Not sure if I'm being picky about things due to pregnancy hormones or if he's being unreasonable

[Doormat247]

I keep having moments where I think my DP is lying to me and I don't know whether I'm just angry about things I daren't confront him about, irritated because of the pregnancy hormones or whether he should be doing things differently.

The newest thing is that he's away playing with his band for the night and they're playing another gig tomorrow. He told me he was packing up so I wished him a safe drive home. 2 hours later he informed me that he's staying at a rental home. He seems to have gone out of his way to tell me that it's only his male band mates staying (which I don't believe). I don't like the way he messages one of the girls - he calls her all the same pet names he calls me and he's super supportive of her (he isn't like this with me). I've seen photos of them together and they're always touching each other. I've convinced myself that she's the girl he told me about when we met that he had a fwb thing with - there seems to be too many coincidences for it not to be her.
Anyway, he has NEVER invited me to watch a gig in the 18mths we've been together. I know that other members take their DP along. He doesn't invite me to any parties they all go to with their DPs either

I may just have residual anger from finding messages he sent to an old friend a few months after starting dating where he called me 'convenient' and he didn't feel we were going anywhere. He was clearly feeling around for her to give him a chance with her and she was 100% leading him on. She gave him the chance to end their chats if he was happy with me and he said he didn't want to stop talking to her. (He seems to have stopped replying to her a couple of months after that).

He doesn't keep me informed of anything he does, he just expects me to be available if he wants to see me. I feel that if I'm the priority he says I am, why can't he include me in things or at least inform me of what's going on and that he can or can't see me.

Sorry it's long and has turned into a bit of a rant.
(Also we aren't living together yet so it's not like he promised me he'd be home and didn't show up).

I've been in several relationships with people in bands.

They cannot wait to get you to a gig to show off.

Honestly, this guy is not into you as the person he wants to show off to is the one in the audience.

You should have duped him at 'convenient'.

Crikey you’re like one of those soldiers from the western front that’s seen too much and have the thousand yard stare. I honestly thought I had the market cornered in being the ultimate cynic. But I confess I’m playing second fiddle here.

I don’t know you. But I feel really sad that you have such a bleak outlook on life. Less unhappy isn’t exactly a ringing indictment. Sincerely I hope having a baby does bring you genuine joy and happiness.

There are too many women that want to blame men’s shit behaviour on pregnancy hormones. You see it on here all the time.

The pregnancy sounds like it’s based on a lot of ifs and buts, you don’t live together (I’m assuming it wasn’t planned), you’re hoping to live together after maternity leave. Why not during? Else essentially you’ll be doing the majority of the work by yourself. From what you write it sounds half hearted on his part, look at his behaviour and stop trying to blame it on your hormones.

@LambBeefandHedgehog we do want to live together but we need to wait a few months to see where in the county his work will place him. We can't decide before then plus he has to evict a family member before he can sell his house. We work and live in completely opposite directions from each other at the moment.

@sackrifice what I struggle with is working out his behaviours as he's not a 'normal' type of bloke. He wants to go unnoticed so although he's on stage he hides at the back to avoid being seen, he won't participate in the band photos etc.
I hate people who show off and want attention so maybe my comments are what has put him off asking me to watch.

He went as far as saying maybe I could go with him to the gig this weekend but then he never mentioned it again and has gone without me.

@maximumcarnage haha I probably do have a thousand yard stare.
I think life is just meaningless and if I could click my fingers and disappear from it I definitely would. I think my DP feels the same way too. Hopefully the baby will bring us some joy but I know we both doubt that and it's one of the reasons neither of us ever planned on being parents.

@Needsomebottle yes I'd feel upset too if my DP felt just less unhappy with me. I have a feeling he does feel that way but when I ask him he says he's definitely happy with me, happier than he's ever been. That makes me feel awful as I don't feel the same way in return and either have to lie when he asks me or modify my reply so I don't worry him.

I waited to be asked because it's polite

You're having his baby ffs!!!

He is treating you like shit whether you refuse to believe it or not.

He's not totally in love with you. You don't have the same sense of humour, it sounds like your life together is dull. As a pp said, being less unhappy than in previous relationships, in not the bar to set your life by.

I can't believe you never went to see him in his band when you first started dating. That is bloody weird sorry.

Raise your bar!!!!!

Text him, say surprise, I am free and thought I would come watch you play.
Can you send details...love you....

OP taking the baby and the bandmate to one side for a second.

You don't have the same sense of humour.
You don't like his music.
And
We work and live in completely opposite directions from each other at the moment.

The only thing you seem to have in common is a quite bleak outlook on life. Maybe some counselling would help?

Counselling for you I mean not couples counselling.

It might not be the1950s, but I'm not convinced you are even really in a relationship with him. Marriage is a good basis for having children as when they end there is a mechanism for getting support for the mother and child. But even my many friends who have had children outstanding de marriage have had more of a relationship than you describe.

And I can't imagine any kind of relationship with a musician and not going to their concerts or listening to their music.

Can't you go to today's gig? Text him at the interval to say you're really enjoying it.

Hopefully the baby will bring us some joy but I know we both doubt that and it's one of the reasons neither of us ever planned on being parents.

This is awful. Why are you continuing with the pregnancy? And if your baby doesn’t bring you joy....?

@Someonetookmyusername the sense of humour difference is because he has ASD - sometimes I have to explain why something is funny 4 times and that obviously takes any humour out of things. His family seem quite humourless so he probably didn't have the piss taken out of him growing up like I did with my family and he's not used to 'banter'.

No I don't like his music but I don't think he really does either (he has earphones that allow him to hear how he's playing but block the rest of them out. He's with that group as it allows him to write and play his own stuff, rather than being in a covers band which he would hate.

He encouraged me to take a promotion which took my work into the city making my commute over 4hrs a day (not that much longer than it was before). He works in our local town so a very short commute but very long shifts. He lives less than 30mins from me (we live on opposite borders of the same town) and is happy doing all of the travelling to see me as he knows I hate driving. He's willing to move closer to my job to even out the commuting times.

We have an awful lot in common, it's just more important stuff than whether or not I like his music. ie: our outlook on life, politics, moral code etc.

Yes I probably do need counselling as I think a lot of my issues stem from my godawful mother and her lack of parenting skills. She did actually apologise for 'fucking me up' a while ago which was a huge surprise that she knows she has shortcomings.

@LambBeefandHedgehog as I've mentioned a previous comment, the baby has very likely got something majorly wrong with it.
This has led both of us to look on the negative side so we're not completely devastated when we're told to terminate. The hospital should have provided an early scan and tests (per their own written guidance) which they have refused to do as the problem is rare and they don't understand it.

We're both assuming there likely won't be a baby to bring up but if it's ok, then we'll just have to get on with it and do our bests. We're not 'awful' and heartless bastards as your post seems to imply.

You have a 4 hour commute every day?!? No wonder you’re unhappy. Why do you do that?! I really think you need some counselling.

I feel drained just reading about this relationship.

I really can't see that it has much going for it

I hope it all works out okay with your baby though.

Needsomebottle yes I'd feel upset too if my DP felt just less unhappy with me. I have a feeling he does feel that way but when I ask him he says he's definitely happy with me, happier than he's ever been. That makes me feel awful as I don't feel the same way in return and either have to lie when he asks me or modify my reply so I don't worry him.

This is no relationship. You don't even make each other happy.

Truly what is the point?

@FelixFelicis6 I have to earn money so I have to commute. I'd earn half as much if I worked in my town and it would be a shitty job. Where I live there are barely any job opportunities so to earn a reasonable living I have to commute that far. I've done similar commutes for years (it will reduce by at least an hour within the next year when my office moves).

@minmooch maybe read the posts - I've stated I've never had happiness in my life so one person can't change that. According to all the Mumsnet bullshitters, I have I be happy in myself first don't I?? 😒. Can't rely on someone else for my own happiness blah blah blah.

OP after your intial post you’ve backtracked and made excuses for his rude behaviour.
He struggles badly with social things
Really? He seems perfectly capable of being sweet & supportive to his fwb pal and being in a band, going to parties.
You don’t know the name of his band?
Tbh you don’t even sound like a couple, you sound like a fwb too.

Have to say this is probably one of the more peculiar relationships I’ve read about on here. But people come in all varieties so maybe, in your own goth-esque, thousand yard stare self it kinda works for you?

@Bookworm4 of course I know the name of the band. The parties are very rare and he's only actually attended one of them briefly that I know of (I was irritated because I felt he should have invited me). He tends to go to festivals with them though and stay the weekend.
The messages I've mentioned are not frequent which is why I felt I couldn't really throw a fit about them. There's also nothing suggestive in them. I just don't think it's appropriate to be sending kisses to other people or replying with pet names. Part of his ASD is mirroring - he generally ends his messages with a mirror of how the other person messaged him and he does it to me too. I don't know if he doesn't realise it's inappropriate to be calling her pet names or if I'm being over-dramatic as lots of people do call friends sweetie/love/hun etc, I'm just not one of them.

@maximumcarnage yeah it works for us mainly because we're very similar and a bit odd in the same way.
I've been lied to so much in previous relationships that I'm expecting the same in this one too. I've tried to catch him out over this weekends gigs as they all stayed over together and he answered all my questions perfectly and didn't seem suspicious of why I was asking. Now I feel a bit guilty for doubting him.

Neither of you making any decisions in life. Not even small ones. putting a baby into this mix would be a complete disaster.