Sensitive post *Trigger warning added by MNHQ*

[xxEllxxbeexx]

Hi. This is my first time posting so pleaae bare with me. It is also quite graphic but I want to explain everything i can I'd really like as much help here as possible as I feel the past few days I've been in a very very dark place mentally and emotionally.

On 5th July this year I went out to a local pub. Sadly in the early hours of the 6rh July I was raped.
I was raped by a man I knew - a friend of my ex partner. My ex partner is my sons father and daughters step father and i hold a very good friendship with.
(Still have feelings for him but these have been irrelevant to my life since we split 2 years ago)

The night it happened was a normal night out with lots of local friends at a local pub. Fast forward to the end of the night, myself and my female friend were too impatient to wait for a taxi for the sake of a 5 minute walk home.. 3 lads who we knew walked us home - they were at the same pub and we knew them very well but wasn't on a night out with them. As a thankyou and as I knew them I invited them into my home where we continued socialising and chatting about normal things, enjoying our night.
I hadn't drank a massive amount of alcohol as I had a headache which I had been taking medication for all that day so around 12.45am on the 6th I decided to go to bed and asked my female best friend to lock up once everyone was gone. (I trusted everyone in my house)

The male who committed the assault is called 'T' FOR THE SAKE OF THIS POST.

T came upto my room and lay on my bed. (T is my ex's very good friend) and went on to say how nice it was to hear an ex partner speak so highly of the other ex. (Me speaking about his friend, my ex, father to my son) I went on to explain we didn't seperate on bad terms and he was a good father so I had nothing bad to say about him)
I explained around 3 times i was going to sleep as my head was pounding - in the hope he would leave my bedroom as he seemed to get abit comfy on my bed in a short space of time which I wasn't ok with but thought I was maybe irritable because of a headache so didn't want to seem rude asking him to get out. I wanted to be polite. Before I knew it he kissed me. I imediatley pulled away and explained I wasn't interested and it was wrong he did that. I also explained i was in no way attracted to him and I wanted him to leave my bedroom so I could sleep. With that i rolled over and drifted off to sleep.

I didn't look at the time so I am unaware of how long i drifted off for however I didn't feel like I had slept long when i was woken up to his fingers inside of me. I immediately asked him what he was doing and asked him to stop as this wasn't what i wanted. He persisted to kiss my face and neck and told me ' you know it feels good' and didn't stop. While doing this he was thrusting himself up my leg/side. I asked him again to stop to which he replied 'shhhhh your tjrning me on badly' and carried on kissing my neck and face. I felt numb and just lay there.
I told him I felt like I was going to orgasm and I didnt want to and asked him again to stop. I'm not sure why i felt like this because at the same time i felt limp and physically sick.
After around what felt like forever, realistically it lasted about 7 or 8 minutes.

I'm really ashamed to say i did orgasm but didn't know how to stop this as I couldn't physically move (he didn't restrain me my body just felt heavy and dead)

I was in bed in a body suit I had wore out that night with jeans and a jacket so the bodysuit poppers were undone by my vagina when he slid his fingers into me.
After he realised I had an orgasm he quickly climbed iver on top of me and slid his penis inside of me with alot of satisfaction.. Like i wasn't even in the room. I asked him 'T please dont do this, I've asked u to stop, please, I dont want this to happen' he replied sexually ' ahh yeah, yeah, and making sexual noises. I was totally numb and could barley feel my heart beating. This went on for around 10 minutes before i got up and shouted ' I SAID FUCKING NO' - im not sure where it came from, it's like my body went into auto mode and just did it. Seconds before i couldn't move I just had my fists clenched under my chin and felt numb.

With this I got my house coat and wrnt down stairs to realise my female friend and male friend were having a smooch on my sofa so I couldn't even speak to her. I had a cigarette and dreaded going back upstairs. But I did. I made that cigarette last as long as possible.

Now back upstairs I asked him to leave and get out of my house imediatley. He called a taxi which was a 20 minute wait. I got into my bed and wrapped myself into my covers as tight as I could and wondered if i was actually dreaming! I could hear him asking me not to tell anyone and not to tell my ex. I didn't respond to him. He went a short while later.

I woke up the next day and researched rape alot from the 6th July 2019 to now. I even contacted a rape line who took my number to call me back but never did.

I messaged him the same day (later on in the evening via instagram) and asked why he did it and that it wasn't ok and I wasn't happy with it. I explained I told him no atleast 50 times and that i felt powerless.

He replied telling me I was mad and blaming him for my regrets. The conversation went no further stand I instantly blocked him and have never herd from him since.
The same day 6th July 2019 I ordered an std online testing kit and sent my samples around a week and a half later - guide lines of time frame to wait after sex before swabs are taken.
I got my results arpund a week later and he gave me clamidia and gonorhea. I was on holiday in Devon with my children when i got the results so found the nearest sexual health clinic for help. They were amazing. The treated both infections there and then.
During the examination they asked some difficult questions where I totally broke down and told them what happened and gave them his name.

The did a propper examination and told me to seek more advice when im bk home as I was only there for a few days.
I have been home around 4 weeks now and I still don't know what to do.
I want to tell my ex more than anything but I am simply petrified.
I feel lile i dont want to go to the police as I'm petrified people will think im lying as T is a very well known man. I'm so so scared and feel in a very dark place.

Thankyou so much if u made it to the end of this post.

I will apriciate any advice. Xxx

@xxEllxxbeexx so sorry to read what you have been through and the STIs and it sounds like the clinic you went to was really good in getting you treated straight away. I do agree you need further advice to help you in working out what to do.

I’m sorry, it’s late so I’ll jump straight to facts and suggestions...

You say you gave the clinic in Devon his name? Did they mention partner notification to you? I’ve explained what this is below.

Also they suggested you go to your local clinic when you got back home...have you done this yet and did you tell them what has happened? They might suggest further tests,

The clinic, through partner notification, and with your permission, can contact the guy anonymously (without revealing who you are) to advise him he needs to get tested.

Also, if they know he has a pregnant girlfriend, they might be able to inform other healthcare services as in effect a vulnerable person (I.e. a baby) is being put at risk. It is possible she might have already tested for STIs and then gone on to catch them from him afterwards. It can be really difficult to prove who gave who the STI, so better to notify everyone who might be at risk.

Your clinic may also be able to advise on where to go locally for further advice. It might be that nothing can be done, but then others might have reported similar and it all builds up a case.

I hope this helps. It’s great you have the good support of a friend. Happy for you to PM me if you want further help (click on “message poster” to the right of my name).

@avamiah why? She could have drunk one shot or one bottle of vodka and it makes absolutely no difference. Not really relevant

Askevans - im so glad ypur daughter has managed to have a happy ending. That's lovely to hear. I will work out my next steps as soon as i can thankyou again

@avamiah I had around 3 to 4 drinks. Max. No the question dosent offend me at all in happy to be open and honest here.

Though wether I had 1 or 101 drinks it makes no difference to anything. No means no. It ment no the first time I told him and the 50th. It was rape. Thankyou for your reply x

I was raped by my then husband, an ordinary Friday night, I had put my 6 year old son to bed, read him a story & then went to lay on the bed, surf on my laptop & watch the soaps, I had got changed, put my pjs on. He came in the bedroom after checking ds was asleep, got undressed & then grabbed hold of me, ripped off my PJ bottoms told me "you are having this bitch" & raped me. I didn't struggle, I froze, the only thing I can remember doing was wrapping my arms across my chest as he rammed my head through the rails at the top of the bed. When he had finished he told me "you can call the police if you want" I didn't I was in shock, I put my bottoms back on & curled up in a ball, he put out the light & went to sleep. I left him 10 days afterwards, still not having told anyone, I didn't tell anyone for nearly 6 weeks, it wasnt until the morning he turned up at ds school & started shouting & swearing at me calling me a slag across the playground that I called the police, in front of my parents I broke down & told the policeman that he had raped me. I went through all the video interview & giving evidence, having a Male CID officer shouting at me that he didn't believe me because I was letting my son see him, I had been ordered to by the family court, ordered that I had to be polite & civil to him. I tried to commit suicide 5 times in 6 months, was diagnosed with PTSD & was referred to counselling through the rape service where I had gone to give my video evidence. I had to give up work because he had got inside my head that I was under investigation for gross misconduct, I was a Civil Servant & he told me that someone we knew had reported me for discussing someone's personal tax affairs outside work. I hadn't, it was just him gaslighting me. It took me a good 5 years before I could start to feel normal, I had counselling for over 2 years, I still have the odd time where I have flashbacks & nightmares, but I have now got most of the bad memories back in the box & the box nailed firmly shut. It takes a long time but you can recover from this, the one thing I learned was not to keep it a secret, there will be people who wont believe you & blame you, but you find out who your real supporter are & who you really don't need.

@over50andfab thankyou for your reply. Yes i gave the lady in devon at the clinic his name and the area he was from. She explained usually they would contact him and get him in to be treated but I wpuld remain anonymous but as the sitation stands he is a potential threat to me so they do not contact the sexual partner in such cases.

I havent actually got any other advice since leaving devon 4 weeks ago as 1. I have my 2 children with me 90% of the time and 2. I wasn't sure how i was feeling or how i was to go about getting the right support. I've had some lovely comments here and recomedations which I am going to follow up this week and try and get the support I need. Thankyou again x

@Avamiah - yes that is offensive you should be ashamed. It is victim blaming. My daughter had had one drink the night she was raped - does that make the rape her fault??

@faband50 also I didn't mention about his girlfriend or unborn baby. It didn't enter my head .. I was in there around 2 hours. After I told them what happened they did a very detailed examination. I cant remeber what all these swabs and blood tests were for as my head went a little blur and I can't remeber if she told me why they were doing them ect but I've not had any results however I was given an injection for the gonorhea and tablets for clamidia. I got results back last week to say i am now clear of both after doing another home testing kit and sending it off to be tested xx

@Nat6999 I am so so sorry you had to go through this. Sending hugs to you!! - you are so so brave!

I am so hapoy you and your little boy (probably a big boy now!) Have managed to move forward from this and get your life back together.

I really apriciate your advice.. can I ask.. Did you feel like ' if i keep it to myself and get on with it and suffer atleast it's only hurting me, rather than tell people, devastate families and still potentially watch him walk free' I just don't want yo cause anyone any upset .. not him!! He repulses me. Xx

xxEllxxbeexx,
Thanks for replying.
Yes No Means No so this is why you have to report him to the police.
My question is just one of the many questions that you will be asked when interviewed.

@xxEllxxbeexx not contacting him would be understandable in this situation.

From what you wrote in your first post they did suggest you get further advice though and your local clinic would be able to help and signpost to other services on what to do about him and also his pregnant girlfriend, and also a risk assessment for any further tests they might think you should have. This is, of course, your decision.

OP you are very brave and strong, even if you dont feel that you are.

You have told the clinic and you have put it down in writing here. These are actually giant leaps and you are fierce. You will get through this.

I had counselling with RASAC for a year for no fee. You will have a similar local service, they are great.

If you are in the UK there is no statute of limitations for rape, you can report it anytime you feel strong enough. I am now doing this 6 years later as I feel ready for closure. I also got fed up with there being any doubt that it happened. It did.

At the moment you are mid trauma. You may have the urge to lock yourself away, be scared of men. Or like me, you may become uncharacteristically promiscuous. I slept with over 20 men in the months after the rape, because I wanted to feel in control of who had access so to speak.

Both extremes are common and you should not feel shame. The shame belongs to him.

You do not have to tell anyone until you are ready to. You decide. You have the control. This said, IT may decide to tell your EX that you two had sex, to preempt your accusation. You will not be his first or last victim.

I wish I could hug you (stand at your front door with a gun, whilst you sleep in peace knowing nobody can come in)

No , I didn't keep it a secret to stop anyone else being hurt, I was just in total shock, my marriage was on the rocks before he raped me & I was planning on ending the marriage . I had met someone else (my husband didn't know) & I wanted to be with him, he was my rock once I had told him & supported me through all the process of going to the police & all the investigations, my husband was not charged, the CPS had doubts that the case would stand up in court because I hadn't reported it straight away. In a way he has been punished because he is a MS sufferer & his MS is so bad now that he is in a wheelchair & unable to care for himself. My son is 15 now & knows what his dad did to me, in the last year he has decided without any input from me that he no longer wants any kind of relationship with his dad.

AskEvans,
No I’m not ashamed, I asked a question that OP will be asked many times if she reports this person to the police.
She will be asked far worse in a court of a law that I can tell you .

She may well be asked that by defence solicitors at some unnamed date. But that isn't the same as the purpose of this thread, which is support, not fear mongering.

@Over50andfab I have decided to follow it all up with everyones advice and seek local help which what to do next. Thankyou so much for your help x

@Nat6999 im so glad he has been punished and now has a difficult life daily! And ypur so brave for gping through everything and coming out stronger.

Your son is a brave young man and has made the decision as a decent human being not wanting to see his rapist father.

I'm glad you've had a happy ending xx

I am so sorry that you feel the burden of guilt for the girlfriend of the criminal who attacked you. You did nothing wrong.

chickenyhead,
I agree with No means No .
However I have a opinion and have posted it .

@avamiah yes i totally understand there will be very difficult questions if taken to thay stage but because of this I doubt it will be. I just wanted advice on what to do next with being in a dark and confused place and luckily had some amazing responses. Thankyou for your reply x

I am so sorry this happened to you.

Because orgasm during rape can be a headfuck, I just want to echo what the others said - it was an involuntary physiological response, nothing more, just normal human tissue reacting to stimulus. Like a sneeze.

Again, I am so sorry you went through this.

@drugasarrow thankyou, I just feel like I have a responsibility to try and protect her and her baby but also have a responsibility to protect my family. I'm not sure I can put my family through it all so hoping with the right support im able to find a way if dealing with everything x

@absentmindedwoman thankyou for your reply. I have read upon this tonight and realise this to be true. It mentally dosent help as I know it's not what i wanted and so did he.. I wish i had a way of controlling it at the time but control was out of my control of that makes sense. Thanks again x

On these threads you'll get a lot of people saying 'report'/'go to the police' as though it's easy. Only do what you need or want to do.

The harsh reality is if you report this he will say it was consensual and there will be little evidence to prove either way. It is unlikely to go up trial.

I reported and do not regret it at all (similar circumstances) even though CPS did not charge. It gave me some control as I was spiralling into a bad place. But it took me nine months and unlike you didn't have significant mutual friends.

Before that I couldn't speak about it. I literally wrote out what had happened the same as your post and showed it to friends. Support is here, but if you have people in real life try and tell someone because a hug can be life saver.

@scrapper142 im so sorry you experienced this. I hope you've managed to find some closure and move forward.

Taking this further as u say with very little evidence will be difficult and I dont want to open a can of worms as this will blow massively put of control with such a large circle of friends and families involved.. it could get messy.
It's really not easy to tell someone. My intentions were not to tell anyone but I had to tell my best friend as I needed reassurance this was rape.. Though I knew it was but felt like I was going mad.
Then when i went to Devon and had my Sti results the lady at the clinic asked if it was a regular or a casual partner and i just broke down as he had no right to be classes as either and I couldn't bring myself to give him the casual title as he raped me.

I hope you've had a happy ending to tour awful experience x