It’s over but my cheating DH won’t accept it

[LadyDowagerHatt]

DH had an 8 month affair I found out about in March. We have 2 DC, one with additional needs. He was very remorseful, so upset about the pain he had caused and he went to individual counselling. We had a good marriage in other ways, a lot of history together and two wonderful children so I made the decision to slowly rebuild the trust and our relationship. We went to couples counselling in which he was told to cut all contact (he said he had already) and be completely transparent with his phone.

Two months later I saw from his phone bill he had texted her 7 times. He claimed he was checking how she was as he bumped into her at work and she seemed to be in a bad place after everything . I, and the counsellor told him that she was not his priority and he must cut contact.

We took a massive step back, understandably, I was only just hanging on in there together and I said if there was any more shady behaviour that would be it.

On Sunday I briefly saw a text on his work phone with kisses. When I asked to see his phone he wouldn’t show it to me, said he was sick of all this suspicion etc. I told him he needed to prove his innocence otherwise that would be it. He chose not to and got quite defensive/aggressive over it.

He is now super remorseful (again) and says not showing me the phone was just a moment of madness with the stress of the situation.

I obviously know that’s not true, I just wish he would admit it to himself and to me. I am going to the solicitor’s on Tuesday to start divorce proceedings. He is asking me to slow down as he is hopeful that he can prove himself to me but I know there is no way back from here.

He, my mum and one of my good friends think I should slow down as it is such a big decision. His mum and two of my friends think I should just go ahead and issue the divorce. I didn’t tell the former the first time but the latter knew which is probably he reason why they don’t feel like I’m rushing things.

Not sure what I am posting about really, just a hand hold and any wise words of wisdom I guess. It’s all pretty shit, I am heartbroken but I know I will be ok.

Thanks Derbee. I feel like I have given it my best shot, nobody can say I didn’t try. It’s not that my mum isn’t supporting me, she just thinks I should take my time as it is such a big decision. But I think it’s probably because it feels quick to her as I only told her on Sunday night after the phone incident.

I think the thing is that you can never end someone else's affair for them. It's clear now that he just said, "Yes, OK, I'm really sorry" and then just carried on regardless. Obviously he thinks that you'll do anything to keep the marriage going. Not telling other people plays into that - it's his shame, not yours - women don't help themselves by keeping quiet.

Be warned that now he knows you are serious, he will pull out all the stops. There's a pattern - treat it like bingo and tick them off as he does them:

Deny
Deny
Deny
Cry
Admit 1%
Cry
Blame you - you drove him to it
Admit 2%
Cry
Threaten suicide
Find another woman

Great advice above.

OP, sometimes when told a "good man" has strayed, people can't cope at all and will try and excuse the behaviour.
Women do this to each other without wanting to be unkind but because it disappoints them so much to believe it.

Also parents sometimes try and talk people down from breaking up "the family" to again protect themselves.

However painful, and it sounds painful.
I'm sure your husband does love you, in his way, but he loves himself more. And he loves what he wants more.

He has horribly betrayed you and his children. I would keep reminding yourself and him of that....he has cheated on his children.

Having a narrative ready can be helpful "unfortunately my husband has had an affair and continued it despite telling me he would stop. I tried to move forward but it turns out he has continued the affair despite telling me otherwise. We are going to divorce. I am heartbroken for the children and myself but will just have to get on with things. Thanks for your kindness and support".

You sound like a strong kind woman.
You will get through this and your life will get better.

Good people, men and women do not do this to their families.

I don't think you ever really know anyone, or what they are capable. It is a similar theme, no one would ever of expected X to cheat, last person etc etc and yet time and time again they are proven wrong.

He doesn't love you, if he did he wouldn't risk losing you not once but twice but three times.
I can understand its not so easy to leave and I totally understand you wanting to give it another shot but really I don't see anyway back from this unless you are prepared to live a life where he cheats and he eventually leaves you anyway

Dear OP

My sincere sympathies. I've been there. My XH had a 10 month affair and when I discovered, was just starting on his next one. When I found out I kicked him out immediately but went for counselling for 3 months to work out what should happen next. My XH was remorseful and didn't want to end it but continued to lie and minimise throughout the counselling. He believed that we would get back together because we were having counselling. But I knew that all his protestations meant nothing if he was not being honest. I couldn't re-build a 20 year relationship on lies. Consequently when I ended it it came as a shock to him and he was devastated. It's like he hadn't really understood the severity of the situation and was still lying to himself as much as me and the counsellor.

In the end you know when you know. You need to be sure it's not a revenge kick back, to hurt him as much as he hurt you - but that you really mean it and want it to be the end. No one else can know that but you. If a little bit of you wants him to realise and then come back then stick with the counselling till you are sure either way.

When I made the decision XH came round in floods of tears beside himself egging me to change my mind. But I suddenly realised with relief that his woes were no longer mine. I had no responsibility for him or for keeping the relationship afloat. It came with great relief.

Good luck to you. You can build a better life - even with him in it. The best piece of advice I was given was never to use the children against him - they deserve two loving parents and not to have their well-being damaged by the bitterness or disrespect between their parents.

Just to warn you, the most devastating thing is after all you have been through,

he moves on quickly to the next one.

That has been the hardest and most enduring pain for me, to realise that I never meant much and when I set a boundary, I was replaced. 20 years, beautiful children and everything we had been through ... zip.

He is asking me to slow down as he is hopeful that he can prove himself to me

He had three chances didn't he? How many more does he expect a reasonable person to give?

Move on and take care of your mental wellbeing by only having yourself to trust lovely.

Yes 3 chances, at every point he was told he must cut contact and be transparent to build up the trust - he’s an intelligent guy it shouldn’t have been difficult to understand!

I’ve made up my mind, my only concern now is that if I proceed to issue the papers on Tuesday then things might turn more acrimonious. But for my own sanity I might just need to go ahead with it.

You're own sanity is paramount. Take care of yourself and focus on your needs. X

Your needs and sanity is very important. Do not factor him in at all. Clearly he has been putting his needs first, above the family.

You too, now must do the same. Your children will need you well.

He is a liar and a cheat and has proven that he doesn't respect you one bit.
Remind yourself as often as you need that you deserve better.
Divorce him and move on.

Yes 3 chances, at every point he was told he must cut contact and be transparent to build up the trust

Therefore proving to you, and her, she is the priority for him, not his wife.

His "remorse" is the sudden realisation that many, many of these cheating husband's suddenly get when they realise that they will now lose their house, part of their paycheck each month etc - because in the end, that's ALL they care about. Because if they'd truly truly cared, they would've ditched the ow in a heartbeat.

He's more than likely to get a bit more nasty now his era of having everything his way has come to an end. It will be easier to blame you than admit his own guilt.. You're not rushing, quite the opposite, you've given him a couple of chances, been for counselling etc. He has no idea how lucky he's been and he's thrown it back in your face. Times are changing. The future, once you've gone through the heartache and upheaval, is about you now.

He must be shitting himself at the prospect of parenting his kids 50% of the time, that’ll dampen the flames of lust, that’ll be why he wants to be let off for the 4th (?) time, what a piece of shit. Have you been checked for sexually transmitted diseases OP?

Femodene that will break his heart, it breaks my heart too - feels so unfair that I have that too be apart from them and I have done nothing wrong.

I got an STD test when I found out in March, haven’t had one since.