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Original poster

Am I a mug?

68 replies

Switchitoffthenonagain · 23/08/2019 21:50

Quick background. Partner cheated on me for 2 months with the mother of one of our children's classmates. We've tried to work past this, he's been sorry, told me that it's his fault, a mistake, etc etc.

Realised today that another mother from our child's class has messaged him, inviting our child to a party. He barely knows her. Something didn't sit right with me and I made him show me the messages (he initially hadn't told me about them). I saw he thanked her for the invite. Initiated small talk, then randomly apologised that he couldn't accept her friend request right now as we were having problems in our relationship and I would be angry. She tried to rebuff this and say that she'd only requested him so he saw her message and he added 'I know, but Switchit doesn't see it like that'. Cue further 10 messages of small talk. I've hit the roof over him sharing personal information about our relationship and covering it up and he's adamant that's he was being polite and doing nothing wrong. Am I being a mug? Or am I overreacting?

OP posts:
31RueCambon · 24/08/2019 11:35

I think you're pushing water uphill now.

He wasn't afraid of losing you because he didn't VALUE you enough not to close his roving eye.

He sounds like he'll always have an eye out elsewhere. What's the point!

Musti · 24/08/2019 11:40

I notice he didn't say that he couldn't accept her friend request because he'd been caught shagging a school mum. Instead made you out to be insecure and alluding that you were the issue.

This is not the action of a man who is truly sorry and wants to do anything to fix things. This is the action of someone looking for his next victim.

Musti · 24/08/2019 11:42

And he must have sounded like a lunatic to the woman. If a parent of one of my kids who I'd never met had this char with me because I'd invited their child to a party, I'd think they were weird and would steer clear.

Original poster
Switchitoffthenonagain · 24/08/2019 12:14

This has really opened my eyes to seeing that he just has massive issues and nothing will change them or make them go away. It’s like some sort of addiction to needing attention.

OP posts:
Cobblersandhogwash · 24/08/2019 12:23

He tried to make you look paranoid and controlling.

Character assassination.

It also shoots down any possibility of your becoming friendly with this woman.

Seriously unpleasant and creepy.

Can you bin him?

thehouseinhousesitter · 24/08/2019 12:25

@Musti right?! She'd have been thinking Christ what a nutter. For some reason he thinks all the school mums are there for d&m's and potential shags.

Leona11 · 24/08/2019 12:28

You’re not being unreasonable, I’d be raging. He could have simply said something like thanks for the invite about the party, my wife will get back in touch with you without airing HIS dirty laundry.

Leona11 · 24/08/2019 12:29

@Musti YES exactly!

Ilikethisone · 24/08/2019 12:39

Pps are right. He totally threw you under the bus, in the hope he would rel her because she felt bad for him.

He knows her partner, but still wanted to make an attempt with this woman.

No one is our of bounds. Friends wives, his kids school friends mums.

He doesnt care about making you look bad or causing potential issues for the kids. Or upsetting you.

He only gives a shit about having his ego massaged and seeing if he can get another woman interested.

There was absolutely no need for him instigating chit chat. Or telling her about the issues. He wont change.

And he cant even admit that its him that is in the wrong.

Original poster
Switchitoffthenonagain · 24/08/2019 13:12

He’s in permanent denial so there’s no point talking about it with him. He sent 27 messages. That’s well above and beyond what anyone would expect for just a party invite, including the ‘I’m sorry I can’t be your friend right now....’ one. If he can’t see that’s unreasonable (and he would not be happy if I did that) then it’s pointless trying to even recover a relationship with him

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 24/08/2019 13:15

would be engaging in chit chat and telling a random woman personal information about us.

One reason is that he is hoping there are some who would be prepared to have a clandestine fling with him. It's just a numbers thing so he would have to ask lots and lots of women on the off chance

So sorry, it doesn't look good.

ChuckleBuckles · 24/08/2019 14:04

I need to get past my lack of trust in him when nothing has happened this time

Take note of that "this time" , it speaks volumes.

OP I am sorry that he has hurt and disrespected you so much, I am sorry that he has no regard for the well being of his children by shagging around with school mums. My ex cheated and when I found out and tried to work on the relationship he just continued to cheat with other women, when I found out about the further cheating he just said that when he saw my reaction to the first discovery that he knew it was gloves off, that he could do whatever he wanted. He saw my hurt and working towards forgiveness as an excuse to do worse to me. Don't allow this man to do that to you.

Mumsymumphy · 24/08/2019 14:28

It’s like some sort of addiction to needing attention.

You've hit the nail on the head there OP. That's exactly what it was with my exH - he even said it himself. It's a constant need for female attention and approval.

I could go into some armchair psychology here but I'd get slated so I won't. But it is absolutely NOT your fault or your problem. I'd be making plans to leave if I were you OP, sorry.

TimeForNewStart · 24/08/2019 14:31

He’s setting it up as him and her on one side, and you on the other.

Most women would think that was weird and ignore, but some would get drawn in by the drama. Maybe he doesn’t even realise he’s doing it, because he’s in denial, but it doesn’t really matter. He won’t change because he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong.

27 messages and not to you? No, not on!

You don’t need his permission or agreement to end the relationship.

Original poster
Switchitoffthenonagain · 24/08/2019 14:51

He’s clinging on because of his control. And also because he clearly thinks he can walk all over me and I’ll put up with anything. It’s embarrassing. He is clearly such a sleaze

OP posts:
crappyday2018 · 24/08/2019 16:30

Sorry OP but it certainly seems like he has gotten away with an affair, so thinks he can get away with anything. That's the long and short of it. He is probably thinking in his head "but she forgave an affair so why would she not forgive some innocent messages".
If he was genuinely trying to make amends for the affair, he would not have even replied to this woman, let alone send 27 messages. He's a cheat OP and won't change.
Stand your ground and get rid of him.

thethoughtfox · 24/08/2019 16:44

What Pegusus said. He is testing the waters and opening the situation up for a flirtation and more.

beccarocksbaby · 24/08/2019 16:57

This has really opened my eyes to seeing that he just has massive issues and nothing will change them or make them go away. It’s like some sort of addiction to needing attention.

It is in a way, but it needs to be dealt with just like any behaviour which is damaging to your life.

My husband had an affair. I took him back. He changed A LOT and engaged in a lot of therapy to deal with his problems so that he never behaves like such an enormous cunt again. He knows the boundaries and this would never ever be acceptable in our relationship.

I'm sorry he's not living up to what you deserve, with the cheating or the lack of commitment to make it right afterwards.

You are worth more.

billy1966 · 24/08/2019 17:13

@MissBehaves
Absolutely right.

He has made a show of himself texting that woman.

OP, there is absolutely no excuse for what he did.
To have an affair with the parent of your child's friend. Unbelievable.

Honestly, no moving on. Truly no woman is safe from a twat like that.

Delighted that you are not living with him.
Kick him to touch.
I don't think there is any going back.

At least show the parents, your child's father may haven't any respect for himself but you do.

Laylajaney · 24/08/2019 17:14

He should nt be having private messages with another woman and letting you down by disclosing your martital problems.
My husband had a 2nd affair siteing that he was shacking upwith her because i couldnt get over his 1st affair.He put the blame on me!
He couldnt get on with 2nd one so begged to come back.

ChristmasFluff · 24/08/2019 17:32

He's doing a 'my partner doesn't understand me'.

Dump

abrilliantidea · 24/08/2019 17:35

Yes he's a crazy-maker. He's no idea about what he wants. He's all over the place. His texts are not acceptable behaviour especially after his affair. Now he's minimising his idle inappropriate chat with another woman, divulging personal information about your relationship and gaslighting you. I haven't read all the comments but I'm sure you've been told this already. It does not sound as if he is sorry or proper remorseful for his affair otherwise he wouldn't dream of this idle chat. I wouldn't take him back until he's proper remorseful and some new ground rules are established. But you can't force him, it needs to come from him - a place of genuine remorse. I hope you get things sorted.

Original poster
Switchitoffthenonagain · 24/08/2019 18:26

As I’ve stood up to him and refused to go in our weekend away, he’s ended things (even though I already had) and said that it was just messages about a party, he understood that my lack of trust made me suspicious, he’d tried to be sympathetic but I’m now taking it too far.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 24/08/2019 18:38

I hope you see that you have dodged a bullet there @Switchitoffthenonagain

AMAM8916 · 24/08/2019 18:43

I get that she requested him as a friend so he'd see the message, that's how it works. For her to then ask you instead shows that she isn't doing anything wrong.

He seems to want these women to chat to him and that is wrong. This one clearly didn't take him on too much and decided to ask you instead which shows good morals