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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It’s over but my cheating DH won’t accept it

65 replies

LadyDowagerHatt · 22/08/2019 21:01

DH had an 8 month affair I found out about in March. We have 2 DC, one with additional needs. He was very remorseful, so upset about the pain he had caused and he went to individual counselling. We had a good marriage in other ways, a lot of history together and two wonderful children so I made the decision to slowly rebuild the trust and our relationship. We went to couples counselling in which he was told to cut all contact (he said he had already) and be completely transparent with his phone.

Two months later I saw from his phone bill he had texted her 7 times. He claimed he was checking how she was as he bumped into her at work and she seemed to be in a bad place after everything Hmm. I, and the counsellor told him that she was not his priority and he must cut contact.

We took a massive step back, understandably, I was only just hanging on in there together and I said if there was any more shady behaviour that would be it.

On Sunday I briefly saw a text on his work phone with kisses. When I asked to see his phone he wouldn’t show it to me, said he was sick of all this suspicion etc. I told him he needed to prove his innocence otherwise that would be it. He chose not to and got quite defensive/aggressive over it.

He is now super remorseful (again) and says not showing me the phone was just a moment of madness with the stress of the situation.

I obviously know that’s not true, I just wish he would admit it to himself and to me. I am going to the solicitor’s on Tuesday to start divorce proceedings. He is asking me to slow down as he is hopeful that he can prove himself to me but I know there is no way back from here.

He, my mum and one of my good friends think I should slow down as it is such a big decision. His mum and two of my friends think I should just go ahead and issue the divorce. I didn’t tell the former the first time but the latter knew which is probably he reason why they don’t feel like I’m rushing things.

Not sure what I am posting about really, just a hand hold and any wise words of wisdom I guess. It’s all pretty shit, I am heartbroken but I know I will be ok.

OP posts:
Limpshade · 23/08/2019 06:10

This is really sad to read, OP.

PP is right - you can walk away knowing you gave it everything you could, while he couldn't even bring himself to tell you the basic truth of the situation.

No one has to live your life except you, and therefore yours is the only opinion that matters about this. Do what you need to do.

KindnessIsNotWeakness · 23/08/2019 06:55

You’ve given him enough chances - you are a more forgiving woman than me - time to split, don’t be surprised if he runs into her arms.

Original poster
LadyDowagerHatt · 23/08/2019 06:58

Thanks everyone, I know I’m doing the right thing it’s just so hard and so sad. I almost wish he had just told me he didn’t love me and was going to be with her. Instead I get these breaches of trust, denials about what they actually are and then massive upset and remorse and begging for a chance (another one!). It’s just difficult to end it all not knowing what is actually going on - my friend who has just found out is trying to imply that maybe, just maybe there wasn’t anything going on after he first time but I know that can’t be true. I think she is probably still in shock as you would never expect it from him and she just doesn’t wan it to be true...

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyDowagerHatt · 23/08/2019 07:02

kindnessisnotweakness I am prepared for that. I actually told his mum tonight to be prepared for him to turn up with her once the dust settles. His mum said that there is no way she would ever be welcome!

OP posts:
Vasya · 23/08/2019 07:06

He already had the chance to prove himself to you, and twice he failed.

I'm so sorry OP. You don't deserve to spend the rest of your life worrying about what he's keeping from you. You're doing the right thing Thanks

Mrsmummy90 · 23/08/2019 07:12

I'm so sorry he's put you through this! He definitely had something to hide on his phone or he wouldn't have faffed about so much and purposefully locked himself out.

You have been so patient and given so many chances and he threw them back in your face.
Well done for leaving with your dignity in tact!

sueelleker · 23/08/2019 07:24

And if his own mother says you should divorce him, that says it all.

Original poster
LadyDowagerHatt · 23/08/2019 07:31

sueelleeker it says a lot doesn’t it?!! His dad cheated on her, she took him back and he did again so she has been there, knows what it’s like. She never thought he would do it, nobody did.

OP posts:
DarklyDreamingDexter · 23/08/2019 07:45

The truth is, like many who've had affairs, he wants to have his cake and eat it. Wants to stay married and have a family life with you, but wants the cheap thrills of an affair on the side. If he was truly committed to saving your relationship he would have dropped the OW as soon as it was discovered. The secret messages and texts show he is not willing to do that, which to your credit, you have realised early on. You gave him a chance and he blew it. Everything is on him. Stay strong in the knowledge you are doing the right thing.

You kept the affair quiet originally for obvious and sensible reasons while you tried to repair the relationship. Perhaps now it's time to be open with others about what he has done, which may make him realise there is no going back.

Original poster
LadyDowagerHatt · 23/08/2019 08:26

darklydreamingdexter I never would have believed it after I found out the affair as he was so upset and so remorseful but I do think that is what has happened, he just can’t give her up.

I have told work and have started to tell couple friends, I’ve encouraged him to do the same on his side. We also need to tell DS (I have another thread about that) and then the school and childminder. He is pushing against telling everyone, I think he is still in denial and probably thoroughly ashamed of himself.

OP posts:
misskiki69 · 23/08/2019 08:39

This sounds quite similar to the scenario I faced with my then husband. He refused to cut contact, therefore choosing to continue to cheat and put her before me. I told him to leave and we had a very quick divorce. I was absolutely broken hearted, I really was. But ultimately I doubted I would ever trusted him again and lost respect for him.

Be prepared for the affair to go tits up. The statistics show (I read it a while back) there a low chance of it working out between them. In reality, you cannot go from one relationship to another without a break and expect it to work out. Once the shit hits the fan, he's likely to come grovelling.

You deserve better. You will be fine. Keep talking. 💕

SandyY2K · 23/08/2019 08:43

His mum said that there is no way she would ever be welcome!

There you go. The woman who carried him for 9 months and went through labour pains and sleepiness nights is making it very clear what to do and where she stands. That's really powerful.

after I found out the affair as he was so upset and so remorseful

He was upset that you found out...but if he was indeed truly remorseful, he would've ended it having seen your pain.

He thought he could be smart and waste time/money with MC while still having his side piece.

but I do think that is what has happened, he just can’t give her up.

He could if he wanted to. He's too busy enjoying the fun of sneaking around and stolen moments. Well from now on he can be with her without sneaking around... it won't be quite so exciting anymore... but that's his problem.

He fucked up one more time and he had to pay the price...while you protect yourself and stop living on edge wondering what he's up to.

Like father like son eh.

LadyOfTheFlowers · 23/08/2019 08:51

His mother says crack on, yours says slow down Hmm
That must feel really shit too in itself Sad

Faith50 · 23/08/2019 08:58

OP I am so sorry. You do not deserve such treatment. You had it in your heart to forgive your dh for the affair and he has shat all over it.

You have no choice but to move on. He cannot have you both. He should be fighting for his marriage. How the ow feels is no concern of yours and should be no concern of his.

SomeAfternoonDelight · 23/08/2019 09:08

Please leave him OP. He will do this again, and again, and again. Clearly you deserve a nice, honest, wholesome man. Not this cunt.

Itsallgonewoowoo · 23/08/2019 09:21

You gave him a chance, you went to councilling, you have done everything you could. He hasn't, you definitely need to walk away head held high and leave the cheaters to each other. I admire your clarity OP

ChristmasFluff · 23/08/2019 10:00

Dear OP,

Have you found ChumpLady.com yet? It really helps with keeping strong and resolved and facing the truth

Flowers
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/08/2019 10:21

He is pushing against telling everyone

Well of course he is, because everyone will then know what a lying, cheating twat he is.

You are definitely doing the right thing. Yes, it is hard, but once the dust has settled you will be free to be happy, instead of wondering what he's up to, if he's lying again, where he is, what he's getting up to...

Hang onto the thought of freedom and happiness. And you deserve both. Flowers

Shoxfordian · 23/08/2019 10:25

You're doing the right thing op
Be strong

ScreamingLadySutch · 23/08/2019 10:33

LDH, the same thing happened to me, he restarted the affair by 'going to the gym' every day.

Except that I was desperate not to join the dots and endured another year of emotional chaos.

Eventually I did catch him and filed. Him? Already working on the next one whilst playing his wife and OW - (this was the True Love that Should Always Have Been) ....

... and moved on in weeks.

That did't last (much drama) and he is now on to his 4th Soul Mate.

What I am trying to say, is that you really have no choice. It is either model self respect, or
sacrifice your whole self for keeping the family intact, accepting that you are the Domestic Appliance and have no needs, whilst he has his Excitement Appliance.

When his testosterone dies down, you can be friends. That is how it happened in the old days.

Them changing or looking at themselves? Connecting authentically? Addressing their inner split and seeing their wife as a human being instead of symbolic punitive Mother? Pffft.
The whole thing makes me so sad, to this day. The damage - financial, emotional, physical - to me and my children just never end.

ScreamingLadySutch · 23/08/2019 10:36

And the most irritating thing?

The OW is just a symbol,, a fantasy as well, no less that the wife is Punitive Mother. Unimportant and replaceable.

What is it all for?

Heismyopendoor · 23/08/2019 10:47

You deserve so much better

Zaphodsotherhead · 23/08/2019 10:48

I bet he finished the physical affair and started up as an emotional affair, so he could tell himself that he wasn't 'cheating' any more.

Then when OP wanted to see his phone, he realised what it would look like, panicked, and is trying madly to back pedal. He'd managed to convince himself that OP would forgive him and he'd be fine. He now realises he won't be.

Serves him right. You are doing the right thing, OP.

Derbee · 23/08/2019 10:50

You are doing the right thing. I feel like my instinct would be to do exactly what you’ve done. Ie try and find a way to move forward and give him a chance to get things back on track. But not again. You have tried and he has thrown it back in your face.

Sorry that your mum is not supporting you. That can’t be easy

Robin2323 · 23/08/2019 11:33

And the most irritating thing?

The OW is just a symbol,, a fantasy as well, no less that the wife is Punitive Mother. Unimportant and replaceable.

What is it all for?

THIS

So this.
An escape
A distraction
It's not love
Or even lust.

And of those affairs that become 'relationships' rarely last. (What was shinny and new becomes ......not)

The ow is never 'better' than the wife. She's usually available and 'daft'.

When 2 such selfish people get together how could the result be happy , calm, content , relaxed?

Most just implode.