Am I a mug?

[Switchitoffthenonagain]

Quick background. Partner cheated on me for 2 months with the mother of one of our children's classmates. We've tried to work past this, he's been sorry, told me that it's his fault, a mistake, etc etc.

Realised today that another mother from our child's class has messaged him, inviting our child to a party. He barely knows her. Something didn't sit right with me and I made him show me the messages (he initially hadn't told me about them). I saw he thanked her for the invite. Initiated small talk, then randomly apologised that he couldn't accept her friend request right now as we were having problems in our relationship and I would be angry. She tried to rebuff this and say that she'd only requested him so he saw her message and he added 'I know, but Switchit doesn't see it like that'. Cue further 10 messages of small talk. I've hit the roof over him sharing personal information about our relationship and covering it up and he's adamant that's he was being polite and doing nothing wrong. Am I being a mug? Or am I overreacting?

I would be angry. Set some very clear boundaries about what's acceptable particularly with people you barely know 🙄

The fact that he thinks for one second that this is acceptable would piss me off more than actually doing it I think. It comes off as "poor me" and deflecting the blame for your current difficulties onto you when actually they are his responsibility. He's being petulant and that behaviour is not someone taking responsibility for his past actions.

Good luck

He's the mug, for playing the wounded soldier & being caught.

You are the clever one.

Tell him to jog on.

Why did she even have his number if they dont really know eachother?

Or was this on facebook?

I find it quite odd to look up someone on facebook that you barely know to invite a child to a party.

Surely, paper invites are the best way to go?

Are you sure he doesnt know her that well?

And why would anyone inistate small talk. Surely it would be just 'yes/no, thank you' type message.

He has also laid the blame for the problem at your door. It's the you womt be happy. Rather than 'I fucked up and caused a problem in our marriage. Accepting your request wont help'.

I am not saying he should have shared such personal information, but if he was going to why make it out that you are the problem?

Sorry op, he is a dick.

And to have an affair with the mother of a child who knows your child, is awful. If it had have become public, yout kids could have been really badly impacted.

He is a cunt.

Why did she even have his number if they dont really know eachother?

Yes, it was on Facebook. After he made the comments about me on there, she sent me a friend request and message and asked me instead. I don't think she was trying to cause trouble.

I'm wondering whether he was trying to get her to ask about our relationship so he could proceed to chat to her and develop some sort of bond. He now has the cheek to say that nothing inappropriate was said, I need to get past my lack of trust in him when nothing has happened this time and I need to start trying to move forward

Do you need to get past it?

Do you want to?

Does he see the school gates as some sort of dating site?

You trusted him again after he was unfaithful. Do you still trust him?

(And I wouldn't trust that woman, either.)

Wow. Either he finds it easy to behave like a faithful married man or he doesnt!

But blaming you for not letting him flirt and message women for no particular reason is ridiculous!

Of course a married woman is going to expect her husband not to initiate or respond to small talk chit chat with women .

If he wants to be single lethim start soon. But he isnt doung you some favour being married to you and the n saying basically sorry im not allowwd to flirt

Agree with pp, very disrespectful to be swiping right on the school gate mums

To be honest, no, I don't trust him as he never told me about the messages, I mentioned her message to me which made him then say. I have no idea why someone who is apparently trying desperately hard to earn back trust would be engaging in chit chat and telling a random woman personal information about us.

He'd already embarrassed me at the school due to his previous affair, now I feel ever more silly

Yeh to me that is worse than the cheating.

You deserve better than this don’t you?

If you’re already trying to get over his recent betrayal he should at least be pretending to be treating you with some respect and not airing your dirty laundry to someone he wasn’t even previously connected to on fb, nor implying to this virtual stranger that you have a jealousy problem when HE has actually been unfaithful and breached your trust. It’s a gentle way of positioning you as somehow unreasonable even if she is totally innocent and without agenda, he is still being a dick.

I can see why this would be unsettling. I’m not sure that the next logical step in this situ is you working on your trust, but surely him taking responsibility for his behaviour and taking you and your relationship seriously?

I’m sorry OP but from the limited info so far, he sounds like a twat. I hope I’m wrong but from what you’ve said he is (still) acting like a typical player even after his affair. Good luck.

Thanks for all your replies. He's twisted it so much that I couldn't decide whether I was overreacting as he keeps telling me that he's done nothing wrong and it was just chat about a birthday party. Your replies have helped get my head a bit straighter

He’s gaslighting you. It wasn’t innocent about a birthday party, it was a dialogue the other mum instigated (as far as we can assume) innocently about a birthday party, which he then turned into an opportunity to subtly compliment her (by implying you would be jealous of him being around her) and putting you down as a result. Your instincts aren’t wrong.

Trust, once breached, has to be rebuilt - it is no longer acceptable for that to be assumed the default state. That is his fault, not yours. It is up to him to prove himself, not up to you to roll over and pretend as if nothing has happened.

All the best OP xx

He's now shut me down completely on this and said that nothing's happened, he's not attracted to her, I need to stop being so insecure and I will ruin things if I keep causing problems that don't exist.

We're supposed to be taking the children away for the weekend (we don't live together anymore) but I don't want to go. I feel like he's trying to make me feel crazy and unreasonable and, on top of his affair last year) I just can't cope with more untrustworthy behaviour. I don't want to let the kids down but he's dragging me back down to how depressed and anxious I was after his affair.

He has no respect for you. He’s playing the wounded soldier. You know this. Pick yourself esteem up from the floor and make plans for yourself and children. Use your hurt and anger at the way he has treated you to gain strength. Do not fall for his bull. As people say on here. He has shown you who he is and he’s at it again. Listen to your gut.

That was a classic example of someone testing the waters. He was letting the mum know he was open to a flirtation.

He won't improve. You can do better.

He now has the cheek to say that nothing inappropriate was said, I need to get past my lack of trust in him when nothing has happened this time and I need to start trying to move forward

Fuck this.

He cheated on you, you with a lot of grace gave him a second chance, it's HIS job to make YOU feel safe in the relationship by owning what he's done.

You can't begin to move forward until you see some change on his part and some super firm boundaries around your relationship.

He's being a dick. You can't white knuckle the amount of pain he caused you and hope it goes away he has to be active in making it safe for you.

You're not being insecure. His behaviour is completely inappropriate and you are reacting to that in a reasonable way. It's great you don't live together. I think it would be much better for you to have a clean break now and tell him you're no longer interested in continuing a relationship.

I second the fact that it's great that you don't live together.

Totally agree with @beccarocksbaby, not only is he not doing what she correctly points out that he is responsible for fixing, but he is painting a picture of you to your acquaintances. A very unflattering picture! (Just so that he doesn't have to knock them back, he thinks).

He doesn't value you highly enough to do what beccarocksbaby sets out. Let that lack of appreciation, respect, focus, genuine interest in you alone be a turn OFF.

And if people at the school gates know that you gave him one chance, but that he didn't value that second chance enough to change properly, then they'll respect you when you can face them NEWLY single.

I think if someone gets a second chance after cheating, they owe it to their long-suffering partner to be as transparent as possible about everything they do. It's the only way to try and regain the lost trust. Heck, they should WANT to if the relationship is important to them.

Unfortunately, what can happen in cases of forgiveness after cheating is that the cheating partner does not see themselves as extremely lucky and on their last chance, but instead they think, "I got away with it last time so I can sweet-talk my way out of it next time too."

That's bang out of order. You don't respond to a random woman you don't know, who texted about a child's party invitation and tell her that you're having marriage problems (though it does sound to me like the woman messaged him in all innocence).

I completely agree with a previous PP that your H was testing the waters with her. And then to make out you're the jealous one - fuck that! But then he wasn't about to type "I had an affair with one of the other mums so now she'll think I'm at it again".

OP - I've been there. My exH did this. I saw ALL the messages from my exH to loads of different women. He was always telling them we'd had a row, I was jealous etc etc. Sometimes he'd strike lucky and get a reciprocal "Oh poor you!Do you want to talk about it?" and he'd inevitably ask if they wanted to go for a coffee or a drink.

It's shit and it will mess with your head. You're worth more than that. Your trust has already been broken by his cheating, he should be bending over backwards to reassure you, not telling another random mum about your marital problems. And has the nerve to say he was being polite and has done nothing wrong! Which makes you start to doubt yourself and think "Am I overreacting?" No you're not! Always trust your instinct.

Is there any reason why she would Facebook message him about the party as opposed to you in the first place?

Even as a co-parenting dad, I'm aware enough that party invites, playdates, etc are usually set up by mums between the mums unless the Dad is the primary carer or happenstance means they can pass on an invite during pick-up (not saying this is how it should be, but this is the culture in my experience)?

Is he the primary caregiver OP? If not is there any good reason you can think of why she would ask him - a person she apparantly hardly knows - as opposed to you?

Is he the primary caregiver

• Apologies for redundant last sentance - forgot to delete.

Neither of us really know her. He knows her partner and that’s how she knew his name to find him on Facebook. She then later found me through his Facebook page.

He’s begging and pleading with me not to end things. He says that it was innocent and that he would never risk things between us particularly given what he did in the past. It’s all just bullshit though really, isn’t it. Because that’s exactly what he has done and I can think of no other reason for him to tell her about our issues other than him sounded her out for further chat, if not more.