Does the feeling of "inequality" ever go away?

[Chessandcheckers]

I love my DP very much he's the love of my life of that I'm sure. But we come from such different backgrounds it's sometimes hard. I had a classic middle class upbringing, DM went to into get a history degree, DF has two degrees and owns a successful business. My DS went on to get a PhD and married a professor. I plan to also start my PhD next year but more as a personal achievement than anything else. I speak 3 languages and I'm currently underemployed, but hopefully things will pick up once ML is over. My DP on the other hand only finished secondary school and has a manual job. He sometimes tells me that I have "big dreams" and that I'm not that special (in career terms) but I really beg to differ. I still pay for 2/3s of our bills and I'm ok with it, if the gender roles were reversed nobody would bat an eyelid.
I've already told him that putting me down career wise isn't very nice and he shouldn't do it. I never tell.him.he has a dead end job or out him.down for his dreams of one day having his own business.

Because of all the financial implications I don't plan to marry him, at least not for some time. I think sometimes I'm being materialistic but my exH was a jerk about it and ended up with not a lot of a settlement but at least got our joint assets secured into a trust for our DD.

My family loves my DP but is always suspicious that he always thinks about his DC (my DSC) before me. For example, when we all moved together, o thought it was sensible to just buy whatever we could but he was adamant it had to be all set up by the time we all moved in. He also once used my CC without my permission to buy his son a phone he had already promised to him.

I paid for his car and now we're buying a house. I plan to set it up as tenants in common, in the end it's a sensible idea, the majority of bills are covered by me, and a mortgage is much lower than rent.

Part of the ongoing issue is that his DS (who is glued to his phone to his DM and her boyfriend) won't share a room with the baby so we have to get a bigger house. My DD on the other hand complains about not having her own room.

As a family we actually live a very nice and peaceful life, but sometimes I feel like he's taking advantage of me. I do think that's just down to how different our backgrounds and incomes are. Apart from the furniture incident (and the credit card one) he's never seemed to be in just for the money. When I explain things to him (like when he had the idea of just having one room as diner and lounge with no space for my desk) he always understands and we just move on from it.
Then my DM is sure his exW will only demand more money from him (which is understandable) in fact she did but he just said no.

Am I being silly for feeling this way? I think it's completely natural and just something that is bound to happen when your lives are so different.

And again, dp earns less than me but it never feels unequal.

And given this is the second post about OP feeling uncomfortable with the relationship, very recently, I would say she is not happy

This is a bloody fantastic situation for your partner, lucky him. Your life is less comfortable because of him, and he belittles you.

Horrible relationship model for your daughter who is being taught by you to centre men above women. Don't give her that burden to carry.

You keep mentioning a baby. What baby?

Using your credit card for something without permission is not good but I would want to know more to understand it fully. If you regularly give him your card for expenses and you are years into living together, and he just used it and told you later/ paid you back then I don't think that's a big deal. Buying something on your credit card would surely show up on your statement and therefore unlikely he was trying to do it covertly?

We've been together for more two years and living together for more than one. You're right he didn't tried to hide it and offered to pay it back by selling one of the few things he owns. I told him that was not the case (the money) but rather just doing it without talking to me first.

Perhaps it just indicates you need a clear conversation about what is ok and how to manage finances? Perhaps a conversation you have avoided because the whole issue feels difficult? Since then I've talked to him about it and we've come with a plan. Things are a lot better and we're not overspending.

In terms of criticizing what you do, I would also want more information... partly it is not clear what he actually says or how often. Not very often. It just comes up when I tell him that I'm sure I'll have a better salary as "I deserve it". He says I shouldn't be so sure when obviously I was unemployed for six months and jobs aren't that easy to find over here.

Partly, I can imagine if you have a baked-in sense of your own superiority (which you seem to almost acknowledge and your first post also suggests), then I can imagine that grating on your partner and it leaking out occasionally in retaliatory put downs.*
I believe so too. He's aknowledged how he feels my family outs him down, because he's not "good enough for me". My cousin never met him and never made her excuses. My sister has also never wanted to meet him. My mum and dad really like him and have both said that he might be "poor/humble" but really loves me.

There are also real differences in attitudes to making money between working and middle class. (Working class tend to believe in just doing whatever needed to earn, while the family background you describe tends more towards thinking about career and fulfillment and waiting for the right thing). Sounds like the root of your dispute may be around that? I'd agree too.

None of the DC live with us FT. But when they do (which usually overlaps) he does the school runs and all of that as it's on his days off. Because he's not the PC he still has to pay CM.

The baby is yet to be born.

Also, I'm only posting because my DM went on and on that I had to bulletproof the purchase of the house so he only had his fair share of the assets (which I fully agree BTW).

One solution is for the DC to not stay at the same time, then the girls would only have to share a room every now and then rather than most of the time. However they really love each other so that would seem unfair.

So he does most of the childcare and household chores, contributes what he can afford and prioritises providing for his children? If the genders were reversed I don’t think anyone would have a problem. Plenty of women on here do bugger all to better their own earning power and are told that if the man doesn’t share everything and then some it’s financially abusive. Using your credit card without asking isn’t great but if you willingly give it to him otherwise I don’t think it’s a huge deal especially as he didn’t hide it. You also sound incredibly big headed. I tend to agree more with your DP that the majority of people are not special, some just have better luck/circumstances

So he isnt doing the ALL the kids packed lunches and school runs everyday then

OP if you are happy with the set up, crack on. But you werent happy last time you posted, now think that wasnt a big deal. Posting again with a list of complaints and insisting it's all great.

If it's all great, then just crack on.

Ah, so you are actually already pregnant with his baby?

I'm actually happy. It's just the buying the house and all the pressure of "not to be taken advantage of" that makes me wonder. Of course my parents want what's best for me and they don't like see me living in what they think of as "poverty". As an example we sold my car to get a seven seater and my family offered to get me a better one as "that's what I'm used to".

They don't remotely grasp that yes I have a trust income but my salary is of a working class person.

What we tend not to get on this site is that there is space between a man being a bastard who must be left immediately, and everything being rosy and in no need of any advice.....

It is a real challenge to manage a big education and earnings gap..... while I am a passionate feminist, I do also believe that most men are brought up in a way that pins their self esteem to being the leader in these areas.... and indeed, many women tie their deep down assessment of a man to these criteria too.....while we wish that were not the case, it is and needs to be factored in to making a relationship successful.

I believe you’re more academic than most, I don’t believe you are smarter than most. If you were you wouldn’t be in that relationship and you certainly wouldn’t be exposing your daughter to it and allowing her to think it’s ok to be treated that way.

I think you should sit and think about if your daughter was in your relationship, how you would feel, how you would advise her, what you would tell her to do.

Baby aside, I do think you need to get over yourself a bit if you want to stay with this guy. You are now earning 18K, and the partner of a man who does odd jobs for cash and siphons money off your credit card. None of the class/education stuff really matters if you don’t set up your life so those things are part of your identity. I wouldn’t want to get over myself to that extent, but you’re going to need to, if this is who you are now.

Hes worn away your self esteem so that you don't realise youre actually far too good for this utter loser.

There's a baby already "on the way"?

...

All you have from this point is not purchasing a house together and definitely never marrying him. Oh dear, OP. He's bad now, wait until the baby is born, he owns half your house, you aren't working and he really considers you stuck.

OP, i really agree with previous poster 'RiddleMe' and you should listen to it.

It doesn't matter who your parents are and what your previous background is. Currently you are not 'middle class' and you need to accept this in order to feel settled in your relationship.

You don't have a middle class income, partner, job or home. But theres NOTHING wrong with that. It doesn't mean anything if you are happy and content with your life.

However if you really wish to live the 'middle class' lifestyle you grew up with and that status is important to you, then you need to change your current setup and that includes your dp.

Your dp probably gets annoyed with your sense of superiority/entitlement and wants to bring you back 'down to earth' so hits you with the reality of your current situation with a sharp comeback. Not nice but somewhat understandable.

Hopefully you can accept where you are now and either be happy with it and continue, or make the changes necessary (your current dp/job/home etc).

OP, in the nicest possible way, you are living on another planet. You blended families including children after less than a year together which involved buying a new house in a part of the country where there are no opportunities for you because of a relationship with a man who only works cash in hand at the weekends, can't contribute financially to your shared household because of previous debts, 'commuting' (to where?) and CM, but but for whom you bought a car and who uses your credit card to buy his son luxuries because he's afraid he will no longer want to see him otherwise, and who's unpleasant to you when you express aspirations he doesn't share?

And now you're having a baby with this man, despite not having room for more children, and are planning a PhD 'as a personal achievement' next year?

But it's OK because your previous relationship was waaay worse?

OP, wake up. Seriously.

Tbh, the more I read the more I think you are well matched.

I think the fact you’ve swerved some uncomfortable truths re your daughter and your questionable moral compass is very telling.

As is the fact you’ve fudged how the custody arrangements for your kids.

It’s just plain weird how you were transparent about the fact you’re pregnant.

It does all seem to be about you.

I never thought the money split was an issue and maybe he was under the impression he could use your cc, you gave him the access, so legally he didn’t steal.

You do sound superior, spoiled and entitled.

Just because you had the privilege of a good education and a family to expected academic success, doesn’t mean you are more intelligent, you just had the training.

And even if you were more intelligent, doesn’t mean you’re a better person.

In fact for someone with such privilege and a trust fund, you have significantly under-achieved.

Maybe he is putting you down, maybe he’s reacting to your superiority, maybe he’s realistic.

If you want to get over the ‘inequality’ then accept the fact that you and he are equals.

I really think people aren't reading what the Op says.

Many posters have said that her partner is not interested in increasing his income or has any career aspirations or is taking any responsibility. Others say all he does is cash jobs and cheats on his taxes. But the Op has never said any of these things. She said in her first post that he aspires to have his own business, and that in addition to cash in hand jobs (we have no info on whether these are declared or not or indeed whether he earns above the threshold for paying tax), he also works on the weekend. He pays child maintenance and treats his children as a priority, and he contributes a significant proportion to the household running costs, and does a lot of the childcare and housework. And they are buying l a house together which will lay out ownership according to asset contribution, which suggest he has also saved a share of a deposit, despite being low earning.

Lots of people keep saying he steals from her, when actually she has said repeatedly that she didn't consider it this, that they had not had a clear conversation before about how to use her card, and that there was no attempt to conceal and he was happy to pay it back.

Lots of people keep saying he is demeaning her constantly, when what the Op has said is that he occasionally questions how realistic her career dreams are (possibly very fair when she has been out of work for six months, says she 'deserves' a better job, but is currently not earning a very big amount.) she has also mentioned that he is a peaceful, positive presence who works things out with her and adjust to her needs.

It feels like we just don't want to listen???

What I think the Op is struggling with is two things:

1. She comes from an educationally and financially privileged background and her whole family expect and want her (understandably) to have that upper middle class lifestyle.... it is a question of both comfort and prestige. Due to her choice of partner and her own employment issues, she does not have that. Her family at least partially reject her partner and are perhaps disappointed in her circumstances too, as a result.

1. Op herself has some of these hopes and expectations too- and while bravely having dared to love outside her family's social class. it is a hard thing to know how to get right, especially amid cries from others (including on this board) that her man MUST be exploiting her. For him, he feels rejected and disrespected by her family and perhaps senses that Op deep down has the same sense of being superior to him that her family does.

Op my dad was from a very poor background and my mum's family (who were much more like yours) were not happy at all. Her dad was ok but her mum treated him awfully. Both my mum and dad led a very humble life in the early years, but they were both hard workers, willing to save and build over time. They ended up comfortable, and giving the life to their children that everybody would aspire to.

As I said, I am over a year into a relationship with someone who is financially very hard up, after a divorce knocked him off his game. I am relaxing now, but I admit to watching like a hawk for any evidence that that is what he was with me for at the beginning. But he has a very strong work ethic, is skilled and is already working his way out of the hole he got himself into. He is very proud and doesn't want anything from me. I am extremely careful to protect that pride and not project any sense of superiority (I don't believe I am superior - I have just had better life opportunities). it is hard to negotiate and will continue to be. Even assuming he boosts his income significantly, which I believe he can, I will always have far more assets than him, his children go to state school, while mine is at a private school etc..... and while he is someone who can absolutely 'join my world', his family and mine will always be worlds apart.

It can work but it is definitely a tricky journey....

Please could you be clear.

Are you currently pregnant with this man's child?

Brave you are 100% on the money.

I followed the script that is pretty much the norm in this board but I was wrong to do so.

You’re post is considered, nuanced and insightful, I agree with you completely.

The problem with Braves post is that OP definitely felt he had spent money under false pretences.

She gave him the credit card for, I believe, day to day expenses (she appears to have name changed since) and he full well knew he wasnt using it for the purposes intended .

And to be honest with OP on 18k a year, him on a undisclosed smaller amount, and 4 children between them (or 3 and one on the way) him going off and spending on credit cards, especially, on nonessentials is ridiculous. AND the debt is in her name. Not his. And either she has a baby so should be on MAT leave or is having one so will be on MAT leave. Her earning will, temporarily at least, go down.

She did feel it was wrong. OP clearly has a habit of minimising and defending him.

She says he cant look at increasing is earnings, because he does packed lunches and school runs for ALL the kids, every week day. Then says that actually he doesnt do for ALL of them everyday.

Plenty of single parents do this and manage to improve their financial situation.

I also dont like the way OP reassures him that she will earn more soon. They both need to look at earning more, if money is an issue.

Theres a reason he isnt looking at earning more and it's not the kids.

That's why the OP feels the inequality. Because it's all falling on her shoulders. The responsibility to provide more money, a bigger house etc.

@BraveGoldie you're absolutely right and thank you for such a thoughtful post. I never said he doesn't work. Maybe it got lost somewhere but he works FT. He happens to work over the weekends and his two days off (over the working week) is when he's in charge of all DC and becomes a "house husband". He's tried to increase his income by some cash in hand jobs but that's not his main income. His commute and CM as well as a debt with tax credits take a considerable amount of his take home pay. All that is left is given to me. I've seen his bank statements it's not like spends it on drinking/drugs/gambling.

@Tennesseewhiskey you're right in as the CC issue should have been discussed, and that's what upsets me the most. Not the amount, but the action of using for something that we never agreed on.

The house deposit is mine and mine only. It comes as part of my divorce settlement and money my family is giving me as they don't want me to keep wasting money away on rent.

However, once that is set up, his half of our joint outgoings will be covered by his monthly contribution.