son the permission and example to do the same.

Good luck x

LittleMy20 · 24/08/2019 21:24

OP my stbxh used to call me a f**g c*t and the same evening he’d have his feet up laughing and watching tv like nothing had happened when i would walk around all week like my guts had been scooped out. How ling does it take him to get over?

Original poster
Donotlikeloudnoise · 24/08/2019 22:34

Third thoughts.... I had thought exactly the same about having a safe space for DS

OP posts:
Wellhelloxx11xx · 24/08/2019 22:35

No. Shouting is abuse.

tobedtoMNandfart · 24/08/2019 22:40

No. It's verbal abuse. Your DS should be removed from a situation in which he feels fear.

Original poster
Donotlikeloudnoise · 25/08/2019 13:41

Attila
Just because you seem to know a bit about coercive control and abuse...do you think couple counselling would help??

OP posts:
Original poster
Donotlikeloudnoise · 25/08/2019 13:41

Or would he become the victim? As is likely x

OP posts:
Mabelface · 25/08/2019 13:48

Couples counselling isn't recommended where there's abuse in a relationship. It'll just be another stick to beat you with. The only way to end this is to leave him, and you really need to do this soon for you and your kids. You absolutely don't want your kids to think this is normal, because it really isn't. You don't need anyone's permission to go either, this is your decision to make.

tobedtoMNandfart · 25/08/2019 13:55

@AttilaTheMeerkat is a regular and valued poster. She never advocated couples counselling with an abuser.

Pinkbonbon · 25/08/2019 13:57

Agree with above poster. Plus counciling council one doesn't make a shitty person less shitty. A person who lacks empathy doesn't just develop it because someone tells them to.

Relationship counciling might work for two healthy adults in a marriage which has certain issues. This is not that though.

At best abusers just learn to mask the fact that they are abusive for longer. Which means bad news for the poor next woman that comes along...

StoatofDisarray · 25/08/2019 13:59

I've been with my partner for 34 years and I can count the times he has raised his voice to me on one hand. He has never actually shouted at me.

Original poster
Donotlikeloudnoise · 25/08/2019 14:00

I had a feeling that might be the case. He is very good at twisting things so that I look to be the unreasonable one.
If I were to try and area counsellor,what would you look for in their blurb. Many many years ago I went to relate and the woman spent ages telling me to put my hair up to look nice for him in the evenings Shock

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 25/08/2019 14:02

Get counciling for yourself. Not together. Abusers don't change with counciling, there is something in them fundamentally lacking and that can't be fixed.

Original poster
Donotlikeloudnoise · 25/08/2019 14:04

I meant counselling for myself in the last post. Just to give me some guidance

OP posts:
milliefiori · 25/08/2019 14:07

No. My dad screamed his way through our childhood. It left scars. I was a bit shouty when we first married because that was my normal. DH helped me get on an even keel. We never shout now. In 25 years we've had about 4 big rows and all were made up within the hour and explained to DC, so they could see that it's possible to quickly de-escalate a row and get back to happiness and calm.

It took me decades to realise that shouting is abuse.

Original poster
Donotlikeloudnoise · 25/08/2019 14:40

@millie
It stems from his shouting father Sad I think and a sad childhood. But no excuse really

OP posts:
milliefiori · 25/08/2019 15:35

You're right, it's not an excuse, but it is a valid reason. If that's the root, explain to him that how he was treated is abusive and not normal. It's unacceptable and he needs to break the cycle. Honestly, one of the things I'm proudest of in my life is breaking the cycle of abuse in our family by absolutely dedicating all my energy to being a calm, supportive, attentive and loving mum. I learned how to do it from books! It's up to your DP if he wants to or not, but he has to see the choice is now his.

Femodene · 25/08/2019 20:54

You aren’t married, so you can leave, and you said you can afford to, so there’s no reason to make your kid live in an abusing household any longer, your child will need a lot of counselling and probably CBT etc to deal with having cortisol and adrenaline flooding his developing brain for years and the feelings of fear, helplessness and rage that is his ‘normal’. He’s used to walking on eggshells and pandering to the abuser and that damages us children of abusers for life, I don’t bother with my mother, personally, she was ‘tooscared’ to leave her first husband, and so I was subjected to abuse by default, which has damaged me for life, my body was primed to be in fight or flight mode since infancy, to try to protect the woman who was meant to be parenting me, to be furious at the abuser, and then my mother for failing me. Don’t try to analyse your shitty boyfriend, just discard him as the trash he is.

user1479305498 · 25/08/2019 21:06

My H shouts a lot but it’s more random frustration, shouting into space really rather than at me when something goes wrong. I’m quite a placid person so initially I found it quite upsetting and made me feel uptight, I have gotten used to it but to be honest it still bothers me.

Moffa · 25/08/2019 21:21

@Femodene I’m so sad & sorry to read your post about your childhood but it has made me feel positive about leaving my horribly abusive husband 5 months ago (with my 2 children aged 4 & 2). I couldn’t let them live in that environment anymore. I know when they are older they will question my choices but I know I’m doing this for them (as well as me). I’ve had therapy with a specialist in domestic abuse (on the NHS) and I’ve got a place in the Freedom Program starting in September. We are battling through divorce but I can’t wait to be free!
Good luck everyone on here FlowersWineBrew xxx

2Rebecca · 25/08/2019 21:55

No man would shout at me more than once. Some couple seem to theive on loud, usually drunken rows. We had neighbours like this.
If a man can't calmly discuss issues then he's not the man for me. I want a man to make my life better, not worse

Secondsight · 26/08/2019 07:46

Shouting from time to time isn't a deal breaker for all. It sounds as if no one has shouted ever by you posters. I've heard alot of arguments and slanging matches in my time between neighbours etc. Only you know the context though.