Hi. This is my first time posting so pleaae bare with me. It is also quite graphic but I want to explain everything i can I'd really like as much help here as possible as I feel the past few days I've been in a very very dark place mentally and emotionally.
On 5th July this year I went out to a local pub. Sadly in the early hours of the 6rh July I was raped.
I was raped by a man I knew - a friend of my ex partner. My ex partner is my sons father and daughters step father and i hold a very good friendship with.
(Still have feelings for him but these have been irrelevant to my life since we split 2 years ago)
The night it happened was a normal night out with lots of local friends at a local pub. Fast forward to the end of the night, myself and my female friend were too impatient to wait for a taxi for the sake of a 5 minute walk home.. 3 lads who we knew walked us home - they were at the same pub and we knew them very well but wasn't on a night out with them. As a thankyou and as I knew them I invited them into my home where we continued socialising and chatting about normal things, enjoying our night.
I hadn't drank a massive amount of alcohol as I had a headache which I had been taking medication for all that day so around 12.45am on the 6th I decided to go to bed and asked my female best friend to lock up once everyone was gone. (I trusted everyone in my house)
The male who committed the assault is called 'T' FOR THE SAKE OF THIS POST.
T came upto my room and lay on my bed. (T is my ex's very good friend) and went on to say how nice it was to hear an ex partner speak so highly of the other ex. (Me speaking about his friend, my ex, father to my son) I went on to explain we didn't seperate on bad terms and he was a good father so I had nothing bad to say about him)
I explained around 3 times i was going to sleep as my head was pounding - in the hope he would leave my bedroom as he seemed to get abit comfy on my bed in a short space of time which I wasn't ok with but thought I was maybe irritable because of a headache so didn't want to seem rude asking him to get out. I wanted to be polite. Before I knew it he kissed me. I imediatley pulled away and explained I wasn't interested and it was wrong he did that. I also explained i was in no way attracted to him and I wanted him to leave my bedroom so I could sleep. With that i rolled over and drifted off to sleep.
I didn't look at the time so I am unaware of how long i drifted off for however I didn't feel like I had slept long when i was woken up to his fingers inside of me. I immediately asked him what he was doing and asked him to stop as this wasn't what i wanted. He persisted to kiss my face and neck and told me ' you know it feels good' and didn't stop. While doing this he was thrusting himself up my leg/side. I asked him again to stop to which he replied 'shhhhh your tjrning me on badly' and carried on kissing my neck and face. I felt numb and just lay there.
I told him I felt like I was going to orgasm and I didnt want to and asked him again to stop. I'm not sure why i felt like this because at the same time i felt limp and physically sick.
After around what felt like forever, realistically it lasted about 7 or 8 minutes.
I'm really ashamed to say i did orgasm but didn't know how to stop this as I couldn't physically move (he didn't restrain me my body just felt heavy and dead)
I was in bed in a body suit I had wore out that night with jeans and a jacket so the bodysuit poppers were undone by my vagina when he slid his fingers into me.
After he realised I had an orgasm he quickly climbed iver on top of me and slid his penis inside of me with alot of satisfaction.. Like i wasn't even in the room. I asked him 'T please dont do this, I've asked u to stop, please, I dont want this to happen' he replied sexually ' ahh yeah, yeah, and making sexual noises. I was totally numb and could barley feel my heart beating. This went on for around 10 minutes before i got up and shouted ' I SAID FUCKING NO' - im not sure where it came from, it's like my body went into auto mode and just did it. Seconds before i couldn't move I just had my fists clenched under my chin and felt numb.
With this I got my house coat and wrnt down stairs to realise my female friend and male friend were having a smooch on my sofa so I couldn't even speak to her. I had a cigarette and dreaded going back upstairs. But I did. I made that cigarette last as long as possible.
Now back upstairs I asked him to leave and get out of my house imediatley. He called a taxi which was a 20 minute wait. I got into my bed and wrapped myself into my covers as tight as I could and wondered if i was actually dreaming! I could hear him asking me not to tell anyone and not to tell my ex. I didn't respond to him. He went a short while later.
I woke up the next day and researched rape alot from the 6th July 2019 to now. I even contacted a rape line who took my number to call me back but never did.
I messaged him the same day (later on in the evening via instagram) and asked why he did it and that it wasn't ok and I wasn't happy with it. I explained I told him no atleast 50 times and that i felt powerless.
He replied telling me I was mad and blaming him for my regrets. The conversation went no further stand I instantly blocked him and have never herd from him since.
The same day 6th July 2019 I ordered an std online testing kit and sent my samples around a week and a half later - guide lines of time frame to wait after sex before swabs are taken.
I got my results arpund a week later and he gave me clamidia and gonorhea. I was on holiday in Devon with my children when i got the results so found the nearest sexual health clinic for help. They were amazing. The treated both infections there and then.
During the examination they asked some difficult questions where I totally broke down and told them what happened and gave them his name.
The did a propper examination and told me to seek more advice when im bk home as I was only there for a few days.
I have been home around 4 weeks now and I still don't know what to do.
I want to tell my ex more than anything but I am simply petrified.
I feel lile i dont want to go to the police as I'm petrified people will think im lying as T is a very well known man. I'm so so scared and feel in a very dark place.
Thankyou so much if u made it to the end of this post.
I will apriciate any advice. Xxx