Not sure if I'm being picky about things due to pregnancy hormones or if he's being unreasonable

[Doormat247]

I keep having moments where I think my DP is lying to me and I don't know whether I'm just angry about things I daren't confront him about, irritated because of the pregnancy hormones or whether he should be doing things differently.

The newest thing is that he's away playing with his band for the night and they're playing another gig tomorrow. He told me he was packing up so I wished him a safe drive home. 2 hours later he informed me that he's staying at a rental home. He seems to have gone out of his way to tell me that it's only his male band mates staying (which I don't believe). I don't like the way he messages one of the girls - he calls her all the same pet names he calls me and he's super supportive of her (he isn't like this with me). I've seen photos of them together and they're always touching each other. I've convinced myself that she's the girl he told me about when we met that he had a fwb thing with - there seems to be too many coincidences for it not to be her.
Anyway, he has NEVER invited me to watch a gig in the 18mths we've been together. I know that other members take their DP along. He doesn't invite me to any parties they all go to with their DPs either

I may just have residual anger from finding messages he sent to an old friend a few months after starting dating where he called me 'convenient' and he didn't feel we were going anywhere. He was clearly feeling around for her to give him a chance with her and she was 100% leading him on. She gave him the chance to end their chats if he was happy with me and he said he didn't want to stop talking to her. (He seems to have stopped replying to her a couple of months after that).

He doesn't keep me informed of anything he does, he just expects me to be available if he wants to see me. I feel that if I'm the priority he says I am, why can't he include me in things or at least inform me of what's going on and that he can or can't see me.

Sorry it's long and has turned into a bit of a rant.
(Also we aren't living together yet so it's not like he promised me he'd be home and didn't show up).

And why are you with this man who blatantly not that in to you?

He's telling you loudly how he feels. Why would you stay with someone who called you convenient?

You need to raise your bar.

I don't really know what you're looking for here, but what leaps out at me is "why the fuck did you continue to sleep with a man who told a 'friend', a few months in (i.e. during the honeymoon period), that you were nothing more than a hole to put his penis in?" Where's your fucking self respect?

Get rid of this idiot at once and prepare to be a single mother. It's genuinely better than trying to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect you.

@minmooch I found out about the 'convenient' message months after we decided we were sure about a relationship together. It was already historical when I found out and he's supposedly completely in love now, wanting to move in together etc and has been for a long time. I just question the truth of this knowing he once made that comment to someone.

@FetchezLaVache I found out about the message months after it was sent, when there had been a change in our relationship and we were by then in love.
Once this change came about, he cut contact with her as is clear from the messages. I'm just pissed off about it and have never found a way to bring it up with him as I was snooping when I found them (so obviously can't admit to that).

Sometimes I feel like everything is wonderful and then other days I'm upset and hormonal and stupid things sit on my mind like this.

As for my 'fucking self respect' @FetchezLaVache, I'm pissed off, so am obviously not listing the 99% of time he's really great. I don't have any reason to doubt his feelings for me - hence why my title says it could be hormones making me feel this way.

You list a shitload of reasons to doubt his feelings for you in your OP, @Doormat247...

I hope everything works out for you. He doesn't sound like he's the right person for you.

He is treating you appallingly. Even if he's Prince Charming the other 99% of the time my advice would be the same, LTB.

He plays in a band and in the 18 months you've been with him he's never invited you to watch him? Or go to any of the parties? Why do you think this is? Hmmm sounds like he has something to hide. Why would you accept this?

He doesn't inform you if the things he does? Hmmmm sounds like he has something to hide.

He's supportive to his female band mate but is never supportive to you? Ffs why are you with him?

This is him at his best, this is the honeymoon period. He's showing you that he's not that in to you. He may say otherwise but his actions are very loud and clear.

Could his post read "I've been with my partner 18 months, I play in a band and in all that time she's never once asked to come and watch us"?

I don't mean that facetiously but why are you waiting to be asked? These are presumably public events? He may feel you have been very unsupportive of his passion.

Not excusing the rest of his behaviour but I just find that odd and a potential reason why he may feel distant.

@minmooch I don't think there's anything sinister in why he doesn't actually invite me along. I think I'm just annoyed because I haven't even been invited once in so long.

I think the most likely reason is that he knows I probably won't like the music plus I would be on my own as he'll be busy soundchecking and then playing. He doesn't treat it like an excuse to drink tons and act like a prick as it's rare he drinks at all. He usually likes to play and then come straight home.

I didn't mean he's never supportive, I meant he doesn't text me in the same way as her. I've never worked out if he's just replying in the same way she speaks to him or if he really does mean the things he says (it's sickly sweet). He struggles badly with social things so it's possible he just doesn't know that how she messages him is weird and it's not normal to reply the same way. I spoke with my mum about this and she says she has a male friend who corresponds with her in this way and there's nothing in it, it's just how they talk.

@Needsomebottle there's definitely an element of what you've said. I think I've been guilty in the past of taking the piss a little (we don't have quite the same sense of humour so maybe he took offence slightly when we first met).
I waited to be asked because it's polite and also a lot of the venues are a long way away and I hate driving so feel I can't just turn up.

They had an album release last year and looking back I should have at least bought a copy or listened with him. He's never volunteered the band name or really told me when gigs are (I have to check their website to find out in advance that he'll be away for a weekend).
I've been mentioning in the last few weeks that he never invites me and he just laughs it off, which I find odd.

OP. Read back your last post and compare it to your first.

You're either massively minimising his bad behaviour now that people have given you the answer you didn't really want to hear or you were overreacting to start with.

Given that the majority of complete strangers with no agenda to persuade you either way have given you their unbiased opinion that your DH is treating you like a fool you would be wise to listen.

Your choice of course.

I’d get your ducks in a row to ensure you can cope financially as a single mother. Your relationship wasn’t serious at the start. It is only 18 months old and you are pregnant and don’t live together. He is messaging someone else being super supportive whilst not supporting you. He has told people previously that you are convienent. It might work out but I wouldn’t count on it.

@Treacletoots maybe you missed my title - I did say I may be overreacting due to my hormones.
I've also mentioned in my posts that one day I think everything is fine and the next I feel like it's awful and need to end it.

@Belfield I'd have to abort rather than being a single mum anyway as I can't do my job and be a mother without help (I don't have any family that can help me). Having the baby will only work if we live together once I finish maternity leave.

How many weeks pregnant are you?

You must appreciate OP that none of us have a horse in this race. We take what’s written at face value and based on that give an opinion. Your original post was a pretty grim read. And doesn’t sound remotely like a loving and healthy relationship. At this stage it should be sunshine, roses and multi coloured unicorns.

I appreciate after the initial read of comments you might feel that knee jerk reaction to be a little defensive after such critique. But even in the cold light of day this surely cant seem right to you. Do you feel happy? Do you feel wanted and loved? Do you trust him? If what you’re feeling now is what the rest of your life with him is going to be like, would you be content with that?

We’re all different people, different motivations with different outlooks on life but I think we can all agree that we all deserve to be happy. Best of luck.

Why are you having this baby then?
You aren't in a committed relationship now (never mind married). You should only continue with the pregnancy if you are prepared to have the baby alone.
Stop burying your head in the sand - this is no kind of relationship.

@Wildorchidz I'm around 10wks. There is the possibility of very bad medical issues with the baby so if we find out for sure it has them, we'd be terminating anyway.

I'm not saying his behaviour is right or justified, but I think you've been massively unsupportive of him. Your partner is an aspiring musician and you haven't got excited with him about his music? Even if it isn't your taste, it's his passion. Yes you'd be on your own when he is setting up at gig but you should be there, sucking it up, just to see him and support him on his journey. To hug him after and tell him he was great, or provide constructive feedback. Yes you should buy the music, several times over and encourage your friends to do the same, whether or not it's their thing, to support you and him as a couple. I've seen friends play music I don't like to support them. I think it's the very least a partner can do.

It's not polite to wait to be invited, these are public gigs I imagine? Imagine his delight if his new girlfriend had turned up to watch him?

There are clearly other issues afoot now, and I'm not saying these things to bash you, but he will be so so passionate about his music if he's anything like the band members I have met over the years, it's quite possible he has found someone who shares his most fundamental passion and he is enjoying that as he doesn't have that with you.

It's time to talk openly, explain how his behaviour makes you feel, but I'd be prepared to hear how yours makes him feel, and maybe acknowledge before he brings it up that you haven't been supportive and you would like to change that? Best of luck.

I read your title. And relied on the facts you stated rather than others opinions. Facts tend to be more reliable....

Either way, it seems like you started a thread to try and get people to agree that the issue here is your hormones, not that your DH isnt treating you very well and when they didn't agree, ignored those or told them they interpreted it wrong and instead read the ones that suited the agenda you wanted to hear.

When people show you who they are, listen. Best of luck

@maximumcarnage I'm not a sunshine, roses and unicorns person and neither is he. We're both grumpy and realistic - life isn't full of fun, it's full of shit days at work in careers that drain the soul from us.

We enjoy our time together and it's very settled (most would probably call us boring). Yes I feel wanted and loved. I trust no one due to various things that have happened to me in my life and I've never experienced 'happy' although I'm less unhappy with him than I've ever been.

@MollyButton we're not in the 1950s, I don't have to be married to someone to have a baby with them. Yes I'd prefer to be married as I'm traditional but this accident happened earlier than I would have liked. Also being married means nothing - I was with my ex husband 13yrs and it would have still been shit with a baby or not.

@Needsomebottle he doesn't seem particularly passionate about the band. He wants to quit when the baby is born as he thinks the music will take up too much of his time.
I've told him I don't agree and would rather him quit one of his other very expensive hobbies instead.

Yes maybe he admires the girl's passion and dedication or something, I don't know.

Aw I think it's ever so sad that you've never experienced happy, and your levels of happiness in your relationship are based on "less unhappy". I hope your baby brings you pure joy, and you find a way to find your happiness. You deserve more than a life less unhappy. As does he in the interests of balance. I'd be really upset if the way my DH described our relationship was not happy but less unhappy than with other people. If you think you can move forward as a pair maybe you should consider relstionship counselling? Having a baby, whilst joyous, is stressful and if you choose to stay together you may only find you are under even more strain.