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Original poster

New guy, would you sack it off?

65 replies

KneeDeepInMess · 20/08/2019 16:52

I've been seeing somebody for the past 8 weeks so it's very early days, but he was growing on me.

Sunday afternoon after dinner the conversation steered into past relationships and he told me about an "emotional affair" he'd been having with a married woman shortly before we met. Him single, her married. They have a mutual passion for something which is how they met and the EA developed as they'd meet up and spend time together away from the shared hobby and associated friends. Married woman kept it all from her husband and he says the message content was more than just friendly, think sending love hearts and what not.

He says nothing physical happened and he decided to stop contact and block her because lines were being crossed nevertheless and he became aware of the fact he wanted to sleep with her, which he was conflicted about because of her being married.

Fast forward to now he's got her back on social media and says its because he "felt sorry for her"

I took that as him meaning he felt bad for blocking her, but it seems quite strange given the nature of the relationship.

I'm not looking to be dragged into any dodgy triangulation and it seems a bit weird to me so I'm debating sacking it off.

What do you think?

OP posts:
grincheux · 20/08/2019 16:53

Blah, get rid. If he was really done with her in his head, he wouldn't still have her on social media.

Original poster
KneeDeepInMess · 20/08/2019 16:54

He told me all of this off his own back I might add, including the fact he now has her back on social media. I don't see why he would want to tell me all of that unless it's some silly attempt to make me jealous.

It's had the opposite effect and I'm now thinking he's a bit of a twat.

OP posts:
crappyday2018 · 20/08/2019 16:58

Dunno, I find it odd he felt the need to divulge this information (especially so early on). I think it would put me off a bit. Its not really something you would want to shout about either so I think if I had been in his shoes, I would have kept it quiet.
It does sound like he's blowing his trumpet a bit - how old is he?

Original poster
KneeDeepInMess · 20/08/2019 17:01

He's 37 and I'm 25 so there's quite an age gap but we have a fair amount in common and seemed to be on the same wave length.

I'm thinking it's some daft way of keeping me on my toes or having me think I have competition which I'm not interested in dealing with.

I thought he seemed quite lovely before this.

OP posts:
BadgerBadgerMushroom · 20/08/2019 17:01

I think if he wasn't bothered about her he wouldn't have told you. If he didn't feel guilty he wouldn't have cared about you knowing he had added her on fb. I'd steer clear.

LiveInAHidingPlace · 20/08/2019 17:03

There's a reason women his age don't want to go out with him.

Original poster
KneeDeepInMess · 20/08/2019 17:08

He says he likes younger women but I think the married one is closer to his own age.

I do find it weird how he'd make a point of talking about her so early on in a new potential relationship.

I think I am going to sack it off, whatever his motivation for telling me it's strange.

OP posts:
BlockedAndDeleted · 20/08/2019 17:12

Your instincts are bang on.

He’s only telling you this so you try and compete with the Other Woman ( who may or may not exist).

As you say classic triangulation.

Timing is perfect, couple of months in, facade drops, negative manipulation begins. Classic.
Trust your instincts, you’ve got good ones!
Block and delete.

whattodowith · 20/08/2019 17:16

I'm thinking it's some daft way of keeping me on my toes or having me think I have competition

If he is doing this he’s a total sleaze, such a bizarre thing to do.

Ditch him.

DerbyMumOf1 · 20/08/2019 17:19

I think on some lengths you have already made your mind up about what you want to do. IMO it's something that would put me off big time as well. I once met a guy for the first time in person after messaging and he actually said "There's a few girls after me at the moment but you are the best candidate...yuck!

He sounds like a show off and a game player which is a shame as you liked him before that. Get rid now, you could be saving yourself from heartache.

dontgobaconmyheart · 20/08/2019 17:19

Very nearly misread that title but yeah Op I really would sack it off in this instance, you sound like you have your head screwed on.

There are no good reasons that he has brought it up are there, he either has because she's on his mind so he cant help but have brought her up and then had to backtrack and explain that he ended it because it crossed a line Confused, which sounds like bs as it is- or he Hope's to make you feel a bit insecure so you have something to love up to or compete with. Maybe he is so grim that he thinks it reflects well on him or makes him feel good, the narrative that this married women was so desperate to be with him and he said no, and now he is being charitable Hmm.

He sounds pretty pathetic whichever of the above it is, there was no need for him to add her, or being her up and you don't need it in your life OP. I'm sure this would be just the start. Hardly a prize anyway is he if that is the level of his morals.

It's a bit shit I know but you obviously know you're worth more or you'd not be querying it, I'd listen to that and be grateful for it.Flowers

MarianaMoatedGrange · 20/08/2019 17:29

Maybe he thought that as you are 12 years younger than him you'd be naive and forever playing the pick me dance and setting out to prove you're 'better' than his married crush. Nah, bin him!

PammieDooveOrangeJoof · 20/08/2019 17:33

Maybe he’s added her back to try and make her jealous if he posts stuff with you?
I think you are spot on to sack him off.

Original poster
KneeDeepInMess · 20/08/2019 17:33

I think I had already made my mind up when I posted that's true, I also think I just needed others to echo my own thoughts before I made it final and told him I'm not looking to see him again. I can be a bit hasty sometimes which can be both a blessing and a curse depending on the situation.

If I really look back over our time together this wasn't the first red flag, he's extremely grandiose and spent one of our dates psychoanalysing me for the best part of 2 hours which was just bizarre. I felt like I was in a therapists office.

I shan't be seeing this one again.

OP posts:
Original poster
KneeDeepInMess · 20/08/2019 17:36

Coincidentally he has several posts with/of me on his social media, out having lunch, visiting museums together and a photograph of me with a bouquet of flowers he'd got me.

It didn't occur that he may be trying to make her jealous with me, now that's a very feasible possibility.

It's very childish for a man of his age whichever way he spins it.

OP posts:
Rachelover40 · 20/08/2019 17:37

Good KneeDeep! He sounds like a prat.

Sunflower20 · 20/08/2019 17:37

Yeah he sounds like a weirdo to be honest, if he was 100% into you he would not be telling you the sordid details of past relationships. Why is he single at 37 may I ask?

Miniloso · 20/08/2019 17:38

You are definitely doing the right thing OP. Huge, huge red flag here. He’s showing you who he is... ditch!!!

NameChangeNugget · 20/08/2019 17:41

What would your reaction have been if he hadn’t told you but, you’d found out by other means?

Original poster
KneeDeepInMess · 20/08/2019 17:41

His last relationship was 2016 (so he says) and that ended because of cultural barriers, his then partner was from another country with religious parents who didn't approve of him because of the cultural differences.

You never know though do you, he could have been spinning me any old line.

Maybe she got bored of being psychoanalyzed and triangulated Grin

OP posts:
BlockedAndDeleted · 20/08/2019 17:43

Oh he’s disgusting!

Do you know what though, I’ll bet he’ll be enormously surprised that you’re wise to his games.
His ego won’t be able to take it I bet.
Be prepared for him to try and pursue you.
Block and delete on all channels!

Original poster
KneeDeepInMess · 20/08/2019 17:43

If I found out by other means I think I'd still be a bit Hmm about the fact he was inappropriately involving himself with a married woman. I think it's wrong on both sides but he obviously knew what he was doing and I can't condone it.

OP posts:
SoLost101 · 20/08/2019 17:46

He sounds like a twat. I’d dump!

MarianaMoatedGrange · 20/08/2019 17:51

Maybe she got bored of being psychoanalyzed and triangulated

GrinGrinGrin

Original poster
KneeDeepInMess · 20/08/2019 17:53

I have children so for that reason I haven't invited him to my home, I don't want to introduce them to anybody I barely knew.

I made my reasoning crystal clear but he keeps making jokes about not being allowed round my "secret house" Confused

Yes I definitely think he's a bit of a dodgy one. It's a shame because we had a great time when we get together and really hit it off.

OP posts:
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