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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Does the feeling of "inequality" ever go away?

72 replies

Chessandcheckers · 24/08/2019 15:36

I love my DP very much he's the love of my life of that I'm sure. But we come from such different backgrounds it's sometimes hard. I had a classic middle class upbringing, DM went to into get a history degree, DF has two degrees and owns a successful business. My DS went on to get a PhD and married a professor. I plan to also start my PhD next year but more as a personal achievement than anything else. I speak 3 languages and I'm currently underemployed, but hopefully things will pick up once ML is over. My DP on the other hand only finished secondary school and has a manual job. He sometimes tells me that I have "big dreams" and that I'm not that special (in career terms) but I really beg to differ. I still pay for 2/3s of our bills and I'm ok with it, if the gender roles were reversed nobody would bat an eyelid.
I've already told him that putting me down career wise isn't very nice and he shouldn't do it. I never tell.him.he has a dead end job or out him.down for his dreams of one day having his own business.

Because of all the financial implications I don't plan to marry him, at least not for some time. I think sometimes I'm being materialistic but my exH was a jerk about it and ended up with not a lot of a settlement but at least got our joint assets secured into a trust for our DD.

My family loves my DP but is always suspicious that he always thinks about his DC (my DSC) before me. For example, when we all moved together, o thought it was sensible to just buy whatever we could but he was adamant it had to be all set up by the time we all moved in. He also once used my CC without my permission to buy his son a phone he had already promised to him.

I paid for his car and now we're buying a house. I plan to set it up as tenants in common, in the end it's a sensible idea, the majority of bills are covered by me, and a mortgage is much lower than rent.

Part of the ongoing issue is that his DS (who is glued to his phone to his DM and her boyfriend) won't share a room with the baby so we have to get a bigger house. My DD on the other hand complains about not having her own room.

As a family we actually live a very nice and peaceful life, but sometimes I feel like he's taking advantage of me. I do think that's just down to how different our backgrounds and incomes are. Apart from the furniture incident (and the credit card one) he's never seemed to be in just for the money. When I explain things to him (like when he had the idea of just having one room as diner and lounge with no space for my desk) he always understands and we just move on from it.
Then my DM is sure his exW will only demand more money from him (which is understandable) in fact she did but he just said no.

Am I being silly for feeling this way? I think it's completely natural and just something that is bound to happen when your lives are so different.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 24/08/2019 15:42

Your DP doesn’t sound good.

BlockedAndDeleted · 24/08/2019 15:48

He stole from you to buy his son luxury goods?

That’s a deal breaker - you should’ve reported him to the police.

His son takes precedence over your daughter?

He regularly demeans and degrades you?

Why have you not dumped his arse?

Let alone buy a fucking house with him - is this the role model you want to be for you daughter?

Sexnotgender · 24/08/2019 15:51

He doesn’t sound like a nice man!

aweedropofsancerre · 24/08/2019 15:58

He isn’t in it for the money? He stole from you, he pays less than you and has a lovely lifestyle due to you. Your DD doesn’t have her own room and your getting a bigger house because his DS doesn’t want to share his room with a baby? Did I read that right? Why are they in your house? You need to wake up

Chessandcheckers · 24/08/2019 15:59

I wouldn't call it degrading, but I was unemployed for some time thinking that I would always find something relevant/worth of my time and never did. He thinks he's being realistic by telling me many other people can do what I do. We live in a county with no real career opportunities for someone of my background.

The credit card thing I wouldn't call stealing per se as I willingly gave him my credit card to buy groceries as I was getting tired of the "could you pass me the card to get x,y,z from the supermarket". He simply decided to use my CC instead of telling his DS that his mother haven't given her half for the phone. He claims he really didn't think too much about it when he did it, he just did. He also bought Bday present with said CC and some ticket to a concert I would never be able to attend.

OP posts:
Jaffacakesaremyfave · 24/08/2019 16:00

He sounds emotionally abusive. Putting you down about your career is devaluing and it's done to chip away at your self esteem so that you are easier to control. Can you think of other instances where he does this even if its disguised as jokes? I bet he's very jealous of you too because he is less financially and academically successful. Stealing from you and expecting you to contribute more than him financially is entitlement and shows he quite frankly doesn't care about you.

Lots of narcissistic traits here OP. This thread explains it better than I can

www.quora.com/How-can-you-identify-a-narcissist/answer/Axl-Salvator?ch=99&share=c0b0a0a1&srid=p2Jj8

BlockedAndDeleted · 24/08/2019 16:02

This. Is. Not. Normal. Or. Healthy. Behaviour.

Chessandcheckers · 24/08/2019 16:04

He can't afford to be equals. All his money is spent in commuting, previous debts and CM. He genuinely gives as much as he can. I've taken control now and we have a budget for joint bills and that's it. I refused to help with any expenses for his kids.

Yes, my DD is not getting her own room because she's close in age to his DD. I have no real complaints about that, but I do about how his son can't share with a baby. He's very insecure his son will walk away and never come back.

OP posts:
ralphfromlordoftheflies · 24/08/2019 16:04

Cheeky bastard. Also, your poor kids watching someone else's kids get special treatment whilst they have to suck things up.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/08/2019 16:06

He puts you down, tells you you're nothing special, uses your credit card without permission, (which IS stealing), freeloads off you, and yet he's the "love of your life?" Really?

You need to raise the bar because yours is currently on the floor. Why on earth are your standards so appallingly low?

Omgnamechange · 24/08/2019 16:06

In answer to the original question, I don’t think so.

aweedropofsancerre · 24/08/2019 16:06

His money goes on previous debts and CM? He certainly has fallen in his feet with you as has his son!

Loopytiles · 24/08/2019 16:07

Prioritise your DC over your relationship.

BlockedAndDeleted · 24/08/2019 16:13

The reason he constantly degraded you is to keep your esteem below rock bottom (pp said on the floor, I think she was being optimistic).

That way you won’t wake up and realise you deserve much more and could easy achieve it by yourself without this albatross around your neck.

That way he and his kids keep their meal ticket.

This man does not love you.

He loves controlling you.

He loves what you provide for him and his kids.

He loves not having to take any responsibility.

You are teaching your daughter this is what women deserve.

Put the house buying on ice and get some counselling.

At least you’re not married I guess that’s a blessing.

CaMePlaitPas · 24/08/2019 16:16

You need to apply your personal high standards to your relationships too OP. All that learning and you can't see you're flogging a dead horse.

Pinkbonbon · 24/08/2019 16:16

Why would you want to spend any of your life with someone who belittles your achievements and says you are nothing special? Nah, HE is nothing special. You deserve better. Don't buy a house with this tool. Get shot. He already puts you down and steals from you. Just because times are good sometimes, doesn't outweigh the the fact he is a total shit.

You should never find yourself explaining to someone why their behaviour or comments are cruel. If you do - you are with someone who lacks empathy. And that isn't fixable. It isn't up to you to explain, he gets it, he just doesn't care. He wants you to feel insignificant because he doesn't like you. He doesn't like you because you value yourself and your own self worth. He wanted to hurt you with those comments. Why stay with someone who wants to hurt you? Don't make any more excuses for that shit.

Chessandcheckers · 24/08/2019 16:18

My DDs only loss has been her room. Apart from that she's kept exactly the same lifestyle as before. As an only child she's had to learn to share (again not a bad thing) .

OP posts:
GloriousMystery · 24/08/2019 16:20

So you and your children have a considerably less pleasant life because you have blended your family with this man's, and presumably are stuck in a place with no opportunities for you because of his work?

Why? What's in it for you? He gets a meal ticket, and you get someone taking advantage of you financially and who puts you down continually, despite the fact that you're bankrolling him? You're realistic enough not to marry him and compromise your children's financial future, but you're still saying he's the 'love of your life'?

What is really standing out for me from your posts, though, is that you're working in a job that doesn't use your education, and is this related? are in a longterm relationship with someone who doesn't appreciate you. Why don't you feel you're worth more than this in both cases?

TheInebriati · 24/08/2019 16:20

He stole from you and he puts you down to your face.

How bad does it have to get?

BlockedAndDeleted · 24/08/2019 16:21

That’s a pretty fucking big lossz

Teaching women they have to comprise while the male’s preferences are pandered to is wider lesson that she’ll take-away.

Anyway, feels like you clearly not ready to address the real issues?

Loopytiles · 24/08/2019 16:22

Why do you live where you do when there are poor employment prospects for someone with your qualifications?

GloriousMystery · 24/08/2019 16:23

The loss of a room, especially for an old child, is a huge thing!

aweedropofsancerre · 24/08/2019 16:23

So you don’t mind living with a man who puts you down? Your DD doesn’t have her own room and your only retort is to say it’s good for her to understand sharing as she is on only DC yet his DS needs two rooms as he doesn’t want to share one with his own DC. Your prioritising his DC and your DD I have no doubt will feel the same. The person who will likely leave and not return is your DD not his DC... I think you really need to wake up and think how this arrangement is impacting on your DD

GloriousMystery · 24/08/2019 16:23

Only child, not own child.

Ilikethisone · 24/08/2019 16:25

OP you posted about this when he used you cards. Its not ok. Wasnt then, isnt now.

Why are there so many women on mn recently, doing well for themseleves, letting men take the piss out of them.

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