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Original poster

It’s over but my cheating DH won’t accept it

65 replies

LadyDowagerHatt · 22/08/2019 21:01

DH had an 8 month affair I found out about in March. We have 2 DC, one with additional needs. He was very remorseful, so upset about the pain he had caused and he went to individual counselling. We had a good marriage in other ways, a lot of history together and two wonderful children so I made the decision to slowly rebuild the trust and our relationship. We went to couples counselling in which he was told to cut all contact (he said he had already) and be completely transparent with his phone.

Two months later I saw from his phone bill he had texted her 7 times. He claimed he was checking how she was as he bumped into her at work and she seemed to be in a bad place after everything Hmm. I, and the counsellor told him that she was not his priority and he must cut contact.

We took a massive step back, understandably, I was only just hanging on in there together and I said if there was any more shady behaviour that would be it.

On Sunday I briefly saw a text on his work phone with kisses. When I asked to see his phone he wouldn’t show it to me, said he was sick of all this suspicion etc. I told him he needed to prove his innocence otherwise that would be it. He chose not to and got quite defensive/aggressive over it.

He is now super remorseful (again) and says not showing me the phone was just a moment of madness with the stress of the situation.

I obviously know that’s not true, I just wish he would admit it to himself and to me. I am going to the solicitor’s on Tuesday to start divorce proceedings. He is asking me to slow down as he is hopeful that he can prove himself to me but I know there is no way back from here.

He, my mum and one of my good friends think I should slow down as it is such a big decision. His mum and two of my friends think I should just go ahead and issue the divorce. I didn’t tell the former the first time but the latter knew which is probably he reason why they don’t feel like I’m rushing things.

Not sure what I am posting about really, just a hand hold and any wise words of wisdom I guess. It’s all pretty shit, I am heartbroken but I know I will be ok.

OP posts:
Hooferdoofer37 · 22/08/2019 21:08

You are doing the right thing.

Spending the rest of your life wondering if he's lying to you, finding out he is & then have him lie again to your face is no way to live.

You are also doing the best for your DC.

You are teaching them that if people treat others badly it has consequences; imagine what kind of adults they could grow into if they grow up believing that lying & cheating has no consequences.

You are doing the right thing, stay strong.

ElektraUnchained · 22/08/2019 21:15

You gave him a chance. You didn't have to. He blew it. Twice.

YADNBU. You can't be expected to put up with this lack of respect. He is not worthy of your trust and therefore can't expect you to love him.

You must feel awful. Flowers

AwdBovril · 22/08/2019 21:22

If your marriage was so important to him, he would have made it his priority. He didn't, so it's obvious that it isn't important to him. He can wail & gnash his teeth all he wants, but he already made his choice. You are not the "bad guy" in this scenario, he has forced your hand. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

KOKOtiltomorrow · 22/08/2019 21:24

OP I think you are doing the right thing. I say that as someone whose H left me for another woman ( I was abusive / self medicating with alcohol) but nothing physical happened until after he left. He still works with her and gets my insecurity and offers full access to his phone (if he’s not working, I can “keep” it with me ), doesn’t go on work nights out and basically does whatever I need to feel secure.

He is not putting 100% into making it right which is unforgivable

testingtesting111 · 22/08/2019 21:26

So sorry you're going though this. You sound sensible. Like others have said, it doesn't sound like he is genuinely making any effort at all - talk is cheap. If he genuinely had nothing to hide he would have handed over his phone immediately.

Teacakeandalatte · 22/08/2019 21:30

Don't base your decision on what others think it's you who has to live with it.

olivetreelane · 22/08/2019 21:31

I admire you. I really do. There are so many women (me included) that says it'll be the last chance, the last time to accept and it's refreshing to see/ hear someone so strong.

What happened with the phone in the end? Did he delete the message with kisses from Sunday?

Do not back down 💐

timshelthechoice · 22/08/2019 21:35

Here's one truth he will never tell you: he never cut her off or ended it in the first place. He is still shagging her. You are not 'rushing into things', that would have been 8 months ago if you had seen a solicitor the same day you found out he was cheating.

He's full of shit and you deserve better than living with someone who will continue to shag around on you.

SandyY2K · 22/08/2019 21:47

I think you're doing the right thing. I have a friend going through similar. He has knelt down, kissed her feet and begged for a third chance.

Yet he continues with sexting multiple women. I can't say much to her, because I know I'd be out of there.

Original poster
LadyDowagerHatt · 22/08/2019 21:54

olivetreelane I never got to see it that night so I gave up as that spoke volumes. It is not worth seeing it now as he would have deleted everything incriminating. I forgot to say he was in total panic mode - said I could see it and then typed in the wrong password numerous times so that it locked him out and reset, then set the pattern thing when it came on again but proceeded to enter the wrong pattern 30 seconds later when trying to open it. It was when I put the right pattern in and it opened that he suddenly decided I couldn’t see it after all!!!

OP posts:
ChippyPickledEggs · 22/08/2019 21:55

I think your husband just wants desperately to continue to have his cake and eat it. Don't let him.

Tongo · 22/08/2019 21:56

Handhold from me. I think you’re doing the right thing. He can’t let her go can he? It’s too tempting. You know you saw those kisses and if it smells like a horse, looks like a horse, it’s a horse. He’s still contacting her and acting up when caught. You deserve better. Be brave.

BlingLoving · 22/08/2019 21:59

I'm very sorry you are going through this. It's been 5 months. The trust has not been even slightly rebuilt. even in the unlikely event he hasn't done anything else with this woman, it doesn't matter - he has been unable to win your trust and/or you have been unable to give it back to him. Why would you want to live like that long term? Do want you need to do for yourself.

greenyellowredblue · 22/08/2019 22:04

You're doing the right thing. He never finished the affair and he has no plans too. I'd start the divorce. What will your living arrangements be?

billy1966 · 22/08/2019 22:11

Very tough on you OP, but I think you can look yourself in the mirror and know that you did your best to try and work things out for the family.

He on the other hand is a disgrace and has absolutely taken the piss over the past 5 months.

I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

Keep that appointment on Tuesday.

Mind yourself.

Original poster
LadyDowagerHatt · 22/08/2019 22:15

timshelthechoice I agree, I am now coming to the conclusion that he didn’t actually stop the affair, or tried to stop it but restarted it. I’m not sure when they could have continued to meet up but there’s always a way, or it could have just been the texting starting again. Even if it was just texts it is a massive betrayal when I’d given him a chance.

OP posts:
letsdolunch321 · 22/08/2019 22:16

Sorry to read what a total prick your dh is being op.

You must continue with divorce proceedings, at the end of this chapter you will be a stronger person,

Hugs & 💐 for you. Stay strong

PonderingPanda · 22/08/2019 22:17

I don't think your rushing it at all but why haven't you told your friends/family that do think you are, the truth?

MadeForThis · 22/08/2019 22:18

Stick to your guns. If he was innocent he would have been happy to show you the phone.

Getting angry at you and accusing you of not trusting him is shitty behaviour. Of course you don't trust him. He cheated.

Original poster
LadyDowagerHatt · 22/08/2019 22:19

greenyellowredblue he said that he will be able to afford to continue to pay into the house so I can stay with the kids, and he can rent somewhere himself nearby. I just hope he doesn’t change his mind and want to sell once he realises that it is not just a case of him moving out to give me space, this is permanent.

OP posts:
PersonaNonGarter · 22/08/2019 22:20

Well done. You really have given your relationship a proper try. You can hold your head high and know you did all you could.

But in the end he has completely blown it. Twat. Definitely LTB. If he doesn’t care now, when will he?

Ginger1982 · 22/08/2019 22:21

Good for you. He has shown you that he has zero respect for you. If he really wanted to save your marriage he would have. You'll be well rid.

Original poster
LadyDowagerHatt · 22/08/2019 22:24

ponderingpanda all know the truth now but when I discovered the affair in March I didn’t tell my mum or one of my good friends who we did a lot with as couples. I wanted to limit who I told so that we could work on rebuilding without feeling like everyone was watching us, and I guess so that people didn’t judge me for taking him back or him for what he did.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 22/08/2019 23:57

The more you tolerate, the more a cheater thinks they can carry on.

You've tried your best... he probably took the affair underground and went LC (low contact) with her while dust settled.

His own mum says end it. She's right.

EileenAlanna · 23/08/2019 04:52

He's a total dick. You know he's a total dick, his family etc knows he's a total dick. If there was ever a time when you thought having a total dick in your life was the way to go then this is the culmination of your girlish dreams. Otherwise do what 99% of the population would do & tell the bastard to fuck off.